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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? DP thinks I'm a bad person for doing this

503 replies

youmustneverbreakthechain · 22/07/2018 09:50

Long time lurker, first time poster.

This is long, but please bear with me!

I’m willing to be told IABU but I don’t think I have been. I’d really would like some opinions as my partner is currently not really talking to me, apart from responding to my questions arsely, and thinks I have ‘attitude problems’ with regards to this issue. I wrote this yesterday and he’s still not speaking to me properly:

Background: DP has a lovely grown up daughter from previous relationship (ended over 15 years ago). She has a daughter (6yrs), and is in a relationship with a guy (perhaps for two years now although we’ve known him for around 18 months) who also has a young daughter. My DP and I have a DS, (5yrs). We see my DP’s grown up daughter maybe once every month/6 weeks, either just her with her own daughter, or with her partner and his daughter too (but she has often been at her mums when we meet). We all have a very nice relationship together, we all get on well etc.

My DP’s DD invited our son and us to her partner’s daughter’s fourth birthday party, which is, of course, really lovely. I already had booked and paid for a class/event thing before the invite so said I couldn’t, but no problem, my DP was going to take our DS. I had my plans, he and DS had theirs. All good.

Last night DS is sick. Vomiting etc, and this morning still pretty much high temp, sleepy, unhappy. So he sadly can’t go to the birthday party this afternoon.

However, my DP said ‘you know if he’s not better by this afternoon, I’ll have to still go’ meaning that although he was originally taking DS this afternoon, he now wants me to miss my class (that is non refundable and a one off thing - it’s not something that is planned to be repeated) to look after sick DS, so he could go to his daughter’s partner’s DD’s 4th birthday party.

I said that I already had plans that couldn’t be changed, my class/event was not refundable (materials had to be bought) and was a one off. And that I’d still be going. DP was pissed off and thinks I’m out of order. He thinks it is more important that he go to the party and see his daughter, so I said why didn’t he go up earlier to see them, and come back in time, or go and see them for breakfast tomorrow morning (to which he replied ‘don’t be so ridiculous’ although it’s something absolutely viable).

Anyway, he is pissed off, and leaves the house and says he’ll be home in time for when I have to leave for my event. Transpires he’s going to go up there to see them before the party (which I had suggested anyway).

He gets home, still pissed off with me. I go to my class, come back and he’s still pissed off with me. Not engaging properly when I try and talk to him. I ask him if he’s going to be arsey to me all evening. He thinks my attitude is out of order as I should have cancelled my event (losing my money) as him going to the 4th birthday party trumped my class/event and I should have forgone it and stayed at home to look after DS. Later when he’s had a few beers he says he’s started to hate me (because I’m so out of order).

AIBU to have gone to my class/event? I don’t think I am because my event was 1) booked and paid for before the birthday party invite 2) my son (who was the main reason to go, it being a kids party) was ill and he was meant to be caring for him this afternoon originally and 3) that there were alternatives for him to see his daughter and her family (whilst there weren’t alternatives for re-doing my event and it was not refundable).

I am willing to be told IABU (just be gentle with me!) OR is he BU for saying I’m wrong and thinking I’ve got a bad attitude/I’m out of order (and continuing to be being angry with me)? He's starting to make me question myself, am I a bad person?

The ironic thing being his daughter is lovely and would have completely understood the situation.

OP posts:
Marmablade · 22/07/2018 14:28

Errr why is it OP's responsibility to look after their DS? DP was going to do it and OP would be at her class. DS is sick and can't go to the party so DP should still be looking after him!

If this was a dad with a hobby would he be expected to cancel it??

