(Trigger warning) aibu to ask if you ever can get over rape?

[Newnamefor]

Posting here for traffic as suggested on my previous post.

Hi, I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right place but I'm wondering if you think you ever get over being raped.
It was years ago now (and happened more than once) and I've had some counselling but it still bothers me. I can't keep any relationship going as I've stopped enjoying or wanting sex (and I've never told any partner) and I've now got to the point that i hardly leave the house as I get too scared of what might happen. I get nightmares too. Even fleeting suicidal thoughts (that's all though) as I'm sick of living like this.
After a thread the other day I have contacted rape crisis to see if it's worthwhile talking stuff over. I've yet for them to get back to me.
So, without wanting to bring up old memories for anyone else too much (please walk away if it's too hard for you - I don't want anyone else to feel worse) but do you think you can ever get over it?

OP, I haven’t been in your situation, so I’m not trying to advise you from any position of knowledge or insight. Feel free to ignore, or tell me I’m spouting rubbish!
I just wonder if part of the problem is the feeling of powerlessness and suppressed anger at what this shit of a man has imposed on you. A lot of women turn anger inwards, into depression or self harming, as women are conditioned not to be violent or loud, or to express anger externally.
Maybe the first step of healing would be to access your anger and own it. Express what you’d like to do to the shit - devise a list of tortures, anything, imagine castrating him if you like.
I think, at least to start with, anger is probably a more positive, healthy response than fear and guilt.
Once you’ve vented a lot of that, start taking back control of your life. Don’t let that shit of a man spoil your ability to enjoy a loving relationship and a happy sex life with a caring partner. Don’t let him make you afraid to go out at night.
Maybe go and do martial arts or self defence classes, so you feel strong and safe, and know you can overpower an attacker in future.
My DD did Krav Maga, and now happily intervenes if she sees other women being hassled at night!
Every time you reclaim something - a bit of confidence, a bit of trust - you are sticking one in the eye to that rapist. You are not letting the bastard win. Rape has very little to do with sex, it’s all about power, control and hurting. If you can vent the anger, then empower yourself, you may reach the point where the bastard has no more influence in your life - where you no longer even think about him. And at that point- you’ve won. He will be beaten.
Maybe I’ve got it all wrong, OP - but maybe it’s a possible approach to consider?

OP antidepressants aren't really the very effective end of treatment for depression. They are only really useful in conjunction with CBT or other therapy. There are also a wide range of ADs and doses to try if you aren't finding them helpful.

The 'hardly leaving the house for fear' is highly likely to lead to reinforcing anxiety and eventually depression. Human beings usually need to be out there in the world interacting with other humans in order for normal functioning of the brain to be sustained.

Taking the right anti-anxiety medication, plus getting some PTSD treatment could break you out of that cycle of isolation and lead to remission of depression also.

I would definitely speak to your GP. Being trapped in your house by anxiety and having flashbacks isn't okay and it isn't something you should have to put up with. These things CAN be treated and should be...because you deserve to live you life free from fear.

It may be possible to get a phone consultation with your GP, and even therapy/PTSD treatment online if you are to fearful to leave the house at the moment.

You deserve to be well

I'm surprised that this hasn't got more replies?

I'm travelling and just marking thread, so I'll be able to post a reply when I'm not on my phone, based on my own experience.

I was sexually abused when I was a child. It changed me, changed my life. I've had counselling, been on medication at different times for depression and anxiety. I have had health problems that I suspect are linked to the stress the abuse caused.

I eventually went to the police but ultimately decided against giving a statement.

These days, most of the time, I'm fine. Over it I suppose. But it's not gone, and sometimes something will trigger a memory and then for a little while, I'm not over it, I'm not fine.

Yes, you can be ok with it.

It took me time to talk about it, it took time for me to understand a few important things - it wasn't my fault, I had no way of knowing what would happen, my only responsibility was to find my own way of healing, that it wasn't personal to me, it was how his mind worked, not a reflection on who I was. Sometimes wheels are set in motion and you can't stop what's going to happen, no matter how much you want to. I think that was the hardest one. I knew what was going to happen and I couldn't do anything to prevent it.

