To want to be a SAHM? I feel guilty.

[NameChangeForThis11]

I have one child and am expecting another. This has a backstory so will post it to not drip feed.

Since childhood, I’ve suffered with being “frail”. I’ve had awful anxiety and lethargy they’ve never found a cause for. I have a rubbish immune system, and never managed full attendance at school and was always sickly and in hospital.

During my teenage years, my anxiety turned into depression and that also contributed.

Despite being academic, I’ve never been blue to hold down a job. Every job I get eventually leads to burn out. I start off really well, only to end up exhausted and depressed. Working full time exacerbates my depression and makes me feel utterly awful. I come home from work and cry myself to sleep because the interaction, the pressure, the feeling like I’m making mistakes gets to me. I also feel like I am neglecting my child and I hate it. I cannot stand it. I don’t want a career, I want to be with my children.

I only feel okay when I am home with my child. I adore home baking, taking him to the park, watching him learn and the amazement at the world. I want to be there during these moments. I took two years out when I had him and I loved it. During that time, the anxieties I feel were not present.

I also enjoy looking after the home and making it a nice place for us to be.

However I’m acutely aware this is “old fashioned” and not very well respected. My dad has told me he thinks it’s a waste that I don’t want a career as I’m fairly academically minded and that women fought hard for opportunities.

Ive spoken to my DH about this and he supports me in me wanting to work either very part time hours or not at all.

WIBU to “just” be a SAHM? I feel fulfilled, healthy and happy when doing this vs depressed, exhausted and burned out otherwise.

The other thing I should add is I am much better than DH at sorting appointments, booking deliveries, ensuring people are in the house when they need to be, calculating finances and that sort of thing so feel I could do this from home to ensure the household runs smoothly.

DH leaves everything last minute!

If you can afford to be a sahm, be one. If you are financially comfortable on one salary and enjoy being at home with little ones (not everyone does), then it’s the ideal role for you.

I know lots of sahms, north London private school circle, it’s pretty standard here. Never occurred to me not to respect someone because they don’t do paid work outside of the home, as though dumping your children in nursery and being a wage slave for someone else is something profoundly worthwhile.

@NameChangeForThis11 have you ever thought about working from home? This is something I’m considering when ds is alittle older. I don’t know if it’ll be too lonely though. I love being a SAHM in every way but do find it abit lovely and still thinking about seeking a part time 2 days a week little job but not found anything with the right hours yet.

If its what is going to make you and your family happy - go for it! I could tell lots of people in my NCt group thought I was weird to choosing to stay at home - we have the smallest home and don't go on glamorous holidays but it was definitely the right choice for us. I had a career in publishing, which I loved but I was in pieces after thinking about being away from my DS at such a young age.

lonely*

I'm at home full time with one child. I've never work outside my house.
If you can afford it and your DH is happy with the arrangement stay at home.
It may sound old fashion but the children love having a parent at home.
Child care is so expensive. Maybe go back part time when the kids go to school?

Of course YANBU! Wanting to be at home with your children, and enjoy your home is nothing to feel bad about. If you are in a position to be able to do this and it is something you want, it has nothing to do with anyone else.

I'm in a professional role in a career I have worked hard for. Since having DD (now 14 months) I only work one day a week (so I feel like a nearly SAHM!) and I love being at home with her, and enjoy all the things you mentioned. I used to have awful headaches (migraine type ones which would land me in bed!) but since maternity leave I haven't had one! I'm sure its the massively reduced stress.

Enjoy your children and tell anyone else to keep their nose out!

I think a period of SAHM can be positive, but I'm a bit concerned when it's chosen because normal working life is seen as too hard. It can become an avoidance strategy, and that doesn't fix the underlying issues.

You absolutely have to take your health into account, and it may be very sensible to avoid full-time work (what's considered "full-time" is a historical artefact rather than a magic "right" number). But I would suggest that you look for some way to keep economically active, even if it's fairly part-time.

I have a pretty good career and get really well paid for working three days a week but if we could afford for me to be a SAHM I’d leave my job in a heartbeat. Do what is best for you and your family.

Which do you want to be, a SAHP or a very part time worker? Because there can be quite a big difference between SAHPing and even just 10 or 12 hours a week. You mention both in your OP. You don't actually have to not have a career even if you're only going to work a few hours a week, though you don't sound that bothered about that aspect anyway. If you do actually want to work part time, is there something you want to do, or is it just that you would work part time and it's not the job that matters particularly, just the hours?

YANBU - women fought for access to the workplace generally. That doesn't mean that every individual woman should feel duty bound to work if she doesn't want to and doesn't have to. If you can afford it and your husband is supportive of the idea, you aren't letting anyone down or failing in any way. The only people whose opinions matter in this decision are yours and your husbands.

You've found what you love, and that's great. Don't feel guilty (although there are many many factors and people that will endeavour to make you feel just that).

I'm at the stage where my kids are at school and I'm trying to get back into work/earning money. It's hard. My advice to you is:

Sort out the finances. Really sort them. You need your own savings and your own pension and equal access to family money. Being married is not enough cover if something happens. I'm sure your H never will leave you or have an affair but the money's there either way.

