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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel a bit isolated in choosing to stop at one child?

75 replies

Newname0987 · 24/07/2018 12:48

Irl anyway, as I don't know anyone else who has stuck with this decision! I'm 99% sure it's right for our family but feel guilty that I'm depriving dc of experience of having/being a sibling (aware they don't all get on so not assuming it would be all roses!) Anyone feel the same or have words of wisdom? Especially if you have stuck with one. Are you the odd one out in your circles too? Thanks

OP posts:
ByeGermsByeWorries · 24/07/2018 12:53

I only have the one. Family and friends often try to make me feel guilty telling me he's lonely and when are we going to give him a brother or sister or he will be spoiled, but honestly, he's neither lonely nor spoiled, just loved. He has autism though and doesn't really find interest in or seek the company of others.

For two reasons, he will remain an only child, the first being choice, I detested pregnancy due to hyperemesis, and equally hated baby/toddler years. The second being financially, I'm far from rich but I'm managing what we have fine and I can clothe and feed him and manage one birthday and one christmas, another child would turn that on it's head.

helpconfused · 24/07/2018 12:54

I have one, only ever wanted one, never changed my mind and am now a lone parent so extra glad I only have one. That's just me.

He has cousins and friends his own age, he isn't lonely. I play with him, he sees family and friends weekly and also attends a childminder so he has plenty of interaction.

My group of 'mummy' friends are starting on their next round of babies. I am the only one out of 9 that doesn't want another. Doesn't bother me at all. I brush off all of the comments from people who say he will miss out. He won't. He will have my sole attention when needed and it's my choice not to have any more.

checkingforballoons · 24/07/2018 12:56

We’ve just got one and have no plans for any more. I’ve had some utterly shitty comments BUT I’ve noticed the following:
If you don’t want any children at all ‘you’ll change your mind’.
If you have just one child you’re selfish for depriving them of siblings.
If you have two children you’re ok if you have a boy and a girl, but two of the same gender means you MUST be harbouring a secret desire for one of the opposite gender.
If you have three or more you’ll be asked if you have a TV, how you manage to give them all attention, etc.

You can’t win! So I say do what feels right for your family and sod everyone else. My son might grow up and tell me how sad he was not to have a sibling. I’ll deal with that if it happens!

Dontgiveamonkeys1350 · 24/07/2018 13:17

I had only one. But that was medical. Pregnancy and birth destroyed my body to the point where even now 15 years later I still suffer the consequences.

But I think I was lucky that everyone knew I had problems after and didn’t even mention the idea of me having more... mostly because they all agreeed with the doctor that it would be awful for my body to go through it again.

I was lucky in the fact that my sister had a baby a year after me. So both the boys grew up together. Spent all weekends together. Not so much now in teenage years. But he came on holiday with us to keep my son company.

My son doesn’t mind being an only and when asked he says that. He also knows that he wouldn’t have had all the presents time and energy spent on him if he wasn’t an only child. I would have loved another. It just wasn’t meant to be.

I would never dream of asking anyone when they were going to have another baby. Height of rudeness and nobody else’s business but your own. No one knows why is happening behind the scenes.

Original poster
Newname0987 · 24/07/2018 13:19

Thanks for those replies. Making the choice to stop seems to be the unusual choice. Everyone else has at least 2 and looks bewildered and also a bit sad for me when I say I'm content with 1!

Maybe it is just natural to want a second, or third, so not sure why I feel so different. All my friends with babies are also getting on with number 2.

I also felt like I wanted to post this as I have noticed on MN that people generally say having babies is the best thing they've ever done then the odd thread comes up where quite a lot of people admit they find it hard with even the taboo of regretting having 2 or 3 dc. Is there a middle ground where people think they are not really suited to being a mum and so choose not to go again?

OP posts:
M3lon · 24/07/2018 13:22

I also feel this....I try to remind myself that if I;d been living in china it would have been totally normal to have one child and poor all your effort into them....and that my feeling of isolation is only a local phenomenon.

