To think I’ve raised her wrong and want to shake her so hard?!

[Raisedherwrong]

Name changed for this and apologies, it’s a long one!

My DD (22) left home last year and moved into a private rent flat closer to her work.
Around the same time she started seeing someone new, a local lad aged 20.
Within a few weeks it got to the point where she was annoyed with him because he’d lost his job and taken to spending all day every day at her flat, even while she went out to work. He’d ‘stay over’ most nights, say in the morning that he’d go home ‘later’ but still be sat in the flat, watching her TV, drinking her tea and eating her food when she got home from work.
(He lives with his foster mum who has fostered him since he was a baby)
Money soon became a problem because she doesn’t earn much and he wasn’t earning at all, he also refused to apply for job seekers allowance because ‘he’d get a job soon anyway’
So an argument started because she told him to go home to his mum’s and that she couldn’t afford to pay for them both anymore. They weren’t going out due to having no money and a life like this is not what she wanted.
He grabbed her arm and shouted in her face that he was looking for work and it wasn’t his fault she was ‘so fucking stupid and boring’ and implied that it was her fault that they weren’t going out and having fun anymore. This, literally less than 2 months after she started seeing him!
She ‘went to the shop’ and phoned me to tell me. My DP went round to her flat and this lad made threats ‘I’ll smash your head in’ (to my DP) ‘smash the flat up’ ‘burn the flat down’ etc.
Anyway, DP eventually got him to collect anything of his and drove him to his mums, told him to stay away or the police will be called.

Had a few conversations with my DD since, along the lines of how lucky she was to have realised what he was like and got rid of him when she did. Me telling her how proud I was that she’d stood up to him, albeit with her stepdad’s help. Especially as her father and I split up due to DV when she was 9, she remembers and hates her father as a result.

They split up at the end of January.

She phoned me one day last week and announced that she’s 18 weeks pregnant, and that the baby is his!
She’s been lying to us all this time about not seeing him because she ‘knew we wouldn’t be happy’ but she hopes that we can get to a point where we can forget about what happened and move on because there is going to be a baby now.
She came out with all this stuff about how he acted like he did because it’s very demoralising to be out of work and how his upbringing wasn’t the best due to him being fostered, his ‘real’ family are awful and he’s ‘a bit messed up’ because of that.
But he’s got a job now, is seeing a counsellor (I don’t believe that bit for some reason)

What am I supposed to do now? This is my first grandchild. She wants us to all get along for the sake of the baby. They’re moving in together soon and they’re going to ba a ‘happy little family’ she says.

I thought I’d raised a strong, independent young lady who wouldn’t ever get involved with someone like him, but here we are

I agree with those saying to pretend you think everything is fine and dandy (in boyfriend ‘s presence) but make dd fully aware that you are always there for her and that she can turn to you at any time. My dd is 21 and attracts arsehole boyfriends like a magnet, so I feel your pain.

It does make you wonder, doesn't it? We can teach our children, but they'll still make their own mistakes. At this point all you can do is hope that the lessons you've taught her will make it easier to get out if she needs to.

Vent here, you and your DP lean on each other, and grit your teeth. Keep the channels of communications open and if she speaks negatively about him simply reiterate that she has choices. If you slag him off (even if she is) she'll jump to his defense. Be 'nice' to him (the little prick!) because you can be sure he's trying to poison her against you since he knows you and DP will rescue her if need be.

The above advice is the path my own parents followed when I married my ex-H. When the shit hit the fan (as it invariably does) I felt free to go to them, knowing that they would support me and not make me feel stupid for marrying him in the first place.

:(

You didn't raise her wrong, she's been brought down by this idiot.

I'd be honest with her, tell her you will try with him because she wants you to. BUt then you are there for her if she needs it.

Also let her know what it was like raising a child with an abusive man, and how he will not stop with her, he will hurt her baby at some point. That's just fact.

I woudl also suggest that she stay with you during the pregnancy to give them time to sort themselves out and for her to have a bit of space before the baby. This way you can tell him when to fuck off home the pathetic little cock lodger.

You haven't raised her wrong. It isn't easy these days to be in your own rented flat at 22 (it should be but isn't) so she is obviously independent and a worker. Sounds like this guy has found that she provides him with some stability and a place to live. Your daughter may even feel she is doing something good to support someone from a difficult background and is being very idealistic.

If he has been brought up by a foster carer from birth then there is a good chance that he has actually had a good upbringing but that he has violent character.