Keep doing something else unconnected to the kids. Something that is skilled and you can put on your CV. I'm not joking. I know and you know that SAHP develop a whole set of skills that those who don't SAH don't, but you will never convince anyone who might pay you money to do something of that so have an extra string to your bow. It can be something you enjoy - so rather than organising stuff for your kid's school, organise it for a local community group. I don't know why, but this is much more well-respected.

That way you are covered if you stay at home for the rest of your life and covered if it turns out you can't do that for whatever reason.

Do what works for your family. I am very lucky to work a part time professional job I have been able to juggle with family life, but not everyone has that option. I don't really understand the mentality of working and pushing all your money into childcare especially when you children are pre school.

Don't get me wrong, I know some people do it so as not to lose their place in their career and other financially have to and both situations are sensible. But I have seen people who could survive without working and being totally miserable just because "working sets a good example for the children". I don't think feeling societal pressure to work is a good reason to make yourself (and by extension your children) unhappy if you can afford not to and both partners are happy with this.

It's not "a waste" - someone has k look after your children (a role which is so valuable yet totally disregarded) and if you are able and happy to do it then it may as well be you. I would look to work part time if you can certainly once the children are in school- more to avoid isolation and to maintain independence than because anyone else should care.

A waste? What a horrible thing to say.
Being a SAHM can be the most fulfilling job in the world and it makes me sad when I read comments like the one your father has made. Don't allow his views to cloud your decision here. Grr that's got me really cross

It is perfectly reasonable for a mother to want to look (and shock horror enjoy looking) after her own children! The world has gone mad - it really has!

bibliomania
You expressed it better than me.

Why not..it’s your life and your lifestyle choice. You should do what makes you and your family happy. But evaluate the consequences and make financial protection plans/arrangements. MN is full of SAHMs who ‘sacrificed their carreer to allow a husband to pursue his and raise children’ and then complain about divorce settlements or the absence of those. Make sure you always have a plan B. Good luck

raising children is a job, an important one. Do it.

Yanbu
But make sure to consider not just what you want now, but also what you might want in the future

Ie if you think a nice part time job using your skills would be good when they’re school age consider how you might get that

Otherwise if you’re happy not to work in the same area it doesn’t matter so much - although not impossible it is harder with a big break

Sod 'em all! Take no notice of what others say or might (possibly - you do not know) think. "Just" a SAHM; "old-fashioned." It is all bollocks.

Bringing up a child is the most important job by far that anyone, male or female, can do ever, anywhere, anytime.

Some choose to pursue a career and have others share that important job with them, some choose to do it themselves, because it suits them.

Just bloomimg do it!!!!!

Just to expand a bit. I stayed at home with my little ones for 5+ years when they were small and loved every moment of it. I would do the same again in a heartbeat.

Add in your mental health issues, which are wiped out by being with the children and exacerbated by being at work, then it really is a no-brainer. It suits you and your OH - so do it.

I was born to be a SAHM. Strangely, I never wanted kids when I was younger but as soon as I was married that was all I wanted .These days people do judge, but it was much more acceptable when I was younger. Staying at home worked for us. We had very little money, but taking on the support role helped DH take time to build his career. We were partners and he always let me know how much he valued me.

My DD and my DiLs have all done what works for them . One a SAHM, one working part time and one full time. They are all happy in the role they have. Both my sons and my SiL take an active part in childcare, much more than my DH ever did.

You have to do what works for your family. Please don’t let others spoil what will be a very happy and fulfilling role for you.

YANBU. I wouldn't work ever if I didn't have to. Obviously some people get a lot of gratification out of their careers but they are in the minority. Work is just a way to get money by and large, if you don't need the money why would you waste your time doing something that you hate?

You sound very similar to me OP (in the health issues and burning out quickly at work, I couldn't be a SAHM but would prefer part time). I did well academically and have a good job now but spent years doing menial admin jobs, I have never, and will never, reached the potential I once had. Have you ever been to the doctors about chronic fatigue syndrome? I was diagnosed with it after a years of tests ruled out MS

www.actionforme.org.uk/what-is-me/symptoms/

Work isn't for everyone, and if you're financially capable - go for it! I hate the whole 'women fought for you to work blah blah..' women fought for our CHOICE to work. You're pregnant right now with a small toddler, enjoy these years. In a few years if you get bored, you can always fill that time as you've stated.

I've not worked in 20 years.im a stay at home mum...we have 4 kids with a huge age gap.they never went to pre school or a lot of time school either...I think people are starting to realise that one parent at home is good for the family.teenage years especially,so you can be around to support your kids .having a meal on the table at 5 pm gave my kids a reason to be home on time ,they liked me being home and providing company after school..their friends with no parent around were the ones getting in to trouble ..I'm not generalising,just saying how it was .i have a degree...and I chose to be home with my kids..

This is what you want, you have your DH support, you shouldn't care about any other opinion. It's obvious that this arrangement will give you happiness and satisfaction, so go for it

and this:
Enjoy your children and tell anyone else to keep their nose out!