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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to bring my dm on a day out

72 replies

Elderflower78 · 21/07/2018 15:07

At the weekend dh and i were planning on going to the zoo with dd. It's one of the only weekends we all have not working.
Dm wants to come with us.
I feel really really bad for saying this but I don't want her to come. When ever I'm out shopping with her or what ever she constantly moans. She moans about the prices of things, she mutters when someone bumps into her or gets in her way, she moans that things are too far or she needs to sit down, she says things like oh I don't want to stay too late I want to be back for such and such time.
I just know the day will revolve on what suits her. She is not the type of person you can get into confrontation with...she would f and blind and go in a massive huff, take a offence very easily.
I do love her but I find her really hard work.
I feel bad because she would like to go and she wants to spend time with dd but I know I will just end up stressed.
Thinking of not going at all now.

OP posts:
OddS0ck · 21/07/2018 15:51

deep down she is a nice person
Why do so many of these awkward buggers keep their "nice person" sides hidden away, deep down?

My ex would tell me that deep down he was a good person. Eventually I told him it didn't matter what was deep down, what mattered was who you were day to day.

OP, don't let her spoil your family day out. Maybe do what a pp does and claim it was a spur of the moment decision. It is unfair to your DH and DD let alone you to have a fun sucker along to dominate the day.

(I don't think my ex was a good person deep down. Unless it was so far down you needed a tungsten tipped drill and a team of Texan oilmen to reach it.)

Thedutchwife · 21/07/2018 15:54

I’m having this with my DGM at the moment 🙈

It’s rely tough op and I understand where your coming from. In the past I’ve taken to blaming DH and saying ‘he is stressed and just wants time with kids and me’....Blush

ciderhouserules · 21/07/2018 15:58

OP you are recognising that your DM is, in fact, NOT a nice person deep down. How you treat shop staff and waiters (and animals) are key pointers in who is a 'nice person' and who is just nice when they want to be/it suits them/there is something in it for them.

Tell DM you are going out as a family, ie, you, your DH and your kids. You will take her out another time. Set boundaries now, and police them rigorously. You are not responsible for her 'good mood', she has to get over the fact that you have other obligations now as well as her.

BGPs!

LucyLou49 · 21/07/2018 16:03

Tell her you're going to friends for dinner on the way home.

Then tell her afterwards that the friends cancelled or you were too tired so rearranged it for another time.

diddl · 21/07/2018 16:04

"Dm wants to come with us."

Well, she'll have to want, won't she?

If she finds out after & moans, tell her the truth-that based on how much she carries on on shopping trips you didn't want her there.

Shoppingwithmother · 21/07/2018 16:05

I don’t think you have to tell her anything or any excuses - just keep more of a distance and get on with what you want to do - don’t tell her the day to day minutiae of hat you are doing!

MrsMint · 21/07/2018 16:05

keep plans quiet in future if you do not want her to to come...

For this one, perhaps lie and say you changed your mind and invite her round for Sunday lunch or something - at least then you are on your own turf and she can't embarrass you in front of strangers.

Shoppingwithmother · 21/07/2018 16:06

What not hat!

Moussemoose · 21/07/2018 16:06

Oh I like the going to friends on the way home thing. I'm going to use thatSmile

RabbitsAreTasty · 21/07/2018 16:12

Would you really cancel your daughter's day at the zoo to avoid being on the receiving end of your mother's huff? That's a bad situation. Your priorities are not correct.

Big girl pants. Tell your mother you are having a day just the three of you, you'll see her another time.

Treat as a learning experience your terror at her huffing, puffing and whatever other manipulative crap she pulls.

It is completely normal and reasonable to say you want a family day. Any normal person would say they understand and would not mention it again. That saying no to your mum on a normal thing is such a gut wrencher for you is a sign that your head's not right on this, presumably because you've been trained to pander even to the extent of sacrificing your own child's fun.

Orchidflower1 · 21/07/2018 16:12

Think how annoyed you’d be if you dh wouldn’t say no to your mil. That could create a thread in itself! Be firm but kind you are a grown up with your own dc. Did your grand parents always come out with you as a child? Is that why she expects it?

KokoandAllBall · 21/07/2018 16:13

Perfect - say you're going somewhere else after.