You need to tread a tightrope and keep her close to you so that you can be there to help her and so that she doesn't hide anything from you.

I don't think you need to be nice to him though. Be civil. She needs to realise that dv is a big deal. It's not a simple argument. I wouldn't want her thinking next time that it's not that a big deal as even her parents aren't worried.

He hit your baby.

OP, I have no advice other than to keep channels of communication open with your daughter.

I wish you the best of luck in resolving the situation.

@Theimpossiblegirl I guess that’s a nicer way of looking at it, thank you. I’m going to need to be kind to myself if I’m going to be supporting her through what might be a horrific time.

@Ginger1982 and @SilverDoe I am furious but I mustn’t show her that I am. She’s lied to me for a long time and I need to gain her trust. I’ve reminded her there’s always a room for her here, I just hope she doesn’t have to get hurt before she realises it’s a better option than living with him.

@ParkheadParadise I’m sorry to hear that

@viques she’ll only get smp and doesn’t think she can afford to go back to work after as childcare will cost too much. We’re not well off enough to help much but I would have her and the baby here in a heartbeat.

@Oliversmumsarmy thank you for the suggestion, I’ll definitely need to try to shoehorn it into conversation without looking pushy.

@Arum51 I too suspect the baby was planned (she says it’s a happy surprise) I’m so angry that she seems so blind to what he’s doing.
And the social services point is true but makes me feel sick.

@frami I can’t believe she’s fallen for the excuses about his upbringing, I can see straight through it but I’ve got to be careful what I say.

Thank you everybody, I just needed to get this out somewhere whilst I keep up with the fake smiles

Vent it here and stick with her, she is obviously lying - to herself. He will show his true colours, hopefully he will be gone before bb is there with as little harm as possible, it's the only thing I could wish for at this point. You did not raise her wrong, you did not, DV is unfortunately everywhere. The rule of the thumb is one is one too much, I hope this can sink in for the sake of the baby. DV tends to be worse with pregnancy. She is already in the cycle of violence : she is excusing him. They should not move in. I bet they already have, If you could get her to come to your house alone or meet up at some place while "he's working" she could try to assert her bull while you put a few options on the table, just is case. My heart sank. You took the right decision to stay clear of DV years ago, you cannot allow it back into your life, she is worth more than this, it difficult to admit that this is not love. You raised her well, she will come through.

It's awful (and I have been there minus the pregnancy, SD was attacked by a man who'd 'changed' very recently) but, horrendous as it is, you must zip up and not show how much you may despise this man/situation. She needs to feel suported.

He's had a better upbringing than many by the sounds of it and your daughter sounds very caring and that perhaps, she feels strong when she's caring for others she sees as less fortunate? Lord knows what bullshit he's fed her. And he's a cocklodger. If things esculate, the baby could be removed (although I'll never understand why society removes the child and not the violent parent) perhaps that may tip her to leave him if you voice it if/when it becomes relevant.

Support but don't enable. There's a very fine balance and It's horrendous, I'm sorry :(

I think everyone is right here. Don't give her reason to feel its you and them..... keep a false smile on your face and never give him reason to shut you out of things.

I'd also agree with the PP who said support but don't enable. No helping out financially or buying her the nice pram/cot/clothes she wants her baby dressed in. She needs a reality check here, and you have to stand back a little for her to be able to feel that.

I always thought having young kids was the hard stressful part, but having to stand and watch them make horrendous lifestyle choices is so so much harder. You're not alone by any stretch

you havent raised her wrong just sometimes things are out of our control

you sound like a very caring lady and you are right about keeping a room for her,sadly i think she may use it in the future

wish you all the best and stop being hard on yourself

@KwatahPanda ‘he hit your baby’ this made me cry. It’s exactly that, and now she’s having a baby

Once the shit hits the fan and he batters her during pregnancy Social Services will be involved and will advise her to keep well away from him. If she doesn't they'd take a very dim view. DO NOT let her put his name on the birth certificate whatever you do.

You have all my sympathy, OP. Your story is very similar to mine. My dd's bf was violent to her several times and she just kept on going back. I hated it but it was her choice and she is an adult. Then she fell pregnant. Two months after the baby was born he blew up and attacked her again. Fortunately we were there to save her, as they were staying with us and kick him out. I thought she would go back to him again as had always been the case before and in my head I promised myself that I would call social services to take the baby if she did. But fortunately at that point she was madly in love with her baby and didn't want that for her child.

