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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I just mind my own damn business?

71 replies

purplelass · 23/07/2018 09:53

ExH hasn't got the best relationship with DD(14) - he's only seen her every other weekend for the last 3 years and her patience with him is very low.

He told her a while back that he'd be taking her on a foreign holiday this year so she contacted him yesterday to find out what's happening as it's only a couple of weeks away. It turns out his cat isn't well (they've known this for months) so he and his girlfriend have decided to stay in the UK so they can get back if needed. He did offer that just he and DD could go abroad but she really doesn't fancy a whole week with just him...

I've got a cat and get that they're part of the family, but DD is very much feeling less important than the cat now and quite understandably feels a bit put out, so my question is do I get involved and try to find something she's more likely to enjoy for her to suggest to him or do I leave them to it and just make sure she has stuff to look forward to afterwards if it's rubbish?

OP posts:
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Phosphorus · 23/07/2018 09:58

I'd leave it, as he did offer to take her on his own, but she refused.

deenagh · 23/07/2018 10:01

If you're on good enough terms, and it won't cause an argument,I'd have a quiet word with exH to say how disappointed DD is, and how she's feeling about him. But I don't think it's entirely up to you to sort it for him, he needs to figure out how to make it up to DD himself.

MoonsAndJunes · 23/07/2018 10:05

Has the cat been unwell for most of this year preventing him from booking anything? Did they have to cancel due to the cat's illness? No? He didn't book anything so he's obviously full of hot air.
Leave him to it but tell your DD to not get her hopes up in future.

ShatnersWig · 23/07/2018 10:06

Sorry, but let me get this right.

ExH said to his DD he'd be taking her on a foreign holiday this year.
ExH has said he still wants to take her on a foreign holiday, just without his girlfriend.
DD now feels very much less important than the cat even though ExH is still saying he wants to take her on a foreign holiday.

Sorry, not getting it. He's lived up to his side of the deal, not his fault. If DD doesn't want to spend a whole week abroad with her dad, that's her business and not yours.

Original poster
purplelass · 23/07/2018 10:20

ExH has said he still wants to take her on a foreign holiday

He didn't say he wanted to take her, just that they could go without the girlfriend as a last resort if DD insisted. DD gets on with the girlfriend way better than her dad so it really would be a holiday from hell for both of them.

OP posts:
Original poster
purplelass · 23/07/2018 10:23

Thanks for your replies...

I actually felt a wave of relief when I read people saying I should leave them to it. I'm a bit of a control freak so permission from strangers to let go was just what I needed, bizarrely!

Repeats to self - Not my circus, not my monkeys

OP posts:
WhatInTheWorldIsGoingOn · 23/07/2018 10:24

But he’s not putting the cat first? He’s offered to take her abroad still.

Original poster
purplelass · 23/07/2018 10:28

But he’s not putting the cat first? He’s offered to take her abroad still.

Knowing full well she wouldn't accept. They can't get on for 24 hours alone together, let alone a week.

OP posts:
numbmum83 · 23/07/2018 10:28

Maybe suggest the girlfriend takes her away instead and her Dad stays at home ? They could have a girlie mini break to a city , shopping etc .

bluebeck · 23/07/2018 10:33

YABU.

I can't see what the dad has done wrong here. His GF doesn't want to leave her cat, the Dad is still offering to take DD.

She (DD) isn't coming out of this terribly well to be honest.

ShatnersWig · 23/07/2018 10:36

So, she DID want to go away if the girlfriend was going to be there? I actually can't imagine many 14 year old girls wanting to spend a whole week with their dad that they don't get along with and his girlfriend because it's not like she's probably going to be off doing her own thing but stuck with them most of the time.

He offered, she declined. You say she wouldn't have accepted. In which case it's all her fault if she feels less important than the cat. There was a chance for them to try and build a better relationship, she turned it down. Sorry I'm still not getting it.

Phosphorus · 23/07/2018 10:36

numbmum83 it really wouldn't be OK for the OP to suggest that someone else devotes a week of their own time/annual leave to talking a child who isn't theirs on holiday. Hmm

Original poster
purplelass · 23/07/2018 10:43

Maybe suggest the girlfriend takes her away instead and her Dad stays at home ? They could have a girlie mini break to a city , shopping etc

OMG she'd love that! But ExH wouldn't, he wants to see DD and has never been able to put her needs first unfortunately.

OP posts:
ch0c0milkrox · 23/07/2018 10:43

not surprised he prefers the cat
he's offered to take her!

Original poster
purplelass · 23/07/2018 10:46

ShatnersWig

It's complicated and I'm not expecting anyone to understand it really, I just wanted someone to say it's not up to me to resolve it.

Which they did Smile

OP posts:
Pippa12 · 23/07/2018 10:48

If they have such a volatile relationship is a week in a foreign country a good idea anyway, gf or no gf?

mydietstartsmonday · 23/07/2018 10:52

Rather than a week can't they go for a weekend to somewhere like Barcelona or Eurostar to Paris, a fancy lunch, shopping etc..

It is not up to you to solve, but it wouldn't hurt to say if it was our cat what would she prefer and NO the cat is not more important than her.

Thanks
Lorraine

ShatnersWig · 23/07/2018 10:55

Can I offer to take the cat on a holiday?

Original poster
purplelass · 23/07/2018 10:55

Can I offer to take the cat on a holiday?

Grin
OP posts:
Original poster
purplelass · 23/07/2018 10:56

If they have such a volatile relationship is a week in a foreign country a good idea anyway, gf or no gf?

Good point - she'd rather stay home with me anyway I think...

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 23/07/2018 11:08

Good point - she'd rather stay home with me anyway I think...

so why is she moaning on about the lack of foreign holiday and feeling less important than the cat? Sounds like a hormonal teenager to me.

Can I offer to take YOU on holiday, OP?

Original poster
purplelass · 23/07/2018 11:16

so why is she moaning on about the lack of foreign holiday and feeling less important than the cat? Sounds like a hormonal teenager to me

She is absolutely a hormonal teenager who doesn't get on with her dad, which is why the whole holiday idea is never going to end well anyway, but he shouldn't have promised her a foreign holiday for the 3 of them if he didn't 100% know it was going to happen. He's let her down enough.

Can I offer to take YOU on holiday, OP?
Ooh yes please! Think I'll need one by the time this is all sorted Smile

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 23/07/2018 11:19

He did say "this year". What about October half term by which time cat may have snuffed it? Did he sign something in blood about when it had to happen and penalty clauses for failure to deliver?

SugarIsAmazing · 23/07/2018 11:22

What about if you offered to buy the holiday and you and your daughter go?

ichifanny · 23/07/2018 11:24

I’d say it’s up to her dad and his girlfriend where they decide to holiday , my 14 year old doesn’t get to call the shots on wether we go a foreign holiday in this house , he does what we have planned . I’d stay out of it and let them sort it out amongst themselves .