To feel guilty about amount of child maintenance my ex is being charged!

[Melkim40]

So my husband and I split up around 18months ago. Not to go into too much detail but he was a narcisisstic control freak, so when he left me I got over him very quickly! I recently applied for child maintenance as he pays nothing towards our sons care. He received a letter stating that they would be taking 3 times the amount they were giving me! Turns out they are taking arrears for his children from his first marriage. They are grown up now and don't even live with their mother anymore! I can't help but feel incredibly guilty as he doesn't earn a huge amount. Part of me wonders whether I am feeling guilty because that's how he made me feel when we were together but can't help feeling that I have put him in a financial predicament, which was never my intention.

Wow! Involving you in the money he owes his ex is massively narcissistic

I'm surprised the CMS discussed your ex's confidential matter with you: the arrears he owes his ex are surely none of your concern. Isn't this a data breach?

Ex showed his son.

Honestly read the thread

@cantankerouscamel OP said: "I also contacted CSA myself and they confirmed they were taking a large amount, although they would be willing to discuss and negotiate the arrears, if he gave them a call. The guy said that occasionally, they put the amount up to shock them into calling as they have not been able to make contact with him at all! I gave him the number. Up to him if he calls!"

Honestly. Read the thread.

I have one child with him! My daughter is from a previous relationship. I was not aware that he wasn't paying maintenance when we first got together. I can't change the mistakes I made in the past. Maybe I should have had that discussion. I am trying to put things right now for myself and my son. And I wasn't 'stressed', I was suffering with mental health problems. It clouds your judgement, makes you question yourself, every single minute of every day, it is hell on earth!

CMS didn't confirm the amount they were taking from my ex, just that it was larger than the amount due to me and that it was linked to arrears on another case.

I wouldn't worry OP - he'll quit his job and then you too will be left in the shit like his ex.

Yeah and he will guilt trip me by saying he had to leave his job due to maintenance payments!!!

You aren't correcting things though are you, you are going after money for you not his previous children.

You've seen him escape his parental responsibilities and still had children with him anyway. Now he will likely do the same and you will realise what life was like for his other children who were given no thought when you were playing happy families.

It's bad enough people can get way not paying for children but goodness knows why others think they are ideal parent material after knowing that,

Tbh if he owed it he should pay it.

His inability to be a proper parent has done this not you. Not only has he inadequately paid for your child but also his other grown up children. They have grown and left home and he thought he got away with it....you should get a big bunch of 💐 and 🍷 from his ex.... As a thank you...

My ex has now done this with five children!! Keeps moving, changing jobs, not paying tax, everything in current GF name, he's below the radar, but it will come back to haunt him one day... Karma is a bitch

He had one dc when I met him and he told me was paying through the nose and still not allowed to see her..... Should have run then!!!

Why should you feel guilty? It’s his debt. You’ve no idea how much debt his ex had to get into, or what she had to go without, to bring up their children single handed. About bloody time he started paying to meet his responsibilities, whether or not his children still live at home.

I do understand how you weren’t able to push him to pay his CM to his ex- narcissistic bullies often financially control their current wives too.

@BoxsetsAndPopcorn

I cannot get money for his ex's children. I applied for maintenance for my son. The son I had with a man, that at the time I loved. Have you ever lived with a narcissist? You are slowly stripped of your independence and believe they are the only person in the world who is telling the truth. I stopped going out, seeing friends, family, gave up driving. I was a mess. I feel incredibly guilty that I let down my children and his, but now by at least making him face up to his financial responsibilities maybe I can make for my part in the mess of the past!