I stuck got stuck at one because of the mental illness I suffered as a result of my birth experience. It is difficult to be in the position where it feels like everyone and everything is telling you that you should have had more, but you know having more isn't the right decision for you personally.

greendale17 · 24/07/2018 13:24

I know two people who are only children. Whilst they had a good upbringing, holidays, etc they both wished they had siblings

Snog · 24/07/2018 13:29

Why not check out the one child topic in the mumsnet talk parenting section

DinoGreen · 24/07/2018 13:30

I’m in the same boat OP, I have one DS who is 2.4 and most of my NCT group and other friends etc have already had a second or are pregnant. I dither about it constantly. DH and I are both utterly content with just DS and don’t really want another. But then I feel so guilty at the thought of him being a lonely only. He doesn’t have any cousins on my side and his two on dh’s side both live very far away and are much much older so not going to be sibling substitutes. I really don’t know what to do!

AgentJohnson · 24/07/2018 13:30

I was done at one. DD wanted a sibling until she spent more time with her bf and her little brother, suddenly she was happy that she didn’t have to contend with human sized mosquitoes. Nobody makes me feel guilty because I don’t and therefore don’t give them permission.

Sweetiedarlingletmein · 24/07/2018 13:36

My dd is almost 2 and I get asked all the time if I’m going to have another. I don’t think anyone believes it when I say no, it seems like such an odd thing to most people. I am very happy and grateful to have her and have no desire to have another. I just wish other people would accept that. Not that I care about what they think to be honest, it’s just tiresome!

caughtinthemiddle2 · 24/07/2018 13:36

I only have one child and only plan on having one child for a number of reasons.

  1. My partner does not want anymore, so why would I want a baby with somebody who definitely does not want another child (I also am very happy with our one child)
  2. I had horrendous hyperemesis while pregnant to the point where I was admitted to hospital for IV fluids and anti sickness injections over 10 times throughout my pregnancy
  3. Our child was/is a horrendous sleeper and I don't think I could go through that again
  4. We could give our 1 child so much more in terms of holidays and experiences
  5. Me and my partner have big groups of friends who all have children the same age and our child has cousins their age so they will never be lonely

All of these reasons still don't stop people telling you that you are cruel or looking at you strange for not having more. Personally I think it more cruel having a child that we don't want as a play thing for the child that we do have. Each to their own though everybody is different.

notthisagain83 · 24/07/2018 13:41

I have made the decision to have only one child. I'm a single parent of a DD who is 7. She completes me. I do not feel the need to have another at 34 and have said since she was born i do not want another.

I only know one other person who only has one child out of choice.

Firsttimemum892 · 24/07/2018 13:47

I think I will stop at one too. I think the only time being an only child is rubbish is when you get older and have to look after your parents other than that they won’t know any different and Hopefuly will have plenty of friends and cousins. I know if I had another one money would really be stretched so I would rather beable to give her everything she wants and needs (within reason) than giving her a sibling for the sake of having a sibling. I had mild postnatal depression and this is another major worry for me , my own mum had postnatal psychosis with her second child and this petrifies me

BlueBug45 · 24/07/2018 13:47

OP it is natural to want as many children as you want. So some women want one, others two, other three etc.

Also while some children want another sibling or more, others never do.

I remember having conversations with some of my nephews and nieces when young - some of them wanted their parents to have more children, while others where trying to hide the fact if they were the older sibling they wish the younger one wasn't there. (The former then turned on me and asked me when I was having children so they could have more cousins instead when their parents said "No". )

I've also had conversations with adults who have happily been only children, and teens/adults who haven't. In the latter case some of the teens/young adults have been so happy when one of their parents has had another child.

Point is people are individuals and what is right for one person isn't for another.

