To not want to bring my dm on a day out

[Elderflower78]

At the weekend dh and i were planning on going to the zoo with dd. It's one of the only weekends we all have not working.
Dm wants to come with us.
I feel really really bad for saying this but I don't want her to come. When ever I'm out shopping with her or what ever she constantly moans. She moans about the prices of things, she mutters when someone bumps into her or gets in her way, she moans that things are too far or she needs to sit down, she says things like oh I don't want to stay too late I want to be back for such and such time.
I just know the day will revolve on what suits her. She is not the type of person you can get into confrontation with...she would f and blind and go in a massive huff, take a offence very easily.
I do love her but I find her really hard work.
I feel bad because she would like to go and she wants to spend time with dd but I know I will just end up stressed.
Thinking of not going at all now.

Lots of tough love on here OP but they're all right. I know how scary it is to stand up to a parent like this. I'm sure you have been well trained to do her bidding and put her first. That's not something you magically grow out of when you become an adult

The truth is though, you are an adult, and you are no longer obliged to spend time with people who stress you out like this. You're also not obliged to make excuses for their behaviour by saying that they're 'lovely deep down'. Your mother sounds far from lovely. Take some of the very good advice on here about telling her politely that it will just be you, DP and DD going to the zoo. Stop telling her your plans and stop involving her in your life so much. The more you do it, the easier it gets. Time to put yourself and your own family's needs first for a change

She has a very short temper. My dad and I have been walking on eggshells for years. Her mother was the same but worse and she couldn't live with her when she was young because of her violent temper.

The slightest inconvience with shouting and bawling for fuck sake this fuck sake that and causes a really tense atmosphere.

I have noticed I don't like to include dhs family with mine a lot to avoid any of this plus she's so judgey. Doesn't like any dhs family for various reasons, says they aren't her cup of tea. It hurts actually.

Oh god, she's going to be upset either way, because she won't enjoy the day, so you might as well have her upset at home and you having a nice day, than her upset at the zoo and you, DH and DD having a crap day!

Tell her you don't think it's a good idea as you think she'd hate it and then immediately invite her and your Dad over for family dinner one night next week, to stop the "I don't get to see DGD" guilt.

You can't change your Mum, so if you want a relationship with her, you need to manage the time you spend with her to occasions where it's less likely she'll find a reason to kick off.

Ah, she's actually not very nice then.

Cba to control herself for the sake of those she's supposed to love.

Break the eggshell cycle-protect your daughter from it-don't expose her to it!

" then immediately invite her and your Dad over for family dinner one night next week, to stop the "I don't get to see DGD" guilt."

Yeah-but she doesn't deserve it does she?

Treats Op like shit-gets rewarded!

Go and if it gets mentioned just say it was a last minute thing. Casual. You could add that she would have hated it as it was crowded and hot etc.

People here are being a bit mean about her, if you say she’s nice deep down then she is. My mum has an awful way of sounding negative and simply doesn’t understand how she comes over. We do call her on it sometimes and she will deny moaning though it sure sounds that way. She wouldn’t sulk at being left out though. I think.

Have a nice day out and do something else with her that’s easy and less stressful.

Is there something you know she hates eg soft play or something that you can claim you are going to tack onto your zoo trip? Then surely she wont want to come?

Or I would go with the tinkly laugh and say “oh god no, you would hate it!! I am dreading it myself - its going to be hell. Roasting hot, massive crowds. I am envious of you that you wont be coming!! Let’s organise something else soon”. Kind of close that avenue down. Then don’t organise something else.....

The more you describe her, the worse she sounds. My grandmother was a right old misery guts but at least she didn’t shout, swear and be rude to waitresses/shop people.

Hmm, I get delayed with that post. She doesn’t sound especially nice from what you say. What are her nice points?

Oh god please don't take her with you! Your ids and dad deserve to have happy memories with you. Why are their needs, YOUR needs less important than her wants.

If you won't say no then offer her a trip to park or something later in week but don't spoil this trip to zoo with her awful behaviour.

Don't lie by adding on extras - no doubt you'll need to lie your way out of that. There's nothing unreasonable about wanting a rare day with just the three of you. Just tell her!

And if she argues with you tell her the whole truth.

