AIBU to just want someone to say he’ll get there in his own time

[LoopyLou1981]

DS will be 3 next month. At the beginning of the year the HV said that his speech is behind and to get him on the list for SALT. He’s now on the list (after a few pointless box ticking exercises) and we’ve just been told the waiting list is 10 months.
I’ve got my head around that and told myself that we’ll just have to keep encouraging him.
Now today his key worker at nursery has called us in for a meeting to say that his strength and gross motor skills are that of a 2 year old and we need to get him seen by the HV.
I know they’re trying to help. I know they’ve got his best interests at hard.
But I can’t deal with any more negative comments about him. Is it too much to ask that someone just sees a happy little boy who is kind to the other kids in his class and think he’s just going to get there in his own time.
I know I’m being stupid and emotional but it’s horrible being told on several occasions that your toddler is failing. Especially when I haven’t got a bloody clue how to fix any of the problems 🙁

I think tackling things early is good. My step daughter has very poor speech which DP and her mum refused to do anything about. It’s wasnt til she was at school and was bullied/struggled with friendships because the other children couldn’t understand her that they got her into speech therapy. She has recently returned to speech therapy (aged 7.5) as her reading and spelling are quite behind as her speech still isn’t great.

Sorry OP but in the nicest way possible YABU not to 'want to hear negative things'. It is a positive thing that interventions are being put in place, many parents have to struggle and fight for that. The earlier you can get the ball rolling the better the outcome will be for your lovely ds.

Try to stay positive. Sometimes they really do just need to do things in their own time. My dh didn’t walk or say his first word until he was 2.5. He did need to see a speech therapist for a bit and is mildly dyslexic. But otherwise he caught up by school age and did perfectly fine. Did well at uni and started a successful business. You never would have known he had a bit of a slower start. His motor skills are far better than mine are.

Sorry but you need to get some help now. It is critical that any issues are picked up early. Yes, it’s difficult but you seem to be taking this personally rather than thinking of your dc best interest. Been there so can comment. You’ll only worry otherwise, maybe needlessly.

Maybe try and think of it this way - at the moment, he just needs a bit of extra support and he's on a waiting list to get that. By the time it's his turn he might not even need it! Much better that than waiting until there's an actual problem and then having to wait a year for any help.

I remember a paedetrician telling us when DS was 3 that he’d need a scribe in school and struggle to ride the bike we’d just bought him. I was angry and upset, and others were saying “he’s only 3, he’ll get there in his own time” . At the time he’d only just started to walk and was constantly falling, his fine motor skills were behind and behavioural very challenging.

I know exactly how you feel. I felt so angry and affronted. And sad that someone seemed to be telling me that my perfect DS was not perfect. It was tempting to tell her to do one.

But with the benefit of hindsight that paedetrician was a blessing because she kickstarted all the referrals and diagnoses that we needed to ensure support was in place when he started school. And even then it was still a fight to make sure he had all the help and understanding he needs, and it still is.

He’s nine now. Severely dyspraxic and hypotonic. He does need a scribe and can’t ride a bike (yet) . But is achieving and suceeding at his own pace and getting there in his own time, supported and understood due to his diagnosis. He has full time one to one at school.

Getting a diagnosis and having other agencies and professionals involved in your parenting is rubbish, really emotional, challenging and you’ll have a greiving process for the normally developing boy to go through. But you’ll also have the joy of winning your fight to see your DS adequately supported, understood and able to reach their potential.

Lots of love x

I’m sure it’s difficult to hear..it does sound like they are trying to help though. Given the waiting list for SALT, it’s good that they’ve referred him.

In the mean time - some things that can help - reading stories together daily, turn the radio off in the car and narrate what you see instead ‘Oh look, there’s a dog’ (that sort of thing). Repeat phrases back with correct grammar so if he said ‘I hungry’ you could say ‘You are hungry? Okay, let’s find you something to eat’.

It sounds like he’s a lovely boy, and it’s great that you love him for who he is. Don’t rush the potty training. When he’s ready, he’s ready. We had a challenging week of wet undies (despite DD saying that she needed a wee/poo) but then DD just clicked with it.

I think that If my DS wasn’t meeting targets I would welcome some help. I hear regularly of parents fighting to get support for their children, why would you turn it down?
Why leave your son struggling to keep up with his peers when you can do something about it. All well and good saying he’ll get there in his own time but that may take years and then he’ll be too far behind. Take the help, grab it with both hands, and embrace it.

