To want to be a SAHM? I feel guilty.

[NameChangeForThis11]

I have one child and am expecting another. This has a backstory so will post it to not drip feed.

Since childhood, I’ve suffered with being “frail”. I’ve had awful anxiety and lethargy they’ve never found a cause for. I have a rubbish immune system, and never managed full attendance at school and was always sickly and in hospital.

During my teenage years, my anxiety turned into depression and that also contributed.

Despite being academic, I’ve never been blue to hold down a job. Every job I get eventually leads to burn out. I start off really well, only to end up exhausted and depressed. Working full time exacerbates my depression and makes me feel utterly awful. I come home from work and cry myself to sleep because the interaction, the pressure, the feeling like I’m making mistakes gets to me. I also feel like I am neglecting my child and I hate it. I cannot stand it. I don’t want a career, I want to be with my children.

I only feel okay when I am home with my child. I adore home baking, taking him to the park, watching him learn and the amazement at the world. I want to be there during these moments. I took two years out when I had him and I loved it. During that time, the anxieties I feel were not present.

I also enjoy looking after the home and making it a nice place for us to be.

However I’m acutely aware this is “old fashioned” and not very well respected. My dad has told me he thinks it’s a waste that I don’t want a career as I’m fairly academically minded and that women fought hard for opportunities.

Ive spoken to my DH about this and he supports me in me wanting to work either very part time hours or not at all.

WIBU to “just” be a SAHM? I feel fulfilled, healthy and happy when doing this vs depressed, exhausted and burned out otherwise.

Of course yanbu. Do whatever works best for you and your family. Explain that to your dad and that's it's not negotiable!

You only get one life, you have to live it the way YOU want to, there is no shame in being a sahm- it in itself is a challenging role and absolutely to be respected.
You do whatever you want to be happy!

Do what works for you. There is no point working if it's damaging your mental health and financially you don't need to.

It's a decision for you and your DH, nobody else. If you can afford not to work, you don't want to work and your DH doesn't feel resentful abhor providing for you all - then it's easy, don't work. Your right to choose is what matters, not a requirement to work. It might be worth trying to tackle your anxieties for the future, but slowly and at your own pace, as it could be that you just haven't found a job you enjoy enough. What did you do for work? Is there anything you might enjoy doing where you could be running your own small business from home when the children get older?

Women fought hard to be able to make choices. If this is your choice then go for it.
You don't even need to make a final decision straightaway though. You could go on extended maternity leave with your second and keep your job options open whilst you see how it works out.

The main barrier to being a SAHM is normally financially, but then staying at home will save loads in childcare fees.

You might also want to think about the future when both children are at school, would you still want to be a SAHM or maybe go back part time.

*about not abhor

Absolutely become a SAHM - not enough people do it these days. Put you and your children first.

Yanbu. You sound like you would be the perfect sahm so do what makes you happy and go for it! Don't listen to other people, only the ones who matter. If your DH is supportive and you can afford it do it. All the best x

I'm a working mum but can totally sympathise as my mental health suffers really badly if I have to be at home with the children for weeks at a time. I totally get judged for that! But you have to do what is right for you and take care of yourself for the sake of your family. Anyone who cares about you would just want you to be happy!

You must do whats right for you and your family.
I felt very strongly about not working post dc, I don't care if it was old fashioned or not respected by some members of society. I managed 25 years before working again and now I'm a sahm again.
I agree, that you get one life, you must do what's right for you, sod what anyone else thinks, they don't matter.

It’s your life. If you were my sister I would encourage you to pursue the reason you feel the way you do. I would also keep some type of part time work if you can. Each to their own but I think it’s a big mistake to rely on a man long term however if you’re financially independent then just do what makes you happy.

I am an sahm.

I am university educated but never had a career as such. Just a string of crap admin jobs with no prospects.

My life isn't glamorous. I am not super mum and my 2 toddlers drive me to despair on a regular basis but I do feel more fulfilled now than in any job I've ever had.

If you can do it financially and you have dp's support I don't see why you shouldn't give it a go.

Easier said than done but try and ignore others. It's not their life. It also won't be forever either.

My youngest will be going to nursery soon. Dh thinks I should still stay at home but I'd like to do something else then so either work with him a couple of mornings a week and do some distance learning of some sort too.

I have anxiety too and I feel like I couldn't go back to a normal job sp I feel lucky sometimes but there are downsides too. I don't have any friends with dc the same age or a big support network so it can be lonely at times.

I totally understand how you feel though.

It's your choice! It involves sacrifices to achieve it, but if you can afford it and it makes you/your family happy, do it!