I cried a lot. I had PTSD. I recovered.

It happened over 20 years ago and I didn't remember until 6 years ago. In that time I'd accumulated an awful lot of unhealthy and utterly bizzare coping mechanisms (to something I didn't remember).

Now is good though. It rarely crosses my mind and if it does I'm fine. I've shared with quite a few people, it's helped other people to hear it, it's like it gives them permission to say what's happened to them.

I remember talking to a friend a few years ago. She'd been abused as a child, but the way she spoke about it was so matter of fact. She was absolutely ok. She hadn't been for a while, but she had dealt with it. I remember wanting to be like that, and now I am.

If anyone wants to drop me a pm, feel free x

I'm not sure "get over it" is the right word, but my life moves on. I can;t give any advice for CSA, partner, dates, ... in my case it was a stranger on midlands Uni campus. I told no one at the time (not even DH, looking back I regret hugely not going to police, so at least it was recorded as a crime stat) ... for many years.

Initially it had a huge effect on my life. I'm still much more cautious than most people, but realistic too.

Time made a difference for me, as it move in the past. Time, and talk.

After years I told a few people, close friends (two on this board), and DH. I found I was not alone, I read more books from other experience, understood more, etc.

Please get support. Talking/sharing helped with me, and still does to this day (I talk with DH about how I feel, why, etc) and a close friend.

It may be very different for you OP (depending on whether it was part, partner, etc). But YES, I've had a very enjoyable life afterwards.

@babdoc, you could be onto something. I do hate them but I don't feel anger at them. I feel anger at myself though which probably isn't healthy. I've not heard of that class, I'll have a look. I don't want them to win, whether they know it or not.
@m3lon, I'm actually not convinced they're helping but I don't think they wanted to risk me coming off them and last time I went they weren't keen to try others either. You're right in that I do need people around but I don't have that anymore. I can go days and longer without seeing anybody other than my children and even then they're not always here. I will phone up my GP, they do telephone consultations so I'll arrange one of those and see if I can get things started. I need to be well.
@havingabadhairday, I'm sorry that happened to you. I also have health problems that I really believe are linked to stress too. Too many years of it. I'm glad to hear you're mostly fine.
@itsthequietones, I can really relate to that regarding the wheels being set in motion and you can't stop them as well as the slightly bizarre coping strategies. I'm also sorry that it happened to you too. Again it's good that you've dealt with it now.
@xmaspost, I thought there might be too but I'm still really grateful to those that have replied. It really has been quite shocking just how many women have been affected and I don't think enough realised he full extent of the long term implications for many.
You don't know how much I would love to have that friend I could be fully open with. So much is buzzing around my head. It might be I could talk to my few remaining friends but I don't want to scare them away. I hardly see anyone now and they seem to get I find going out hard without asking why.
Thank you all

You could also join a support forum, I was (am) member on pandys.org, and find it helpful from time to time. Might be worth checking out.

@bellmyring I would second the recommendation of pandys.org. Excellent forum, I received a lot of support there - and hopefully others felt I'd supported them as well.

I was raped multiple times as a teenager.

I will never 'get over it' in the sense that it will always be a part of my past, I will never unlearn the things it taught me about how dangerous men can be.

BUT it doesn't rule my life anymore. I'm not afraid to leave the house anymore. I have a normal life. I enjoy things.

It took a lot of work to get here, but was worth every minute of it. I would advise you to go to your GP, and ask to be referred for EMDR. It's a talking therapy for people who are suffering as a result of trauma and it gave me my life back.

Understanding what is happening to you and why you feel the way you do may also help. I read lots about the effect of trauma on the brain and found the insights I got from that very helpful. Can't remember the names of the books I read but 'the body keeps the score' is supposed to be good.

My take on it is that I will not let this man take more from me than he already has.

I do not dwell on it, I do not talk about it and I do not give it or him thought.

On occasion I will see something that upsets me, but this is no more than 5 mins - cuddle from my husband and I move on.

