(Trigger warning) aibu to ask if you ever can get over rape?

[Newnamefor]

Posting here for traffic as suggested on my previous post.

Hi, I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right place but I'm wondering if you think you ever get over being raped.
It was years ago now (and happened more than once) and I've had some counselling but it still bothers me. I can't keep any relationship going as I've stopped enjoying or wanting sex (and I've never told any partner) and I've now got to the point that i hardly leave the house as I get too scared of what might happen. I get nightmares too. Even fleeting suicidal thoughts (that's all though) as I'm sick of living like this.
After a thread the other day I have contacted rape crisis to see if it's worthwhile talking stuff over. I've yet for them to get back to me.
So, without wanting to bring up old memories for anyone else too much (please walk away if it's too hard for you - I don't want anyone else to feel worse) but do you think you can ever get over it?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/3316081-Do-I-need-a-trigger-warning-Do-you-ever-get-over-rape?msgid=79706091#79706091

Above is a link to my previous post. Just for reference. Thank you!

Some people do. I haven't in a long time. Never told anyone, I think talking about it probably helps if you can.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I was raped a number of times, by different men. The last time was nearly 20 years ago and yes you can heal. I am aware that I have trigger points and I get scared and I do worry more than some about certain situations however, I would say I am 100% now. I never had rape counselling but did have other counselling for other things which I realised years later were symptoms of my pain (eating disorders etc). I wish I could put a finger on what has helped me the most, but I’m not sure what it is, but I do know I turned a corner about 10 years ago when I had my daughter. I needed to choose to live. Instead of slowly dying which I was doing at that point. I would suggest seeking help from your GP or Women’s Aid also if you can. Do you have a good friend who you can talk to? Message me if you want. X

I never have, don't think I ever will. It affects my relationships to this day. I go off sex after the initial attraction and get scared and switch off emotionally when a partner tries to initiate. I've tried to explain this to my current partner but I don't think he gets it. He once said to me when he was drunk that because I was raped by an ex partner while in a relationship that it wasn't 'real' rape. I have never forgotten that.

I’ve not been raped, but I have been sexually abused. It haunts me sometimes. Makes me feel sick. I read a quote once from a woman who had been raped 3 times in her life. She was a painter. She said: “I could let my life be influenced by 3 men who fucked me against my will, or I could be influenced by Van Gogh. I chose Van Gogh.”

I don’t think you ever “get over it” as such, but you CAN choose how to react. Talk it out, write it down, scream into a pillow and own it.
Personally I’d tell my partner about it as I would find it healing not to keep it a “dirty secret” of my own, but you know yourself best so know if it would help or not.

Best of luck op. I promise you it WILL get better

Yes I'm over it.
What I'm not over is the subsequent trial which saw me cross examined for three days, called a liar and watched him found not guilty.
I can rationalise the rape and barely think of it.
Memories of the trial reignite my burning anger.
I am still plotting my revenge.

I think I would have got over it a lot better if I'd had some justice, I reported it. But sadly, like many other perpetrators, he got away with it. That's what keeps me awake at night, that he's not had to face any consequences.

@MrsHarrison, now you mention it, I also have my revenge planned. Maybe I’m not as over it as I thought...

Trauma any trauma can and usually does change things for the person. Sexual trauma is a particularly insidious trauma due to fear of being hurt again and because of the way that humans can turn things like shameful feelings and guilt inwards so we can repeatedly rehurt ourselves

It's not something most people just get over that's too simple if we could it wouldn't be trauma! That definitely doesn't mean that you can't find a new way forward from it with the right support and learning the skills to cope with what happened and the emotional ramifications the trauma has left you with!

My feeling is that you probably have ptsd which is common especially after severe or repeated trauma.

I would definitely recommend contacting local organisations for people who have experienced sexual assault or rape, they can offer support or put you in touch with professionals who offer the type of counselling.
The details of what actually happened might not be the things that are causing issues now so you might not need to talk about them now.

I have had lots of help over the years and have never talked about the full details of what happened to me but I have extensively discussed the debilitating issues the details left me with. I am 20+ years on from what happened and yes it changed fundamental parts of me but I have a good life now, a partner, good friends, an intimate life! I am a generally well functioning human who understands I have some deficits due to trauma but not so much that (after hard hard work) that it overwhelms the positive parts of my life.

If you feel able to, if you call rape crisis within certain hours someone will answer the phone. It’s ok if you get upset and can’t talk to begin with. Is it an email you haven’t had a reply to yet?

Yes otherwise you're giving them what they want. They don't want sex. They want the power and affect of it.

I work with survivors of sexual violence at a Rape Crisis. I am sorry this happened to you. I am also really sorry that your Rape Crisis hasn’t got back to you yet. Did you call the national nail number or your local agency?

I truly believe that it is possible to heal after rape or sexual abuse, but unfortunately there isn’t a one size fits all therapy because the impact you are experiencing will be individual to you, but a good counsellor or therapist should be able to help you. Rape Crisis counsellors receive detailed specific training in working my with survivors of sexual violence in addition to their professional qualification, so seems a good place to start.

Please don’t give up on trying to work this through. Good luck.

I dont think you "get over it" I think you learn to accept it and not let it affect your day to day living. I think one of the biggest things for me was learning not to be ashamed or worry about what people think don't get me wrong I don't shout it from the roof tops and there are still a lot of people who know me who don't know but after many years of counselling I learnt that it isn't a dirty secret that should be kept. Once i let go of the guilt and accepted a bad thing happened i found it much easier to get on with my life. I spent many years just sort of waiting for it to go on its own and that id just wake up one day and never think of it again but when i made the active decision to move on and not let it ruin amymore pf my life I made massive progress. I agree with mrsharrison though, the pitiful excuse for a trial I'm not over but that's a whole different story.

