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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think having an imaginary partner is okay?

105 replies

AvaJune · 22/07/2018 19:40

Right, I really really REALLY don't know if it's a good idea to post what I am about to post but I think I gathered all my bravery so here it goes.

I've been with my partner for 4 years. I love him and he loves me. We had our ups and downs mainly because of his job. He travels abroad loads (1-2-3 weeks/ month it depends) with his work and I wasn't really coping well with it. It was always an issue right from the beginning of our relationship. I struggled up till about 5-6 months ago when I started having an imaginary boyfriend. I sort of just daydream about him when my partner is away. It comforts me and makes me miss my partner less. It also helped our relationship loads. I'm much less upset when my partner goes away. Also not getting upset over stuff like not calling me or not immediately answering my messages. I know it sounds bad (and it is) but before I expected him to call and text all the time. Don't get me wrong we still speak when he's away but I'm not putting pressure on him anymore and I feel so much better about myself now.
On the other hand tho... does this count as emotional cheating? Am I ok ? Do I have mental issues? Or I'm fine? Anyone has experienced something like this before??

OP posts:

PaulRuddislush · 22/07/2018 20:22

Did you base him on a real person? Who does he look like?

Shambu · 22/07/2018 20:27

It's really odd that the only people you meet complain about things. Where do you live?!

Shambu · 22/07/2018 20:28

I don't think an imaginary friend is the answer.

MmeGuillotine · 22/07/2018 20:29

I think you're fine, OP. I used to retreat into various different fantasy worlds when I was being raised in an abusive environment - it's just a coping mechanism. It doesn't mean that you're not present in your actual life - you just have somewhere/someone to escape to when you're feeling a bit down or lonely.

I second the suggestion that maybe creative writing would be a good outlet for you? I eventually headed off into that direction and found it really beneficial plus it's lots of fun. :)

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 22/07/2018 20:30

You clearly know that he isn't real and don't seem in danger of making real life decisions based on a fantasy person, so I don't see the harm.

Having a partner who is away a lot can be hard and people develop different coping strategies. It doesn't seem like you are harming anyone and if it helps you get through the more difficult times then crack on.

If you started seeing him then that would be a whole other matter, of course!

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 22/07/2018 20:35

It's not right and it's a sign your relationship is lacking. A few years ago I was in relationship with someone who was emotionally abusive and I could see no way out. I was also not attracted to him. There were no positives to the relationship other than our children.
I began daydreaming about a movie actor to the point it was getting out of hand. I was obsessed and I knew it was strange. I needed him to get me through the day.
I eventually left and I'm with a new man now and our relationship is perfect. As soon as I met him my fantasies about the actor melted away as I don't need a distraction anymore and my real life is now really really good.

Nuffaluff · 22/07/2018 20:37

See, it’s fine to fantasise about an imaginary man.
What a lot of people do is, they meet someone in real life, they start fantasising about them. That gets out of hand when they have an affair with the real person. They wreck their lives, their children’s lives, etc.
That’s nuts.

Gwenhwyfar · 22/07/2018 20:38

It's not nuts at all. I have imaginary friends that I daydream that I talk to. I also sometimes go through in my head what I would do if I won the lottery - I don't even play it.

SkaPunkPrincess · 22/07/2018 20:38

Well, it depends how far your taking it really OP.
I have an imaginary life that I like to retreat to when things are stressful and I'm trying to get to sleep.

I have a quiet, well soundproofed flat that I live in alone.
Decorated precisely to my taste.
I come and go when I please
I don't work but have endless cash so spend my time doing as I like, volunteering for causes that are important to me.
I go to the gym because in my imaginary world I enjoy exercise.
There is no such thing as calories.
The fridge replenishes itself and someone else does the cleaning.

Oh and DH visits three times a week to give me a good going over but fucks off afterwards 😁

stevie69 · 22/07/2018 20:39

I eventually left and I'm with a new man now and our relationship is perfect.

Great. But ..... we're not all looking for that kind of arrangement.

Gwenhwyfar · 22/07/2018 20:40

"I'm confused. And a couple of posters have asked how you use/interact with Imaginary. Can you elaborate?"

It's up to OP to answer, but I would think she just 'imagines' him i.e. it's all in her head and she doesn't act out or speak out loud to him, but then if you're certain you won't be seen through the window or something, why not?

