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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - expecting first child and DH has bought a season ticket

92 replies

Herbivore234 · 23/07/2018 13:47

Hi all,

I am expecting my first child in December and DH has just acquired a season ticket to watch his football team. This year there are 16 matches planned that he can go to, some of which are before the baby will be born and 7 of which are between Jan-May when our baby will be very young - the first is Jan 19th, and in March-April there are three that occur every other week.

Am I being unreasonable to ask him to give some of these tickets away, so that it isn't such a strain on me?

I think he is blissfully unaware of how difficult the first few months may be (as am I, I'm sure), and he is also out of the house 10/11 hours a day Monday-Friday. I have explained that on these weekends it would leave me as the sole childcare provider for 6 out of 7 days, which would be unfair.

I also feel a bit resentful that he has laid out a series of Saturdays where he will be busy, which feels unfair considering I won't have the luxury to make this kind of choice too.

Has anyone else encountered this sort of situation? And how did/do you get around it?!

Thanks in advance x

OP posts:

Poloshot · 23/07/2018 15:08

Yabu imo. You can't both be there 24/7. If he goes for a drink before and after then possibly he should cut that down but the match itself and travel there and back time wise, assuming it's relatively close isn't unreasonable

Figgygal · 23/07/2018 15:11

Sorry I agree with the majority my husband has a season ticket and had one when Ds2 was born surely a degree of common sense comes in here depending on what is happening on the day how you are and the baby is etc.

lastqueenofscotland · 23/07/2018 15:11

YABU it’s once a fortnight...
however it is only fair that you get the me time as well so talk to him about expectations in that regard

Ginger1982 · 23/07/2018 15:14

I agree with what some posters have said, ie you can't stop him having a life but it definitely depends. If he is out all week at work then out all day Saturday and hungover Sunday then I don't think that's fair. If he goes to the match, has a couple of drinks and then comes home, that's different. If you're in the house alone all day, you don't really want to spend the whole weekend alone too.

I don't think YWBU to ask him to give away some tickets but wait until baby comes.

OhHolyJesus · 23/07/2018 15:17

YADNBU

It's inconsiderate at best, selfish at worst.

PPs saying here, as long as you get the same time back - well if you're breastfeeding and/or knackered you're not going to be able to even if you did feel like taking yourself off shopping. Weekends is family time not for football and it's lonely for a SAHM with a newborn and so of course OP is going to want some adult company esp. if her DH is out of her house m-f for the 10 hours a day.

Maybe he's being ambitious but I don't think you are being unreasonable at all!

Tinkety · 23/07/2018 15:20

he is also out of the house 10/11 hours a day Monday-Friday. I have explained that on these weekends it would leave me as the sole childcare provider for 6 out of 7 days, which would be unfair.

It’s not unfair as presumably you’ve decide as a couple that you will be a SAHM so childcare is your working day. As as long as he does 50% childcare outside of his working hours it’s fair, so:

He works out of the house 10/11hrs Monday - Friday
You work in the house 10/11hrs Monday - Friday
The remaining 13/14hrs a day (including night wakings) should be split 50/50
On weekends, you should both get an equal amount of down time so effectively you will both be “working” 6 days a week

I also feel a bit resentful that he has laid out a series of Saturdays where he will be busy, which feels unfair considering I won't have the luxury to make this kind of choice too.

There are 38 weekend days between Jan 19th - May 31st, he has made plans for 7 of them leaving you with 31 free weekend days to choose from for your own plans.

There just needs to be an understanding that shit happens & plans may need to be cancelled based on family needs.

AssassinatedBeauty · 23/07/2018 15:24

Most people seem completely unbothered by the fact that he has decided this unilaterally, without consulting his partner. I find that odd.

heatwaveisnofunwhenpregnant · 23/07/2018 15:28

I don't think YABU but that's because my DH would use it as an excuse to get smashed and it would ruin any prospect of enjoying a weekend together.
When DD was tiny, I used to really look forward to the weekends and spending time together.
He is quite into rugby but doesn't go and see many matches, however this can still dominate a weekend if I let it.
His interest takes him away for complete weekends (and more) but it is very expensive so only happens once or twice a year.
He's expecting to go in October, a month after I'm due. At the moment I'm in agreement but if for whatever reason I don't feel it's fair nearer the time I will be bringing it up and asking him to delay.
I think as long as you are being reasonable about it and not saying "no you can't go" but "please can you not go every weekend" then he shouldn't have an issue.
Personally I'd lay my seed of discontent now but not make too much of a big deal about it. Wait until baby is here and see how you feel then. He might also feel differently.
Good luck!

haribosmarties · 23/07/2018 15:32

YANBU he shoudl have talked it over with you first and come up with a way to make it work. Id be okay with it if I were sure he was going to be around when needed and if I was sure he knew that things might be harder than expected.
You dont know in advance how difficult the birth is going to be, how long it will take to recover or if your child will have any probs or how severe....
Id want some reassurance that he would be there for you even if its a day when theres a match on. And yeah id personally be a bit pissed off that hed bought the ticket for the first time at this particular time and not even consulted me about it. If I had been consulted I would suggest he wait until the baby is actually here to gauge how much he would need to be around in the following months.
Hopefully you will be blessed with an easy straightforward birth and an easy straightforward baby to care for.... but you just dont know! My first birth was horrendous and I could barely stand for a couple of months... I dont know what idve done without my husband being there as much as possible outside of work.
Second baby I have needed him much less.
So I do think its pretty stupid to plan time ahead to go to footbal matches in the first couple of months when you have no conception of how its going to be.

