AIBU? DP thinks I'm a bad person for doing this

[youmustneverbreakthechain]

Long time lurker, first time poster.

This is long, but please bear with me!

I’m willing to be told IABU but I don’t think I have been. I’d really would like some opinions as my partner is currently not really talking to me, apart from responding to my questions arsely, and thinks I have ‘attitude problems’ with regards to this issue. I wrote this yesterday and he’s still not speaking to me properly:

Background: DP has a lovely grown up daughter from previous relationship (ended over 15 years ago). She has a daughter (6yrs), and is in a relationship with a guy (perhaps for two years now although we’ve known him for around 18 months) who also has a young daughter. My DP and I have a DS, (5yrs). We see my DP’s grown up daughter maybe once every month/6 weeks, either just her with her own daughter, or with her partner and his daughter too (but she has often been at her mums when we meet). We all have a very nice relationship together, we all get on well etc.

My DP’s DD invited our son and us to her partner’s daughter’s fourth birthday party, which is, of course, really lovely. I already had booked and paid for a class/event thing before the invite so said I couldn’t, but no problem, my DP was going to take our DS. I had my plans, he and DS had theirs. All good.

Last night DS is sick. Vomiting etc, and this morning still pretty much high temp, sleepy, unhappy. So he sadly can’t go to the birthday party this afternoon.

However, my DP said ‘you know if he’s not better by this afternoon, I’ll have to still go’ meaning that although he was originally taking DS this afternoon, he now wants me to miss my class (that is non refundable and a one off thing - it’s not something that is planned to be repeated) to look after sick DS, so he could go to his daughter’s partner’s DD’s 4th birthday party.

I said that I already had plans that couldn’t be changed, my class/event was not refundable (materials had to be bought) and was a one off. And that I’d still be going. DP was pissed off and thinks I’m out of order. He thinks it is more important that he go to the party and see his daughter, so I said why didn’t he go up earlier to see them, and come back in time, or go and see them for breakfast tomorrow morning (to which he replied ‘don’t be so ridiculous’ although it’s something absolutely viable).

Anyway, he is pissed off, and leaves the house and says he’ll be home in time for when I have to leave for my event. Transpires he’s going to go up there to see them before the party (which I had suggested anyway).

He gets home, still pissed off with me. I go to my class, come back and he’s still pissed off with me. Not engaging properly when I try and talk to him. I ask him if he’s going to be arsey to me all evening. He thinks my attitude is out of order as I should have cancelled my event (losing my money) as him going to the 4th birthday party trumped my class/event and I should have forgone it and stayed at home to look after DS. Later when he’s had a few beers he says he’s started to hate me (because I’m so out of order).

AIBU to have gone to my class/event? I don’t think I am because my event was 1) booked and paid for before the birthday party invite 2) my son (who was the main reason to go, it being a kids party) was ill and he was meant to be caring for him this afternoon originally and 3) that there were alternatives for him to see his daughter and her family (whilst there weren’t alternatives for re-doing my event and it was not refundable).

I am willing to be told IABU (just be gentle with me!) OR is he BU for saying I’m wrong and thinking I’ve got a bad attitude/I’m out of order (and continuing to be being angry with me)? He's starting to make me question myself, am I a bad person?

The ironic thing being his daughter is lovely and would have completely understood the situation.

Yes botanic maybe the heats gettin to some people! dowager I thought the same the 'so' is a giveaway. Might be a martyr there... Anyway slane OP made sure her dc was looked after and dp didn't put his sick child first. As for saying 'I hate you' again isn't the dh acting like a 4 yr old? I wonder if all of were in a group discussing this in rl how would play out? Quite funny really... Wonder if OP still here or given up or like ???

I can see both sides. You had a pre-arranged event and he wants to support his daughter. I think him going to visit prior to the party was a good compromise under the circumstances and so the situation should be considered resolved. (So he he should not still be annoyed)

Does he often behave like this when he doesn't get his own way?
Out of curiosity do you have joint finances, i.e would he have suffered the loss of money for the class if you had missed it, or just you?

