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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off with my husband

55 replies

HopeSpringsEternal2017 · 22/07/2018 13:47

Due to health issues he has been medically retired. I work 45 hrs a week in a stressful job. We have a 13yr old with ADHD and ASD who only attends school for 3 hours a day and has lots of health issues.

I have quite bad depression at the moment so I'm genuinely unsure if I'm being unreasonable here.

I am out the house from 6.30 till 5/6/7 pm every day depending what time I can leave and if I've had to take time off for any of hospital appointments with the child. DH is home all day unless he goes golf. We have a cleaner 2 hours a week to do the majority of the cleaning. DH appears to sit watching tv all day until about 20 minutes before I come home, at which point he starts prepping dinner/ feeding the rabbits/tidying up. The dog has not been walked so I end up going straight back out to walk him, I do the clean out of the rabbits every weekend, I do all the hospital appointments which can be up to 4 a week and ironing as well as paying bills and ordering anything online, managing the calender. When I come home from work after walking the dog and doing any paperwork as well as ferrying the child to any after school activites. I gladly sit on my fat ass and gladly do sweet fa!

I can ignore the moans that he cooks dinner everyday. I can ignore the jibes that he feeds the pets. But what is starting to fuck me off is he won't listen when I ask him not to do something. If it's something he has to do like go and buy a bulb from a shop that is only open when I am at work it can wait indefinitely (sitting on the dinning room table for 4 months and counting so far) but if I ask him to leave something alone he wont - DLA paperwork I had spent hours on but was waiting for a supporting statement went in the bin. Clothes waiting for SIL and a friend to pick what they wanted before charity shopping the rest went in the bin after 3 days. He also changes plans at the last minute without telling me or double booking us because he forgot we had plans even though they are on the callender.

He also starts doing things around me as soon as I start doing something - tidying the kitchen he will come and make food. Have a shower he will need a poo. I just started to clean out the rabbits and despite me choosing to do it when he was occupied in another task he immediately stops what he's doing to do a job that means he is in my way!

He is kind and caring and will do anything I ask of him. Always puts others before himself and has 100's of redeaming quality that I won't put down because it will spoil my vent! AIBU I find him so bloody frustrating at the moment?

Ps he's health conditions do not impede he's ability in any way

OP posts:
PositiveVibez · 22/07/2018 17:34

He sounds like a gaslighting tosspot.

Want2bSupermum · 22/07/2018 17:37

YANBU but…you are both dealing with some serious issues and clearly he isn't handling them well. I say this as a parent of 2DC with ASD, one with ADD, ASD, anxiety and oppositional defiance. It's absolutely exhausting.

You need professional help as a couple. We are in the US and the unit which cares for the DC was very clear that we as a couple must attend parent counseling. DH was very skeptical at first but it was very good and has helped us cope with all the issues that come with have a special needs child.

Everyone deals with things differently and my DH didn't do well after we were told our DD had her diagnosis. I had managed to pull him through the diagnosis of DS but having a 2nd child diagnosed while I was pregnant with our third just about put him over the edge. That therapy after our first really helped a lot. We went back individually and together. DH suppressed his emotions with alcohol, work and food. I've spoke with other parents in the program and they have shared that their OHs have done much like your DH has done. I really don't think it's that uncommon unfortunately.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/07/2018 17:37

YANBU to be pissed off, no.
What the actual fuck was he thinking to bin paperwork for DLA/PIP?? Stupid bastard!

If he's not incapacitated by his medical condition such that he can play golf, then he can bloody well walk the dog as well, lazy arse.

He's playing you for a fool, OP. :(

Thesearepearls · 22/07/2018 17:39

I think you just need clear demarcation for jobs TBH - it works much better! You have to have a strict rule - that the other person MUST NOT INTERFERE!

So your DH should for example be responsible for all laundry - he's at home and therefore he can sort that out. The dog walking - well it might be good if you do that for your general fitness etc. The medical appointments for your DS - why should you do those? Cleaning the rabbit hutches sounds like a job for your DH.

Cooking and shopping are two jobs that naturally go together (the person doing the shopping knows what they are going to cook).

And so on

Your DH actually sounds rather lovely if a bit bumbling. He can't help that, after all he's only a man.

Ellisandra · 22/07/2018 17:41

“after all he’s only a man”

Fucksake.

Reporting that as sexist claptrap.

madcatladyforever · 22/07/2018 17:41

he would be pushing up daisies under the patio if he was married to me.

Thesearepearls · 22/07/2018 17:50

It was intended as a joke - I apologise if I have caused you offence Ellisandra

borlottibeans · 22/07/2018 17:51

That sounds absolutely infuriating.

For context, my husband isn't able to work full time for health reasons and I have a stressful job sometimes with very long days. He does almost all the cooking and laundry and organises the online shop (he can't drive), and we clean together at weekends. It didn't happen like this organically though - this is the result of a lot of shouting constructive arguing to find the balance that means neither of us feels put upon.

The other stuff - following you around, basically - I think is due to him lacking adult company during the day, whereas if you're anything like me you've had enough of other people while at work and need a break. I've not found a solution to that yet.

