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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off with my husband

55 replies

HopeSpringsEternal2017 · 22/07/2018 13:47

Due to health issues he has been medically retired. I work 45 hrs a week in a stressful job. We have a 13yr old with ADHD and ASD who only attends school for 3 hours a day and has lots of health issues.

I have quite bad depression at the moment so I'm genuinely unsure if I'm being unreasonable here.

I am out the house from 6.30 till 5/6/7 pm every day depending what time I can leave and if I've had to take time off for any of hospital appointments with the child. DH is home all day unless he goes golf. We have a cleaner 2 hours a week to do the majority of the cleaning. DH appears to sit watching tv all day until about 20 minutes before I come home, at which point he starts prepping dinner/ feeding the rabbits/tidying up. The dog has not been walked so I end up going straight back out to walk him, I do the clean out of the rabbits every weekend, I do all the hospital appointments which can be up to 4 a week and ironing as well as paying bills and ordering anything online, managing the calender. When I come home from work after walking the dog and doing any paperwork as well as ferrying the child to any after school activites. I gladly sit on my fat ass and gladly do sweet fa!

I can ignore the moans that he cooks dinner everyday. I can ignore the jibes that he feeds the pets. But what is starting to fuck me off is he won't listen when I ask him not to do something. If it's something he has to do like go and buy a bulb from a shop that is only open when I am at work it can wait indefinitely (sitting on the dinning room table for 4 months and counting so far) but if I ask him to leave something alone he wont - DLA paperwork I had spent hours on but was waiting for a supporting statement went in the bin. Clothes waiting for SIL and a friend to pick what they wanted before charity shopping the rest went in the bin after 3 days. He also changes plans at the last minute without telling me or double booking us because he forgot we had plans even though they are on the callender.

He also starts doing things around me as soon as I start doing something - tidying the kitchen he will come and make food. Have a shower he will need a poo. I just started to clean out the rabbits and despite me choosing to do it when he was occupied in another task he immediately stops what he's doing to do a job that means he is in my way!

He is kind and caring and will do anything I ask of him. Always puts others before himself and has 100's of redeaming quality that I won't put down because it will spoil my vent! AIBU I find him so bloody frustrating at the moment?

Ps he's health conditions do not impede he's ability in any way

OP posts:
73kittycat73 · 22/07/2018 13:59

He sounds like a pain in the arse to be honest. I'm surprised you haven't snapped at him yet. I don't know how you could resolve the situation? Good luck, I hope someone more helpful pops along soon!

bluebeck · 22/07/2018 14:04

If he can play golf he can walk the dog.

Do his health issues stop him taking DS for his appts?

I think he would drive me insane to be honest Flowers

cmlover · 22/07/2018 14:09

if he's so great that hell do anything you ask him to why not ask him to walk the dog, leave the paper work alone and help tidy in the day

pinkyredrose · 22/07/2018 14:20

Kind, caring and does anything you ask? Are you talking about someone else?

Would it help to have jobs divided up on a rota?

Nikephorus · 22/07/2018 14:25

If he can play golf he can walk the dog.
This ^^^!
He is kind and caring and will do anything I ask of him
Well that's not true as if you ASK him to refrain from doing something he ignores you. If he's well enough to play golf then he's well enough to do lots of stuff around the house (and you wouldn't need a cleaner!). Has he been diagnosed with Bone Idleness by any chance?

purplerain000 · 22/07/2018 14:43

He should be walking the dog, cleaning rabbits and taking your son to the hospital tbh.

adaline · 22/07/2018 14:45

Why can't he walk the dog? If he's well enough to play golf he's well enough to take a dog for a walk.

And why can't he clean the rabbits or take your son to appointments? Unless he can no longer drive, in which case he can get he bus!

YearOfYouRemember · 22/07/2018 14:46

He doesn't sound kind and caring.

Gruffalina72 · 22/07/2018 14:48

will do anything I ask of him

You mean apart from when he's deliberately sabotaging you and ignoring what you've asked him to do, right?

