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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men’s group chat

56 replies

Alicejade90 · 23/07/2018 07:49

My boyfriend has a group chat with a few other guys. I saw it yesterday (innocently trying to delete a grumpy message from me before he read it). He has sent pictures of other girls from their facebook pages to his mates saying how much he’d like to have sex with them etc. I found this very disrespectful to myself and to the other women. But he said this is just a normal “guy chat”. So what do people think? Do your other halves do this? Is this normal and Aibu to be annoyed??

OP posts:
Booklover18 · 23/07/2018 07:54

I wouldn’t be happy, but it wouldn’t surprise me if this is quite common, just “banter”. I confront him though and ask that he doesn’t do it again and explain how it made me feel. He probably doesn’t even think about the bigger picture, ime men often just don’t think.

Booklover18 · 23/07/2018 07:56

Are they random girls or people he knows?? That would make a difference to me and how I reacted.

toolonglurking · 23/07/2018 07:57

Bullshit, that is not acceptable behavior. Passing shit like that off as 'banter' allows this kind of behaviour to continue unquestioned.

Fivelittleduckies · 23/07/2018 07:57

I think this is disrespectful to you and the other women if he knows them personally.

pandarific · 23/07/2018 08:01

Ew. Sad I'd be worried he sees women (and therefore me) as not quite actual people - not quite as important, not quite as worthy of respect. Is he a 'lads lads lads' type generally?

Is he nice to you, does he demand sex, sulk when you say no, etc etc? Any other red flags? How long have you been together? Have you children?

I'd find it hard to get over personally, but I suppose it would be very out of character in my situation. Thanks anyway, it's a shit thing to do.

TheDowagerCuntess · 23/07/2018 08:02

No, it's not normal or acceptable. When you're with someone - a partner that's supposed to be in love with you, and respect you, this isn't normal.

It probably is normal for single 14 year olds, but that's about it.

knickerbockergloryy · 23/07/2018 08:02

No not normal!!!! How awful :( sorry OP I bet that made you feel like crap!

Alice2990 · 23/07/2018 08:03

We’ve been together about 18 months. No other red flags. Doesn’t demand sex etc. No children. And yes they are people he knows personally, I think I’d less bothered if they were celebs or something.

CambridgeAnaglypta · 23/07/2018 08:14

It is normal, but not nice. Was it a one off?

Men's groups are never going to be about 'whats for Sunday dinner' or 'which washing machine to buy'.

Awrite · 23/07/2018 08:15

It might be normal for some men. Not any I'd want to be in a relationship with. This is who he is - do you still want him?

FishingIsNotASport · 23/07/2018 08:19

Would he be happy with you sharing images of men you know with your friends and talking about how you would like to have sex with them? Highly doubtful. He is not a long-term prospect in my opinion and you need to set your bar higher.

Metoodear · 23/07/2018 08:21

CambridgeAnaglypta

It is normal, but not nice. Was it a one off?

Men's groups are never going to be about 'whats for Sunday dinner' or 'which washing machine to buy'.
what women would like men to talk about and what they actually talk about I would be surprised if it wasn’t sex based tbh

Shoxfordian · 23/07/2018 08:36

I don't think it's normal
Immature, period, disrespectful behaviour

Shoxfordian · 23/07/2018 08:37

*peurile

IfYouDontImagineNothingHappens · 23/07/2018 09:02

I think it depends on how it was said. It might just be banter. I've got a few female message groups and this stuff occasionally pops up

NothingOnTellyAgain · 23/07/2018 09:08

He sending pictures of women he knows mates and saying he wants to fuck them?

Who does he think he is to use their images in that way? To bond with his mates over how they'd like to do her?

No that's grim, he can fuck off.

When men say "oh this is just what men do " about anything, we don't have too say fine then.

JustABrokenDoll · 23/07/2018 12:26

That's pretty tacky but I'm not surprised to be honest. A lot of men act like randy teenagers when they are 'bantering' with their equally immature mates.

His reaction to you seeing it is another matter. He should be embarrassed but it doesn't seem like he thinks there's anything wrong with it.

I think I'd find that a massive turn off in a man.

spudlet7 · 23/07/2018 14:10

Most certainly NOT normal guy chat OP

LyndseyKola · 23/07/2018 14:14

He probably doesn’t even think about the bigger picture, ime men often just don’t think.

I love sexist bullshit like this that gives men the green light to act in any way they please cos ‘boys will be boys’.

CambridgeAnaglypta · 23/07/2018 14:23

I love sexist bullshit like this that gives men the green light to act in any way they please cos ‘boys will be boys’.

Why not? Men and women are different. i'm fed up with women dictating what men have to do. As above he's probably not thought much about it, and you can't dictate what he does on his personal phone.

FlyingElbows · 23/07/2018 14:29

I often wonder if I married the only decent man on the planet. I know I didn't but you only have to read threads like this to realise just how jaw droppingly low some women set the bar. Can one of you explain why on earth you consider that level of disrespect to you and other women both inevitable and acceptable? You are worth so much more. Never mind "it's just what men do" (which is as unsulting to them as to us) and how about "not to me you don't, mate."?

Greenyogagirl · 23/07/2018 14:32

If it’s regular people they know then no it is not normal, not banter and not ok!!!
If it’s a photo of a random celeb saying she’s hot, that’s normal

OldGreyBoots · 23/07/2018 14:32

For what it's worth, DP is in a group chat with a bunch of friends and they post daft memes, stuff about video games and cars. If he was posting the kind of thing you describe OP, I think that would be the end of the relationship for me.

Gottagetmoving · 23/07/2018 14:35

My DP wouldn't do that. He thinks it's juvenile. He wouldn' t discuss women in that way either.
I'm not saying men may not think these things, but if DP had thoughts like that he would keep them to himself.

JAPAB · 23/07/2018 14:37

Men's groups are never going to be about 'whats for Sunday dinner' or 'which washing machine to buy'.

I'd say it is normal for any group of either men or women when on a general discussion forum, to include discussions on attractive members of the opposite sex.

I have certainly seen plenty of such discussions here, including, occasionally, photos supplied of the male in question.

And as a generalisation, men will express themselves in cruder ways, of course.

Still, if you have a partner and it makes them uncomfortable, best don't do it.