Lilacwine1 · 22/07/2018 17:53

Strangers on a Train, Alfred Hitchcock..........I will, if you will.

Seniorschoolmum · 22/07/2018 17:56

I agree with MinisterforCF, he’s got a lovely life, being completely idle and with you at his beck & call.

You need to have a serious conversation.

CaledonianQueen · 22/07/2018 17:57

I th8nk I might actually hit my husband over the head with a frying pan if he threw away my ds’s almost complete DLA forms! Or mine! I bet he didn’t lose his own papers for his medical discharge!

Does his medical discharge mean he is unable to work at any job? Or just his normal job? Could he look into a less active job? Or a volunteer role? Is he also on the Spectrum?

Do you think his working around you and needing the loo when you are in the shower are his way of spending time with you/ wanting attention?

I would have to sit down with my dh and point out what was driving me crazy! Do you only have one bathroom? (We do)If you don’t I would be telling your dh to take himself off to the other loo or tell him he would just have to wait! My ds is autistic and when he wants to spend time with me he can behave very similarly. It’s like just being in the same room makes him happy. I don’t mind as he is my ds, but I know it can annoy dh or dd.

Lynne1Cat · 22/07/2018 18:00

To be completely blunt, he sounds bone-idle. He can go and play golf but can't walk the dog? The poor dog. You see to all the stuff in the house/with the kids and pets, yet he's at home all day? Fuck that, give him a written list of what he needs to do when you're at work.

borlottibeans · 22/07/2018 18:06

Just to add, we had to have the conversation about wife work over and over again until he understood that actually going out to buy the fucking light bulb without waiting for me to tell him what/where/how was part of "changing the light bulb" - the actual standing on the chair and swapping them over is just the end game. Similarly what he needed was for me to jump in on a Saturday morning after he'd had a bad week, and break down the enormity of the kitchen mess into something we could deal with together.

I sound like a nightmare but honestly it was worth getting everything out in the open so neither of us were quietly seething and expecting the other to notice how annoyed we were.

Thesearepearls · 22/07/2018 18:11

Hang on a minute - this chap has been medically retired. You are all equating him with someone without a serious (must be serious) health condition.

My DH has a health condition which is lifelong and incurable and degenerative although it is stable ATM. You cannot think that a medically retired DH at home is equivalent to having your DHs at home. Because it's not equivalent to having a full strength DH at home.

If the OP's DH can play a round of golf - I bet it's 9 holes and not the full 18 - it's recuperative for him.

eightfacesofthemoon · 22/07/2018 18:16

@Thesearepearls
I would imagine if that were the case, she wouldn’t be on here talking about him.
She would have realised he has a serious medical condition and can’t do anything to help aside from a round of golf even if it’s a 9 holeHmm

Thesearepearls · 22/07/2018 18:19

Don't be an arse - the OP stated that her husband was medically retired

How many perfectly healthy people get to be medically retired? Like none nowadays.

We don't know about the OP's DH health condition and sometimes living with someone with a health condition can be infuriating and you think they are swinging the lead when you are tired, and have to take care of a million things.

pissedonatrain · 22/07/2018 18:23

cocklodger.

he needs to get off his lazy arse and keep up with the house.

What is his medical condition where he can be bone idle when something needs to be done but perfectly well to golf?

So many women out there with serious health issues and they still trudge along with very little help with any doing all the child care, cleaning, cooking, and working outside jobs.

Prestonsflowers · 22/07/2018 18:24

@Lilacwine1
😂😂😂
Love your suggestion

Loopytiles · 22/07/2018 18:33

OP has said that his health condition(s) don’t prevent him doing day to day stuff.

That does seem inconsistent with him having got formal medical retirement with pension paid etc, since in most pension schemes there is a “high bar” for that and far more people with health issues are sacked or made redundant than get medical retirement.

ENormaSnob · 22/07/2018 18:41

You're a mug.

eightfacesofthemoon · 22/07/2018 18:45

The medically retired bit is a red herring
If he was seriously ill. Why is going for a shit when she needs a shower?
Why is he throwing away her important documents.
Why is he deliberately getting in her way when she’s trying to do a task.
What part of having a medical condition makes those actions acceptable

Nikephorus · 22/07/2018 19:08

If he can manage 9 holes of golf then he can have a leisurely walk with a dog regardless of any medical condition.

Larrythecat · 22/07/2018 19:46

I am wondering if his condition has to do with epilepsy and that is why he doesn't want to walk the dog but he'd be ok to play golf, as if he loses consciousness he could lose the dog but it wouldn't matter if he misses a ball, IYKWIM? It would make sense then that he starts to do stuff when OP arrives and that he follows her around. Maybe he is secretly scared of injuring himself and he tries to have OP around just in case he falls / lose consciousness?

I just think that if he's ill enough that he can't work, there might be certain tasks that he can't do?

Larrythecat · 22/07/2018 19:47

Certain epileptic attacks make you have absences. He could have thrown away the stuff during one?

Butterymuffin · 22/07/2018 19:55

Golf involves a lot of walking and standing, even if only playing 9 holes. If he can do that he can do moderate dog walking.