Original poster
Newname0987 · 24/07/2018 13:47

Why don't I know some of you ladies in real life! Sigh... Thanks for the considered and thoughtful responses

OP posts:
happinessiseggshaped · 24/07/2018 13:48

A friend has stopped at one through choice and was clear on that from the beginning.

Having another child does not automatically mean they will play together beautifully, have anything in common or still be talking to each other by the time they are adults.

You avoid all the parental guilt of not being able to do things like school assemblies or meetings or just kids parties because you aren't allowed to bring the younger/older sibling along. And the constant concern you are not being absolutely fair to both...

I have definitely seen more pluses of that choice in the last couple of years.

I have two boys and when little one was a baby I got asked a lot if I was going to have a third because didn't I really want a girl. Um, no. People will be silly and rude whatever if you don't have one boy and one girl, exactly two years apart and clearly in amazing good health. They would probably find something to negatively comment on even if that were the case.

bookworm14 · 24/07/2018 13:48

i sympathise, OP. I always assumed I would have two children, but since having DD (3 next month) I haven't felt the slightest desire for any more. There are also good financial and health reasons for us to stop at one. If we did have another at this point it would be out of guilt, which I don't think is a good enough reason to bring a child into the world!

ConkerGame · 24/07/2018 13:48

There were a few “only” children in my year at school and they all seemed perfectly content! One was very close to her parents and is still best friends with her mum now (early 30s), one had a very close best friend at school who she did everything with and probably considered to be a sister, and one ended up with lots of half siblings when she was in her late teens and her mum remarried. They are all happy, functioning adults now!

Stringofpearls · 24/07/2018 13:52

I'm an only child and have always loved being one, I have one daughter who will also be an only child. I think it makes little difference in terms of spoiling etc, there are plenty of spoilt siblings out there! You just need to do what's best for you.

BillywigSting · 24/07/2018 13:53

I'm definitely not suited to being a mum of very small children, and now that ds is a little bit older and can feed himself, dress himself and go to the toilet on his own, as well as hold a reasonably coherent conversation he's much more enjoyable.

I find he's becoming better and better company the older he gets.

The idea of going through the baby/toddler years and the severe restriction of freedom that entails honestly makes my blood run cold.

I was never very maternal in the first place and ds was a 'happy accident' but I still have no desire for more and never have.

Don't get me wrong, I love ds to bits and he is indeed the best thing I've ever done.

I just don't think I could face the disruption of a second child.

I need time alone and enough rest to be a good parent. At the moment I get that and feel like I'm doing a fairly good job of it.

I would rather give my all to my one dc than be stretched too thin over two or three.

limon · 24/07/2018 13:53

You aren't alone. I had a child late include and have stopped at one

Original poster
Newname0987 · 24/07/2018 13:58

Many of the reasons here are mine too, mild pnd, practical and financial concerns, finding baby years very tough, in fact BillywigSting you expressed it perfectly! The thought of starting again makes my blood run cold too. Lovely to share thoughts here as I haven't yet found anyone who feels the same to chat to

OP posts:
armsandtheman · 24/07/2018 13:59

I have a six year old daughter and am one and done! She's great and we have a great time together and I worry a second child would change things. I love that she can enjoy days out and holidays. She's very sociable and makes friends easily wherever we are. Over the summer holidays we have friends over on my days off and she has summer activities booked. We are a v happy three!

mirime · 24/07/2018 14:01

I always wanted two but have just the one. I was horribly sick and nauseous when pregnant and nobody would do anything about it, the I developed pre-eclampsia and had to be induced which I found traumatic.

A couple of years ago we were thinking of having a second, partly out of guilt of DS not having a sibling, but then health problems meant I was advised that would be potentially dangerous. By the time that was sorted I was nearly 40 and didn't want to start again. Plus the thought of being pregnant again and potentially being induced makes me incredibly anxious.

I do feel bad about it sometimes, but it's now at the point where even if I got pregnant straight away there would be six years between DS and a younger sibling so they probably wouldn't be playing together much.