Angry ex, scared kids, and me

[NoLightInTheTunnel]

Long time poster, name changed for this. Also posting here for traffic.

I know what you all are going to say, but it's not that simple .

Back story: Ex was very abusive - mentally, emotionally, financially. Once or twice physically. DD1 (9) has ASD (diagnosed), but he refuses to accept it, saying she's just a naughty child. Two years ago he hurt DD1 and the GP reported him to the police and SS. He received a caution, which he now insists is rubbish and doesn't mean anything. He has both DDs every weekend.

Due to various reasons (eg DD1 threatening to kill herself), we have a CAF in place at school. The girls have told their teacher their dad has been pushing them around again, so it's been forwarded to the safeguarding team. I tried to speak to him about it and was told it's rubbish and the girls are exaggerating. He can sound very reasonable and convincing if he chooses to.

Today the Family Support Practitioner phoned him to discuss the concerns. She called me afterwards and was obviously shaken. She said she's never encountered a parent that hostile, and that he screamed at her and was absolutely vile. He is going to report her for misconduct. The school is persecuting him and trying to micromanage his life. The FSP warned me that he is extremely angry - fuming, and concerned that he will tell the girls not to tell me if he hurts them.

So he's due to pick them up tomorrow afternoon. They don't want to go. Telling him that will just make him angrier. Even after 5 years away from him I'm still scared to confront him. I will be at the receiving end of his anger. I want to move to the opposite end of the world to get away from him. Overall I think he's a good dad, even though your typical Disney Dad. Apart from him pushing them around (I've seen this and spoken to him about it - apparently they need pushing around a bit if they refuse to listen to them).

I don't want to send the girls to his, but they love their dad, and my stomach is in scared knots at the thought of confronting him.

I've also received an eviction notice and have two months to find somewhere else to live.

I'm at the end - I have no idea which way to turn. Please help .

Don't say they are ill. Ring the duty SS and 101 and discuss with them. Then send a text tomorrow to say you have taken advice and contact will not be happening at the current time. Take them out so you aren't there when he usually collects.

Is this your opportunity to move further away?

Are the visits court ordered?

Have you been to your GP for support and to get everything documented?

Is there anyone that can help and support you? Women’s Aid? CAB? Solicitor?

This all really just kicked off this week, especially today after the FSP phoned him. DTD1 actually asked her last week not to speak to him, as he'll 'freak out and flip'. But the poor girl (I say girl as she's young enough to be my 27-yo daughter) had to do it as part of her job. I just wanted to hug her after she phoned me, she sounded so upset.

I am very very tempted to move far away, but he'll kick up such a fuss, and the grandparents will take his side - they did last time.

Nothing has been court ordered - contact etc has been agreed between the two of us, and has worked up 'till now.

@Alibobbob - my GP won't even write a factual, supporting letter regarding DTD1s ASD issues to support my housing application. They've declined to, and refuse to tell me why.

Sorry OP but it sounds like he has done a good job gaslighting you and you are still not out of it. He is not on any level a good dad and this is only going to get worse as the kids get older. You need to calmly stand up to him, as soon as possible, and stick to your guns, if only to set a good example to your kids. In your shoes I’d be reluctant to agree to any unsupervised contact at all as god knows what he is like in private. I’d be taking this opportunity to take some legal advice or get away from him. Do you have family or friends abroad you could turn to as I think putting as much distance between him and you would be best for all involved. Sending courage your way.

Are they maternal or paternal grandparents?

You have enough negativity in your life you don’t need the grandparents joining in.

I think I would move, as far away as possible, not give him or grandparents the address and let him take you to court for access. How old are the kids? It sounds like they are being torn... they want to see their Dad but he’s not what they want or need him to be. He is not a good Dad and they need to be protected as much as possible.

You are in an awful position I really feel for you. Please get some advice.

They're paternal grandparents - they're lovely and I love them to bits, but they will always take his side.

