Angry ex, scared kids, and me

[NoLightInTheTunnel]

Long time poster, name changed for this. Also posting here for traffic.

I know what you all are going to say, but it's not that simple .

Back story: Ex was very abusive - mentally, emotionally, financially. Once or twice physically. DD1 (9) has ASD (diagnosed), but he refuses to accept it, saying she's just a naughty child. Two years ago he hurt DD1 and the GP reported him to the police and SS. He received a caution, which he now insists is rubbish and doesn't mean anything. He has both DDs every weekend.

Due to various reasons (eg DD1 threatening to kill herself), we have a CAF in place at school. The girls have told their teacher their dad has been pushing them around again, so it's been forwarded to the safeguarding team. I tried to speak to him about it and was told it's rubbish and the girls are exaggerating. He can sound very reasonable and convincing if he chooses to.

Today the Family Support Practitioner phoned him to discuss the concerns. She called me afterwards and was obviously shaken. She said she's never encountered a parent that hostile, and that he screamed at her and was absolutely vile. He is going to report her for misconduct. The school is persecuting him and trying to micromanage his life. The FSP warned me that he is extremely angry - fuming, and concerned that he will tell the girls not to tell me if he hurts them.

So he's due to pick them up tomorrow afternoon. They don't want to go. Telling him that will just make him angrier. Even after 5 years away from him I'm still scared to confront him. I will be at the receiving end of his anger. I want to move to the opposite end of the world to get away from him. Overall I think he's a good dad, even though your typical Disney Dad. Apart from him pushing them around (I've seen this and spoken to him about it - apparently they need pushing around a bit if they refuse to listen to them).

I don't want to send the girls to his, but they love their dad, and my stomach is in scared knots at the thought of confronting him.

I've also received an eviction notice and have two months to find somewhere else to live.

I'm at the end - I have no idea which way to turn. Please help .

[Cblue]

Don't let your DC go with him under any circumstances. Ring social services now and let them know what is going on. In this scenario they will be your friends

Make sure you are out ALL day - not just when you are expecting him. Ring him when you have left the house and tell him that you won't be there for a few days. Buy some time until SS can get an order in place.

[NoLightInTheTunnel]

I know this sound silly, but others in abusive relationships may relate: if I speak to him about it, he stands there with this hurt puppy dog look on his face - like how can you accuse me of something this horrible? I would never do anything like it. Makes you doubt yourself. He sounds so reasonable and nice.

[ohtheholidays]

If you can't face him then text him and tell him both of the girls have got a tummy bug so won't be able to go this week and then first thing monday morning speak to SS they should be able to put an order in place which means your DD's won't have to go to him anymore until you've been back to court and things have been sorted out properly,hopefully any judge worth his title will stop him from seeing the girls again unless it's at a contact center.

[SarahH12]

You have no reason to doubt yourself although I do understand why you do. I don't have DC of my own (DSD only ) so no experience of the abuse to the DC but I can relate to the puppy dog expression and feeling they've done nothing wrong.

Please don't send your DD's. I've been on the receiving end as a teenager from my Dad. They absolutely can still love him but be in danger (I did!). Get on to women's aid and see if they can put you up in a refuge far far away from him!

[GBroGal]

I have just e-mailed the police officer who was involved the first time, and updated her on what's going on
Yes - well done for the email. However, if the first time the police were involved was two years ago, the police officer may be in a different section - even a different county by now, because they can be posted to new places, or she may have been promoted. I would follow your email up with a phone call to check that she's received it, or, if she has moved on, to find out who you should contact now.
Best wishes to you and your daughters.

[RB68]

You need to be firm and consistent and not give into the puppy dog face - he is deliberately manipulating you - this is what narcissists and controllers do to get their own way. hey hate being told No and wil work on you to turn that to a yes and then they "Win". I think you also need to be in touch with the domestic abuse tem. I don't know why SS let you continue with contact with him those children are at risk.

[Lovemusic33]

Be firm. Text him or email him saying he will not be seeing the dd’s until ss have finished their investigations, tell him you will not be at the house for him to collect them. Take the dd’s out.

[nearlyfiftyjeez]

Op don’t panic about the confrontation. Do as other pp have suggested and text him to say they are ill. Then block him from everything. Inform SS of your decision and ask the police for a restraining order. Explain to them how terrified you are.
Personally I would be packing up and relocating hundreds of miles away with no forwarding address. Women’s aid can help with a refuge if you need one.
The priority is your dds safety and you sound so scared of him.
Get the hell out and make a new life if you can. Your girls will be severely damaged with a man like this.

[NoLightInTheTunnel]

@GBroGal - yes, she has replied saying she no longer works in Child Protection and suggested I call 101, but also said the safeguarding team will take the necessary steps.

I'm not going to call or text him tonight - he's probably still fuming and sobbing on the girlfriend's shoulder about what a nasty bitch I am, and how the school is treating him like the bad guy, when he's done nothing wrong.

I'll call in the morning, after 20 cups of coffee to work up the courage.

[Arum51]

Look, kids can be conflicted, in exactly the same way as adults can. Just because your kids love their dad, it doesn't mean they want to be handed over to his sole care. They've come to you for help. So step up.

