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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is 30hrs childcare a bad thing

78 replies

Nicpem1982 · 22/07/2018 19:32

We've had some changes in our childcare needs due to unexpected circumstances with ils.

Me and dh have decided to relieve some of the burden that we will utilise the 30 hrs free childcare that we are entitled to

Mil has gone berserk and has told us that we are 'robbing dd of her childhood' and 'bullying her into growing up'

Dd is 4 in September and marginally missed the cut off to start reception this year so in effect had and extra year in nursery. She understands that from Sept after lunch club she will be in an afternoon group with one of her fave teachers.

After mils outburst I text my sil (my side) for a bit of reassurance and moral support and it turns out she also things I'm a disgrace and it's immoral for dd to be doing full time

So iabu to wonder is 30 hrs a bad thing

OP posts:
GiantHulkHands · 22/07/2018 19:34

Wtf

No.

kitkatsky · 22/07/2018 19:35

Well my DD went to nursery full time from when she was 10 weeks old because I had little/ no choice. She's 7 now and a happy, lovely kid who's not robbed of a childhood and we have a great relationship. Obv not all kids are the same, but your in laws are so ridiculous

RoseAndRose · 22/07/2018 19:36

No if course it's not a bad thing! Assuming a competent nursery, if course.

Offspring of FT working or chronically sick parents are not 'robbed' of their childhood because they have to be in the care of others. Nor is the entire French nation (whise infants almost invariably do long hours at a maternelle)

Ivorbig1 · 22/07/2018 19:36

So your mil and silo are taking care of your dad then since they object so much

Ivorbig1 · 22/07/2018 19:36

Bloody typos
Sip and dd not dad!!

NotUmbongoUnchained · 22/07/2018 19:37

Ergh. They’re just snobs.

My kids have been in full time childcare, 8-6 from 12 months.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 22/07/2018 19:38

Nursery is outstanding

Mil has done alot of childcare for us but her personal circumstances dictate that we need to reduce this although she can't see it

Sil has done alot but mainly a few days in the holidays

OP posts:
GiantHulkHands · 22/07/2018 19:38

Posted too soon.

Wtf, no, 30 hours of child care is not a bad thing and I think it is unreasonable of your mil to respond like that.

Christ, as if there isn’t enough shaming of mothers for their choices, you’re being made to feel guilty because you’re utilising childcare.

trilbydoll · 22/07/2018 19:39

From Sept some months our childcare bill will be less than our childcare vouchers so I think it's an excellent thing for me personally Grin

Term time is short, you've still got 14 weeks holiday a year to cover.

What does your Mil do with DD that is so fantastic and can't be replicated in nursery? I hope she's not doing anything dull like going to Tesco or the dentist, that sounds like a tragic waste of dd's childhood Wink

steppedonlego · 22/07/2018 19:40

Absolutely not. My daughters just finished a year of nursery FT, due to go into reception in September. She’s happy, bright, well adjusted, sociable with other kids and just a little ray of sunshine. She also has strong bonds with both me and her father.

Plughole3 · 22/07/2018 19:41

If it makes you feel better I used the 30 hours for DC1 while on mat leave with DC2. I was allowed to be flexible so didn’t have to send him all day every day but he had a lot more fun there then at home with newborn.
3.30pm comes around very quickly!

Yika · 22/07/2018 19:42

Oh gosh in the country where I live (not the UK) the majority of kids are in full-time childcare from a very young age (under 6 months) as it's means-tested and accessible to all, so most women go back to work. My DD was in more or less full time (9-4 every day) from 5months to 3.11 and now she is at school (age 7) she also goes to afterschool club till 6pm! The children here turn out fine!

Why does your MIL think your DD will be pushed to grow up fast? I assume the childcare is age appropriate?!

I wonder if your MIL has had some bad experience in the past. Her reaction sounds rather extreme.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 22/07/2018 19:42

To be fair mil is very involved and does lots of interesting things with dd goes out exploring etc and up until now it's been great but her health and the health of my fil means we need to get a more solid plan in place as chopping and changing due to appointments and them feeling unwell is difficult to manage

OP posts:
lozengeoflove · 22/07/2018 19:43

Both your MIL and SIL are cretins I’m afraid. Please ignore their bizarre outburst and carry on. 30 free hours of childcare is a wonderful thing to have.