My DM has passed and 'D'F lives on the other side of the world and we haven't spoken in many years.

The girls are 9.

I'll phone 101 after the girls are in bed and see what they say. I'll face the morning in the morning. I'm too exhausted to see straight right now. My job coach is coming to the housing meeting with me, and is also writing a supporting letter as we fall under vulnerable families.

Sending courage your way. thanks @Heronwatcher - I'm going to need it!

There's no court order? That works in your favour.

I would try the GP again or maybe another GP in the practice.

Good luck tomorrow I hope you get some good quality sleep.

Ringing 101 is a good idea. Make notes - keep a diary and log everything with them.

I'm surprised the fsw didn't make a referral to ss herself after the phone call. Fingers crossed op. Hope you get some sleep.

DON'T send the children to see him. He's violent, angry, nasty, and he SCARES your kids. He sounds a horrible bloke. If it were me, I'd be trying to get ways for the children to never have to see him again.

@OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow - The FSP has logged the incident and is making an SS referral. Family Focus meeting next week.

Re the grandparents I couldn’t love someone to bits who could excuse that level of abuse of me and my children. Even if you do your children’s safety and mental health is more important than ever seeing them again. You can absolutely move away (which of course doesn’t mean never seeing them again, and If they are truly are lovely they can visit)

If he scares you and a teacher whose job it is not to get scared then why is it OK to send two 9 year olds - one with SN, who he already has a police caution for abusing - for contact? Why on earth do you think he is a good father?

The grandparents don't know how he treated me - I never told them.

I've just had a chat with the girls. They say their dad rarely pushes them around, but when he does, he hurts them. He's also frequently angry with them and shouts at them a lot. But he also takes them to do fun things (he takes them to watch age inappropriate movies that the school is also unhappy about). Disney dad - takes them to places ie trampolining so he doesn't actually have to keep them busy himself.

My head is going to explode!

Op please please, listen to what we are all saying he is nasty, he hurts your girls this is wrong, please see that.

I would never let my dd go to stay with anyone who hurt her , why would you,? if you are scared as a grown woman how do you think 2 small children feel?
I want to shake you.!....move, move far away, fight to stop him having acess anyway you can.

He is vile and dangerous even when he is trying to fool you by being 'nice', his parents are enabling him.

You HAVE to be strong to protect your children. Please keep posting there are wise women here who can offer good practical advice.

Look at it this way - your daughters grow to see and feel and accept abuse and will continue to do so into there adult life. They will have an abusive partner and end up being abused in all sorts of ways and wont tell a sole because "its normal"....

Or change it. Show them u are not a victim and they are not and never will be victims. Walk away. Show ur kids that when ur scared u act and people no matter who they are cannoy bully us!!!

Im so sorry ur going through this. So much love your way xx

I have been almost in tears from all your kind messages and support. It's been an emotional day.

I've tried to call 101 a number of times, but it doesn't seem to be working at present: The number you have called has not been recognised. Going to see if I can fill in an online form.

I had a long conversation with a very nice police officer this morning. He advised not to send the girls to their dads if I didn't feel it was safe, and obviously to lock the doors and phone 999 if he shows up and causes. Also, if he keeps ignoring the order he signed, it will become a criminal matter.

The girls want to spend the weekend with me. I've tried to call him but no answer. I've sent him a text saying the girls want the weekend with me. Now we just wait for the s..t to hit the fan.

Well done op :)

Well done op!!!!! I hope he doesn't cause trouble but do ring the police if he starts acting up. I hope you have a lovely weekend with your girls

You’re doing so well dealing with this all on your own.

Keep it up, your girls need a strong role model & you’re showing them a great example.

Thanks guys .

@OliviaBenson - don't know about lovely weekend lol - the deal is they help me spring clean the house .

Well done. You have done the right thing.
It may be unpleasant for a while but there's lots of us on MN to give you any emotional support you need.
Dig deep and think of your DC