DailyMailFail101 · 23/07/2018 15:32

The football season starts in August there’s plenty of chance for him to use it before baby arrives and if he goes to just Home games It’s only a couple of hours once a week, I’m sure you could have a couple of hours to your self every week too. Sorry but I do think YABU

Booklover18 · 23/07/2018 15:34

YABU don’t stop him going to his football, but do arrange some dates for yourself out and away from home and baby - that will be more beneficial to you, you’ll need a break

Nanny0gg · 23/07/2018 15:37

Most people seem completely unbothered by the fact that he has decided this unilaterally, without consulting his partner. I find that odd.

Quite.

Lolipop44 · 23/07/2018 15:40

YABU sorry. It's 90 minutes he'll be gone for a few hours. I didn't expect or want my DH to give up his season ticket he works hard all week and also needs some down time just make sure you get some too. You might even enjoy a few hour peace for you & baby x

skippy67 · 23/07/2018 15:41

YABU. Just because you have a baby, doesn't mean you have both have to be chained to the house!

Tinkety · 23/07/2018 15:45

Most people seem completely unbothered by the fact that he has decided this unilaterally, without consulting his partner. I find that odd.

The OP herself doesn’t seem bothered by this aspect of it so that’s why people probably aren’t picking up on it, her question is about asking him to give away 1 or 2 tickets.

We don’t know what kind of relationship the OP has & maybe they both make decisions like this without consulting each other & that’s perfectly fine if it works for them

MindatWork · 23/07/2018 15:48

A lot of this depends on how far away the ground is and whether he literally just goes for the match and comes home or whether he 'makes a day of it' and goes for drinks / meal pre or post match.

My DH had a premier league season ticket for a London team when we lived in London, and it took over our lives, esp with all the extra Champion's League / cup matches that popped up. It did my head in and that was pre-DC. Our entire social calendar was arranged around it. It got even worse when we moved out of London as it literally became a whole day out of almost every weekend, late nights for mid-week games (in addition to the post-match moodiness a previous poster mentioned).

DH always said that he'd give up the season ticket when we had DC as it wouldn't be fair - he actually gave it up before that in the end as the travel got too much.

If your DH's team is 10 mins down the road it's another matter, but I still think he's UR for doing it without talking to you first.

bengalcat · 23/07/2018 15:50

I don't check with my partner before saying yes to me doing things on my own or with friends - I don't expect him too either - I do check if we're both invited to something - somehow it all seems to even out and we don't squabble ( even if sometimes it quite possibly puts one of us out ) - relationships are all about give and take but it's what works for the individuals involved

NotBuiltForThisWorld · 23/07/2018 15:55

I agree, make sure you get an equal amount of time to yourself.

Tot up how much time out of the house each match will equate to - and he has sole responsibility for your baby for those times - maybe on the other weekend day.

Yes I know if breastfeeding, this won't be black and white, but he can cuddle, watch and entertain and bring in for feeds and then out, give the house the once over, put some washing through whilst you sleep sleep sleep. It's a good habit to get into - increases his confidence with the baby and in time you won't resent the matches if you know you're getting a full day off.

My XH and I didn't get on but we did tag team parenting for years and it really was a sanity saver. We're separated now but he's a confident dad who enjoys and understands his kids and what they need - because he's had that time with them without me hovering around.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/07/2018 15:55

YANBU
I don’t know on which planet this is just going to be 90 minutes or a couple of hours as pps has stated. He needs time to get there, watch the match, including half time, extra time, maybe penalties then get home. Perhaps going for a pint or ten (depending on his personality) before/after.

This is not the time to get a season ticket. You have no idea if you or the baby will be well after, whether the baby will sleep etc etc.

Unilaterally getting the season ticket without consulting you is insulting. Perhaps he feels as though he gets no free time. But this is to be worked out as a couple. Or perhaps - if possible - he needs to get his work / life balance better instead of placing the full impact on you.

JacquesHammer · 23/07/2018 15:59

He needs time to get there, watch the match, including half time, extra time, maybe penalties

League matches don’t include extra time and penalties

AssassinatedBeauty · 23/07/2018 16:09

Me and my partner do check with each other before confirming, it just seems sensible to check that the other person doesn't also have plans and it also doesn't make the assumption that the other person is happy to have the children on their own. The OPs partner has just assumed that she will be fine with being the default parent. He hasn't thought about who will look after the child, he's just assumed that his partner will be there to do it for him.

It is also optimistic around the birth and the early days with a new baby, and again all done on his assumption without consideration or consultation.

MsChanandlerBoing · 23/07/2018 16:15

I’m not sure if this has been asked but how local is his team? I ask because someone living in London getting a season ticket for Chelsea is very different to them getting a season ticket for Manchester United - in the latter case it would be an entire day written off, sometimes even an entire weekend if it’s a later game.

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable - I think maybe have a look at the fixtures together and decide which games he definitely wants to see and which ones he may be willing to miss if you need some support at home.

ivykaty44 · 23/07/2018 17:54

Wuite unbothered by the fact he’s brought a season ticket without communicating about this first

Thus my comment that he can take baby with him to footie - prank and all

He needs to stop and think before he makes choices that affect his family

SunShades · 23/07/2018 18:41

I think you really need to get a grip if I'm quite honest. You simply can't have a situation where neither of you get any free time at all.

Of course that means he needs to step up every so often as well to make sure you get your own free time.

throwawayagain · 23/07/2018 18:55

I had an ex who was obsessed with football. It was to the detriment of our relationship.
Since then, I have filtered out any man so invested in football. Literally - to the point that DP and I went out playing 'Pokemon Go' during the England World Cup matches! That is our mutual hobby, and it's brilliant (our eldest DC is 23 - youngest is 6).
He's not vaguely interested in football , and nor am I.
We never have to argue about it.

If he is so invested in sport, I guess you knew early on. Make sure he understands your feelings and expectations, and hopefully you can reach a compromise!

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