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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think having an imaginary partner is okay?

105 replies

AvaJune · 22/07/2018 19:40

Right, I really really REALLY don't know if it's a good idea to post what I am about to post but I think I gathered all my bravery so here it goes.

I've been with my partner for 4 years. I love him and he loves me. We had our ups and downs mainly because of his job. He travels abroad loads (1-2-3 weeks/ month it depends) with his work and I wasn't really coping well with it. It was always an issue right from the beginning of our relationship. I struggled up till about 5-6 months ago when I started having an imaginary boyfriend. I sort of just daydream about him when my partner is away. It comforts me and makes me miss my partner less. It also helped our relationship loads. I'm much less upset when my partner goes away. Also not getting upset over stuff like not calling me or not immediately answering my messages. I know it sounds bad (and it is) but before I expected him to call and text all the time. Don't get me wrong we still speak when he's away but I'm not putting pressure on him anymore and I feel so much better about myself now.
On the other hand tho... does this count as emotional cheating? Am I ok ? Do I have mental issues? Or I'm fine? Anyone has experienced something like this before??

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 22/07/2018 22:49

If (as it certainly sounds here) it makes you happy and it doesn’t stop you living your life, it’s absolutely fine

Isn't the point she should not need an imaginary partner to make her happy?

AvaJune · 22/07/2018 22:51

@WorraLiberty your comment made me laid so hard I think a bit of pee just can out 😂😂😂

@Shambu I know you and some other posters make a good point there. I should be more social. I did have a very weird circle of 'friends' where there was quite a bit of negative vibe going on(the complaining friends) but I'm sure not everyone like that.

The only thing I have not mentioned is that my job was very lonely as well. I worked on my own and had very little real life contact (mostly just emailed or messaged) with my colleagues. It was very unhealthy and I didn't like working on my own but sort of settled in it for years! 😱 I realised how bad it was for me so I handed my notice a month ago and now looking for a more 'social job'. I suppose that's a baby step isn't it ?!

OP posts:
buttercup54321 · 22/07/2018 22:54

How do you imagine him to look? Is he based on someone real or did you find a picture in a magazine and create a person round it.

Coffeeisnecessary · 22/07/2018 23:00

I have a rich imaginary life in my head where I 'act out' scenarios, have arguments, become a hero, meet new partners etc all the time. I find it really relaxing like telling myself a story before bed. I thought it was normal!! Blush

AynRandTheObjectivist · 22/07/2018 23:02

I don't think there's anything wrong with this at all.

buttercup54321 · 22/07/2018 23:03

Coffeeisnecessary. I used to create different partners and children as a young teen but grew up and out of it when real life took over. Im not sure it is normal really.

stevie69 · 22/07/2018 23:08

@Chocolatecoffeeaddict

I don't give a flying fuck about what you want either. Was merely pointing out that your 'perfect' relationship isn't ideal for everyone.

AvaJune · 22/07/2018 23:08

@Bluntness100 I honestly feel like you're twisting words. I mean where did I say that this what I need to feel happy? I read all my comments back. I love my partner. He is everything I ever wanted. We argue we make up we have things in common and things we don't agree on, we have great sex and can chat about serious things. We have hobbies such as skiing or doing diy together and I absolutely love. I honestly wouldn't want to change or swap my relationship for anything or anyone else

OP posts:
chickedychicked · 22/07/2018 23:12

There was a thread about imaginary lives and loads of people admitted to doing it.
I do it. it is kind of an escapism and I can pause and play whenever I want. It doesn't take over my life, I usually just do it when I'm trying to sleep but there's stupid thoughts and anxieties rushing through my head, I press play and I'm lost in my imaginary world and I fall asleep.

Coffeeisnecessary · 22/07/2018 23:14

What do normal people think about when trying to get to sleep? I'm interested!

Bluntness100 · 22/07/2018 23:18

Ok op, I'm sorry, I misread I thought you were saying in your op you were struggling with him being away and worrying about communications, and that since doing this you were happier. I get i got it wrong and misinterpreted it. 💐

WankStainWasher · 22/07/2018 23:21

Coffeeisnecessary
What do normal people think about when trying to get to sleep?

Define "normal people"

NotTerfNorCis · 22/07/2018 23:21

Nothing wrong with it as such. I think young people have this kind of fantasy a lot. Just make sure you don't come to rely on this imaginary boyfriend to rescue you, because one day it'll hit you hard that he doesn't exist.

crimsonlake · 22/07/2018 23:24

I think it is all rather odd, considering you actually have a bf, not so much perhaps if you did not actually have a partner at all.