Like others I have also gone through that stage of just wanting to be told that my dd was fine as she was.

The difference was that she didn't get the help she needed when she was little, and years down the line that caused her a good deal of actual physical suffering. In her case, her weakness and lack of gross motor skills were a sign of Ehlers Danlos syndrome. By the time she was 10 she was dependent on a wheelchair.

Yes, she got there in the end, but with the appropriate support she could have been spared so much physical and mental suffering.

If I had a magic time machine, I would go back to the time when she was 2 and just make a noise until she was seen by a specialist. She wouldn't have been any less perfect, but her life would have been easier.

DS is 8 and has (I think) various undiagnosed issues, possibly dyspraxia among them. It has taken time but I have learnt exactly what you said, he does get there, just about 12-18 months later. He is summer born so that doesn't help. Had it been an option I would have delayed his school start but back then he would have had to start in Y1, not reception had I done so so he is the youngest in his year and it does show but he is happy and kind and really doing well in himself. He's not the top academically but he tries and that's good enough for me. I agree the hard bit is feeling like you are expected to "fix" it and somehow bring him forward - we also had to force potty training at 3.5 and it took over a year to be reliable. He had the odd wee accident when he started school but he was barely 4 so hardly surprising. Leave him on the SALT list and just get one with doing what you doing, he sounds lovely. If you get comments, especially from pushy HV or other parents just smile and say you're really proud of how he does xyz and literally "he'll get there, no rush". I don't know why there is this obsession with how "advanced" kids should be and why people are so proud that their kids are ahead. They are who they are, at their own pace.

Easy to say “grab it by both hands, embrace it” but in reality that is a complicated and bittersweet process of greiving for the child you thought you had and discovering the child you have. Which some find easier than others.

Better to get help and advice early because school age specialist provision is wafer thin now, and because he is in an important stage of brain development. But also get on to useful online boards and groups and buy a helpful book to get you going (I am sure you are doing great, but there is always something you can up, in terms of parental interaction, reading, play). He’s doing fine - you’re doing fine - and his nursery are doing a great job identifying his needs and asking you to refer him, as early assessment and screening could help.

It may be hard to hear from them but have you looked into the areas that have been flagged and tried to make an objective call about it? They'll all be working from the 'EYFS Development Matters' document which you can easily download. Each area of learning is broken down into age bands so if he's been assessed as below in some of those areas, it will have been flagged on the nursery's tracking system and therefore they need to address it - by putting things in place in the nursery and also recommending you get advice from the HV.

As much as you see your gorgeous little boy, they have to flag these things up because of past tragic cases where professionals didn't pass things on (albeit most of these were safeguarding concerns but development did come into it). They're doing it because they have to, but also because they want the best for your DS. It's probably impossible but try not to take it personally and ask them for advice, talk to them openly about it, cry with them if you need to. They're not saying anything is a big long term issue but it's really hard to see when you're so focussed on your one.

Give him big hugs and try to keep your chin up

Hoo of course it's easier said than done and often when a child gets a diagnosis of SN (which the OP hasn't got) there is a grieving process; that is very normal and expected.
It is however important (and I believe important for the child's development/progress/welfare) for the parent to be on board and willing to hear what the experts are saying. I have attended support/therapy groups where parents held back their child's diagnosis because they couldn't bear to hear their 'perfect child being labelled'. This often held the child back as they weren't able to access services/interventions as readily as if a diagnosis was made.
I have 2 dc with SN's and they are perfect to me, no label or diagnosis will change that 😀

OP - I really feel for you and can relate perfectly.

DS1 at 2 and a half had no speech at all.Didn't point.Didn't imitate,had bad coordination, nowhere near potty trained and behaviourally a wee sod.We aren't in the UK, so there were no HVs and everyone ignored my worries. I took him to everyone and anyone I could find for some guidance and got told 'less tv and talk to him more'.

Like I wasn't already talking my tits off.

As he turned 3.5, he bloomed.Toilet trained in a week, started pointing, loving books and developed a passion for maths and reading. He was diagnosed with HFA last year. They finally listened.

He is 6 now, has been at a mainstream nursery for 3 years and will go to a mainstream private primary in Sept. He is calm, very fluent in language, has a million opinions and is just a very easy child to parent.He has speech, occupational amd behavioural therapy and has no idea he is learning because he has so much fun! This is the happiest I have ever seen him in his life and I credit his nursery and therapists for that. He is honest to the point of rudeness and still obsessive at times but he is really getting there.

