Heartbroken that I'm being forced to sell mum's house, she worked hard for it and paid her national insurance

[Jkoakham]

And now her savings are running out I will need to sell her house to carry on funding it.

It all seems to very unfair, her house was supposed to be passed to me but instead it's affectively passed to government and private companies.

I thought the dimentia tax had been can cancelled?

It is disgusting that someone that has worked all of their life can lose their home while someone that hasn't earned anything gets taken care of in exactly the same way.
No, it's disgusting that people like you think that only those who have been in paid employment are worthy of care.

People talking about individuals like the op's mum losing their home... she's not losing her home, she's selling her current home to pay for her new home, in which the care she needs is provided. If op's mum had different needs and was moving to live independently in an adapted ground floor flat, would you think she should live in that flat rent free, with all bills paid, and retain ownership of her existing home?

Caring for someone with dementia breaks people. When dementia gets bad people lose sense of night and day and wander around at all times of the day. They do things like pee in the carpet because they know they need to pee, but can not remember what a toilet or bathroom is and how to use it. They try to get out of the house and wander around.

Assisted suicide. It needs to be legal

Bloody hate the blaming of people through lifestyle choices.
Some people have had a very hard life. If you have been sexually abused by your father and brothers all through your childhood, and then struggle as an adult to learn how to have good relationships and keep your kids safe without over reacting, then just maybe always living healthily is not your top priority.

I agree it seems unfair - I'm in the same boat, but I'm just glad the money is there to fund a decent Care home.
The unfairness comes in because if a parent becomes unwell, usually through no fault of their own, they lose their capital. Whereas if your parent stays well, they keep their capital. It's a health lottery that way. In my Dad's case he never claimed a single state benefit (other than child benefit and state (contributory) pension) nor put any drain on NHS resources, and the only real time he's needed to 'dip in' as he has Parkinson's and dementia his house is sold.
But I don't see my parents' money as mine - it's to pay for their care. But I can see why it seems unfair as whether an inheritance is passed on as hoped depends on if you stay well. If your parents stay well, you get the money. Less attractively, if you're one of many who've played the system and transferred assets to yourself years ago to swerve selling a property, you may we'll get away with it too. My parents were advised of that option, but with my blessing, did not take it. So we sell the house to pay. I accept the position and as I say, happy we can fund a decent Care home, but it's a shame that health determines which families keep money and which do not.

Caring for someone with dementia breaks people. When dementia gets bad people lose sense of night and day and wander around at all times of the day. They do things like pee in the carpet because they know they need to pee, but can not remember what a toilet or bathroom is and how to use it. They try to get out of the house and wander around.
It takes more than one person to do this care because people need to sleep Exactly. I doubt many that comment saying they'll take care of their own have much of and idea what it truly takes.

I agree with crunchy surely inheritance tax is the obvious fair answer.
A large inheritance tax to pay for social care costs robustly enforced so people can’t tax avoid and government policy aimed at keeping house prices stable for a generation to let wages catch up would go a long way to redressing structural inequalities in our society.
I agree it would be nice to pass on an inheritance but the current situation is it is a complete lottery whether you do so or not. At least this would be fairer all round.
Care for our elderly should be a priority and this way would take enough money to do it properly and from those who have no need of it anymore - ie dead people

Honflyr I am older and have known plenty of older people who want to die because of their health, but won't because the are religious. As long as religion condemns suicide, most people in old age will not take this option. The last thing they want to do is muck up their chance of an after life.

I paid 35yrs NI contributions. I've got to wait another 5yrs for my state pension. I'm not bothered. It is what it is. Circumstances dictate etc. We're realistically using and being careful with assets. It's part of our long term plan should the need arise to help us in our old age. That's what's wrong in this country. We've become too dependant on the state to look after us.

I'm not unsympathetic to those who can't create a buffer for old age. But available resources should be there as a safety net for those in society less fortunate, not a cover-all expectation across the board.

haribosmarties

god yeah i really hope they legalise assisted suicide I dont want to sit in a care home for ten years wishing i was dead watching everything ive worked for my whole life being sucked into my 'care' rather than going on my children to make their lives better.

Amen. As I said before, pets are treated with more dignity and empathy.

As usual the system favours those who sit on their arses all their lives and strive for nothing.
I think comments about pounds signs are uncalled for. You mum had plans to leave you money, thats what she worked for. The cost of -usually substandard by poorly trained low pay people-care is repulsive for what you get.
Tragic.

Yoksha In places where the state does not help the elderly, old people simply die if they have no family to help them.
State help in some form for elderly poor people has existed in some form in Britain for centuries.

