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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think having an imaginary partner is okay?

105 replies

AvaJune · 22/07/2018 19:40

Right, I really really REALLY don't know if it's a good idea to post what I am about to post but I think I gathered all my bravery so here it goes.

I've been with my partner for 4 years. I love him and he loves me. We had our ups and downs mainly because of his job. He travels abroad loads (1-2-3 weeks/ month it depends) with his work and I wasn't really coping well with it. It was always an issue right from the beginning of our relationship. I struggled up till about 5-6 months ago when I started having an imaginary boyfriend. I sort of just daydream about him when my partner is away. It comforts me and makes me miss my partner less. It also helped our relationship loads. I'm much less upset when my partner goes away. Also not getting upset over stuff like not calling me or not immediately answering my messages. I know it sounds bad (and it is) but before I expected him to call and text all the time. Don't get me wrong we still speak when he's away but I'm not putting pressure on him anymore and I feel so much better about myself now.
On the other hand tho... does this count as emotional cheating? Am I ok ? Do I have mental issues? Or I'm fine? Anyone has experienced something like this before??

OP posts:

Arum51 · 22/07/2018 21:18

Right, well...

For 'normal' people, a bit of a fantasy is fine.

However, for those of us prone to, or experiencing, mental illness, this isn't a great sign. It can be very necessary, but it's a symptom, rather than a cure.

Only you can know where you fall here.

ThinkingCat · 22/07/2018 21:19

Hi OP, I understand what you mean and I am impressed that you have created a completely imaginary fantasy partner rather than one based on someone in real life.
I have used imaginary emotional affairs with real people to satisfy a need for romance but the difference is I am in an extremely long-term relationship. I am a bit concerned you feel the need to do this in a relationship of only 4 years.
I may have missed an update but will your partner's work always involve him being away from home so much?

hibeat · 22/07/2018 21:20

No, you're not happy. This is my opinion.
Seems that you have a lot of time and a lot of imagination : Use it, write a book.
Seems to me that you are living a true imaginary relationship, one where you believe certain things that might not be true. Why are you enacting a low maintenance character ? You're in a relationship where you are questioning you sanity. It's that bad.

Viviennemary · 22/07/2018 21:30

I don't think its cheating and I don't think you have mental issues. But I don't think this separation is working for you. So you need to tackle this.

BrownOwlknowsbest · 22/07/2018 21:33

I suspect having an imaginary friend is more common than you might think, people just don't like to admit it. Many children have them, and no one worries about it. For a lot of children they loose their powers of imagination as they grow up and so their imaginary friends. Some of us, myself included are lucky enough to retain them. I have several, and they don't interfere with my real life relationships, activities or mental health at all. In fact I feel a bit sorry for people who don't have friends of the imagination. They must get lonely when real life people are not available to chat.

User183737 · 22/07/2018 21:34

It isnt normal. It comes from isolation, and it will breed more isolation as you lose yourself in your thoughts. You need to be meeting real people. It is sad, when you look at it properly.

User183737 · 22/07/2018 21:35

Google maladaptove daydreaming

IsMyUserNameRubbish · 22/07/2018 21:39

Is your imaginary boyfriend well endowed? If so, sack off your real boyfriend and keep the one with the big package. I'd also make sure the imaginary boyfriend was loaded for when he hires a jet to take you on imaginary trips to Paris, and for imaginary pasta in Italy, and just imagine, no imaginary arguments either, what a catch he sounds amazing 👏👏👏👏

Sorry to seem so sarcastic but I just don't get it, take up a hobby while he's away or find a boyfriends that doesn't travel, because living in the real world is so much better than wasting away your days in a make believe one.

Original poster

AvaJune · 22/07/2018 21:44

I have googled and it scared me. I don't think I'm that serious but on the other hand I dont see myself from the outside. I'm scared how it's compared to schizophrenia . That just creeped the shit out of me. My partner is aware this lifestyle can't go on forever. I think he is pretty fed up with it as well and reaching a limit now.

OP posts:

stevie69 · 22/07/2018 21:44

because living in the real world is so much better than wasting away your days in a make believe one.

In your opinion ......... Other views are available.

Original poster

AvaJune · 22/07/2018 21:45

Oh yes and I never compare my partner and my imaginary bf.