But 2-4 was a very sad, distressing time.I cried a lot.So YANBU to be upset.

I'm a single parent now and currently watching DS2, who has just turned 2, tip toe,flap and smack his way around the house.Guess what?No speech, no pointing either No one is listening either yet, but I am resigned to it.We'll be ok, but I will be seeking support for him come Sept.

I am not remotely saying this will be the case with your son, but if there is help, take it!It has literally changed my son's life and we are all so much happier for it

*didn't point or imitate

So many typos,sorry

Hooo, while the parent need to do their grieving, as lastnight said, it is often a case of needing to get things in motion as soon as possible to give a child the best possible chances. Another thing that needs to happen quickly is for the parent to come to an understanding that there is no such thing as a perfect or a not-perfect child. Because children pick up on those attitudes.

And for the record, I wish we could have fewer (=no) posters going "aw, he sounds lovely, I'm sure there is nothing wrong" as if being lovely were somehow the antithesis to SN. My dd has SN. And is lovely. She was lovely all along and getting a diagnosis did nothing to impair her loveliness. In fact, it didn't change her at all.

Its good that he is being recognised early as needing help. It isn't a critique of you at all. Of course he will get there in his own time but if a bit of help will benefit him then why not? A broken leg heals in its own good time but you wouldnt refuse a cast.

My DS was slow at everything. He didn’t speak at all until shortly after his third birthday then he suddenly exploded with 200000 words, literally. He struggled with holding a pen and scissors until the end of year 1 as well. Potty trained at 3, 4.5 at night time. He was the slowest out of my three DC at everything but he’s absolutely fine.

Try not to worry too much. If he needs speech therapy it’s really not the end of the world but it is true, he may get there in his own time.

My ds, now 7, was a bit of a late bloomer. Slow to speak and even then, his speech was unclear. A bit clumsy and unadventurous (which doesn't help advance development if they're not wanting to push boundaries in their motor development). We did take all the help that was offered, hearing test, SALT (who wasn't too concerned as probably not the worst she'd seen). Oh and wasn't potty trained until well over 3. I can say he now a very clear talker and excelling academically, he's not the greatest sportsman but he likes having a go and getting involved. What helped him was spending lots of time at a very supportive preschool, he did three full days, they didn't push him but did support SALT activities and later than usual potty training. He benefited from the early socialisation. And school, his reception, y1+2 teachers have been fantastic and given him lots of confidence. Sounds strange but I believe introducing children early to music lessons (cost permitting) helps with so many academic, language and motor skills. Stay positive, some people you come across in the system are just very passionate that children get the help that is out there, but it can come across as pushy.

Please don’t take their comments as a critique of you or your son - they won’t have been meant that way at all. The earliest of interventions are often the most beneficial.

In school settings, I’ve seen time and time again, observations raised with parents very early on, often in reception, when parents are not ready or unprepared to accept that their child might need additional support in some areas. Then years later they are begging the school for help or demanding why a school never told then there was a problem despite concerns having been raised for years.

All the professionals will want to do is help your child in the best way possible. It isn’t a personal attack or a critism - please be assured of this! Considering how hard it can be to access the appropriate support i’d accept it.

My own husband had speech therapy as child and it’s not been a long term marker on his success in a life at all! He certainly earns far more money than I do !

One of mine didn’t start talking properly until he was 4, he’s top of the class for everything now. His Dad was the same and is a graduate.

YANBU to feel that way, it sounds difficult to hear those things. Try to look at the bright side that everyone is on the same side supporting your son, no matter how much or how little extra help he may need. You aren't being stupid, you are being emotional but anyone would be!

Can you pay for a private assessment/sessions from
Salt to see what they think? There’s resources on the teaching website twinkl
Depending on the issue. It’s a constant thing with my son to correct his pronunciation then that affects his stammer. It’s hard as we don’t want outlet kids to struggle but there’s lots of people out there to help him fulfill his potential

I think it’s because it feels like a critique on both him and my parenting. I feel like they’re saying I should be doing something better or differently to ‘fix’ him.

Ah, now this is something interesting. I blamed myself so much when my eldest was a late talker, wondered if I hadn’t talked to him enough or if I let him watch too much CBeebies.

Now I have non-identical twins too. Both brought up exactly the same environment, one chats away nine to the dozen and the other is like his big brother and will be late. But because I know his twin brother chats it’s not anything I’ve done.

Apparently genetics can be a big factor in delayed speaking, they think that’s the case with my kids because his Dad talked late too. Environmental factors may have little to do with it.