She's great with dd and they get on really well together. She isn't fond of her other grandkids. She hates spending time with the other gc because they just set her off. They aren't that bad but my dd has quite a laid back personality which dm needs in someone.
I think she gets jealous if dh side spend time with us more but they are just easy to get along With, no dramas etc.
The amount of xmas's and holidays she has ruined with starting rows. This post has brought back memories of some horrible times in my childhood and I think I've came to resent her a bit to be honest now that I'm a mother myself.
I'm ttc and I haven't told her because every time my sister has announced a pregnancy (even though she is married, works and has a mortgage) was met with dread and comments like oh you could have done this with your life, you could have spent your money on abc and not a baby etc....i can't remember time out of her three pregnancies where she was happy about it.
My pregnancy doesn't count because I was 18 and lost my job when I had dd 8 years ago so that's kinda understandable

she is a nice person

No, she is not by your description of her. She makes it all about herself, complaining and bitching about everything.

Not a nice person in my book.

She also sounds exhausting. You really DO NOT need to run every family decision for a day out or whatever by her!!

God forbid I ever become a granny like that!!

Blimey. She hates spending time with other GC because they set her off? She’s a grown up - it’s her job to control herself around children.

I know it sounds harsh but your daughter may be learning to keep the peace in the same way you did. I have a laid back personality - in many ways I wish I’d been a bit more spicy, it would have saved me from a lot t of bullshit growing up.

Just go and if she mentions it just be breezy and say she would have hated it. If she kicks off put the phone down. You don't have to tolerate this.

My mother is the same.
She’s a nightmare. We go for food, there’ll always be something wrong with it, I take her shopping she’ll complain or raise her voice to comment about something in earshot of a staff member.
She whinges about the cost of everything / except fags weirdly
She just puts a downer on everything. I recently invited her along to an event which I thought she might like, she whinged the whole time. So next time she’s not coming.
If she ever mentions about not getting asked to go anywhere again then I just plan on telling her that until she stops being a whingy ungrateful cock then she’s not coming as I want to enjoy myself.

Just tell her she won’t enjoy or just call her out on her dreadful behaviour and say “whenever I take you somewhere you’re always negative about something, so perhaps it’s best you don’t come”

She doesn’t like her other grandchildren but like your daughter essentially because she is compliant and doesn’t wind her up? I’m not being mean about you’re daughter being laid back is a lovely trait I have one like that as well. It sounds as though your mother is awful and everyone treads on egg shells around her. Don’t take her and keep plans closer to your chest in future.

Oops your not you’re

So what are you going to do OP?

She has a very short temper. My dad and I have been walking on eggshells for years. - so she's got a nasty temper, is controlling and has potential to outbursts. Doesn't like her other gc because they don't put up with it. LIkes your daughter because she's laid back - AKA lets her do what she wants, without question, and without her own input or wishes being taken into account - sound like anyone, OP?

You already don't include her in stuff with your InLaws, as you know she will either kick off, or she will be embarrassing and judging and will ruin the day.

So basically, she likes your daughter, and occasionally, you, if you do as you are told. How can you submit your daughter to this? Don't you think your daughter should be being taught how to draw boundaries, to make her own decisions, to stand by her own decisions, to have her wishes taken seriously? Your 'D'M will cow and break your dd in the same way she has you - and you are willing to allow this?

YOUR MOTHER IS NOT A NICE PERSON! She has made you think she is, and we are conditioned to believe our mothers are saints and martyrs and would do anything for us; but some aren't. Some are controlling and manipulative and vicious, and should be exposed for it.

Seriously, take a huge step back. Look at other 'normal' families, like your ILs. Do some reading on toxic parents. Check out the Stately Homes thread.

The scales will fall.

Go without her, have a lovely day. Perhaps to make it up to her, ask her round to yours for dinner some time? That way, you're including her in the family, without being embarrassed about her behaviour anywhere. You can also dictate what time she goes.

She sounds vile. I can't EE from your description she's nice 'deep down' (like the deepest sea trench ever...??!

For other people with relatives that just whinge.... Don't put up with it... Just tell them... I did and it actually cleared the air with an auntie who constantly whinged about heat/food/prices...

Auntie we would like 6o see you... But part of seeing you... Is NO moaning... Not at anything... Unless you're phrasing it as a problem solved.... Eg I'm finding it too hot sitting here, let's move to the shaded table under the umbrella... '...

It will take a while..
BUT if you mention it EVERY time they start whinging' theu will get the message and also realise how negative they're being ... And smile and nod and reward talk that is not a complaint....

OP - can you give us an update?