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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I just mind my own damn business?

71 replies

purplelass · 23/07/2018 09:53

ExH hasn't got the best relationship with DD(14) - he's only seen her every other weekend for the last 3 years and her patience with him is very low.

He told her a while back that he'd be taking her on a foreign holiday this year so she contacted him yesterday to find out what's happening as it's only a couple of weeks away. It turns out his cat isn't well (they've known this for months) so he and his girlfriend have decided to stay in the UK so they can get back if needed. He did offer that just he and DD could go abroad but she really doesn't fancy a whole week with just him...

I've got a cat and get that they're part of the family, but DD is very much feeling less important than the cat now and quite understandably feels a bit put out, so my question is do I get involved and try to find something she's more likely to enjoy for her to suggest to him or do I leave them to it and just make sure she has stuff to look forward to afterwards if it's rubbish?

OP posts:

Thread gallery

Original poster

purplelass · 23/07/2018 11:26

ShatnersWig I should have put this post on last night so you'd make me laugh then instead of spending half the night awake worrying about it!
(did I mention the control freak thing?)

OP posts:

Original poster

purplelass · 23/07/2018 11:27

What about if you offered to buy the holiday and you and your daughter go?

There is no holiday yet as he still hasn't pulled his finger out and booked anything!

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 23/07/2018 14:09

Do you get on with the girlfriend as well as your daughter does? Why don't the three of you go and have a fabulous city break and leave ExH to look after cat?

BottleOfJameson · 23/07/2018 14:12

I think definitely leave it. Animals are part of the family for me so I can understand how he feels and also he did actually offer to take her but she said no.

Singlenotsingle · 23/07/2018 14:16

It's not up to you to resolve it OP. Isn't there a saying about circuses and monkeys,?

Singlenotsingle · 23/07/2018 14:19

Why don't we all go on holiday, and take the cat? 🐈

Original poster

purplelass · 23/07/2018 14:20

Why don't we all go on holiday, and take the cat?

The cat sounds a bit high maintenance TBH...

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 23/07/2018 14:27

@Singlenotsingle What are you talking about monkeys for? Bad enough we have to worry about the cat without other creature as well. And what a daft idea to take the cat; how are we supposed to enjoy our holiday if one of us has to take turns to make sure it applies its sun tan cream and doesn't go off and get pissed? Madness to take a cat with us. Are you on glue?

Myotherusernameisbest · 23/07/2018 15:10

Could you look after the cat?

ShatnersWig · 23/07/2018 15:13

Bloody hell, everyone is fixated about this moggy that will soon cease to be, it will be bereft of life, it will be an ex-cat.

Will nobody think of the CHILDREN?!?!

Original poster

purplelass · 23/07/2018 15:19

Could you look after the cat?

God no, this is my one week off single parenting a year! The last thing I want is a needy moggy! Besides, I have a cat of my own who doesn't like to share me

OP posts:

Original poster

purplelass · 23/07/2018 15:21

Exactly ShatnersWig

Not my cat, not my monkeys, not my circus and not my holiday

OP posts:

MoonsAndJunes · 23/07/2018 15:36

Yeh. Stop being selfish and offer to look after the cat OP!

Lizzie48 · 23/07/2018 15:45

I agree with you, OP, he shouldn't have promised this holiday to your DD if there was any doubt. After all, if the cat is elderly and deteriorating, your ex and his girlfriend surely knew that there was a possibility that it wouldn't be well enough to be left. If that's the case, then it was very unreasonable of them not to make clear that the holiday might not happen.

If it was sudden, e.g. the cat got knocked over by a car or had an unexpected illness, then surely they could postpone the holiday until the October half-term, by which time the cat will have recovered and able to be booked into a cattery, or have been PTS.

Your ex should have communicated better with your DD in any event.

ShatnersWig · 23/07/2018 15:47

@Lizzie48 You could at least have read the full thread and joined in properly.

Lizzie48 · 23/07/2018 15:54

I have read the thread. I'm saying that there's no way this is a genuine reason. If the cat has been unwell for months, they would have known that they wouldn't be able to go on holiday. I've had a sick cat, who was sadly PTS at age 13, I wouldn't have considered going away.

The only way this would be a genuine reason would be if it was an accident or sudden illness.

There's no need to be rude.

Original poster

purplelass · 23/07/2018 15:54

Own up, who told the bloody cat it was getting a holiday?

Should I just mind my own damn business?

OP posts:

Lizzie48 · 23/07/2018 15:56

Lol, OP. I'm sorry you're coping with this. Your ex should never have offered this holiday.

HeebieJeebies456 · 23/07/2018 16:03

Your dd is behaving like a brat.

he wants to see DD and He did offer that just he and DD could go abroad ......so he's willing to make the effort but your dd doesn't want to make the same effort in return.

They can't get on for 24 hours alone together, let alone a week
Yet he's still prepared to take her but your dd doesn't want to take this opportunity to work on her relationship with her dad.

he shouldn't have promised her a foreign holiday for the 3 of them if he didn't 100% know it was going to happen. He's let her down enough
Does he have a magic crystal ball that tells him exactly how the future will pan out?

He may have let her down in the past but he's making the effort in the present moment - it's your dd who's letting herself down and blaming him.

If she can't tolerate him and doesn't want to make an effort at working on their relationship then why does she even bother having contact with him?

With an attitude like hers i'm not surprised he's not wasting money pre-booking a holiday that he knows she will refuse to go on.

ShatnersWig · 23/07/2018 16:04

OP Some people just don't have our sense of humour, clearly

Hidingtonothing · 23/07/2018 16:05

Nope, def not your circus OP. It's hard when it's your DC being let down but you can't control what exH does, all you can do is be the consistent parent who DD knows she can rely on and hope that's enough to counteract his flakiness.

I wonder if it's normal that I'm now considering whether either of my cats would let me strap them into a suitcase

Original poster

purplelass · 23/07/2018 16:09

Indeed ShatnersWig, I didn't ask for judgement on whether DD was being unreasonable, just whether I was!

Just got this from the cat, he says people need to stop worrying about him

OP posts:

Original poster

purplelass · 23/07/2018 16:12

Hidingtonothing

OP posts:

bonitabonita · 23/07/2018 16:23

'wanting to' do something and 'doing' it are very different things in my experience. I wish someone had taught me that when I was 14.

cjt110 · 23/07/2018 16:30

This thread has given me a chuckle... I think the cat planned this all along.... Just look at it in it's beautiful holiday shirt....

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