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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a bit isolated in choosing to stop at one child?

75 replies

Newname0987 · 24/07/2018 12:48

Irl anyway, as I don't know anyone else who has stuck with this decision! I'm 99% sure it's right for our family but feel guilty that I'm depriving dc of experience of having/being a sibling (aware they don't all get on so not assuming it would be all roses!) Anyone feel the same or have words of wisdom? Especially if you have stuck with one. Are you the odd one out in your circles too? Thanks

OP posts:

Greenyogagirl · 24/07/2018 15:51

I have 1.
It means he can have 100% of my time and resources without it being split with a sibling.
It’s environmentally better.
I detested my siblings and don’t talk to any family really. I do feel guilty that he’s on his own but families are all different and I try to remember that

Cblue · 24/07/2018 15:52

I am only child, DDs an only child....wouldn't have it any other way
Pros- more time and attention to devote to one, financially easier, they tend to me more articulate and than their peers when young, house is tidier and calm (pretty sure my patience couldn't stretch to more than one anyway), grandparents happy looking after one but lots of small kids would be too much for them, a single child becomes part of your life rather than becomes your life
Cons- haven't found any yet (and she's 16)

They have found that only children are as sociable as other children. The few people I know with multiples spend all their time sorting out petty squabbles and not being able to give undivided attention (eg one reading to mum, a baby crying and and another one pulling pans out of the cupboard....aargh). Their social lives are restricted to the school run or going out without the children. And from what I have seen this has carries on through their teens
Some people are natural born earth mothers who thrive on the chaos whereas others of us would fall on the floor and weep. Doesn't mean one is right and the other is wrong
....but don't be fooled by the 'they will resent not having siblings when they grow up' speak. It's not true as far as DD and I are concerned

fussychica · 24/07/2018 15:53

Happy only one here with an only through choice. No regrets. He was so easy I couldn't believe I could be that lucky twice.
Do what you want, don't worry about what others think or say.

frasier · 24/07/2018 15:55

DS is an only. It means all our energy and resources are at his disposal! He goes to a fantastic school which we would be stretched to send two or three children to, and we enjoy him so much.

We’re all happy 😃

youknowwherethecityis · 24/07/2018 16:19

We're not yet sure if we will try for a second (like fussychica our DD was such an easy baby I know number 2 would be spawn of Satan - plus there's about 50 other reasons to stop at just the one).

But most people we know are the opposite of what people here describe and keep reminding us that 1 is a great number and there's nothing wrong with our DD being an only child.

It's so great to read all the comments from people who are more than happy to not have multiple children. Whilst only children do miss out on having siblings, often children with siblings miss out in other ways.

Original poster

Newname0987 · 24/07/2018 16:29

Some really insightful comments here, thank you. It's lovely to hear positives about being and having an only child.

I also feel like some PPs, in that I can't see myself thriving on the chaos of a busy house. Life feels quite balanced and manageable with 1 and I don't want to rock the boat, aside from all the stuff about pnd, lack of sleep, affect on marriage and general sanity.

I also think of the environmental factor, shocked at how much more rubbish we produce as a family of 3 plus all the washing etc and feel like how can I add another whole person's worth on top of that. So I just have to hope our dc does not resent the decision when they are older I suppose, as when it comes down to it that is where my 1% uncertainty lies

OP posts:

CryHavoc · 24/07/2018 16:30

My only is 10, and apart from a few broody twinges when my friends have had babies I have never doubted the decision.
She's happy as an only, we're happy having an only. She, her dad, and I do lots of things together, and we've always allowed her to invite a friend on outings and treats - sometimes she wants to, sometimes she doesn't.
We're a military family, so there are always plenty of other children playing outside, so the loneliness question never comes up. She tends to seek her own company out if she's had friends over for a long time or has been to a friend's house.
And when my husband has been deployed away I have never struggled with her - she's always been an easy kid and I've never found being on my own with her difficult. I've seen woman with more children struggle when husbands have been away.
Very happy with my choice to have an only.

Dreamingofkfc · 24/07/2018 16:44

I'm an only child and hate it. I didn't have the most loving up bringing though

Pingipinguin · 24/07/2018 16:55

My cousins fight like cat and dog. Both girls with an age gap of around 15 months. They now don't see each other at all although the fighting has eased.
My parents both have several siblings who they only see at Christmas and when the family comes together, it doesn't feel natural or comfortable. It's just pleasantries and feels so forced.
It's easy to imagine that having multiple children will result in companionship for life. This really isn't the case because you can choose your friends but not your family and just because you're related, doesn't mean you have to get on if you have completely different personalities!

yorkiemummy · 24/07/2018 17:08

I made the decision to only have 1, I don't agree that my DD needs a sibling to play with me and my brother never played together as kids and only started to get on when we both had our own kids. My DD and his DD are very close and I wouldn't be able to afford all the out of school activities she does if I had 2 or more.