Few people earn enough to pay for their needs when too old to work. This is why in countries with no state help, people have lots of kids. That is their insurance policy for old age.

My private pension would stop me starving, but not pay for rent or other needs.

am older and have known plenty of older people who want to die because of their health, but won't because the are religious. As long as religion condemns suicide, most people in old age will not take this option. The last thing they want to do is muck up their chance of an after life.

I don't know any religious old people, but hopefully this will be less of a barrier for the younger gens as they age.

We have helped our daughters with house deposits, university etc and should we need our house proceeds for either my husband or me to go into a care facility then I hope they will understand.

I'd much rather have shitty care as an elderly person and leave my kids money etc, them living in a more luxurious care home and leaving kids nothing.

I'm sure you're a lovely person who loves your kids to bits Honflyr but I'm sure your kids are also lovely people who love you to bits and wouldn't want you to spend possibly the last decade of your life in misery and discomfort. The first quote is the healthiest. You help your children when you can, then when they are standing on their own two feet you look after yourself.

god yeah i really hope they legalise assisted suicide I dont want to sit in a care home for ten years wishing i was dead watching everything ive worked for my whole life being sucked into my 'care' rather than going on my children to make their lives better. This, absolutely. The idea of money that could be put to some use (even if only via the tax system) being used to keep me alive against my wishes.

It may feel equal as in some didn’t earn / or work much and get the same as someone who did. To many it would feel very unfair and hard to use it to win votes

There’s also that issue where you disincentivise people so much income received goes down - the same as when higher tax payers are hit too hard

There’s already comments about people sitting on their arses and getting something for nothing. People won’t welcone higher IHT

Most people still believe in God. And people tend to get more religious as they get older.
I am not talking about people who go to church. The older people I know do not go to church, but do believe in God and think there is something afterwards.

I agree with crunch and hot toddy. A rise in IHT seems a fairer approach. Not only paid for by those who get sick.
And to those who say care for someone yourself. I can only say that I always thought I'd do that - the reality was entirely different. It is a 24 hour round the clock job as the condition progresses - my Dad is turned hourly, by hoist, due to sores, and when he could walk he wandered every hour day and night. These are just a snippet. There's no respite to caring for someone with advanced dementia or other significant health needs.
But as I say, my parents house is being sold and I haven't and don't complain about it. It's paid for good care.

Things would have to be pretty bad to choose suicide

You don’t get to see the people you love anymore and would they choose it for you for a house? I doubt it

I know most won't welcome higher IHT. Which is why the current situation will remain.

And no way would I let my parents have shitty care. I know what shitty care actually means.

Also can you imagine the guilt of your kids if you chose suicide so they could buy a house? I have lost someone close through suicide and it is heartbreaking and the guilt is always there.

She needed to put her house in a trust so they can't use it to pay her fees. No idea how to do this but DP have. Also, diabetics and obese get free care so get feeding her up OP.

It's just the situation that we have with an ageing population. Not enough taxpayers to fund the care of the elderly.

I'm a homeowner and chances are the value will pay for my care. That's just how it is. Someone has to pay. The money has to come from somewhere

"You only have to read the renting threads on here to know that a huge number of people will expect the government to step in and look after them in old age"

Purple many people can only afford to rent not buy. Including the very care workers working in the care homes looking after elderly people like the OPs mum.

Are you saying they dont deserve care in their own old age when they have spent their lives giving that very same care to others?

Here here Crunchy etc. Both Parents had dementia. Only one left at late stage. Both at home for years. Mum died at home. Dad nowin home. Late stages terrifying, shocking, literally impossible to deal with at home even with two carers. Private agency with brilliant carers plus family just couldn’t do it. Just not possible. Tried it.

I'd much rather have shitty care as an elderly person and leave my kids money etc, them living in a more luxurious care home

All depends what you mean by this. Having decent basic care can prevent pressure sores, dehydration, cognitive decline, medication errors etc. etc. - all of which are expensive to correct. You might have decent basic care in a home with no amenities, outings, dismal views, basic but clean rooms etc. Your children wouldn't want you permanently ill because of poor care.

Or, you might have very poor care, live in fear of assault or bullying by staff/other residents, constantly pick up infections, be back and forth to local hospitals, always falling etc. etc. Your children wouldn't want you mistreated.

And, beyond that, there are the size of the rooms, views, activities, staff to resident ratio etc. etc.

And, that's before you get into the costs of somewhere that will accept some degree of incontinence or nursing needs.

Adequate care that is appropriately monitored and kept up to a decent standard costs considerably more money than is feasible for most people. The UK is managing now because family members are doing it (despite what people think) - what it's going to like as our demographics change and our current carers age out of being able to cover the number of people who need it?