Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - expecting first child and DH has bought a season ticket

92 replies

Herbivore234 · 23/07/2018 13:47

Hi all,

I am expecting my first child in December and DH has just acquired a season ticket to watch his football team. This year there are 16 matches planned that he can go to, some of which are before the baby will be born and 7 of which are between Jan-May when our baby will be very young - the first is Jan 19th, and in March-April there are three that occur every other week.

Am I being unreasonable to ask him to give some of these tickets away, so that it isn't such a strain on me?

I think he is blissfully unaware of how difficult the first few months may be (as am I, I'm sure), and he is also out of the house 10/11 hours a day Monday-Friday. I have explained that on these weekends it would leave me as the sole childcare provider for 6 out of 7 days, which would be unfair.

I also feel a bit resentful that he has laid out a series of Saturdays where he will be busy, which feels unfair considering I won't have the luxury to make this kind of choice too.

Has anyone else encountered this sort of situation? And how did/do you get around it?!

Thanks in advance x

OP posts:
LilacIris · 23/07/2018 14:04

I also think YABU - my DH worked away from home until DD1 was four months old so I only saw him two days per week. I think the newborn days are the easiest - babies do a lot of sleeping and feeding with little else.

TheMotherofBears · 23/07/2018 14:07

I didn't read the other responses but my sports mad DH has a season ticket and plays sport for fun. After DC's birth we agreed one outing a week and only if things were going well. Ie he would stay home if me or DC were unwell. I also get one night out a week. He sell extra tickets from the season ticket on StubHub so doesn't lose out financially (this is allowed by the club).

Snowysky20009 · 23/07/2018 14:08

You are being unreasonable. Having a baby and lookng after one isn't a two man job especially in the early months. They eat and sleep 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don the know why you think he must be there with you.

Original poster
Herbivore234 · 23/07/2018 14:10

Thanks for the quick responses - wow - who knew that so many people would be passionate about this subject!

Thanks very much for your honest opinions, they are very much appreciated and are reassuring, but just to clarify I am not asking DH to stop spending time on himself - he actually works for himself with two of his best friends and has a wonderful social life in and outside of work - my original question was actually am I being unreasonable to ask him to give 1 or 2 tickets away around busy periods. As it's our first child, I am naturally unsure of how things will turn out and how much "me time" I will be able to have.

But anyway, thanks very much for your useful and varied responses!

xx

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 23/07/2018 14:10

Unexpected stuff happens often, and they don't always sleep!

The issue here is with the unilateral decision making and the lack of concern for @Herbivore234's free time as well.

Bombardier25966 · 23/07/2018 14:11

What does he say about the matches that are around the birth?

I remember at matches pre mobile phones and the announcer would regularly put out messages that expectant fathers were needed! Even less hassle now, unless it's a very quick labour there's plenty of time for dad to get home if he's needed.

JacquesHammer · 23/07/2018 14:13

Few weeks ago during a professional rugby match one of the players got “the call”.

Straight off, down the tunnel and to the hospital in his kit Grin

ivykaty44 · 23/07/2018 14:14

Babies go free to the football - don’t they

Great way for him to bond

Whilst you get peace and quiet to do as you wish

Win win

youknowwherethecityis · 23/07/2018 14:14

Is there any way that on the weeks he goes to a match, he takes a days annual leave earlier in the week so you get the same amount of family time still?

AssassinatedBeauty · 23/07/2018 14:16

I meant that there might be unexpected events, like a stay in hospital or a longer/more complex recovery for the OP than the norm. I wondered if there had been any recognition from the DH that the matches in the early days might need to be missed.

heartsease68 · 23/07/2018 14:16

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Men assuming they can continue their hobbies regardless is very irritating. Outside working hours, care and responsibilities should be split down the middle with no assumptions. You should point out to him that you wouldn't have done this (with a hobby of your interest) without having the respect to speak to him first so neither should he. If he doesn't see a problem why don't you suggest a spa afternoon (or whatever you're into) for every match he goes to. He's setting a nasty precedent.

rwalker · 23/07/2018 14:17

If you nail him to the floor then how can you then have free time and go out . Your own space and free time is really important make sure you BOTH get it . I loved it when dw use to go and do her own thing and me and kids had day out on our own .Just make sure you plan yourself something to do and this isn't isn't about a tit for tat . Many dh and dw stop there other halves doing things and it just builds resentment and doesn't end well .

heartsease68 · 23/07/2018 14:18

I'm not sure standing around in the cold and the rain for hours with no heed of naptimes/unpredictable yelling is the ideal way for him to be looking after a baby - not sure baby going to the football is such a great idea. It seems like lazy parenting - fine if you'd do it, not fine if it's allowed because he's a man.