As for "not very respected", you know what, absolutely right people have fought for this to be a choice, and YOUR CHOICE it is - people who don't respect your choice here, the problem is with them. Certainly the days of being dictated to or spoken down to by your father about what you want to do with your life and what you choose to work at are long gone, and I would politely but absolute firmly remind him of that in no uncertain terms.

You sound like me in the enjoying being at home with the kids! I sometimes feel like I should contribute financially but then I think, naaaah, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it! 😄 plus you have the valid reason of your ‘frailty’, I totally get that. That’s a valid reason for staying home. But you don’t even need a reason further than ‘I want to and it works for our family’.

PS: if you do choose to do this, don't accept being judged or talked down to for your conscious decision. Contrary to what some might say, devaluing motherhood and treating you like it's freeloading or you are the "little woman" is absolutely at the spear tip of sexism.

Not all all. I've been a combo of sahm and self employed for 15 years.

I know work at a successful tourist attraction 2 days a week and that's enough for me. It gets me out meeting people but I don't have the stress of a full time job.

It's the sort of job I can leave at the door too.

It's crap money but its fine for my needs.

I think if that's what you want and you can afford it. Do it.

Thank you everyone. We can afford it just, but DH should be getting a very good salary raise soon and so it should make it even more feasible. We won’t have a lot of money at the moment, but all my wages would go on childcare anyway.

When the kids are at school, I would love to work with the school to help organise extra curricular activities, school fetes, that sort of thing. My eldest has slight special needs and I want to make sure I’m visible and contactable by the school to ensure he has the support he needs.

I’d also quite like to volunteer in the local community, maybe at a charity shop or non profit organisation. I really enjoy helping others and feel
I’m much more suited to doing that than working in an office full time.

I think my dad just thinks I’m lazy. He’s never understood my anxiety and says I should just toughen up and get on with it. He’s otherwise a lovely bloke but a bit rubbish with mental health related things.

Make whatever choice is right for you and your family, just make sure it's an informed choice.

A long time out of work with a very patchy track record before that places you in a vulnerable situation should things change. If you know that and want to stay at home then do that.

As an aside, it may be worth spending some time dealing with your anxieties to get to the root cause.

Sounds like a good option for you.

Please do make sure that you are really financially protected - that house is in joint names, you have your own money, that DH has life insurance, long term disability insurance and is paying into a good pension, and that you have full access to and visibility of financds - because one thing you do see a lot on here are women who have loved being at home but 7 years later their circumstances change and they need to get work and money but can't.

My DH suddenly became very ill when I was a SAHM and luckily only 2 years in, because I had to go back to work full time, while he was off work (but still not able to care for dcs, so had to fund childcare too), then part time and he's only now heading back to full time a nearly 2 years later. I'm about to have dc3, and given his health and chance of recurrence I now will not be returning to long term sahm-hood after maternity leave - however certainly would if I had the ability, so if it works for you that's great.

@mrsnec are you me? I could have written that except for the two toddlers part. I have one so far. I’m currently a SAHM for my 16 month old but have been thinking about going back to work but something has held me back. I worked full time up until my maternity work and found it exhausting while being pregnant and they didn’t treat me very well. I’m thinking it’ll be easier to stay home with my toddler during the next pregnancy. Like you said as well though OP i do feel really guilty for not working at least part time and doing it all and just taking care of the house and my young toddler. The truth is though paying for childcare wouldn’t be worth it for me as I would just about break even so I think what’s the point. I will feel guilty despite this though!

leave*

still*

I have similar issues. Bright, expectations placed on me (from school) to be a high achiever. However I struggle with ill health, burn out, fatigue. I’m in a vocational career but currently struggling in my chosen field. I only work part time. I did get a temporary promotion but am now back to the entry level I started at.

I discovered I am autistic a couple of years ago. It explained so much! I’m better at pacing myself and avoiding burn out now. Personally I wouldn’t do well being a SAHM because I need structure (I got very low on mat leave due to lack of routine) but I think in your circumstances you should do what makes you happy. If you can afford it, why not be a SAHM? You can always go back to work later down the line if you want to.

This sounds like me. I have fibromyalgia and am being investigated for lupus after recent tests. Have you seen a Rhumatologist? I’m far from in perfect health now but drug therapy has meant I can now work part time (2 days) and have a lovely few days with my daughters. I’m not saying I never get tired but the bone-crushing exhaustion is kept under control.

I was a dept head of a core subject in a secondary school before I had kids though and I agree, I used to cry with exhaustion. I am just a classroom teacher two days a week now and it works for us. And keeps my hand in with the job.

@BendydickCuminsnatch I’m liking your ‘naaaah, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it!’ moto.