Original poster

AvaJune · 22/07/2018 20:41

Oh I that's not what o said! My partner is not abusive emotionally or physically! We have things we like to do together and a good sex life and I can count on him all the time. If something is wrong even when he is away he'd try his best to help or be there for me. I'm sorry that you went through that @Chocolate but that doesn't sound like my partner or my situation!

OP posts:

Original poster

AvaJune · 22/07/2018 20:43

Well I don't speak to him or see him. I usually just fantasy before going to sleep or when driving or watering the garden 😂

OP posts:

wellBeehivedWoman · 22/07/2018 20:43

You aren't emotionally cheating OP, please don't worry about that. But I do think that this is a sign that your relationship isn't fulfilling you or giving you what you need. You're plugging a gap your partner should be filling - have you spoken to him about the texting and calls etc so he knows you're struggling?

stevie69 · 22/07/2018 20:44

And to the poster who said it’s fucking nuts.
Yes, it is, and I like it.

High five for you, @Nuffaluff

MinervaSaidThat · 22/07/2018 20:50

I can relate, but my addiction is international telenovelas. I just want to curl up and watch them after work, on weekends, whenever.

I worry that I am slowly getting more and more disengaged from my real life. I have some real issues with DH, and family, plus impostor syndrome at work, so telenovelas are an escape for me.

tempester28 · 22/07/2018 20:57

You should look up maladaptive daydreaming. I think daydreaming can be a positive thing but for some people it can overtake them and have a negative impact on their daily lives. I suppose it is about balance. I don't think it is a sign of mental illness.

BarefootHippieChick · 22/07/2018 20:59

I really wouldn't worry op, this is actually more common than you think! There was a huge thread on here not so long ago about people living an imaginary life alongside their normal one, there were so many people on that thread commenting about their fantasy life. It was a fascinating thread and insight into the human mind! Better to have a harmless imaginary boyfriend than a crush on a real life person that could end up turning into something more.

Allnames · 22/07/2018 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

AvaJune · 22/07/2018 21:06

@wellBeehivedWoman of course I'm filling a gap in my life by doing this ! I'm aware of it. But my partner is working and I want him to be able to do it without me nagging him. I know he's got a lot of pressure on him sometimes he tells me he didn't even have time to eat till the evening . I miss him and i miss someone to care about me that's why I'm doing it. Plus relationship with my parents and my sister has been so hard. It's just all been a bit too much now and I need some comfort.

OP posts:

IdblowJonSnow · 22/07/2018 21:09

I think this is fine too. Ultimately you are kind of fulfilling your own emotional needs through doing this - what's wrong with that?! This man may be right or wrong for you - only time will tell! Could it be a good idea to also do something like joining a group or take up a hobby if you don't get out much? But not everyone needs a social outlet... I used to have a best friend who had an imaginary everything! She was super intelligent and creative and just not very sociable!

Bluesrunthegame · 22/07/2018 21:10

I think I did something similar once, but it was when my relationship with my then-DP was in a bad state, although we hadn't acknowledged anything. The imaginary guy was lovely, we had a great life, great house etc. But I found that the contrast with how things were in my life was too much. Not the material things, but the emotional connection I imagined. In the end, I dumped the imaginary man! I really, in my mind, told him that he was hurting me even though he didn't mean to, and I had to end things. He didn't exist! While I was doing this, I knew he didn't exist, but I had to say goodbye to something I had invented in order to hide what was going on in my life, from myself!

I'm not saying that the OP's imaginary man is doing her harm, and maybe she has created her imaginary lover to help her through a difficult time, but I found my creation wasn't helpful in the end.

Racecardriver · 22/07/2018 21:10

When I cross with my husband I sometimes fantasise about a certain very handsome actor (that actually looks oldly a lot like my husband if that is any defense) just to get back at him a bit. I know it's really childish but sometimes it can be good to sort of mentally distance yourself from your relationship a bit so you're not quite so emotional about it. Doesn't meant I'm not embarrassed about it though

Lethaldrizzle · 22/07/2018 21:11

But surely the gap in your life should be filled by a rich and varied personal/social life. You're putting too much emphasis on one person to fulfil all your needs.

Bluntness100 · 22/07/2018 21:16

Is there any point you compare your real boyfriend with your pretend one and find the real one lacking?

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