Not surprised you've got depression.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 22/07/2018 14:52

He doesn't work but has a cleaner and a wife who takes responsibility for walking the dog, child's appointments/activities, ironing and general life admin...sounds like he's got a great life! Sign me up! Meanwhile you're run ragged working long hours as the sole breadwinner and doing all the above...and he has the gall to "moan" about having to make dinner?? I'm sure he has his good points but I wouldn't characterise his behaviour as "kind and caring" to he honest. He sounds very selfish.

I'm sorry OP but I think he's taking advantage. If his health issues don't prevent him from golfing then there's no reason why he can't walk the dog, clean out the rabbits as an absolute minimum. He should also be doing his share of DS's appointments and activities.

GrumpyOldBlonde · 22/07/2018 14:58

He really doesn't sound kind and caring tbh, he sounds a pain in the arse and a bit useless. I'd have depression too I think, you have a lot on your plate and he just makes it harder by the sounds of it.

trojanpony · 22/07/2018 15:59

kind and caring... will do anything I ask of him

Really!?!? Hmm because you point out it’s taken 4 months for him to Not change a lightbulb...

I can ignore the jibes that he feeds the pets.

the dog has not been walked

then moans that he cooks dinner every day

He sounds like unkind and lazy and like he is a total headwreck. Sabotaging and gas lighting you while he does practically nothing round the house despite having huge bandwidth to organise and manage the running of the household.

I’d have fucking depression if I was living your life.

What are you getting from this relationship???

Larrythecat · 22/07/2018 15:59

I think he follows you so he can do a task that you will notice (in front of you), so you can't say he does nothing (hey, you saw me making dinner, etc).

A long term chronic condition has a great effect on MH. Maybe he feels "useless" and has switched off mentally from doing anything because "he's not well" and he might think you manage. You need to sit down and have a discussion on what things he won't be expected to do because of his illness, and what things he can do because the illness does not affect that. Make a fair division of those tasks he can perform. I think he's been comfortably mothered and is acting like a child, you are still in charge of everything, he takes no mental load (including remembering what those documents were for) and "helps around" instead of contributing fairly. You need to make a clear division of tasks, ideally on a board.

Greenyogagirl · 22/07/2018 16:03

‘He is kind and caring and will do anything I ask of him. Always puts others before himself’
Except you. And your child. And the dog.
He sounds like a complete dick to be honest, if he can play golf he can walk the dog, take child to hospital/activities and help you out more

Ivorbig1 · 22/07/2018 16:21

House keeping is a necessary role that he is avoiding if he waits 20 minutes until you are due before he gets of his arse. Sit down together and agree on things that need doing. He does what he is expected whilst you do what you are expected.

Ivorbig1 · 22/07/2018 16:21

He’s being a little lazy and unfair.

Loopytiles · 22/07/2018 16:22

You have a cocklodger.

StripeyDeckchair · 22/07/2018 16:30

He sounds like a lazy *** bloke
If one person in a partnership isn't working then by default they do more stuff at home and they certainly do hospital appointments for DC.
Sounds like he's got an easy life with you doing all the work.

Doingreat · 22/07/2018 16:30

This would drive me mad. He's making your life harder on purpose. Why do you put up with this?

Doingreat · 22/07/2018 16:31

I couldn't agree more with stripeydeckchair

Fishface77 · 22/07/2018 16:32

He’s not kind and caring he’s a manipulative miserable shit.

Fishface77 · 22/07/2018 16:32

Gosh that helped op sorry!Blush

Maelstrop · 22/07/2018 16:35

You have a shower, he needs a poo? No, give him fair warning and tell him the door will be locked and you will not be getting out of the shower to open it. You clean the rabbits (should be his job) and he does s9 thing that gets in your way? Down tools and tell him to finish the rabbit cleaning as he’s so determined to be in your way.

He’s not nice or considerate, OP, he’s being a twat.

Doingreat · 22/07/2018 17:25

He sounds competitive. And yes like pp said he sounds like a miserable shit

Ellisandra · 22/07/2018 17:30

He’ll do anything you ask?
So at what point did you ask him to be a total fucking arsehole then?

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