You've spoken to the FSP, who has spoken to him. You now need to ring social services for advice. What do you need to do here? You need them to tell you what to do, so your arse is covered, and the children are protected. Frankly, until this investigation is completed, he should not have unsupervised access to the children. Get that emailed across to you.

Then text him. Tell him that's what you've been told, and that you will call the police if he turns up. Then DO IT. You need to protect your DDs.

As for Housing, you are a single mum with kids. Unless you are being evicted due to your own behaviour, you are at the top of the list for re-housing. Get far away from him.

[C0untDucku1a]

Whatever face he makes, you know he is lying.

[NoLightInTheTunnel]

I also heard the girls talking in their room this morning while getting dressed. One of them said to the other: Don't treat me like dad used to treat mum! Broke my heart .

[Mix56]

can you call the domestic violence police number & explain this? maybe they will can advise ?

[NoLightInTheTunnel]

Oh, and he also wants one of them to live with him permanently, as apparently he'll be £1,000 better off each month due to CB and tax credits. lmao. If only! I could do with an extra £1,000 month! He then added as an aside that he'd also like to see the girls more often.

[Whatiwishfor]

Omg you poor thing. Iv had a similar situation.

Even with a court order in place police didnt make me send my children when my stbxh turned up when i declined contact (different reasons, but reasons that had been agreed with by my solicitor)
First of all you need to be seen as the protective factor, the parent that protects and that will put the children first. Yes your scared i would be to but you can not send them. Also if you do send them what will SS think? 1) that your not protecting your children 2) That the situation isnt so bad, your almost condoning him pushing them around.
So you have 2 choices

1. remain in your house, lock all doors, tell him that he is not having the children, inform the police that there will be a possible problem and children are involved.
   
2. Take the kids away and then inform him.
   Only thing is that you will have to keep this up until this situation is resolved,.
   You really do need to see a solicitor, do you work? you may be in titled to legal aid.
   I have been there, and its unbelievably stressful, but protecting your children comes first and that will shine through to the professionals.

[Whatiwishfor]

Make all contact via text or email, dont talk to him!! He will twist what you say and there is trace of how abusive he is. You will need this evidence.

[52FestiveRoad]

He can sound very reasonable and convincing if he chooses to.

But now he has shown his true colours and it has been witnessed outside of the family. So you should now be able to stop contact if you have an independent witness to his behaviour. As for the eviction, I believe you could use it to your advantage if you get re-housed, hopefully he wont have to know your new address.

As an aside, why does he only want one child to live with him? You can't split up siblings like that, I would mention that to the family support person at the same time.

[gottastopeatingchocolate]

I understand that it isn't that simple - my DD (6) is scared of her father, and doesn't want to go, but I have been told that I must send her. I agree with PP saying speak asap to social services as they are involved already and may be able to support. It may need to go back to court. If the children are reaching puberty, their voice should (theoretically) be heard more at that age.

[HappyHedgehog247]

It sounds like your immediate issue is how to manage the confrontation over conflict tomorrow. I have found text or email only, as short and factual as possible, do not engage in to and fro - let him have ‘the last word’. You can either be out or if safe in with doors locked. I’m not an expert on social workers, police etc but there must be someone you can call. Good luck and stand strong for your girls.

[RandomMess]

It's totally unreasonable that they go every weekend, where is your chilled out time with them

Honestly I would be withholding contact and going to court for supervised contact

His behaviour towards the DC is going to get worse as the girls increasingly have opinions of their own.

[NoLightInTheTunnel]

@52FestiveRoad - not only are they siblings, they're twins. DTD1, due to her autism, can be a very difficult child. She only really acts up badly at my house and treats me the way her dad used to treat me, as that's what she learned when she was little. I do need a break from her, so weekends free are precious to me. However, I'd give up that freedom in a heartbeat if it meant keeping her safe from him. During a meltdown I got so fed up that I told her she can go live with her dad. So that's where he got the idea from .

[Toofle]

Why are you waiting till tomorrow to call 101 and/or SS? This isn't going to get better overnight, and the sooner you ask for help the more chance there'll be that help can be arranged.

[NoLightInTheTunnel]

I can't phone 101 with the girls in the house/awake. DTD1 already got so upset about the conversation with the FSP - wanting to phone her dad and apologise for telling school he hurt her. I'll have to wait 'till they're asleep.

[YearOfYouRemember]

It's a good idea to text and say the children are ill so best you keep them so he doesn't get it. Say diarrhoea, vomiting, etc. All stuff this idiot won't want to deal with.

It's wet to say his puppy dog face makes you doubt yourself. You know he's abusive and you need to stop being manipulated. Your children need you to be strong. You can do this if you want too.

Look at a child minder if you need a break. Don't put your kids in harms way because you need a rest.

[Teachtolive]

I'm familiar with that puppy dog look which is why you need to stick to a script. He'll try and talk his way around you. You come back with the same thing every time "That's not the issue, the girls don't want to see you, I'm respecting them." Do it over the phone or from behind a closed door if you have to. Don't look at him. Summon the coldest part of yourself and keep it in play any time you have to speak with him. You are the only advocate the girls have.

You also need to work on fully removing your own blinkers. No way in hell could I call someone a good dad at all if they pushed around my kids. He could bring them on holiday every day of the week and it wouldn't matter. One abusive incident is enough to unravel anything good.