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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Men’s group chat

56 replies

Alicejade90 · 23/07/2018 07:49

My boyfriend has a group chat with a few other guys. I saw it yesterday (innocently trying to delete a grumpy message from me before he read it). He has sent pictures of other girls from their facebook pages to his mates saying how much he’d like to have sex with them etc. I found this very disrespectful to myself and to the other women. But he said this is just a normal “guy chat”. So what do people think? Do your other halves do this? Is this normal and Aibu to be annoyed??

OP posts:

MillyTheKid · 23/07/2018 14:42

It wouldn't surprise me in the least if it's fairly normal behaviour. You just have to observe men when you're out and about and see the leering 'I wouldn't mind f***g that' looks they give any pretty woman that walks by.

Stirner · 23/07/2018 14:51

You were snooping on his phone for a stick to beat him with. Who are you to dictate what he talks to his mates about?

SleepWarrior · 23/07/2018 14:51

Not 'normal' (although may well be commonplace) and personally not someone I'd want to be in a relationship with.

I know my DH has a group chat with a couple of male friends. They tell jokes, stuff about their jobs, family updates, and a bit of silliness. He's not remotely bothered if I pick up his phone when a message comes through because it's not dodgy or disrespectful.

PositiveVibez · 23/07/2018 15:01

The WhatsApp groups I'm on with other females, I can honestly say we've never salivated over a male and certainly not copied pictures off Facebook without their knowledge telling everyone how much I want to shag that person.

It's creepy AF.

I can hand on heart say the chat groups my husband is on do not include the objectification of women, reducing them to basically a hole for a man to put his dick in.

Unless the OP's other half is 15/16, I would say it's pretty disrespectful and a wee bit creepy.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 23/07/2018 15:22

Of course it's normal if he's 15-18.
If he's past College age I'd say it makes him incredibly immature.

Yes sometimes men do it with celebrities or models but they don't do it with women they know. Same with women.

I just think he's probably immature and if you want a serious, adult relationship look elsewhere. If just want fun and bants then I'm sure he will do.

Booklover18 · 23/07/2018 15:26

Quote:
“He probably doesn’t even think about the bigger picture, ime men often just don’t think.”
Reply Lyndsey Kola:
“I love sexist bullshit like this that gives men the green light to act in any way they please cos ‘boys will be boys’.”

it’s not sexist bullshit and that statement doesn’t give men the green light. I am saying that in my experience very often men don’t think about the bigger picture and consequences. Not because they are being nasty, they literally just don’t think. He was probably joining in some meaningless banter with mates and didn’t think that he would have to justify his actions. It was not done to intentionally hurt or upset the OP. I don’t believe that anyone here has never made comments (joking or otherwise) with their friends about who they fancy or that type of thing. Why is it ok for a woman to go out and “have a girly night” giggling and drinking wine and have a laugh including I’m sure some dirty jokes about a man/or men in general? The minute a man does exactly the same he is absolutely slated? I find many people who hold strong feminist type views have very double standards and just like to bash men for everything. That said, it’s not nice it was people he actually knew and OP should have a chat with him about how she feels.

BlancheM · 23/07/2018 15:27

Oh yes it's normal for immature misogynistic men. Completely par for the course, the ones who give the rest a bad/'daft men they just don't think' name.

BlancheM · 23/07/2018 15:28

With opinions like yours, Book, it's easy to see why men need feminism too. Men aren't children, men aren't incapable of thinking.

Gottagetmoving · 23/07/2018 15:55

Why is it ok for a woman to go out and “have a girly night” giggling and drinking wine and have a laugh including I’m sure some dirty jokes about a man/or men in general? The minute a man does exactly the same he is absolutely slated?

Who says it IS ok for women to do the same?
Anyone, male or female who talks about the opposite or even same sex as a piece of meat to fuck is a total twat.
Nothing wrong with boys or girls nights out, getting drunk, or being a bit giggly....Everything wrong with leering and being crude about other people.
It's immature. Who wants a relationship with anyone that childish?

JAPAB · 23/07/2018 16:24

They do that when (presumably) sober on MN. I've certainly learned a new expression or two ("I'd climb him like a tree!")