Then from now on don't tell her your plans beforehand, and maybe also keep things as a surprise for your DD if she's likely to see your DM and tell her.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 21/07/2018 16:13

Your DM sounds like my DGM. We used to lie. A LOT. My mum avoided this sort of problem by saying "You have different priorities to my toddler/8 yo/ teenager & I cannot accommodate both of you happily. I promised this trip to dc/I arranged this trip for DC around their interests so it wouldn't work for you to come & you won't enjoy it".

If she persists, give her both barrels re rudeness and start calling it when you see it. Or she'll be a nightmare when she's older, frailer & needier- and your Dd needs you, too.

CoffeeOrSleep · 21/07/2018 16:17

Sounds like she'll be upset if she doesnt' go, but have a shit time if she does go, and you will too. So don't take her. "Sorry Mum, me and DH want to just spend the day with DD tomorrow. However, would you like to come for dinner on X day at ours?"

At least she's only huffing and puffing in your house then...

Singlenotsingle · 21/07/2018 16:18

Tbh she actually wouldn't enjoy it,! It's hot, there's a lot of walking, no doubt it will be very crowded (in the school holidays), the food places will have long queues and she will want to go home early! Tell her you're not taking her for these reasons!

CruCru · 21/07/2018 16:20

I think you need to change your mindset. The issue is that someone in your life is controlling what you do by kicking off when they don’t get their own way. It’s the sort of thing you train small children out of but is completely inexcusable in an adult.

What do other people do when she kicks off? Or do they avoid her altogether?

When my daughter kicks off (she is four), I walk away and say “I’m not dealing with you when you are like this”. It might not be a bad idea here - but the first time you do it will be the hardest.

DelphiniumBlue · 21/07/2018 16:26

Just be upfront, tell her you've hardly seen DH recently, its one of the few weekends you've got off together, and you want some time with him. You could soften it by making an arrangement to see her ( at a time when he's working).
She would be unreasonable not to get that You need some time with him.

amicissimma · 21/07/2018 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Moussemoose · 21/07/2018 16:39

I've made my accommodation with my weaknesses in relation to my DM. I try my best but I still feel guilt. The trouble is she wants an invitation to everything even if it's something she really won't like.

We went to the theatre to see a play I know she would hate, when we told her we'd been she was all sulky. I try to shrug it off but she's 80 and plays the sad little old lady who never goes out. She goes out more than we do.

ElementalHalfLife · 21/07/2018 16:40

I'm all for allowing gps to spend time with gc but having a very similar mum YANBU to not want take her along on any EVERY family outing. Tell her you're planning to stay on until late evening so you can see the nocturnal fruitbats or something or you've pre booked to do the handling of snakes/spiders/rodent experience - if that's something she'd hate of course. Seems mean but I learned quickly just not to tell mine about day excursion plans until after they'd happened, I'd rather deal with the fallout after the fact not during.

haribosmarties · 21/07/2018 16:41

dont take her. Its a choice between her being offended from a distance or getting offended during the day and ruining it for you...
Id choose the offended from a distance option and then go and have a lovely day with my family.
Im sure she will eventually get over the outrage of not being invited on a day to the zoo.

Argeles · 21/07/2018 16:44

My Nan behaves like this, and there have been many times over the years when she has ruined days out and special occasions as a result of her behaviour and mood.

Try to limit telling her your plans in the future, and go without her, that’s what we started doing with my Nan.

JayZed · 21/07/2018 16:46

She sounds like my Nan, moaned and moaned she was desperate for an afternoon with just me, her and my mum
Went to a nice restaurant and I don't think she stopped to breathe through the complaining. The water wasn't cold enough, it was tap water, the mayo was too spicy.

YANDU

Juells · 21/07/2018 16:51

I think you should tell her you don't want to take her because of her moaning. I had a habit that annoyed my DD (I made snippy remarks which I thought were funny and she thought were belittling Blush ) she told me and I stopped doing it. People often don't realise they're being a pain in the arse. At least give her the opportunity to recognise that it's impacting on how much time you're willing to spend with her.

Eryngium · 21/07/2018 16:52

deep down she is a nice person but I just find days out with her a bit stressful

How deep down? Would the journey to find her nice side require a Jules Verne type journey?

As a pp said, people whose supposed nice side is "buried deep down" aren't actually nice people.