Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

I need my children to move out but they will never move out

64 replies

vanillaiscool · 24/07/2018 08:21

I am putting up with

Doors left open, not just unlocked but open. Skid marks in the toilet. Urine on the floor. Won’t shower so smelly. Make cups of tea and coffee so full that they slop over the side of the cup and spill.

It all sounds so petty but it gets me down.

But they have special needs so cannot move out.

Recognising I have this for the rest of my life is miserable.

OP posts:

rainforesttreeswinging · 24/07/2018 08:25

Perhaps you need a holiday and for someone to take over for a few weeks? 💐

Bunbunbunny · 24/07/2018 08:26

How old are they and what support do you? Have you got support from social services?

Original poster

vanillaiscool · 24/07/2018 08:29

Absolutely no support whatsoever. It’s related to special needs but not special needs so severe that anyone would need to help. Rubbish, really

OP posts:

Seasawride · 24/07/2018 08:30

More info needed op.

How old are they
Do they work/pay rent
Do they share the chores
Do you have a partner

BMW6 · 24/07/2018 08:30

Sorry if this is a twattish question, but if they are able to go outside and come back leaving doors open (I assume you mean front door and are concerned re security), surely they are able to not do the other stuff?

Seasawride · 24/07/2018 08:31

Oh seen your update op. You might be better getting this moved to the SN board. There will b wise posters who will help

hendricksy · 24/07/2018 08:32

Oh that sounds awful , what sn do they have ? My son has sn and we are prepared for having him forever . At 7 though he does a great job of clearing up after himself as I'm training him now 😬...
Can you downsize and get them t residential care ? I mean if you had to kick them out surely the state would help them ? because sometimes life is shit !!

BMW6 · 24/07/2018 08:32

To add - because the other stuff could apply to any skanky teenager who does not have SN.

MachineBee · 24/07/2018 08:33

How many DCs and what age?

Could you at least arrange for them to go on an organised activity break?

Re the drinks spills, I would instigate a house rule that all drinks (other than water) are made and drunk in the kitchen. I would also be much firmer about showers and remove some privileges if they refuse. Make it in their own interests to wash.

Not sure what you can do about doors left open. My lot don’t have special needs, but do this and it drives me crazy.

Original poster

vanillaiscool · 24/07/2018 08:33

They wouldn’t be eligible for residential care. They can’t cope alone but mask beautifully. Early twenties.

OP posts:

Zeze247 · 24/07/2018 08:33

Can you get PIP payments? Or carers allowance?

Ennirem · 24/07/2018 08:34

How old are they? do they have jobs/the capacity to have jobs? Are you able to leave them in the house alone to go to work/go away for a weekend?

Frankly, if they are not so profoundly disabled that they warrant some sort of care package, and if you are able to leave them in the day/overnight without worrying for their safety, they are not so disabled they can't leave home. You are entitled to a life of your own in a home you want to be in.

SilverHairedCat · 24/07/2018 08:35

My cousin has SN and lives in assisted living accommodation. Her father visits as much as he can - he's elderly himself these days, and has limited mobility. She moved into assisted living facilities in her 30s.

I don't pretend to understand the intricacies of life with a child or children with SN, but you are not alone and there will be respite options if you want us to help with research? You sound exhausted, and I'm not surprised.

Toofle · 24/07/2018 08:36

Do you and they like each other?

Singlenotsingle · 24/07/2018 08:39

Not moving out? Tell me about it! My DS is 40 and still living at home. No SN though (although I wonder sometimes!) Cups, beer and, dirty plates... aaargh! (Sorry, not helpful)

80sMum · 24/07/2018 08:40

OP, I sympathise. My DH does all those things too; he also leaves drawers and cupboards open and sometimes forgets to complete some actions, so will walk out of the bathroom leaving behind a loo full of poo and mucky paper, or he'll wash his hands but walk off and leave the taps running. It's maddening!

I have had a modicum of success with using reminder notices, but they have to be moved around frequently or they stop being noticeable. Have you tried leaving messages around the house, such as a note on the inside of the loo door saying "don't forget to clean your skid marks!" or something like that?

Ennirem · 24/07/2018 08:41

Singlenotsingle chuck him out. Seriously. A 40 year old man still living with his mother? Norman Bates territory. He needs to sort himself out.

Original poster

vanillaiscool · 24/07/2018 08:42

It isn’t as black and white as ‘disabled enough for residential care/not disabled enough therefore can cope.’

It is far more nuanced than that.

Do we like each other - what a question. I love my children. But realistically it’s going to be a very difficult and ultimately unhappy life.

OP posts:

CherryPavlova · 24/07/2018 08:44

Even if they remain at home, they are capable of following a few simple rules. I think I’d do a few weeks of tough love and old fashioned but effective institutionalisation.
No shower = no food.
Table tennis ball with target down the loo.
Tea and coffee has to be on deep sided tray or put a sharpie mark around inside of their mug so they can see where to fill up to.

It must be so hard to have the constancy. I have early 20s children and they do similar (well not the non showering - they bath for hours) but coffee cups, not stripping beds, doors open etc. Mine don’t have SEN but are just indulged and have fortunately moved out most of the time.

Could you afford to pay someone to give you time away? A weekend? Could you send them away on a residential? Are they in work or college? What about sorting voluntary work for them?
Get yourself out of the house to a support group, hobby group, gym, book club or indeed anything apart from the children.

Ennirem · 24/07/2018 08:47

What would happen to them if they lived on their own / in a flat together? If we can get some idea of what the special needs are, and the risks around them not living with you, or their capacity or otherwise for changing their behaviour, it might be possible to see a way forward.

Shitonthebloodything · 24/07/2018 08:52

Do they like each other?! What an awful, pointless post!

OP I'm sure noone questions your love for your children. Can you be a bit more specific about their needs? I'm sure there's a wealth of knowledge here on SN

elliejjtiny · 24/07/2018 09:04

This will be my life in a few years. Dc currently 4 and 5. 4 year old is upset because he can't go to preschool and keeps pooing on the floor. School/preschool is my only respite. No advice but I feel your pain.

PumpkinPie2016 · 24/07/2018 09:08

Sounds like you are having a tough time OP and living with people with additional needs can be very trying

I know that are not eligible for residential care but what about assisted living? That way, they have their own place and are supported. Perhaps somewhere warden controlled with befriender/care assistant coming in a couple of times a day. Perhaps contact adult social services (sorry if you already have) and enquire as to what is available in your area.

You would still be able to visit/be involved in their lives but wouldn't have the pressure of full time care.

stargirl1701 · 24/07/2018 09:11

Have you spoken to anyone at adult social care in your LA? Did they have support at school that has ended? What does your local college offer for vulnerable adults?

Joinourclub · 24/07/2018 09:13

What is your housing situation? Could you long term convert your house into two flats?

Flip

1 2 3