He is not worth my effort.............

Yes, 'the body keeps the score' is an excellent read. It really explains what happens and why in trauma. I work in a science field, (but it not a technical book at all) and understanding what happens to body/mind and why is liberating.

That applies to PTSD in general. It may be war, accident, death of someone close, etc.

It also explains how healing works and why.

5 stars on Amazon from thousands of reviews. I highly recommend it.

www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748?tag=mumsnetforum-21

That books also makes we wonder about other traumatized people in other cases, natural disasters, war, migrant crisis, etc. And how little support those people get.

@chocolatestrawberries, I assume based on that statement it was someone you knew, trusted. That must be awful ... but very different from my experience (stranger).

I don't have the same view, but I remember reading once: not all men are rapists, but all rapists are men (I know it's not literally true, but a scary thought nonetheless).

I have experienced trauma (not rape) and have a diagnosis of ptsd. I am currently going through CBT and making very good progress.id had counselling in the past and it did help but I think I had to process thibgs enough myself before I could recognise that I wasn't over it and had to work on it more. What I'm trying to say is maybe some counselling would be more.effective now that you can see how it influences your life and have identified some of the feelings you still harbour.

I am.so sorry at you went through what you did, I had lost hope of ever getting over my trauma and although it's been a long journey I finally find I can talknabout things much more rationally and honestly. I wish you the very best .

I don't think you 'get over it' in the sense that things go back to the way they were before. It changes you.
You can deal with the trauma, the PTSD, the depression and anxiety; and make a life for yourself. It won't be the one you would have had without the attack. But it will be one thats worth living.
See your GP and ask for CBT, and chase up Rape Crisis.

I found some inspiration in books from survivors. After Silence is very inspiring. Alice Sebold has some books I've read a many years back, she is amazing.

More recently I was at an event where a younger author Winnie Li www.winniemli.com/ spoke (on a panel). Great and interesting speaker. I bought her book, but did not get to read it yet. She has some blog posts too. Yet another inspiring person!

OP I've tried to comment on this thread a few times but keep hitting a wall and deleting what I've written but here goes another attempt.

Twenty years on, I live a 'normal', healthy life with a good partner and no fear so it is possible to move past but get over? If by that you mean get to a place where it doesn't matter to you anymore then no, I don't think you do. You just learn not to let it consume you and slowly it becomes a smaller and smaller part of your consciousness.

Mine wasn't a violent assault (as in I wasnt physically harmed and I'm confident my life was never in danger) and I don't remember most of it because I was mostly unconscious (am pretty sure the cowardly fucker wouldn't have tried if I was) so I didn't have as many layers of trauma to work through as you. I just have anger and it took me ages and hard, deliberate work to get to a place where that anger no longer consumed me. Leaving my hometown to get away from our mutual circle of friends, several years of self-destruction, and then suppressing the memory for a decade+ seems to have done wonders for me () but I can't see how it would be humanly possible to get past the violence, fear and violation you describe without help.

Holding it in will be harming you more. Are you sure there isn't someone in your life you could talk to? Or maybe Samaritans? In my area you can also self-refer to a talking therapy programme where you have telephone sessions with a mental health professional. For me, writing things down is always therapeutic so part of me wants to suggest writing about it for your eyes only, spilling every thought and feeling onto pages that you later burn or shred. Swear, rant, write about what you would like to do to the bastard in revenge... but with all the trauma you're carrying you might be safer delving into those feelings under professional supervision. I don't know.

I felt myself getting ready to delete all of that so I posted quickly and forgot to address the feeling I think you and I probably do have in common, which is a sense of injustice that the fucker can do what our rapists did and face no repercussions. I think that is what burned me alive for a long time and still does sometimes. I don't have a magic answer for how you get past that feeling but I think that thinking of your pain as one massive trauma makes it seem too big to tackle, so you need to identify smaller pieces within the bigger picture. There's the fear from the physical threat, the violation, the damaged trust, the injustice... some of those may be easier to explore and get past than others. Start small. Be gentle with yourself Instead of thinking you have to leave the house and go do something big, think about opening the front door and sitting on your front doorstep, breathing in fresh air and listening to the sounds around you. Others are right that isolation will be exacerbating your issues. Be gentle with yourself but push forward.

