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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to be a SAHM? I feel guilty.

71 replies

NameChangeForThis11 · 24/07/2018 10:16

I have one child and am expecting another. This has a backstory so will post it to not drip feed.

Since childhood, I’ve suffered with being “frail”. I’ve had awful anxiety and lethargy they’ve never found a cause for. I have a rubbish immune system, and never managed full attendance at school and was always sickly and in hospital.

During my teenage years, my anxiety turned into depression and that also contributed.

Despite being academic, I’ve never been blue to hold down a job. Every job I get eventually leads to burn out. I start off really well, only to end up exhausted and depressed. Working full time exacerbates my depression and makes me feel utterly awful. I come home from work and cry myself to sleep because the interaction, the pressure, the feeling like I’m making mistakes gets to me. I also feel like I am neglecting my child and I hate it. I cannot stand it. I don’t want a career, I want to be with my children.

I only feel okay when I am home with my child. I adore home baking, taking him to the park, watching him learn and the amazement at the world. I want to be there during these moments. I took two years out when I had him and I loved it. During that time, the anxieties I feel were not present.

I also enjoy looking after the home and making it a nice place for us to be.

However I’m acutely aware this is “old fashioned” and not very well respected. My dad has told me he thinks it’s a waste that I don’t want a career as I’m fairly academically minded and that women fought hard for opportunities.

Ive spoken to my DH about this and he supports me in me wanting to work either very part time hours or not at all.

WIBU to “just” be a SAHM? I feel fulfilled, healthy and happy when doing this vs depressed, exhausted and burned out otherwise.

OP posts:

Slimmingsnake · 24/07/2018 11:34

All of my friends are stay at home mums as well....various situations,one is a single parent ,one married like me ,another was a teacher ,but gave it up to stay home when her kids went to secondary.mostly they have 2 kids ..I'm the only one with 4. Two of mine have autism...two of My friends also have kids with autism,and they are stay at mums because their child needs extra support .

FASH84 · 24/07/2018 11:40

YANBU if you can afford it without DP burning himself out, but do think about later life, I've the children are more independent, Etsy do you want for yourself then? Funny let your whole identity become mum, it will affect your self esteem massively when you're not needed to the same extent as they grow up and eventually leave home. There are lots of opportunities for home withing these days as the children get older, especially if you love to bake, wedding/party cakes etc might be something over time you adapt from a hobby to a part time business where you control how much work you feel able to take on when the children are older

Allthewaves · 24/07/2018 11:43

Woman fought to have choice. So be a sahm if you and your partner decide that's the best option. You could always do something freelance from home later on

FASH84 · 24/07/2018 11:44

Ugh so many typos hopefully it makes some sense!

DamsonPie · 24/07/2018 11:48

all my wages would go on childcare anyway.
In that case why would you even bother working? Unless you have a good career that you want to continue when DC go to school, and maintaining your skills is the motivation for working for nothing for a few years.

Personally I’d love to be a working mum building a great career. But I don’t have that option. I’m educated but the only jobs I’ve ever been able to get are crap jobs that I only did for the money. Once the money is taken away (ie to pay for childcare) there’s basically no point in me working. So I’m a SAHM and I enjoy it because for once I actually have an important role and some autonomy. I used to feel like crap every day because I was a worthless lump at the bottom of the work hierarchy who got paid a pittance. Now as a SAHM I’m basically the CEO.

Original poster

NameChangeForThis11 · 24/07/2018 12:10

have you ever thought about working from home? This is something I’m considering when ds is alittle older. I don’t know if it’ll be too lonely though. I love being a SAHM in every way but do find it abit lovely and still thinking about seeking a part time 2 days a week little job but not found anything with the right hours yet.

I have considered that and it’s an option I’m still thinking about, because I think it’s something I might really enjoy.

You sound very similar to me OP (in the health issues and burning out quickly at work, I couldn't be a SAHM but would prefer part time). I did well academically and have a good job now but spent years doing menial admin jobs, I have never, and will never, reached the potential I once had. Have you ever been to the doctors about chronic fatigue syndrome? I was diagnosed with it after a years of tests ruled out MS

It’s been mentioned but not followed up, but I have often wondered if I have something like that. The crushing fatigue sounds like what happens to me. I get a few good days and then I just can’t get out of bed sometimes.

OP posts:

Original poster

NameChangeForThis11 · 24/07/2018 12:13

In that case why would you even bother working? Unless you have a good career that you want to continue when DC go to school, and maintaining your skills is the motivation for working for nothing for a few years.

This was the only reason I was considering working to be honest. To “keep my hand in”. But honestly, it’s not that important to me, and DHs job (he’s currently still a trainee but once completed, he will be on very good money) is more of a career that he wants to build and excel at. I think it makes sense for me to support him by dealing with the domestic sphere.

