Name changed for this and apologies, it’s a long one!
My DD (22) left home last year and moved into a private rent flat closer to her work.
Around the same time she started seeing someone new, a local lad aged 20.
Within a few weeks it got to the point where she was annoyed with him because he’d lost his job and taken to spending all day every day at her flat, even while she went out to work. He’d ‘stay over’ most nights, say in the morning that he’d go home ‘later’ but still be sat in the flat, watching her TV, drinking her tea and eating her food when she got home from work.
(He lives with his foster mum who has fostered him since he was a baby)
Money soon became a problem because she doesn’t earn much and he wasn’t earning at all, he also refused to apply for job seekers allowance because ‘he’d get a job soon anyway’
So an argument started because she told him to go home to his mum’s and that she couldn’t afford to pay for them both anymore. They weren’t going out due to having no money and a life like this is not what she wanted.
He grabbed her arm and shouted in her face that he was looking for work and it wasn’t his fault she was ‘so fucking stupid and boring’ and implied that it was her fault that they weren’t going out and having fun anymore. This, literally less than 2 months after she started seeing him!
She ‘went to the shop’ and phoned me to tell me. My DP went round to her flat and this lad made threats ‘I’ll smash your head in’ (to my DP) ‘smash the flat up’ ‘burn the flat down’ etc.
Anyway, DP eventually got him to collect anything of his and drove him to his mums, told him to stay away or the police will be called.
Had a few conversations with my DD since, along the lines of how lucky she was to have realised what he was like and got rid of him when she did. Me telling her how proud I was that she’d stood up to him, albeit with her stepdad’s help. Especially as her father and I split up due to DV when she was 9, she remembers and hates her father as a result.
They split up at the end of January.
She phoned me one day last week and announced that she’s 18 weeks pregnant, and that the baby is his!
She’s been lying to us all this time about not seeing him because she ‘knew we wouldn’t be happy’ but she hopes that we can get to a point where we can forget about what happened and move on because there is going to be a baby now.
She came out with all this stuff about how he acted like he did because it’s very demoralising to be out of work and how his upbringing wasn’t the best due to him being fostered, his ‘real’ family are awful and he’s ‘a bit messed up’ because of that.
But he’s got a job now, is seeing a counsellor (I don’t believe that bit for some reason)
What am I supposed to do now? This is my first grandchild. She wants us to all get along for the sake of the baby. They’re moving in together soon and they’re going to ba a ‘happy little family’ she says.
I thought I’d raised a strong, independent young lady who wouldn’t ever get involved with someone like him, but here we are
AIBU?
To think I’ve raised her wrong and want to shake her so hard?!
Raisedherwrong · 21/07/2018 13:17
Op, you have definitely not raised her wrong and you sound like a lovely mother, I was in A similar situation to your daughter a couple of years ago (although thankfully not pregnant!) and my mother fell out with me because of the way I was allowing myself to be treat and I had no one to talk to, ultimately it made me stay in the awful position I was in for longer.Please, please don't allow your relationship with your daughter to suffer, be with her along in the way and allow her to speak to you about anything and come to you whenever she needs, I can understand your worry but the closer you stay to her the more likely she will open up to you. I really feel for you op, you must be going through such a worrying time but I do hope everything works out for the best for your daughter and you can enjoy the lovely grandchild you have been blessed with 
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