BubblesPip · 24/07/2018 17:16

I have just one Dd and she’ll stay that way due to complications after her birth. I felt sad initially, but I genuinely think it feels right for us now. I could not afford two children without serious financial strain. I wouldn’t be a good mum to two or more. I feel guilty enough having to split my time between a toddler, dog and cat Ive also never known anxiety like it, the worry a child brings is beyond what I could ever have expected. Don’t worry what others think

Creatureofthenight · 24/07/2018 17:19

It’s a tough decision. I’m happy so far with one, I might consider a second when the age gap is bigger as I don’t feel I have the energy for two tinies. But then I’ll be over 40 which comes with its own risks.
I sometimes feel a bit bad, I have a great relationship with my sister so am I depriving DD of that? But there’s no guarantee how sibling relationships will turn out.

Onedaylikethi5 · 24/07/2018 17:23

Someone might have already said, I haven't read the full thread, but in the parenting section there is a one-child families section and there's an awesome thread where loads of people have listed the positives of just one.

I could have written your post. My friends are all now moving on to baby no 2 or 3 and I just can't comprehend that for us. I love having time for my DD my DH and myself. And the financial benefits are significant too. I'm one of 4 and I live my siblings, but looking back I realise how little one to one time I got growing up.

keyboardkate · 24/07/2018 17:37

Saving the planet from overpopulation is a good decision.

I have several friends with just the one child. All good.

Original poster

Newname0987 · 24/07/2018 20:18

I also wonder if part of my reason is being a bit introverted? I often crave time alone and really value the time I get while my husband plays and looks after our dc. I am sure that would be almost impossible with a second. I know people say they play together when they are older and it is less intensive but then you would still have double the things to organise, different activities and homework and one on one time to fit in so I can't really see that argument making sense for me?! Plus it's a long road to get to that point!

OP posts:

BillywigSting · 24/07/2018 20:44

@Newname0987 I think that certainly has something to do with our decision to only have one.

I am quite strongly introverted and when questioned by my parents as a child as to whether or not I would want a sibling the answer was always an emphatic no

I love spending time with my friends a certain members of my family but I still find it exhausting.

Both of my parents and dp are introverted too and ds is showing signs of it too

Ihatemycar · 24/07/2018 20:53

Hi we decided to stop at one child. Best decision ever. We both are besotted with him. Gets lots of time with us. Lovely quiet house.
Got enough money to pay for extras like piano and karate.
He is now 12 and the best kid ever. Very funny and chilled.
He never asked or wanted a sibling. If you ask him today he'll tell you he loves to be an only child.
Plenty of our friends have an one child so for him it's normal.
If I went back in time I'll have one child again.

youknowwherethecityis · 24/07/2018 20:55

Ah see that makes me question my decision. I absolutely hate alone time, I am definitely not introverted and I feel already like DD would love a sibling. Her cousin is 2 years older and she absolutely adores her.

BitchQueen90 · 24/07/2018 21:00

I'm an only child and it's honestly something I never even thought about as a child. I'm an extrovert as well.

My DS is an only too and my best friend also has just one child.

There are a lot of reasons why I don't want any more - I am no longer with DS's father and I don't want to have children with different fathers (there is absolutely nothing wrong with that but it's not something I want personally). I had a bad pregnancy and birth. I am also a low earner and if I had another child I would struggle very much financially.

PurpleMac · 24/07/2018 21:01

One and done over here! Although we also have DSS who is here 40% of the time.

I always wanted lots. DH could only manage the one miracle baby and we couldn't conceive so adopted. The whole process was fine and quick and our DS is the love of my life....but never again. I feel pretty fulfilled by my role as his mum and just don't feel any pangs of broodiness for more! I've surprised myself really.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 24/07/2018 21:05

We only have one, my friends all have two or more, and I don’t feel like the odd one out. I have the option to take my friends children on trips with DH, Ds and I as we always have the time, money and energy to treat them and it makes nice company for ds but I don’t regret stopping at one.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 24/07/2018 21:06

We might foster in the future though.

AuraBora · 24/07/2018 21:12

I totally understand where you're coming from, OP. I have a 10-month old and while I love her to bits, I'm finding motherhood pretty difficult and just don't think I could manage more. But I do feel sad at the thought of her possibly being an only child, I know I shouldn't but I love my sister so much and as adults we are so close. I know that kind of relationship isn't a given and we fought like anything when we were young.
I think on balance though I need to listen to my gut instinct which is telling me we can be very happy as a family of 3... And as other posters say, giving your child a sibling it not in itself a reason to have another.

Jammysod · 24/07/2018 21:15

I made a choice to just have the 1. I have no regrets & don't care about other people's opinions on the matter, I'm very happy with my decision.
It's your life op, you make the decisions for you. Don't listen to other people.

AgentJohnson · 24/07/2018 22:12

If I had had another, it would have been for —‘giving DD a sibling’— personal bullshit reasons. Everyone is different, I cannot get my head around women who keep having children because they miss the baby years, WTAF! DD was an easy baby but there’s no way I’d want the baby years back.

For many, querying peoples decision to stop at one is like a form of Tourette’s. If I’m asked, I always retort with an equally personal question that is none of my damn business, then you get the offended response and then their realisation that they have been rude. Holding up a mirror to some people’s behaviour is often the simplest way to remind them that there is a line.

As D D gets older

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