But if you hold the belief that expressing a physical or sexual interest in someone implies an accompanying attitude that the referred-to person is just a piece of meat or not fully human etc, well people expressing such interests are bound to get the hackles raised.

Booklover18 · 23/07/2018 16:28

Have I missed a bit - who said that showing an interest in someone infers that they are a piece of meat? I certainly don’t agree with that?

BlancheM · 23/07/2018 16:33

Showing an interest? OP said he sends photos of women off his Facebook saying he would like to shag them.

Cambionome · 23/07/2018 16:37

I should reread your original message then Booklover because you seem to have expressed yourself extremely badly.

I will never understand why women excuse this mindless, sexist behaviour from men.

SaveBandit · 23/07/2018 16:41

DH has a group chat with his friends and they never say stuff like this in it. He asked me to get an address of one of them in the car the other week and asked me to scroll back through messages in the chat.

It was actually quite funny. They spoke about football, stuff that was going on at home or with the kids. Some of it was lovely too, giving each other advice and even planning a day for one of their wives who has been really ill. Each of them had a part of the day to organise and it made me love them all even more than I already do. Also they have a habit of using filters and sending each other random selfies

I expect DH to find other women attractive sure, but using photos of women he knows and talking about them in that way isn't something I'd be happy about.

Gottagetmoving · 23/07/2018 17:31

Have I missed a bit - who said that showing an interest in someone infers that they are a piece of meat? I certainly don’t agree with that?

That's a new one! Expressing a desire to shag someone is 'showing an interest'

UpstartCrow · 23/07/2018 17:36

This post has given me deja vu.

AngelsSins · 23/07/2018 17:46

Why not? Men and women are different. i'm fed up with women dictating what men have to do. As above he's probably not thought much about it, and you can't dictate what he does on his personal pho

But it’s ok for men to dictate what women’s should see as acceptable in their relationships?!

It’s not his place to tell you what you should be ok with OP.

AngelsSins · 23/07/2018 17:47

*women should see

pandarific · 23/07/2018 18:16

MAYBE it is possible that the op's DP hasn't actually stopped and thought 'is it creepy of me to send pictures of women I know (argh!) to my mates detailing how much I'd love to fuck them'. But, would you want to go out with someone over the age of about 18 that hasn't had that penny drop?

Reasons it's not the same as a bunch of people (note people) remarking 'I would climb Hugh Jackson like a TREE/be all over Holly Willoughby like a cheap suit', is because these are celebrities - they exist on the big screen and they've chosen to put themselves there. It's creepy as hell to take people's personal fb pics and send round to your friends.

It's not a respectful way to behave, either to those women or to the op.

knittingdad · 23/07/2018 18:55

It doesn't matter if it's normal or not. What matters is whether you are willing to accept it. You are allowed to set your own rules.

mothersmatter · 23/07/2018 19:02

I think this kind of behaviour is disrespectful to you and the other women. Quite juvenile in fact. I would question the quality of friendships he has too. Seems shallow to bond over such sharing. Why do so many women question whether their reaction is over the top? Because we are made to feel like we are being jealous, or prudish, or that there is nothing wrong with the behaviour! Would he allow his friends to pass on a picture of his sister, mother or daughter and make such remarks? Boils down to lack of self-control and lack of self respect that comes with it. If the behaviour is not able to be done in public, it is shameful. I would question his attitude towards women. No use pretending i public you respect women and doing the opposite in private. He is deceitful and immature o top! His attitude will finally affect your relationship too no doubt.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 23/07/2018 19:11

Personally I'm sick of the whole "oh boys/men! What are they like, that's just them though isn't it?" Bollox. Any man who thinks it's ok to disrespect other women in general and women they know because they are in relationships with their mates, well, like someone up thread said, it's no one I'd want to associate with.

WineGummyBear · 23/07/2018 19:18

I'm with FlyingElbows

Almostfifty · 23/07/2018 19:20

My DH is in a chat like this. He was showing me some of the pictures on it, and gave me the phone to look at it. All the chat was football, holidays, families, nothing seedy at all.

I would imagine most are the same.

Zintox · 23/07/2018 19:59

My DH would be out on his arse if he did this. Definitely not normal or acceptable behaviour.

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