Sallystyle · 22/07/2018 14:28

I think the real issues is that he has been abusive in the past and he is doing it again now.

timeisnotaline · 22/07/2018 14:32

I do think we should all take a moment to appreciate boxset. Coming onto a thread with a number of nutty posters (family are all important, so the dp should dump his plans to be the one looking after his own son as the child isn’t well Hmm, the dp coming out with the totally OTT I hate you- because he had to look after his own child suddenly demonstrates he has abandonment issues and needs tlc?))
And here comes boxset, sees this and thinks ‘you call these people nutters - hold my drink. If a child is sick both parents should drop everything and stay home with them!’
YANBU OP. I hope he’s stopped sulking and getting on board with the fact that you aren’t the default parent.

Mix56 · 22/07/2018 14:36

How old is this idiot ?

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 22/07/2018 14:37

Ok, Op cutting through all the crap posted on here by people who appear to have problems with reading and comprehension and who keep asking questions you answered in your opening post, making things up presumably based on projection & the overly sentimental: You were not BU, your partner (no dear) behaved like a spoiled brat who, when he didn't get his own way declared he hated you. I would find it hard to take the highground and would tell him that this has made you question your relationship with him. I would find it hard to forgive & forget that statement and wonder if I wanted to live with someone who just assumes wife/parent work is all down to you.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 22/07/2018 14:38

I wouldn’t expect anyone to go to a kids party if the invited child was ill. As soon as DS was too ill to go it makes no sense for your DH to go.

girlywhirly · 22/07/2018 14:39

OP, your update is very telling. Making you doubt yourself in lots of situations and the sulky hating behaviour is the abuse re-emerging. Woe betide the man should have to care for his sick child, because it gets in the way of his enjoyment of the day. The compromise of seeing DD and her DD on the morning of the party and give the present was a compromise anyone else would be satisfied with.

Is there favouritism of the DD over DS? And I wonder if there is history repeating itself, was he a very hands on parent or not with DD as a child and do you know how the relationship with her mother failed, was he abusive then? Ask him why is is somehow unable or unwilling to care for his sick child.

Bibesia · 22/07/2018 14:44

Bluntness, why should there have been any discussion? OP's husband had agreed to look after his child, there is no logical reason whatsoever why that should change just because the child is sick.

Nor has OP anywhere suggested she doesn't want to look after her child. Have you missed the bit where she happily looked after him on her own whilst her husband went out? She simply wanted to go to the pre-arranged one-off paid for class that it had previously been agreed she should go to. If wanting to go out once in a while to do your own thing means that you no longer want to look after your child, I suspect virtually every parent on MN is guilty.

Bluntness100 · 22/07/2018 14:52

Well as as a two career couple who had to juggle this, we always discussed, neither of us dictated, and of course the child being sick changed things, it meant he had to miss the party and the plan was to take the child there. I think you know this.

People are free to handle communication in their relationships as works for them. My experience is dictating doesn't work, and their communication is off, they treat each other badly. She may have good reason to dictate to him. He may have good reason to hate her. Either way my view is they are not in a great place.

When your partner tells you they are starting to hate you, then it's nigh on the end.

Jezebel101 · 22/07/2018 14:53

Sorry to tell you OP, but your partner is a dick.

No, you're not unreasonable. At all.

Shumpalumpa · 22/07/2018 14:57

Bluntness, I usually agree with you but I think you''ve got things the wrong way round here.

The first post says the DH said: ‘you know if he’s not better by this afternoon, I’ll have to still go’ meaning that although he was originally taking DS this afternoon, he now wants me to miss my class (that is non refundable and a one off thing'

It is the DH who dictated to OP here. Maybe if he had tried to communicate with OP and said 'I know you have plans but it's really important for me to go to this party, please could you take care of DS? I will take care of DS next Sunday instead', OP may have felt differently about things?

Bluntness100 · 22/07/2018 15:01

My point is neither communicated well. He said he was still going, she informed him she was, he said he is starting to hate her.

I'm not saying she shouldn't have went, I'm not saying he communicated well. My point is they treat each other badly. Neither communicated well and they both resent each other.

wagil · 22/07/2018 15:03

I think it was TheDowagerCuntess who posted earlier that this is one of those painful to read threads. I couldn't agree more, it's full of assumptions from people who believe that shoving their opinions on here is far more important than reading thoroughly what the OP has actually said.

