AIBU to just want someone to say he’ll get there in his own time

[LoopyLou1981]

DS will be 3 next month. At the beginning of the year the HV said that his speech is behind and to get him on the list for SALT. He’s now on the list (after a few pointless box ticking exercises) and we’ve just been told the waiting list is 10 months.
I’ve got my head around that and told myself that we’ll just have to keep encouraging him.
Now today his key worker at nursery has called us in for a meeting to say that his strength and gross motor skills are that of a 2 year old and we need to get him seen by the HV.
I know they’re trying to help. I know they’ve got his best interests at hard.
But I can’t deal with any more negative comments about him. Is it too much to ask that someone just sees a happy little boy who is kind to the other kids in his class and think he’s just going to get there in his own time.
I know I’m being stupid and emotional but it’s horrible being told on several occasions that your toddler is failing. Especially when I haven’t got a bloody clue how to fix any of the problems 🙁

Don’t worry too much... my DS didn’t really start talking till he was three (makaton signing helped), didn’t walk till he was 18 months old, wasn’t out of nappies till 3.5 (had to force that as he would never have been ‘ready’ and our GPs nurse was very opinionated), and needed senco work to help him with coordination (socks, shoes, general clothing, etc.)

He’s now a pretty normal-ish kid in secondary school.

Take the advice and support, but don’t let it taint anything.

So long as he is healthy and happy, I dont think you can expect more at this age. The all develop at different rates, and imho the schools expect too much anyway. It's all about targets isn't it? My dgs had the SALT and tbh it did help, he told me the other day he's a chatterbox (age 5). Just don't worry your lo will get there. I'm sure he's gorgeous.

Oh don’t start me on potty training! We tried over the weekend. I think we went through 4 sets of pants in 2 hours 🙄
Thank you for your positive story though 😊 x

The way I see it, better to be on a waitlist and cancel when they do catch up than not be on a waitlist at all.

We have on going SALT appointments they do help but he learns from those around him too. Don't be too hard on yourself!

You aren't being stupid or emotional. I was in the same position as you are with my son at that age. He does have difficulties and we've had to fight/pay for him to get the help he needed but he's now 16 and he is doing way better than we ever imagined he could based on the things said about him at 3.

He's gone through mainstream school and is waiting for the results of 10 GCSE's - predicted pretty decent grades (some of them 7's & 8's - he's good at science) and all being well will go into sixth form for A levels from September.

He's quirky, his language processing is difficult for him and he's a bit dyspraxic. But he's also bright, funny, engaging company and it turned out he's a really fast sprinter who has competed in county athletics many times. He has got there, he's just gone the long way round and his 'there' isn't quite the same as everyone else's. But he's a nice, polite young man with good friends and about to do a month of National Citizenship.

Your boy will surprise you too.

Don't lose hope

Just focus on the fact that he is an absolutely adorable little boy. And he will get to wherever he is going in his own good time.

All of my four have seen a SALT and it helped each of them in different ways- to them it's just chatting and playing so they love it. There really is nothing to worry about there.
One of mine was a very late developer, it happens sometimes. He probably will get there in his own time (mine did), but if he can get some extra attention just to make sure, it won't hurt and it isn't a criticism of either of you. I know it can feel like it though.
If you think there is a problem that needs specialist help (outside of his speech) then I would go straight to your GP and ask for a referral. That's mostly because I've never met a HV who was more useful that teats on a bull though. Perhaps your area is better.

Oh he isn't failing at all, he's just struggling a bit, but honestly there's a lot to be said about early intervention and it may well prevent from things getting trickier further down the line.

I bet they do see he's absolutely lovely and it's encouraging them to try and give him a boost, it may well be a temporary blip with him being so young, but he might need more help.

He isn't failing and these comments aren't negative - and I'm so sorry that they haven't also pointed out the many things he is great at (or that if they had, it was hard to hear these alongside the other messages).

