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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset and hurt over DH comments

88 replies

MamafromOz · 21/07/2018 23:26

My husband has never been one to say nice things to me. He is more likely to tell me all the things I do wrong instead of right. I have gotten used to it though it is hard sometimes. Especially since he doesn’t seem to have problems complimenting others or perming and used to be loving towards me in the beginning.

Well I have been struggling a bit lately with being a SAHM and with my weight since having DS. I’m not over weight but have a belly donut.

It is our 1 st wedding anniversary tomorrow and we went out tonight for it. I got dressed up and put on a dress and heels because I know he likes it when I wear dresses which I don’t normally do.

Didn’t get one remark or compliment on my effort or how I looked however I thought ok nothing new unfortunately. Then throughout the night I felt like all I was getting was insults. At one point he mentions how I am a scatter brain and disorganized. Far from the truth as I run this house hold and everything else. Then as as we were walking we heard a whistle and he said is someone whistling at you and then I said I doubt it I feel like a cow in this dress to which he laughed and said yea a cow. I said so you obviously agree. His response was don’t be that girl who needs reassuring.

I left it. I am never that girl but once and awhile it would be nice to feel loved. He then sat at the bar and then made a comment about how I have shit chat and that I need to learn to walk in heels like other women.

My night just made me feel worthless. I’m upset and wondering if I am being too sensitive and taking things the wrong way. Do you think I am over reacting ?

OP posts:

Whatsnoton · 22/07/2018 09:31

Yanbu

woollyheart · 22/07/2018 09:38

I wouldn’t tell him he was being hurtful as he would just interpret that as meaning that you are weak. Seriously, I would sit him down and ask him if he thinks he might have mental health problems such as depression. Point out that all his negativity and failure to say anything nice to you is draining, and is leading you to believe that the two of you might be incompatible.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 22/07/2018 09:42

Has he always been mean towards you or did it start after you gave birth? This sounds like emotional abuse and you don’t have to put up with it.

LannieDuck · 22/07/2018 09:44

Well I have been struggling a bit lately with being a SAHM

Was it your choice, or something that he suggested you 'ought' to do because you're the woman? Be wary of becoming financially dependent on someone who treats you like crap.

TorviBrightspear · 22/07/2018 09:56

My ex was like this, still is if I'm anywhere near. Constant put downs and I eventually realised it was worse on special occasions or when I was in a good mood.

OP, he does it because he can and he enjoys putting you down.

CocoaGin70 · 22/07/2018 09:56

Honest answer, OP, you don't talk to people you love like that.

DaphneduM · 22/07/2018 10:00

While not wishing to generalise, I think being a SAHM can erode self-confidence. I speak from experience here. I can understand your hurt and upset - he has been very insensitive. However, I am assuming that you want to carry on with your marriage - so - you need to put changes in place. I would certainly point out to him that his remarks were unacceptable. Also I would suggest that maybe you should think about dipping back into the world of work - you can start small - even volunteering - and gradually build back up as your child gets older. If you do nothing, your power in the relationship will continue to be eroded, and you could end up in a difficult situation. You deserve better than this.

MixLab · 22/07/2018 10:02

You're not too sensitive or overreacting.

But you are describing classic domestic abuse.

he mentions how I am a scatter brain and disorganized. Far from the truth as I run this house hold and everything else

Just one of many red flags here.

If you're in Australia you can do the Freedom Programme online: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

It will teach you the difference between a healthy relationship and an abusive one. It will show you how people who genuinely love us treat us.

Sadly, this is not a healthy relationship and it goes far beyond him simply "not giving compliments". He is being abusive.

If you can't see it, and I suspect you will probably be shocked to see some of us using the word abuse, then do the Freedom Programme course and make your own mind up.

It's your decision, but ultimately I promise you this is not a normal way to live and you don't have to try and learn to put up with it. Trying to do so will only make you more and more miserable. You are not the problem in this scenario. He won't change.

People who love us don't treat us the way you've described being treated. You deserve so much better.

usernamefromhell · 22/07/2018 10:07

Daphne you seem to be missing the point about this pig of a man. He knows perfectly well that his remarks were unacceptable. That's exactly why he says them. He thinks he can get away with it because he thinks his wife is well trained. Letting him know he has hurt her or crossed a line will only play further into his hands.

You are right about working and the need to build up confidence and independence. But I don't think the OP has the time and luxury of "dipping a toe in" via volunteering etc and waiting until her DC is at school, which will take several years. She needs to prioritise getting away from this arsehole over everything else and do it as fast as possible before her DC starts to witness him putting her down as a sport.

OP I'm not sure where you are, what kind of support you have. If you have friends or relatives with whom you could stay I would do that. If not I would start talking to voluntary organisations such as Women's Aid and to a solicitor. You need to get away from this man.

ohfourfoxache · 22/07/2018 10:51

What a disgusting specimen you’ve got yourself there......

He’s a cunt, plain and simple.

You could do so much better

ciderhouserules · 22/07/2018 11:35

Honest answer, OP, you don't talk to people you love like that. - quite. You don't talk to people you like in this way, let alone someone you love.

It's well known that a compliment, or even a mild comment about your looks/dress/anything can make you feel on top of the world. Conversely, when you've made an effort and he seeks to condemn that effort, or to ignore it (and then blame you for seeking attention) - it brings you down so much.

I am a receptionist, (non-NHS medical field) and I make an effort with everyone - mention their dress, shoes, nails, eyes, suntan - anything. This human interaction is so important, and is vital for our well-being and mental health. And it's so easy. A simple word - it's so easy and so essential and makes them feel good.

He is eroding you. Doesn't matter if he's 'never been one for compliments' - if he loved you, he would notice the effort, and appreciate it. Not knock you for your conversation!

He really doesn't like you, OP.

lmk66 · 22/07/2018 13:32

@adviceonthepox can I just say, you sound super strong x

adviceonthepox · 22/07/2018 17:47

@lmk66 I am now I wasn't always. It took 10 years of being put down and my confidence was gone. But I looked at my children and realised I wanted better for them. My boys are teens now and I'm so proud of the young gentleman they are.

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