Greenyogagirl · 23/07/2018 14:21

Yabu life doesn’t (shouldn’t) stop when you have a baby.
Just make sure he knows he needs to pull his weight and you’ll be having your time too

KittyHawke80 · 23/07/2018 14:22

If it’s not the expense you’re objecting to, I think you’re being a bit U.

Sesimbra · 23/07/2018 14:25

Sorry but YABU.

Is there something you can arrange to do during away matches? Pre book lunch out with friends etc?

Bluebelltulip · 23/07/2018 14:32

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to be flexible especially in the early days, you have no idea how things will go at this point.

A key thing for me is his attitude, if he's prepared to cancel and is happy for you to have your own time then I don't see an issue. If he's not prepared to be flexible and isn't happy for you to have your own time then I would be very annoyed.

From about 3 months old my DD has been to some matches with DH she slept through most in the sling.

scatterolight · 23/07/2018 14:53

You haven't got much sympathy here OP, but I feel for you. I have a DP who has a season ticket. In reality this means...

  • Match weekends are write-offs in terms of going away somewhere overnight
  • Match days are write-offs for doing anything as a couple. He always wants to "make a day of it" and will leave the house at 10am and return at 7pm having incorporated lunch and/or dinner into the day.
  • Match days see him emotionally tied up in football. He is utterly consumed by it and distracted. Post-match, if they lose, he is miserable and difficult.
  • On away match days he is distracted, and the same low mood ensues if they lose.
  • On top of the season ticket there are the optional cup games he is eligible for, so you have to endure additional Tues/Weds nights. These are less bothersome.

Suggesting he have a weekend off so we can go and do something is an absolute no-no. His hackles are raised and he gets defensive. The net result is I emotionally switch off on football weekends, ask nothing of him, and have no expectations of family time. Needless to say this is not conducive to a harmonious relationship.

People who say "oh just make sure you are doing your own hobby" don't quite understand the sheer amount of time and emotional energy that being a football supporter seems to involve.

When we were first together I thought it was nice he had a hobby he was passionate about. Not so much now.

To answer your question - no YANBU to feel the way you do nor to ask, in advance for some clarity on a few matches he would willingly forgo.

BottleOfJameson · 23/07/2018 14:58

I think he should be prepared to give the tickets away if you're struggling when the baby's here. Depending on breastfeeding/pumping plans and what the baby's like when it turns up he should also be prepared to give you time to spend with your friends. Personally I think being away for a day one weekend in 3 when you have a new baby is too much but for other couples it might be OK - you need to work this out between you.

What I don't think is acceptable is that you're the default primary carer every weekend. He can make arrangements to go out without checking and you can't. This is all stuff that you need to talk about preferably before having the baby. How often do you each get off to have fun with friends? etc

Redgreencoverplant · 23/07/2018 14:59

I am going against the grain and saying YANBU. However I found the baby stage so hard, zero family support, PND, colic and reflux meant that I desperately needed DH in the evenings and weekends. It is only now that DS is a toddler that something like that would be ok. Him going off every other weekend for a day out would have led to divorce. However if you don't have PND and have family support it would probably be fine :)

Metoodear · 23/07/2018 14:59

Life doesn’t stop because baby it now upon you

MissEliza · 23/07/2018 15:01

Metoodear I was about to write the same comment!

AssassinatedBeauty · 23/07/2018 15:06

Certainly the husband's social life isn't stopping.

Nakedavenger74 · 23/07/2018 15:07

Damn. I was playing 'spa day' bingo. Finally appears within 30 responses not the 20 I had bet on.

Arrowfanatic · 23/07/2018 15:07

Yabu. He may decide himself to give up some of the tickets anyway when the baby first arrives, who knows.

But you can't be mad at him for planning a life outside of being a dad the same way it's ok to plan a life outside of being a mum. Of course breastfeeding makes it harder but even that isn't forever.