I need my children to move out but they will never move out

[vanillaiscool]

I am putting up with

Doors left open, not just unlocked but open. Skid marks in the toilet. Urine on the floor. Won’t shower so smelly. Make cups of tea and coffee so full that they slop over the side of the cup and spill.

It all sounds so petty but it gets me down.

But they have special needs so cannot move out.

Recognising I have this for the rest of my life is miserable.

Must be very difficult
Can you speak to your council or there might be a charity that can help you all as well

This type of team:

http://www.pkc.gov.uk/media/33957/Supported-Living-Team-brochure/pdf/2015265SupportedLiving_Team

If they lived alone they’d end up living in barely habitable conditions and barely eating other than takeaways.

And then something awful would happen and everyone would say gosh, why didn’t the family do something.

Not to be flippant OP but what’s wrong with that? Plenty of adults with no special needs live like that, and no one judges their families. I know that’s not what you’d want for them but I don’t think it’s a reason in itself for them not to move out.
But overall, they need to be more independent in their current environment. Could you refer to occupational therapy and social care in your area?

Yeah plenty of young adults do live like that anyway op.

Do they have a job?

No, no job.

The difference is perhaps they would live like that for the rest of their life.

Could you encourage them to get jobs? Can you make lists of chores so at the very least they are helping you around the house? Take it in turns to wash up/cook tea etc. And strict rules about clearing up spillage so they have to stop what they are doing and clean it up straight away on a strict mantra. They are adults and mild LD or not they should respect your home.

Social care and assistance is just not available to help posters like OP, funding cuts to social care is going to mean more and more families like OP are going to be left to cope alone. We NEED to get rid of this cruel Tory government that looks upon the disabled as a blight on society.

What external help do you get Op? Sounds like you could do with some advice about possible options for your family.

Ok how old are they currently? Can you put some strategies in place to help them to remember things like closing the door and wiping up spills. Maybe step by step visuals next to the bathroom and kitchen? Also though, if you feel that they'll struggle to live independently and the thought of them staying with you indefinitely is a difficult one then start researching supportive communities now, like L'arche. If your dc find the right community they can get a happy balance between independence sand support. Good luck.

vanilla what 'something dreadful' do you mean? Not to be funny but lots of adults live in squalor with poor diets with or without special needs.

And you as the family could 'do something' - you could pop round once a week and make sure it wasn't too disgusting or pay for a cleaner, you could have them over for dinner a couple of times a week to make sure they got the occasional vegetable... there are degrees of support and unless they actually require 24/7 supervision you do not HAVE to keep them in your home. There are a lot of options between slinging them out on the street and acquiescing to a miserable life in a dirty hovel acting as their skivvy.

Get them on the housing list, or get them on jobseekers and save up the proceeds to get them a deposit for a private rental. You can still give them a lot of your time and care and supervision, butt have the option of returning to your own clean, secure home for rest and respite. You deserve that.

It's worth bearing in mind you will one day die - your sons will need to survive on their own then, so if they actually NEED support, then that needs to be in place - or if they can LEARN to look after themselves, there's no time like the present.

Could you get some of the fire safety mechanisms and attach them to your door? This was it would close automatically when they leave or enter the house.

Could you go back to work full time and use your pay and their father's pay to rent them a small flat and hire someone to live in - I don't know what their needs are or how severe but if it is just keeping an eye on them, clearning up their mess you might even get a £70 a week live in au pair able to do that.

So they’re not “disabled enough” for assisted living? My brother is in assisted living, he’s autistic, it doesn’t exclude him from being a lazy bastard sometimes! If your sons are capable enough to make their own cup of tea, they’re capable enough to wipe down the side afterwards. They may have learning disabilities, but they’re also lazy from the sounds of it.

Have you considered any private help? I have answered a few job ads on a care website for a friend /helper for an SN dc. You can ask for dbs certificate /refs etc and interview yourself. One young man just wanted someone to watch a dvd with, others help with days out etc. Would a cleaner give you some time for yourself?
I am a cleaner but have sat with elderly relatives + dc in my time also.
Does your local council have a befriender scheme? Ours does in their volunteering section - check online at yours maybe?

That sounds like a lot going on.

We have a DD with high functioning SNs. We've had lots of difficulties - but we found it was no use trying to work on more than 1 thing at a time. But doing 1 thing, slowly, and getting that changed, and then moving on to something else - has slowly worked.

