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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting kids dad to see them?

53 replies

Butterflykissess · 21/07/2018 23:28

I dont want my kids dad seeing our children again. So many issues far too many to go into. But wibu to stop him? He hasnt seen them in 6 months and has only seen his baby daughter 3 times (now a year old.) He show up unnannounced a few days ago. I want NC and he would never take me to court.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 21/07/2018 23:31

It's not what you want. A court would say the children have a right to see their father. Unless you have a very good reason for stopping it, you're being extremely U and selfish !

Original poster
Butterflykissess · 21/07/2018 23:36

As I said he would 100% not go to court.

OP posts:
RunMummyRun68 · 21/07/2018 23:37

No maybe he wouldn't

But it's not about him....or you!

The children are the concern.

Original poster
Butterflykissess · 21/07/2018 23:39

Surely an absent father is better than none at all, He hasnt seen them for 6 months he seen them around xmas/new years then before that hasnt seen them in 7 months.

OP posts:
Original poster
Butterflykissess · 21/07/2018 23:40

That should be an absent father is better than one constantly in and out* im very tired

OP posts:
Jimjamjong · 21/07/2018 23:45

I think YANBU, he either has to commit to see them regularly or not at all but twice a year is not good enough.

PodgeBod · 21/07/2018 23:49

No I disagree, my dad was crap at contact when I was younger but when I saw him it did mean a great deal to me and we now have a good relationship. I would only agree if he was frequently letting them down by saying he was coming and then not turning up.

Original poster
Butterflykissess · 21/07/2018 23:50

My sister calls him father christmas as he comes once a year. He only ever wants to see the kids at my house anyway and will not take them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Butterflykissess · 21/07/2018 23:53

So if a father decides he doesnt want to see his kids thats ok, but if a mother decides enough is enough and is sick of her kids being hurt and let down spending ages getting over there dad, only for him to show up again then disappear again for another 6 months to a year thats wrong?

OP posts:
Mummytoo3 · 22/07/2018 00:01

I seriously think that’s just messing with a child’s head, if he can’t stick to regular contact I’d tell him to do one, yes it’s important for a dad to be apart of a child’s life but he’s clearly not intrested! If he was he wouldn’t go weeks/months without seeing them, and for him to only see them in your house ?? I wouldn’t I’d be telling him to take them out even if it did go to court they would give him set days and if that didn’t work then that would be his problem.x

Original poster
Butterflykissess · 22/07/2018 00:08

He has his own house but has lodgers so no room for them. thats all his choice. He wanted to come and see them here, stay over(!) play happy families, then go away for a few weeks till the next time. When I put a stop to it surprise surprise he stopped seeing them all together. It seriously messes with their heads him rocking up again after 6 months.

OP posts:
Mummytoo3 · 22/07/2018 00:15

So he's no room for his kids because he has people staying? No sorry I'd tell them to find there own place his kids should come first!

Original poster
Butterflykissess · 22/07/2018 00:21

He refuses to. Doesnt see why I dont want him here playing happy families. It also means I never get a break from them as even when I was crazy enough to allow this he would never take them anywhere. Kept making up excuses.

OP posts:
Mummytoo3 · 22/07/2018 00:24

Nope I'd definitely tell him to take them out even if it's just a couple of hours to a park or that, you've got to move on in your life aswell and with him coming in and out wouldn't be helping, I'd definitely ask him to take kids once a week or that so you can get a break but most importantly he gets a bound with his children.

RoboJesus · 22/07/2018 00:26

If he negatively affects their life then I wouldn't let him near the kids. It's not about what you or he wants, just what's best for the kids

Mummytoo3 · 22/07/2018 00:31

I'd definitely give him a choice to have regular contact or none

It's not fair on the kids one min they have their dad nexted they don't, true what others are saying it's about the children but he clearly isn't caring if he's only saw his youngest 3 times in the space of a year!

Original poster
Butterflykissess · 22/07/2018 00:33

He wont travel to take them to the park as he lives 2 hours away so doesnt see it as worth it. He always refused to commit to any set days as he "doesnt commit to anything."

OP posts:
Original poster
Butterflykissess · 22/07/2018 00:35

He didnt even know the babies name. I told him but he kept calling her a different name, and asked me again what it was when he showed up. He said he would come down and see her when she was 5 days old and just never showed up. I didnt speak to him again after that and he never contacted me again till she was 7 months old.

OP posts:
Mummytoo3 · 22/07/2018 00:43

I seriously wouldn't put up with that.. that's my opinion everyone is going to agree or disagree but if he doesn't seem it worth it to see his kids that shows what kind of father he is, I know fathers that would walk hours just to see there kids. And you get guys like him that can't even give there children the time of day... I'd tell him to do one 👍

Rainbowqueeen · 22/07/2018 00:44

How long have you been apart?

He sounds like the kind of dad who won't be part of their lives for much longer.

I would keep all communications by email. Email him and say it is best for the children to have regular consistent contact. Therefore you want to set up a regular schedule. Make whatever suggestion suits you. EOW and one night a week are standard. Ask him if that suits.

If he comes back with anything other than a regular timetable rinse and repeat. Regular consistent contact is best for children. What does he propose.

If he comes up with something that works, make the kids available for him to collect at that time. Don't allow him to change days etc without prior notice and your agreement. If he misses contact, no contact until next agreed time. Don't tell kids he is expected so they can't be disappointed if he doesn't show up. If he's not there within half an hour go out and take the kids.

Set up boundaries and maintain them. Keep a written record of everything, all missed contact etc.

if it does go to court you can show that you were reasonable and acting in the best interests of the children.

Good luck he sounds crap

Marriedwithchildren5 · 22/07/2018 02:34

@Singlenotsingle the kids needs come where???

SarahH12 · 22/07/2018 03:04

It's a difficult one because a child has a right to a relationship with both parents. I think you'd definitely be in your rights to put a stop to him seeing them at your house. That's not fair on them or you. If he then doesn't want to see them then that's your choice.

But I wouldn't stop him completely if he does want to see them outside your house. Your DC have the right to make their own minds up about him when they're old enough, not just to take on your view of him.

GoatWithACoat · 22/07/2018 04:13

Under the circumstances you described YANBU. A bloke that doesn’t even know his baby’s name and waits 7 months to see her?! In your circumstance I think it would be in the children’s best interests to cut the inconsistent and unreliable contact now and they can find him in the future when they are older and more mentally prepared for his fecklessness.

PortSouth · 22/07/2018 04:16

Can he not see them at a family contact centre so he doesn't need to come to the house? I think court ordered contact and official maintenance would help you go no contact eventually. He will probably mess the children around & not turn up and you can then formally block him. You will need to go through the motions first to show that he's unreliable.

Bbbbbbbb2017 · 22/07/2018 06:54

I would stop contact and tell him he needs to take you to court so reliable and consistent contact can be built up to.

I have a no contact court order, they are only awarded in 1% of cases but it means my kids do not and will not have anything to do with him

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