I think he is being very unreasonable in terms of the ask, and in terms of his response to you saying no.
I also don't think this behaviour has come out of the blue.

Hello OP - could you please clarify which parent the little, birthday actually lives with?
Sorry if I've missed this from earlier postings.

That would be "little, birthday girl"

I am the one who always has to change my pla plans to ns if DS is sick (take time of work etc).

THIS is the real reason why he's being an arse - he had to rearrange his plans in order to parent his own child for a change!

Why have you been putting up with him shirking his responsibility for so long?
You enable his selfish ways and tolerate his stinking attitude - why?
I'll tell you know, no matter how much you feel you love him he's actually a dickhead who's doing a proper number on you!

All these 'family is important' cliches are just shit he spouts to look righteous.
he's constantly showing you through his lack of actions that he cares more about his own selfish wants than being an equally responsible parent......your family unit is not important to him.

i'd tell him straight to grow the fuck up or fuck off.....a grown man throwing a tantrum and sulking at not being able to attend a stranger's 4th birthday is simply ridiculous.

Both parents got to do what they wanted to do. Dh drank whilst in care of dc what if he had to drive somewhere with dc say a 'n e?

He's acting like a baby, and being very rude to you.
You weren't BU at all.

YANBU! It's not his grandchild's birthday, the birthday child realistically wouldn't have missed him (although she still got to see him anyway if it DID matter!) and while it's a shame he misses the party, the fact is HIS SON is poorly. He'll just have to forego the four-year-old party palooza (do you think he wanted a party bag and a slice of cake? It sounds so incredibly immature!).

Hope your DS is feeling better.

Bet it would have been a different story entirely if it had been him having to miss a class he'd booked and paid for, eh.
He'd have done exactly what you did, no doubt.
But he'd have gone right off the deep end if you'd even thought about asking him to cancel so you could still go to a non-related 4yo's birthday party!

No, YWNBU. You had your plan, booked and paid for - his plan was to look after your/his son, regardless of how that was achieved. HWBU to think that, because your son was sick, care should default back to you just because you're the mother.

Fuck that! And as for him sulking now, well what very unpleasant behaviour. He saw his DD, which is what he wanted; he got to play doting step-DGP by taking the present early, and he still let you go to your class by actually turning up home again on time (which, I have to admit, I was concerned he wouldn't while reading your OP!)
I don't actually see what you did wrong, apart from refusing to revert to "parent in charge of sick child regardless of personal cost".

Tell him to grow the fuck up!

Doesn't matter what OP was booked to go to that day sje doesn't have to justify it. Could have been about how to make a sculpture of a giraffe out of recycled cups and used matchsticks for all it matters (quite enjoyed that one actually.... )

Shumpalumpa and U2 I think you’ve read the situation perfectly. And I agree that there are some serious pretzel shapes being produced to justify unreasonable positions.

OP no one starts to hate someone because they haven’t been able to attend one event. They might be disappointed. They might be irritated. But hate, no. He’s being unkind because in this instance he can’t control you. You really have to continue to stand your ground. Otherwise he will continue to ensure you always put HIS needs first.

so he could go to his daughter’s partner’s DD’s 4th birthday party.

Why does he even want to go to this child’s birthday party over looking after his sick child? His small child comes before his “step”grandchild and even his grown up child surely? DS was always going to be in his care today anyway, and he should honour that.

I think family should come before some event.

@slanetylor kids parties are for children. I don’t think holding a children party is any reflection on someone’s attitude to whether family is important or not. I don’t think anyone is disagreeing with you about family being important.

The ACTUAL party thing is maybe where we disagree, and perhaps how my OH feels, but you obviously think that actually attending the party itself is what’s important in showing how important family is, even when DS is sick and I had pre-booked plans, and even if he could still see them all beforehand. I guess where you think a party trumps in these circumstances, I thought a compromise where he STILL got see them and I get to do my one off thing as the more reasonable option. But thank you for your view. I do stand however by my comment that you have made many unfair and inaccurate assumptions. That is certainly true.