Yes concise, it is the lack of justice.
My attack was attempted rape because I fought back and he wasn't expecting to be kicked in the nuts by me. I guess my fighting back has helped me because I don't feel helpless - and I'm not scared of it happening again - I will kill the next one who tries that.

I was raped by my ex, I wouldn't say I'm over it as I have days where it hits me and I'm floored. But it's not as raw as it once was. Unfortunately I left it too late to try for prosecution and was told it wouldn't ever go to court, that haunts me a little.

Op, sorry for going off on a tangent with my experience.
I had CBT which helped. However I believe in time being a healer. I firmly believe that avoiding triggers in the news and TV dramas is important. I made a decision not to "feed" my drama by referencing anything with rape in the title.
I avoid negativity where possible. I hesitated to post on here because yes it is a trigger. For the first couple of years I did obsess about it - I couldn't stop it. I eventually became bored of thinking of it. I then trained myself to move forward. "That was then, this is now." Was my mantra.

My attacker (my ex) would have been thrilled at knowing i'd sunk so low.

I just could not give him the satisfaction.
But what he inadvertently did was make me fearless - the worst had happened to me and I'd survived. I have my zest for life back and I'm braver than I ever was. No one can rob me of that.
Do you think you could harness some anger? Anger is an energy that can be a huge positive force.

No, it was 30 years ago and I'm not over it. In fact, it's one of the reasons I decided to stay single and celibate for the last 16 years and one of the contributing factors to my divorce. I've had therapy, didn't really help for this issue.

I thought I was over it - it's 32 years since I was raped. I am happily married to a gorgeous man and have three lovely kids. Shitty few years involving the deaths of both of my parents (who were sociopathic arseholes and probably why I put myself into the situation where I was raped, tbh - not that I think it was my fault or that I deserved it...). I have been processing a lot of childhood trauma and repressed memories of the rape and unfortunately have been having flashbacks where my husband's face is superimposed over the rapist's. I have put myself back into therapy. (Just to add, my husband has never done anything to make me feel unsafe or threatened me in any way. He's truly lovely, and the guilt I have been carrying for having these thoughts is immense.) My psychiatrist thinks that this is actually healthy because I feel safe enough to remember the actual rape now and discuss it with my husband. (I wish I didn't, tbh.....)

Also, I live in Australia and was referred to an emergency crisis counselling centre for rape survivors and the average waiting time is five months. FIVE MONTHS!!! I am mortified that there is such need for this in this day and age. (Especially as there is a plethora of counsellors in this country!!!)

Wow, thank you all for taking the time to reply. I'm sorry if if I don't reply individually but I'm finding concentrating hard today.
I can't believe it's happened to so many, it's quite shocking actually and please do go off on a tangent, not that it really was, as I don't want this to be just about me.
It's so helpful to know how many of you have been able to leave it in the past, I absolutely yearn for that. It feels like it's now, especially when I have nightmares. I literally relive it.
No one else knows the full extent of what happened each time except from the last time when I did try to press charges. It didn't even get as far as court which is still an issue for me, as you say, it's the injustice. Maybe it's just as well that it didn't get that far given some of your experiences. It's no wonder so many don't bother.
I did fight back and try and stop it (the last time) but I ended up just being hurt more so in the end I gave in and let it happen so I got out alive. It had already started then anyway...
I emailed rape crisis and I got an automated reply saying they'd got it. That's it so far. I have a real problem talking about what happened (probably why I'm in this state still) so I'm not sure a phone call would help but then again it'd save me leaving the house.
I don't want them to have control and I hate that they do (although they'll be unaware which is something). I had to leave the house earlier, just briefly, and I got so panicky at just doing that.
I haven't spoken to friends (although a few do know of what's happened) as I don't want to bother them too much and, besides, it was a while ago now and I feel guilty that's it's still such an issue. It's also a bit embarrassing for them to know exactly what's happened but I do want/ need to 'let it go' somehow (and I know here probably isn't the right place).
I did half wonder about PTSD.. I need to get a grip whatever it is.
I wish I did get angry. The only anger I get is at stupid stuff and nothing to do with what happened.
I'm not sure if that makes any sense, I didn't sleep again last night.

Sorry I crossed posts with yours @justilou. 5 months seems a LONG time, especially when most have reached crisis when they actually call.
I'm sorry all your memories are back, especially given you thought you'd laid it to rest. I'm glad you have a lovely husband though.
I still have some blanks, whilst that bothers me, I'm assuming its with good reason that I do. What I remember is bad enough...

There are very effective treatments for PTSD, and there are reasonably effective treatments for depression, which seems to be a part of how your mind is reacting to this (the withdrawing and not wanting relationships bit).

There may well be specifics that rape crisis organisations can also help with, but you don't need to wait for that if you can access treatment for the other issues earlier.

I am already on anti-depressants, have been for years.
Maybe I am still depressed too, but as much as I do get fleeting suicidal thoughts (I really promise that's all), I don't want to die. I just want this to stop, I need it to stop.
Do you think the best place to start would be with the doctor then?
Thank you @m3lon

Sorry, I've just realised I've probably gone on a bit.
I really am interested how people have moved on and whether those that this hadn't happened too assume, rightly or wrongly that you can Move on / get over it / other choice.
Thank you hugely.