When they have said these things, it is from caring and not to judge. Many parents on here have had the opposite experience - professionals who don't refer early or dismiss concerns only to find that there are some children who don't really get there, or that 'their own time' can mean be a lot later, or less complete than others.

My dd had speech therapy, it was really hard - and they did say that some children will grow out of some of these issues naturally. There was always some helpful person trying to be nice and saying their child was just the same and started talking in sentences all at once at 3 1/2. The problem is that there are also many who don't, and while waiting another 6-12 months for a later referral, a bright child can fall another 6-12 months behind his or her peers.
You sound like a loving mum, and it sounds like your HV and your son's nursery are on the ball and supportive.
If it's the wait that's killing you, make sure you ask if you can be on a cancellation list or similar - or if you have the funds, even a single appointment with an experienced paedeatrician might get you a sense of how much of an issue this might be. In the meantime do keep pushing, resources are stretched and your his best champion.
If you have no idea what to do, the HV maybe able to help, there are also some good motorskills ideas online, we quite like mamaot.com.
Good luck - and he will get there in his own time

I think we went through 4 sets of pants in 2 hours

That's entirely normal for starting potty training

I think it’s because it feels like a critique on both him and my parenting. I feel like they’re saying I should be doing something better or differently to ‘fix’ him.
Again...stupid and slightly hormonal! 🙄
It’s nice to hear all the success stories though and, yes, I’m happy that he’s on the list (even if he might be reciting Shakespeare by the time he gets to the top of list! 😂)x

How do you think he’s performing in comparison to his peers? I can’t comment on strength and gross motor skills but I can say that my eldest was very behind with his speech.

We did SALT and he also had a paediatric assessment for ASD after the SENCO constantly flagged up concerns ;the paediatrician assessed him as NT). He is now nearly 6 and hitting all his targets at school and doesn’t shut up! So I certainly think they can abd do get there in their own time but I also wouldn’t rule out a professional opinion.

He’s definitely behind a lot of kids in his class. He’s also small for his age which I don’t think is helping.
That said, apparently he’s got himself into a little group of friends so I guess he makes them understand him somehow.x

I think while you feel spotting a delay in your son as a negative or reflection on you , you will feel upset but try to be objective. Raising concerns means that your little boy can get whatever help he needs to set him up for school...waiting indefinitely may feel less confrontational but might actually disadvantage him from accessing tools which could help him to enjoy himself in both play, friendships and learning more quickly.

Please don't think of it as him failing or you doing anything wrong, it really really isn't. Some children just need a bit of additional help to get where they could be. It's far easier for them to 'catch up' the younger they are with the right intervention.

I will be honest and say the strength and gross skills concerns would worry me far more than the speaking. So I would focus on getting a professional opinion on that first incase that are inferring he might have a condition that would explain him being behind in certain areas.

Daft question perhaps, but have you had his eyes checked? Ds had an issue with his motor skills, and it turned out he had no depth of vision as he has a lazy eye and a vertical squint. We had to patch his eye for some little while until it improved.

Just to cheer you up, he got a First at uni last year and is doing his MA. He was slow to read, but has made up for that since. They all develop at their own pace.

“I feel like they’re saying I should be doing something better or differently to ‘fix’ him.”

They’re not you know, they’re saying he might need a bit of extra help to develop his full potential.

Ds2 was always a little bit behind his peers and failed to meet any of the standards at the end of reception. A referral to OT and diagnosis of a raft of conditions (he managed to inherit the duff bits from both me and his dad) soon followed. With some intervention he has not only caught up at age 7 but is flying- his bedtime reading tonight was an adult history reference book that he's picked so he can read up on the Romans- his yr3 topic for september. But there was no way he'd be where he is now without the interventions from experts.