WankStainWasher · 22/07/2018 23:25

Like others have said - it's a coping mechanism and if it doesn't interfere with your day to day real life, what's the problem?
I think the, err, "normal people" are missing out! Grin

Gwenhwyfar · 23/07/2018 00:33

"I know a lot of people are saying this is fine on here op, because they do it too, but I think in real life this wouldn't be so common and I don't think it's particularly normal or healthy, I'm sorry."

And how do you know that this isn't common in real life? Have you done a survey? And even if you have, how would you know that people were telling the truth? And why would Mumsnetters be more likely to have an imaginary life than anyone else?

Twombly · 23/07/2018 01:07

Clearly the thread is divided into daydreamers and non-daydreamers. I don't think there's anything wrong with being one or the other, and possibly potential pitfalls to each. I'd crack on without guilt, OP. An imaginary boyfriend is far less likely to trash your real relationship than a real lover is.

MarcieBlue · 23/07/2018 03:03

Clearly the thread is divided into daydreamers and non-daydreamers.

I think it's more to do with the divide of daydreamers and maladaptive daydreamers.

op is lonely. Then it can become the latter only reinforcing solitude.

But it's great op you are making changes. I daydream to comfort myself and need to change things.

FourAlarmFire · 23/07/2018 05:06

I just looked up maladaptive daydreaming and it’s a fairly serious condition that gets in the way of normal life. From what I understand of the OP’s situation it’s not what she’s experiencing at all (I might be wrong). I am 100% Team Daydream but I can always snap out of it to get on with my life and it doesn’t make me unhappy - it’s just what I think about before I fall asleep or when I’m driving or whatever. Nothing weird or sinister about it, no different to rehearsing a conversation with your boss or planning for a party - just something to do with your brain to keep it ticking over. I always think that it’s a testament to how good my relationship is that I’m able to do it! I can only imagine the ‘perfect’ life because I have something real to base it on.

safetyfreak · 23/07/2018 05:52

Actually I do this to :0 have done for years and its usually when im in bed I day dream about my fantasy life. I found when I was happy with my ex, I stopped doing but since we broke up yeah...right back to it.

Like you, I know it is not real and I go about my own life. But its definitely a coping mechanism for me because I am not happy with my life. My day dream consist of me exploring the bisexual side of me which I am too shit scared to do in RL.

Monty27 · 23/07/2018 06:06

Too late OP it's already been done. The book I mean. Except it was a bloke. My imaginary girlfriend.
That didn't end well.

AvaJune · 23/07/2018 06:45

I have read some more about maladaptive daydreaming and it scares me! I feel like I'm doing something like that but o don't think my case is that extreme (but could you tell how extreme your own situation is!?)
Anyhow I'm thinking of monitoring my situation and see what exactly I am doing. Also have a to do list and a short term goal list just to make sure I'm not forgetting about my real life, which I don't think I do but again how would I know. I'm genuinely scared now though.

OP posts:
JeanBodel · 23/07/2018 07:41

If you have the label 'writer' it is legitimate to spend time in a rich imagined fantasy world that you have created.

Is it still legitimate if you don't actually get to the stage of writing it down? I would say, yes.

berninisbeloved · 23/07/2018 11:45

I do exactly that.

Twombly · 23/07/2018 14:03

Look, OP, I really don't think you should let yourself get scared or upset by the maladaptive daydreaming label. For a start, it's just a bunch of strangers on MN who know nothing about you or your life in reality. On other threads, MNetters with no specialist knowledge confidently diagnose autism or narcissistic personality disorder in people they've never met.

Secondly, maladaptive daydreaming isn't necessarily the 'serious' disorder' it's being touted as, although clearly in extreme cases it can be. I am a maladaptive daydreamer in the sense that for me it began in childhood as a mechanism to cope with trauma. At this point, its an ingrained habit, a comforter, like any of the things grown ups treat themselves to when they feel stressed or down. In many ways, it's an excellent tool, as I use the detail of my daydreams to help me pinpoint areas of dissatisfaction in my life and make change. It sounds as though you're doing something similar, so that's fine, and a lot healthier than if you were comforting yourself with large amounts of food or alcohol or a real life love affair.

The only reason it feels like a problem is because a percentage of other people don't do it, haven't done it, don't understand it and want to pathologise it based on a smattering of internet reading. But lots of us do, and we're telling you this isn't unusual, needn't be problematic and definitely isn't anything to feel guilty about.

I expect masturbation was viewed similarly back in the day. Wink