Could you make a list of all the things that are "wrong" at the moment.
Look at that, and decide which is the one that is most upsetting to YOU.

Do your DSs sit to dinner with you at the table? Could you talk to them about that 1 thing, and how unhappy you are, and how much better it would be if we changed it, over dinner?

Then tell them a plan to change it
So if it was, say, cups are too full:
Ask them if they realise they are too full, and what would make it easier to not make a mess.
Perhaps buy a set of mugs which have a line inside or some kind of picture inside (eg. Born to Shop range has a picture inside relevant to the outside design) and teach them to only fill the cup to underneath that picture and not to cover any part of the picture.

Show them (possibly one at a time) exactly how to make a drink properly, how to fill it so that it's not too full, and how to clean up the spill if they do spill something.

And make a rule that all cups live in the kitchen so that there are no spills anywhere else.

Once they start trying, do your best to "catch" them doing it right, and praise them for getting it right and leaving the kitchen nice and tidy.

If you can think of something positive for doing their best to get it right (not necessarily a star chart - but if there are no spills for a week, would there be something small that could reward them, and keep that going for at least 3 weeks to build the new habit?).

And then move onto the next biggest issue for the next month.

I know that is not a quick fix, but it helps them to build up their life skills, and it will have a longer term impact to making a happier household. If it can work.

Because it is not worth YOUR happiness in the long term having to look after the 2 boys without support and dealing with this as your living situation.

I know you said that they are not SN enough to need support, but would they be SN enough that visual timetables and symbols may work better for them than just talking?

Social stories to help change behaviours (so allowing thought bubbles for what people think when they see the DSs wearing dirty clothes or smell them having not had a shower), and visual timetables for new routines (like making a hot drink, only filling it to the mark, wiping up any spill with a cloth and putting that back in the sink afterwards, before going to sit and drink the drink) - we have done some visual timetables and organizing lists which we laminated and then DD could tick off each step with a whiteboard marker, which would be wiped off for the next time.

[hugs]

You need some respite, fairly urgently, make it a priority now.

Do your children have a diagnosis? It will make it easier for you to get access to services for yourself as well as them.
If not, can you get a private care assistant for a few days?

It sounds like you're at the end of your rope.

They don’t accept their disability so applying for any related assistance is out. There are physical health problems as well as special needs which means working is very difficult.

I do work full time; I always have. Their father is dead.

They wouldn’t cope living alone. At all.

Op are there any supported housing schemes nearbye? There a few near me- shared flats/houses with full time carers or shared schemes with staff in a core house

They wouldn’t be eligible. The needs aren’t as severe as that in the eyes of the world. At home it is another matter. Besides, they’d never agree to that.

What support did you get when they were younger? Did they go to school or college? Were these specialist schools? If so they might still be able to put you in touch with someone who can help them now.

I see contacting adult social care has already been mentioned - have you tried that route OP? Do you support them financially too? Your situation sounds really hard, but you, and they, need help to sort out what will happen when you are not around to support them. Do call Social Care; your children need to be on their radar.

I agree with pp that if a person is capable of making tea (a relatively complex process) then they are capable of wiping the bench down, taking a shower and probably even not pissing on the floor.

It certainly sounds like you need some help in terms of working around these problems and working with your DC to help them to learn to help themselves. You have to instigate some changes for your own good and theirs.

OP I'd ask for this to be moved to the special needs board.

It's not as simple as picking a housing scheme / assisted living scheme and requesting it. There are families with very very severe special needs who still battle and go without the sorts of help / care they should be receiving.

You sound so down OP. Which is understandable given you are working full time, and carer to 2 young adults with special needs. Do YOU have any support? Have you ever had a carer's assessment done? Do you have any contact with other local parent carers eg support groups?

Without knowing your kid's levels of sen I don't want to make suggestions that won't be an option. You know what they are and aren't capable of though, and need to think which things they could be doing that they aren't. My son has complex sen, several conditions diagnosed and I'm currently fighting for a special school place for him. He's 13 and over the years he's been taught to put pots in sink, strip his bedding, bring laundry baskets down for me, put a wash on, etc. He is not high functioning but I try and get him to do the most/best he can. If I didn't bother he'd happily be lazy, smelly, etc.

I hope you find some support and help, definitely look into what's out there in terms of support for you too.