OP posts:

LaContessaDiPlump · 22/07/2018 22:02

This is interesting.... I've had a very rich inner 'story' (more of a soap opera) going on ever since I was 4 (I remember imagining stories about the Care Bears and novel adventures/family set-ups etc). It progressed through the various cartoon characters I was into at the time, then settled on a particular SF series aged about 12 and never left.

I'm onto the third generation of these characters now and play out pretty much everything in my day-to-day life with them - it's part of how I process things. There are some very idealised relationships in there which I'm sure take the place of real-life support at times, but they work for me and I am (broadly speaking) happy. Also relatively normal, for want of a better word

Therefore I think - crack on, op! As long as you do have other sources of interaction in your life as well then I think it is safe enough to indulge (I would say that though, wouldn't I).

Arum51 · 22/07/2018 22:09

You don't have schizophrenia love. Just an over active imagination.

Bluntness100 · 22/07/2018 22:13

I know a lot of people are saying this is fine on here op, because they do it too, but I think in real life this wouldn't be so common and I don't think it's particularly normal or healthy, I'm sorry.

I think if you spend your time apart from your partner, which seems quite a large amount of time, imagining some other pretend guy you are with, it can't be healthy.

At the core it say you're not happy and are creating something in your own head to fill the gap.

How does your life feel when you don't do this? You said you were getting stressed and upset. Now you don't. Because you imagine you've some other boyfriend to detach yourself from your own reality. Facing your own reality then managing that is what's key. Not creating an alternate reality so you don't get upset by your real one.

Original poster

AvaJune · 22/07/2018 22:22

How does your life feel when you don't do this? You said you were getting stressed and upset.

I am very sorry @Bluntness100 I respect your opinion and appreciate you sharing it but I never said that my life is stressed and I'm upset when I don't do it. Just want to clarify that. My life is stressed in a normal way. Work. Family. But not stressed because to live my real life. Also I'm upset when my partner is away cause I miss him. I really want to catch up with him in the evening and cuddle up before bed. I physically and emotionally miss him at times when he's away. But again when he is home and I fully concentrate on our like I'm not upset or stressed that my imaginary bf is not around.

OP posts:

bobstersmum · 22/07/2018 22:23

I think it's a bit odd, but if it helps you then it's fine!

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 22/07/2018 22:24

I'm not saying your situation is the same as mine was, what I mean is, it's likely a sign something is amiss in your life. You're getting your fulfilment from a fantasy which if it goes too far it can be damaging to your real life and relationship.

Bluntness100 · 22/07/2018 22:26

Sorry op, your opening post reads that you were struggling with him being away, it was an issue for you, and that you were getting upset about communicatuibsm and then you started this pretend boyfriend it made it easier for you and him,

I'm sorry if I misread your meaning,

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 22/07/2018 22:30

Stevie,it's what I wanted, I don't particularly care what you want. But for me I wanted something more substantial than a fantasy and I now have it.

FourAlarmFire · 22/07/2018 22:32

If having an imaginary partner upsets you or is so overwhelming that you are unable to go to work / have a relationship / look after yourself properly, then it’s a problem. If (as it certainly sounds here) it makes you happy and it doesn’t stop you living your life, it’s absolutely fine.
I’ve had imaginary partners on and off for my entire life and I’m a very happy person with a great marriage, friends, a decent job etc. It’s just one of those things I think about when I have some down-time. Totally, totally fine IMO.

Shambu · 22/07/2018 22:33

Honestly, I don't think taking refuge in fantasy is ever healthy. Just because we have a culture full of people fantasising about celebs and getting lost in virtual realities doesn't mean it's a good idea.

You're using fantasy to cover up things missing in your life such as friends hobbies and interests that could sustain you. You've got the opportunity to develop new skills and friendships etc but instead you're choosing to pretend that things are as they are not.

The indication is that you're a bit too dependent on a man for your entertainment and comfort to the point that if a real one is absent you'll invent one.

DistanceCall · 22/07/2018 22:33

Errrr. No. It isn't.

WorraLiberty · 22/07/2018 22:33

Your imaginary boyfriend won't be around forever but if he helps you right now while you sort out what you want from life, all well and good.

Sorry but that made me laugh

It sounds like he's going to dump her

MaryPoppinsUmberellaHandle · 22/07/2018 22:46

MaryPoppinsUmberellaHandle · 22/07/2018 22:48

Soooo sorry Don't know what happened there!! 🤦🏼‍♀️

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