"Whatever you're going through / beauty or terror / just keep going. / No feeling is final." - Khalil Gibran

(sorry for the essay)

It happened to me when I was 18, which was my first sexual experience. I think he'd put something in my drink, I woke at his apartment with no recollection of getting there, I had only had 1 drink (he'd brought it for me). I was offered counselling but I didn't go for it as I didn't feel that it would help really (my stupid way of dealing with it was self-harm shortly after meaning I now only wear long sleeved tops). I didn't tell anyone, not even my mum.. for a long time (I was a singer, and I had met up with this man to do vocals for a track, which I hadn't told them about as I didn't know him previously) so I didn't tell my mum because I thought that it was my fault for not telling her where I was going, she, of course, didn't see it like that at all.

A couple of years after I got with a really nice man who really helped me (we are still friends) after that I met DH. I tolerate sex, even though I really love DH. I drink alcohol, but only 1 drink if I'm out with DH (I only go out with DH) I'd never ever get drunk in public.. don't like the feeling of being drunk anyway though as I can't bare to feel out of control.

I don't like being hugged .. except by 3 people (other then my children) one is DH the other 2 are close friends. If someone else does hug me, I freeze up which I do realise is crazy because I don't actually think they'll do anything, its just a reflex I think.

I feel fine mostly, I don't feel suicidal (I get depressed but there is a lot of depression in my family so that could be genetic) but I can't be around drunk men, if they get too close I freak out, even if they just brush past me ( I don't openly freak out.. I just get really shaky and upset).

I think it differs really with how people deal with it though or if they ever get over it.

I feel like I'm "over it" in the sense that I very rarely think about it and don't really have any feelings about it. Maybe it's because I didn't understand at the time that it was rape - I was in a relationship, I'd gone along with his requests before - instead, it slowly dawned on me over a long period of time. When I think back on specific incidents, the situations were violent and dangerous and I was probably afraid at the time, but I still don't have any feelings of trauma on the matter and it doesn't affect my life in any way. It makes me angry that someone like that can go around abusing and raping women and get away with it, but for me, rape was not the end of my world.

I have come to terms with it. However it was my ex that raped me, he first did it the day after a surgical abortion that he had forced me to have, and then again a few more times during the last months of our relationship. The final time was after we had split and I was dating DH but hadn't slept with him yet. My ex broke into my flat, assaulted DH, kicked him down the stairs and then raped me, breaking my arm in the process.

I didn't report it because I didn't think anyone would believe me - we had been a couple, he had left me and I thought people would think I was accusing him of rape to cause trouble for his new relationship. He had isolated me from family and friends during our time together to the extent that the only friend I had was DH, and as I hadn't known him long and really wanted things to work out with him, I didn't tell him about the rape for a long time, he just knew about the broken arm but even then I lied about how that happened (said I fell down the stairs trying to get away from my ex).

Time for me was a healer, and having DH in my life helped immensely because he taught me to trust again. I could compartmentalise what happened because I knew my ex was abusive. I don't know whether I could have got over it if I had been raped by a stranger, or someone I didn't know as well as my ex. As strange as it sounds, having been in a relationship with him means I can regard what happened as less shocking because of how abusive in all areas of life he was (sexual, financial, physical, emotional). And we had been together for nearly 2 years before the first time he raped me. If we had only been together a short time I think it would have made me more wary about future relationships.

I don't know if I've explained what I mean very well though...

Reading these posts is an eye opener for me.

Mine is the single instance of stranger rape.

All of the other posts are relating to people you had known, trusted, etc.

It’s difficult to read these, but thank you so much for posting and sharing. It’s very helpful.

I was abused as a child and I will never be ok. I would also never say that sentence in RL as I give the impression that I am. for you, OP, and everyone else affected on this thread. One of the things that was stolen from me was the ability to have a carefree adult sex life free from shame IYSWIM.