So, just be there for her and especially for the baby. Don't lecture and don't make threats because if she is anything like mine that will only drive her away. Once the baby is born, that is the most important and weakest person in the equation and if you think the child is at risk, call social services.

This makes me so sad. I could have been your daughter, my boyfriend (at the time) was physically and emotionally abusive and I didn't soeak to anyone about it, not even my mum, it was a horrible situation and one I didn't find my way out of until I was good and ready unfortunately. Your daughter isn't weak or stupid, she's in an abusive relationship. Abusers are charming and they wind you up in knots til you don't know who's right and who's wrong.
The only thing you can do, and I know it must be hard, is be there for her, listen to her and don't judge her. She needs to trust you to be able to talk to you. Best of luck.

Definitely don't be hard on yourself. This is not your fault. Some people have horrendous upbringings and this doesn't happen, some are brought up immaculately and it does and everything in between. And she needs you to be a tower of strength now although she may not know it. So look after yourself.

That's what I meant cocoagin.

OP 'Mum could you buy/lend X because cocklodger still hasnt been paid '

'No sorry love, he'll have to buy baby stuff 'cause I've ad a big bill/had to pay X for house etc etc and he should support his family as his Father anyway it's odd that he doesnt want to?!' (NOT 'No I'm not giving you owt while you're with that dickhead although I suspect that may be what you'd rather say).

Don't make it them vs the world it will fuel it, she won't come to you and will put up with more than she should as "no one understands us". Be supportive of her and excited about the baby, wether you like it or not this dip shit is going to be part of your lives forever.
Its ok to quietly be upset, be distraught and cry. You know what this entails, you know what the future looks like, you've lived it. But you can't let her see that it, will push her to him.

Completely different situation but my mum tried to push me to an abortion and made my pregnancy miserable. Don't do that, I could never forgive her for the way she was.

All you can do is listen, when things are bad let her know your there. But you know one day she will be ready to leave him, you need her to know that when that day comes you've got her back.

I have been in your daughters shoes once. Being pregnant is the time when you think he will change, the rose tinted glasses are on and she will be looking for a rosy fresh start.
Of course things won't change. He will always be a violent, good for nothing sponger. When the baby is here and she realises how hard it is and realised he's not changed she will come back to you with baby in tow. The baby will probably not see much of its father in the end as he will probably turn out to be a dead beat.
She will get back on her feet. I now own my own house with a partner of 7 years and I have a good part time job.
Stay strong. She will get through this and she will eventually get wise to him.

I am so, so sorry OP. Awful news.

Although I'd be furious, I'd also be furiously concerned. This is a guy that threatened physical harm to your partner and your daughter's home. A guy that grabbed your daughter violently and tried to blame her for his own failures.

But now there's going to be a baby.

I wouldn't support her financially while she's still with him. It will all go to him. Don't give her cash. If you want to buy some things for the baby, remove the labels, packaging, etc so he can't return them to a store for money.

If he proves that he has actually sought help for his anger, violence, etc, proof of counselling, and your daughter seems truly like herself and happy, then you may have to reconsider your position down the line. But that's a long way off clearly.

If all help breaks loose otoh, tell her she can move back in with you and you'll help, but only if she cuts ties and seeks support in leaving him etc. And make it clear that's the only way she will have financial help from you. He is not welcome in your home under continued violent circumstances.

Such a sad tale op, in no way your fault as a parent.

Lots of good advice here, ...can you try and organise a weekly coffee/shopping/yoga trip(something she would love) to keep seeing her on a very regular basis to give her opportunities to talk to you in confidence?

Tell her how happy you are for her and baby, and that you will always be there to help and keep her room ready for her should she need any help.

Be her best friend to keep her talking as openly as possible, grit your teeth re judgements however warented.

i have had a terrible time with one of my daughters. I have given so much support over the years. When men have let her down. she seems to love to live in a soap opera. Nothing I can say, not say seems to makes any difference.

"DO NOT let her put his name on the birth certificate whatever you do."

That's hardly Op's decision, is it?

What reason would her daughter have for not doing this-unless things get very bad very quickly?

It must be very, very disappointing OP.

Not only that she took him back but is tying herself to him for years.

As pp have said, all you can do is appear to be OK with it.

You have had some very good advise here OP. I could see me having very similar issues with my eldest, although thankfully current DP is a definite improvement on previous offerings.

You just need to be there for her, catch up regularly, ask about the pregnancy ask how he's doing (with a faux happy interested voice) That way she will be able to open up as and when she needs to.

Good luck