OP posts:

TheCag · 24/07/2018 12:21

I think it’s sounds like a really good idea op.

Once the children are in school you could volunteer, think of starting up your own business, help out at school. There are a lot of options out there and it’s a shame we are boxed in to thinking being employed is what we ‘should’ do.

If you can I’d still try to pay into a pension pot though.

Amanduh · 24/07/2018 12:27

Yadnbu. Enjoy your kids and your life. It’s short.

kmammamalto · 24/07/2018 12:28

Ignore your dad. Staying at home and taking on the full weight of raising your children full time and running the home/keeping it nice is a huge and demanding job and you are incredible to want to do it! I've been at home with DS for two years and sometimes I have found it so so hard I've wondered why on earth I'm doing it. I hate that staying at home is so looked down on it's disgusting to judge women for the choices they make.
Hold your own. Stay home and be happy. No one knows your situation like you do x

eyycarumba · 24/07/2018 12:32

I get like this and have on occasion had to take time off work for it, several days a week I come home and end up straight in bed or asleep on the sofa - which then makes me feel like shit because that's time for DS (he does usually come cuddle up with me) - or I go to bed with him at half 7. Weekends when DS is with his dad are catch up, if left to my own devices I will sleep through till the afternoon and still slob the rest of the day.

Original poster

NameChangeForThis11 · 24/07/2018 12:47

I get like this and have on occasion had to take time off work for it, several days a week I come home and end up straight in bed or asleep on the sofa

This happens to me most nights. It doesn’t when I am home, at least not as much.

OP posts:

MrsAidanTurner · 24/07/2018 13:25

I can't get my head around how being highly educated but choosing to be at home with your son is a waste? So he gets to be with his loving no fan and a highly educated one who is passing that on rather than 19 year old nursery worker. Yes!! What a waste?!

LeighaJ · 24/07/2018 14:14

If you feel happiest and healthiest being a SAHM and offering more support to your husband and he supports your choice then that's all that matters.

As someone else pointed out women fought hard for women to have a CHOICE of what kind of life they want to live, not just so they could work.

NWQM · 24/07/2018 14:15

It’s fab. Could give you a massive back story as to why but perhaps suffice to just say - give it a try!

ConciseandNice · 24/07/2018 14:20

Maybe your dad is right, maybe you should toughen up, but you know what...one day he’ll be dead and you don’t want to have lived your life for him. You should live your life for you. It sounds like you get joy and happiness from being a loving mum and creating a warm and happy home. For goodness sake don’t deprive yourself and your family of that. Be happy. Xx

Seedso · 24/07/2018 14:25

Yanbu. Id like to be a sahm, i dont see any shame in runing a household, it takes a lot if work and skill to do well, but i have to work for the money. If you dont, fine then!

OrgyOfBarminess · 24/07/2018 14:28

I think what you're suggesting is a great idea, you're still having your own time, childcare's covered, husband is happy to support you, you're financially stable no brainer.

Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for doing what's best for you and you're family unit.

Argeles · 24/07/2018 14:48

I’ve felt so similar to you over the years op, and been through similar experiences. It is obviously as horrible for you as it has been for me, but it’s comforting to know of someone who is similar to myself.

Despite enjoying my former career as a Teacher, each school always left me feeling burnt out, and one left me suicidal (bullying by senior management). Even part time employment whilst studying used to completely wear me out.

It has honestly been the most liberating and healthy choice in my life so far to become a SAHM. Before I became a SAHM, my parents and friends kept on telling me that ‘I am intelligent and an academic, and would get bored.’ I’ve not worked now for 4 years, and I’m still waiting to get bored!!! I admittedly have started studying part time, but that’s to help me diversify when my children are at school and I’ll probably unfortunately, incredibly reluctantly have to work again. I actually have nightmares and daymares about having to ever work again.

I adore being able to be with my children, and never forget how fortunate I am to be able to do this.

Become a SAHM op, I really don’t think you’ll regret it!

LovelyLemurs · 24/07/2018 15:13

I am similar and have anxiety, immune issues and mild ASD. I SAH for almost 2 decades. Loved every minute. Went back to retrain once my DC were all at school.

As a SAHM I felt much more judged. Also DH would make comments now and then. I feel he did resent it. I also felt vulnerable relying on someone else. Hence also using the time to up my qualifications to degree level.

Yanbu. Enjoy.

GummyGoddess · 24/07/2018 15:45

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be with your children. Although I love maternity leave and work part time I don't think I have the right skills to stay at home for years.

However you need to ensure you have a life outside of them when they get older. I've seen so many women who make their children the centre of their life and then their lives are empty once the children grow up and leave home.

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