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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to bring my dm on a day out

72 replies

Elderflower78 · 21/07/2018 15:07

At the weekend dh and i were planning on going to the zoo with dd. It's one of the only weekends we all have not working.
Dm wants to come with us.
I feel really really bad for saying this but I don't want her to come. When ever I'm out shopping with her or what ever she constantly moans. She moans about the prices of things, she mutters when someone bumps into her or gets in her way, she moans that things are too far or she needs to sit down, she says things like oh I don't want to stay too late I want to be back for such and such time.
I just know the day will revolve on what suits her. She is not the type of person you can get into confrontation with...she would f and blind and go in a massive huff, take a offence very easily.
I do love her but I find her really hard work.
I feel bad because she would like to go and she wants to spend time with dd but I know I will just end up stressed.
Thinking of not going at all now.

OP posts:
Booklover18 · 21/07/2018 15:09

Don’t take her

Kisbot · 21/07/2018 15:11

2nd don’t take her it will ruin your day completely which will impact on your dd. Ydnbu

AtrociousCircumstance · 21/07/2018 15:12

Don’t take her. Say you’ll plan something another time but you just need some quality time as a family unit.

Gncq · 21/07/2018 15:12

Going on what you've said I woud rearrange the zoo trip for another day without her.
If she was expecting to go to the zoo say "No I don't think you'd enjoy it".

Cismyass · 21/07/2018 15:13

She sounds charming OP Hmm

Gncq · 21/07/2018 15:14

Or actually just go, say to your dm "you really won't enjoy it" or something then meet her another day!

Aquamarine1029 · 21/07/2018 15:19

Now is the time to put your big girl pants on and stand up for yourself. Tell her this weekend is strictly for your little family. End of. It she gets upset she'll get over it.

SayNoToCarrots · 21/07/2018 15:19

She sounds like my mum. I bet she throws a strop if you tell her she can't come.

Original poster
Elderflower78 · 21/07/2018 15:20

If I said we wanted to spend time as a family she would take offence big time.

I feel awful because I've stopped spending time with her. I have stopped going shopping with her because she has a pop at the sales assistant without fail. She tuts and huffs if someone is in her way etc and it embarrasses me. She also just walks ahead if she's done looking at something while I'm still looking.
I feel so guilty because deep down she is a nice person but I just find days out with her a bit stressful.

OP posts:
BottleOfJameson · 21/07/2018 15:22

I also wouldn't take her. Tell her you had promised yourselves a family only day as you rarely get time alone together. Offer to do something with her when DH is working.

Mummaloves · 21/07/2018 15:22

My DM is the same - if we do anything and don't include her she throws a tantrum and is vile to us. Then wonders why we don't want her involved in everything. Just tell her there will he a lot of walking, you don't want to be restricted on what time you leave, and you want a day with just your little family.

RabbitsAreTasty · 21/07/2018 15:24

She keeps that nice oersin awfully well hidden.

Forbid yourself from feelibg guilty. Give no fucks at her selfish offence taking. Have a lovely day out without her.

Shoppingwithmother · 21/07/2018 15:24

Maybe in future don’t tell her what your plans are - you presumably had no need to tell her what you’re up to?

And yes, def don’t take her.

Original poster
Elderflower78 · 21/07/2018 15:26

Dd would grass me up that we have been. She has got me into trouble before. Grin

OP posts:
Moussemoose · 21/07/2018 15:28

OP we have the same DM.

In the end I've stopped telling her what we are doing because she gets upset when I don't invite her. If we go the cinema she will spend the first 10 minutes after complaining about the film, the seat, the price etc.

I realised she enjoys the complaining it makes her happy, moaning is part of the fun for her, but it drags me down and makes me sad.

I make plans and then the following week say "oh we got up on Saturday and just decided to go the the zoo" - total bollocks because I always organise trips but she can't sulk and ask why she wasn't invited. She does still sulk a bit though.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 21/07/2018 15:31

Just say you'll take her out for lunch soon or something. I wouldn't take from what you've said. It's not wrong to want to spend time with just DH and DD.

PatheticNurse · 21/07/2018 15:33

Well... you have a choice.

Go to the Zoo. Spend an awful lot of money getting in. Be on edge and ready to snap from the start as you wait for her to be rude. Be completely pissed off at a ruined day out. Probably have your DH pissed off that your mother has spoilt one of his only weekends with you and DD. Argue with your mother. Argue when home with DH. Snap at DD when actually it's not her fault but your so frustrated trying to keep the peace.

Or not let her join you

YourHandInMyHand · 21/07/2018 15:35

I agree in future tell her nothing of your plans, and then if DD mentions something say it was a spur of the moment decision to go there.

Definitely do not take her. She sounds a lot like my nana. Very domineering and negative. I've also restricted how much time I spend with her. I love her but I often don't like her behaviour, she bullies my mum something rotten! All my childhood had her in the background monopolising my mum's time and attention with her bossy ways and negative comments.

In the lead up just be vague and say "oh I don't think we're going to bother now" and then just go on the day.

Please start being a bit wiser to what you tell her ahead of time, and continue to be a little more choosy of your precious free time.

LovelyBath77 · 21/07/2018 15:35

I would say about meeting a more relaxing time such as her coming for coffee.

MayCatt · 21/07/2018 15:36

For goodness sake. If I were your DH and you cancelled our family day out together because you couldn't say no to your DM I'd be less than thrilled with you. Put your big girl pants on and grow up. I'm not usually one for being harsh on here but simpering posts like this infuriate me. If your dm goes in a huff for a while then so be it. Enjoy the precious time you have with your DC before they grow up and you're left with regrets instead of memories.

Shoppingwithmother · 21/07/2018 15:39

It doesn’t matter if DD tells her afterwards - it should not be the default that your mother comes on all your family outings, it should be the exception, surely?

Yogagirl123 · 21/07/2018 15:40

My MIL has been known to invite herself along on days out, so feeling your pain! It is awkward.

Of course you need time just as a family, time to put things right otherwise it won’t ever change and resentment can build.

Good luck OP xx☘️

bluebeck · 21/07/2018 15:41

Agree with PP - Big Girl Pants.

Tell her you and DH and DD need some bonding time.

If she is a PITA when you go out, and you feel guilty about this, can you see her at her house instead? Or invite her to yours?

Have a lovely day out and do not feel guilty. Oh - and don't tell her stuff until afterwards next time!

Bluetrews25 · 21/07/2018 15:42

YANBU at all.
But goodness only knows how you will do it.....Maybe say it's all vague and up in the air, not yet arranged. Then after the event, say it was a last minute thing and you did not have time to let her know about it?
In future, keep plans quiet.

RedSkyLastNight · 21/07/2018 15:43

She's not a nice person. You are making excuses for her because you're used to her. Read your posts back and think what you'd advice anyone else in your situation.

(my mother is the same so I do empathise, but realising that I could love my mum whilst not particularly liking her was a huge revelation).