So many posters with an axe to grind, so fucking depressing.

Sallystyle · 22/07/2018 15:04

When your partner tells you they are starting to hate you, then it's nigh on the end.

It is what abusive men do. He was abusive, looks like he still is.

That's why he said he hated her. Not because of the way OP communicated but because he is an abusive man and he didn't get his own way.

Bibesia · 22/07/2018 15:04

Well as as a two career couple who had to juggle this, we always discussed, neither of us dictated

Would you have had a discussion about it if you already had a perfectly sensible arrangement in place and there was no valid reason to change it, Bluntness?

0nTheEdge · 22/07/2018 15:06

Sorry OP, i obviously don't know you or your husband, but when I read the part about him saying he was starting to hate you I did a little gasp and thought 'what a nasty bastard'. Your update makes a lot of sense, this is not how people usually communicate or deal with things. He sounds horrible. And I totally get why you're second guessing yourself and seeking reassurance on what is reasonable. IMO you were totally reasonable and came up with a perfect compromise.

Sallystyle · 22/07/2018 15:06

My point is they treat each other badly

Well, we know he treats her badly due to the fact that he had to get help for his abuse.

Sallystyle · 22/07/2018 15:09

But as a result I often truly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable in some occasions - I mean, of course I am often! Because aren’t we all. But my ability every now and then to judge situations changed and it makes me question myself

This says it all too.

He's a nasty man and you have done nothing wrong OP. Please do not doubt yourself.

Shumpalumpa · 22/07/2018 15:09

Bluntness, I think it's unfair to say OP treats her DH badly as well, given the background that her DH usually dictates that she has to be the default parent (e.g. she always has to take time off work when their DS is sick). I really can't fault OP for standing her ground on this occasion, especially as this class is a one-off.

And OP did try and find a compromise by saying DH goes to see his daughter and DSGD before the party and her class.

Sallystyle · 22/07/2018 15:11

Bluntness, I think it's unfair to say OP treats her DH badly as well

It is more than unfair, it is awful.

Especially in light of her update that he 'was' abusive.

Bluntness100 · 22/07/2018 15:13

Ok, as said, I don't think they communicate well and I think they resent each other.

However if it is she always gives in and he is abusive, then she has much bigger problems than this event and she needs to make plans to leave with her child. He cannot hear his parents arguing about not wishing to care for him.

KittyHawke80 · 22/07/2018 15:14

Another loony one. You’re not being the least bit U. It’s a hell of a stretch to call the four-year-old daughter of a man with whom his daughter had been going out for less than two years, a ‘step-granddaughter’. Non-one needs ‘support’ in that situation, at any rate. He didn’t need to be there. Your course was paid for. You were always going to it; he was already caring for your child. The only thing that changed was that the precise place and nature of that care, changed a bit. If he’s that bothered, he could offer to take his daughter, her bloke, and bloke’s four year old out for pizza or ice-cream, another time. He’s being a dick and I’m wondering if there’s something else afoot. You’ve stopped him drinking? You’ve stopped him seeing someone?

timeisnotaline · 22/07/2018 15:16

bluntness what you said was She may have good reason to dictate to him. He may have good reason to hate her
He dictated to her. She responded and didn’t let him, good for her. What you say translates to anything she said that wasn’t agreeing to cancel her plans was dictating to him as it would have been saying no I won’t.

Bluntness100 · 22/07/2018 15:23

Honestly, don't make this about attacking me. I'm happy to say I'm wrong, she has made it clear she is with an abusive man, as such she is right to have stood up to him and she should leave.

BeUpStanding · 22/07/2018 15:36

No idea how this has run to 15 pages but based on your OP, you are definitely not being unreasonable at all. Your partner is being bang out of order.