It must be upsetting to hear about your gorgeous little boy. I'm sure they are advising this to try and help him progress to his full potential ..all be it bloody 10 months away. I'm sure you are a great mum and I think as everyone says children all develop in their own time. Although that is not much consolation when you are being spoken to about your baby boy.
I am getting upset as my DS is 11.5 months but is only small/petite 17lb (I'm only 4" 11 size 6/8 hubby 5" 7) DS was only 5lb 14 born. He is walking already and everyone comments on how "tiny" he is ooh he's only a dot and at the groups I go to with him some of the mums keep going on" he only looks about 7 months , is he ok"
I'm sure if your gorgeous boy is happy and healthy the rest will come in time with a loving supportive mum as you sound. Sorry I don't have any advice as such but sending a supportive hug.

I can’t say anything useful OP, I’m sorry, but may I say that you sound like an absolutely brilliant mum with an absolutely brilliant little boy

My daughter's nursery wanted to refer her for speech therapy as she wasn't really talking. Had quite a fight with them and refused to send her ( as she never stops chatting at home ). She still doesn't talk that much at nursery - ( she's 4 now )but they've realised thats just the way she is

I hear you. My son is the same age. He was premature and it gets me down that he's constantly negatively compared to others. He was 2 before he walked and although he's trying to talk he's not very clear still. He's so tiny he's barely on the growth charts. Potty training is not even on the cards. Last time the HV saw him she said his development was in the "danger" zone (i.e. very behind).

I keep having to tell myself he's an amazing little boy, full of fun and he'll catch up in his own time.

Stay on the waiting lists but try not to worry, I think they all get there in their own time. The SALT etc are just there to sign post, advise and pick up any problems so they can sorted with help.

I know it hard to hear that your son may have a few problems and needs help. This is not a reflection on you or that your a poor mother. Some children just need help to improve gross motor skills, to build up their strength and with their speach. I know a little boy and when he started school his teacher noticed his poor motor skills and his speach. He was referred to a speach therpist and an occupational therapist. They got him doing different exercise s and his parents spent a lot of time at home doing these with him. He is now doing well.

Early intervention can help make things easier for your child and help them reach their full potential. I would bring him to your GP and chat about what people have said about him. Tell the doctor you want him referred to a speach and an occupational therapist. I would even pay for these as the sooner he gets help the better it will be for him.
I know a little boy who's speach was poor due to a tongue tie. He had operation to fix this and then had speach therapy. Within a few weeks he was a different child. He was cross and frustrated before this as he was trying to talk but he could not be understood. After a few week he could talk better and be understood so things got better for him.

I would buy him a tea set as he will have to hold the little cup with this thumb and first figures and he will have pour out tea (water)out of the tea pot. I would also get one of the cuddly toys that have zips, buttons, laces ect that have to be opened, closed and tied ect. I know that Amazon have a lot of toys that are good for developing fine motor skills and cordanation.

When you get help from a speach therpist and occupational therapist do what they advise and you will see your son improve. It nothing that you did wrong. It just one of those things that happens to some children and not others. So don't keep beating yourself up but push to get your son the help he needs.

I can relate to EXACTLY where you are. The same thing happened to us. I was so angry with everyone, because my boy was happy, he was clever, he was/is perfect. He walked at 22 months. He barely spoke and there was lots of noises/jargon rather than words, potty trained at 3.5. Lots of people hinted at stuff but no one would say anything, if that makes sense.

And then someone did. That person was my sister (who is a teacher). And so I went through the diagnosis testing to shut everyone else up. I remember describing to DH how I wanted to run to the hills with DS and tell everyone else to FO.

Turns out DS is autistic. And that early therapies we engaged in were actually brilliant.

I am not saying that this will be your outcome. What I am saying is listen to them, take the help. It is absolutely no reflection on you, or your boy. They will see how delightful he is and just want to help him because his struggles will get harder and harder without the additional support. And actually, the support staff and therapies (esp occupational!) are FUN! DS has a BLAST!

Go with it, I know it's hard. I cried A LOT. He will be ok, he has a wonderful mum who is protecting him. Xx