I’m not sure what exactly the issue is with children going to an EYFS setting, learning through play, socialising with other children, learning about mathematical and literary concepts that will form the foundations for the rest of their education, spending time with practicioners who know how to look after and educate children, and being part of lunch club and learning through it a plethora of social constructs around sharing, eating in groups, healthy eating etc.

Perhaps they could have a look at what is on offer at nurseries, before they start casting ridiculous aspersions.

MorrisDancingViv · 22/07/2018 19:45

Well it's none of her business is it?

My MIL is currently tutting because dd is starting nursery in Sept (15 hours) and is doing 2.5 days per week. Apparently, as I'm a sahm, there is no need for dd to go at all, and if she does, then half days are preferable Hmm. (I receive no childcare help whatsoever apart from when DP is at home and expecting dc2 in dec) .

Rebecca36 · 22/07/2018 19:47

No, you are doing the right thing. Pay no attention to anyone else, you'll all be better off in the long run.

Audreyhelp · 22/07/2018 19:48

To be honest I think children do get pushed into nursery too early. School comes soon enough nothing wrong with going to Tesco’s you can learn lots from these sort of trips.
But as you pointed out she just missed the deadline of school so one of the older ones.

My grandson does 9 to 3 every day and gets very tired .

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 22/07/2018 19:50

Audrey--I'd love to take her to Tescos but unfortunately I have to go to work and the lady who used to do that sort of thing with her (mil) has had unexpected health difficulties so can't

OP posts:
mamansnet · 22/07/2018 19:51

My MIL accused me of "dumping" my child because I wanted to put him in nursery 2 days a week.

So I dumped her instead.

DS just started FT with a childminder last week because 1) I'm losing the plot as a SAHM and 2) will be going back to uni in September. He's doing 50 hours a week. I feel guilty as hell, but I have no family nearby and do this is the first real break I've had since he was born.

Thing is, I see a huge difference in him every time he comes home. He is learning skills from the other kids and knows how to be sociable. I'd much rather he be like that than be at home with a miserable parent (me) who spends the day in Tesco for want of something better to do.

Happy mum = happy home. Don't let MIL and SIL make you feel guilty, you're doing nothing wrong!

Audreyhelp · 22/07/2018 19:54

I wasn’t getting at your op someone else said it was dull. If you need to work then 30 hours free is a godsend.

hibbledibble · 22/07/2018 19:54

It really is none of their business!

Utilising the 30 free hours is nothing to feel guilty about, in fact there is considerable evidence to say that good quality childcare is of benefit to children. Of course children can still thrive at home, but parents should not be made to feel guilty about their childcare choices, especially as for many it isn't a choice (having to work to be able to afford housing and bills)

Beanbag12 · 22/07/2018 19:54

Don’t feel bad at all. My little boy was about 3 and a half when we started using all the 30 hours, full day at the childminders, then 2 full days and 2 half days at Preschool. He is going up to reception in September and he is so ready for it, thanks to the great foundation both his childminder and Preschool has given him. He loved Preschool and made so many friends. I know what it’s like to have unreliable childcare and it’s stressful for all involved, your MIL should be happy that some pressure has been taken off her and you’ve done something proactive about it.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 22/07/2018 20:00

Audrey - I didn't take your post that way at all I genuinely would love my mil to continue having dd as much as she has been but it's just not possible

OP posts:
OneStepSideways · 22/07/2018 20:01

I think nursery is very good for most children. Unless they have lots of siblings or cousins around, pre school children must get lonely and bored without others their age to play with. Even if you go to toddler groups, it's only a couple of hours per day. Being at home with a parent or traipsing round shops isn't very exciting or sociable, whereas nursery is all geared to their age group. Far more stimulating! They also learn to be part of a group, follow a routine, ask different adults for help etc. Out of my friendship circle, the toddlers who don't go to nursery or only go once a week are much clingier and quieter.

lrh3891 · 22/07/2018 20:06

Meh, they are being completely ridiculous.

Nursery is fantastic for children, as long as their home life is also good. Mine has been in full time (8:30-5) childcare since 10 months and is perfectly happy and well adjusted. Runs gleefully in in the morning and had to be dragged away in the afternoon - and is only 20 months now. Talks incessantly about the other children there, and has learned SO many new skills. At the same time I have been able to go back to work, allowing my career to flourish. I have money coming in, I am fulfilled on a professional as well as personal level, and everyone's happy.

Don't spend even a second feeling guilty. They are ridiculous.