Thanks to all the others that have replied. I’m new to posting and realise that I’ve concentrated all my efforts in replying to Slane and not anyone else, so apologies for that. I didn’t realise how thick and fast replies come in. I have to go out now but I’ll do my best to reply when I can.

Very quickly though, to the poster who said we don’t ‘fight well’ - yes you are right. We both could improve on that. A long time ago we had serious problems on our relationship which did involve small scale abuse but my OH sought help for it. I didn’t want to mention it because it it all seemed sorted, and I don’t think it is why OH is pissed off, I and don’t want to blame that as a way of getting out of BU, if I am. But as a result I often truly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable in some occasions - I mean, of course I am often! Because aren’t we all. But my ability every now and then to judge situations changed and it makes me question myself - hence this post. I guess that makes it what you call a drip feed but honestly that was not my intention.

I appreciate all your views both supporting me and those who think IABU.

Hmm. Going to his daughter's partner's child trumps looking after his own child. Someone said when you have children you sometime have to miss things. But it was directed at the op. How about dada having to miss a party when his son is unwell?

smudgedlipstick, yes the sick child should come before an adult attending a 4 year olds birthday party I totally agree.

After all the debating as to who is unreasonable, the fact is while I am sure the little girl was happy to have her card and gift she would not have given a single shiny shite whether the OP’s partner was at the party.

@Otterseatpuffinsdontthey she lives at both

Even if this child was his granddaughter, his child still comes first. He has a legal and moral responsibilities towards his children (not grown up ones) before grandchildren.

I know that if I have a child in 20 years time (doubtful but you never know) and my grown up children have children of their own, I would have to put my small child first. Grandchildren have parents of their own. I definitely wouldn’t be putting my “son’s girlfriends child” before my own.

What a shame. I was reading the OP and thinking, 'this sounds like a nice modern set-up, everyone's happy and getting on, wonder what happened to make op's dp behave like this?'

It's clearly not at all modern though, it's the age-old story of a selfish man behaving unreasonably because he assumes it is a woman's job to look after their sick child, no matter how inconvenient it is to the woman, no matter that there's a perfectly workable compromise.

Sulking and telling your partner that you hate them over this issue is pathetic behaviour and he owes you a big apology.

Surely it should have been better not to go at all and organise a play date/ present giving at yours when your ds had recovered. I understand your h isn’t actually showing symptoms but I’d still be annoyed if anyone potentially brought d&v into my home as it floors me.

I can’t believe some of these arguments to illustrate ur unreasonable. I particularly liked the gem of “what if” his dd officially adopted the little girl. And of course the maybe the dd and father are widow and widower. Wtf.

Imo if family were as important as being make your oh would not be content with seeing his dd 9-12 times a year. And he’d want to look after his ds.

I think some people don’t understand just how precious this one off class is for you. It was rare opportunity to indulge yourself.

Lay off the sauce Slanetylor.

God this thread makes for depressing reading. So it is still the woman’s role to cancel all pre-paid for plans to take care of a sick child, even when the father was already down to take care of the child on that day. And the event he cant lossibly be expected to miss is his daughter’s boyfriend’s child’s party. Jesus wept.

No op. You are not at all unreasonable or selfish. Might be time to have a closer look at other arrangements now the sexism is apparent.

A long time ago we had serious problems on our relationship which did involve small scale abuse but my OH sought help for it

Not at all surprised to read that

Doesn't sounds like he has changed that much at all OP.

I really don't think it's about who had the right to go.

For me the issue is the way the deal with each other, she "informs" him she's still going, that indicates no discussion. Informs mean you tell someone and give them no choice. He tells her he's starting to hate her.

Neither one of them want to look after their child. They resent each other. The issue isn't who should have went or stayed, the issue is they don't work as a team, treat each other like shite, resent each other, and argue over parenting responsibilities.

That's the real issue.