Angry ex, scared kids, and me

[NoLightInTheTunnel]

Long time poster, name changed for this. Also posting here for traffic.

I know what you all are going to say, but it's not that simple .

Back story: Ex was very abusive - mentally, emotionally, financially. Once or twice physically. DD1 (9) has ASD (diagnosed), but he refuses to accept it, saying she's just a naughty child. Two years ago he hurt DD1 and the GP reported him to the police and SS. He received a caution, which he now insists is rubbish and doesn't mean anything. He has both DDs every weekend.

Due to various reasons (eg DD1 threatening to kill herself), we have a CAF in place at school. The girls have told their teacher their dad has been pushing them around again, so it's been forwarded to the safeguarding team. I tried to speak to him about it and was told it's rubbish and the girls are exaggerating. He can sound very reasonable and convincing if he chooses to.

Today the Family Support Practitioner phoned him to discuss the concerns. She called me afterwards and was obviously shaken. She said she's never encountered a parent that hostile, and that he screamed at her and was absolutely vile. He is going to report her for misconduct. The school is persecuting him and trying to micromanage his life. The FSP warned me that he is extremely angry - fuming, and concerned that he will tell the girls not to tell me if he hurts them.

So he's due to pick them up tomorrow afternoon. They don't want to go. Telling him that will just make him angrier. Even after 5 years away from him I'm still scared to confront him. I will be at the receiving end of his anger. I want to move to the opposite end of the world to get away from him. Overall I think he's a good dad, even though your typical Disney Dad. Apart from him pushing them around (I've seen this and spoken to him about it - apparently they need pushing around a bit if they refuse to listen to them).

I don't want to send the girls to his, but they love their dad, and my stomach is in scared knots at the thought of confronting him.

I've also received an eviction notice and have two months to find somewhere else to live.

I'm at the end - I have no idea which way to turn. Please help .

[NoLightInTheTunnel]

He took the girls out for lunch yesterday and was all Mr Nice Reasonable I'm Innocent. He is going to make trouble for the FSP, that's for damn sure though. I hope he gets into trouble for treating a public official doing her job the way he did.

My housing appointment has been changed to next Friday. I'll definitely see if I can get an out of area home.

[FoofFighter]

How are things op?

[Ohb0llocks]

Oh op I feel for you. It's hard standing up to them.

Please don't send your girls somewhere they don't feel safe.

You need to speak to a solicitor. You should get legal aid given that he's violent. I wouldn't be willing to allow unsupervised contact given his history.

[GoldfishCrackers]

Sorry wrong thread
OP you're doing really well. Standing up to him will feel really difficult because he's made a point of punishing you for that for a long time.

[NoLightInTheTunnel]

You're right - my advice to her would be to run as far and as fast as she can .

He'll only be taking them for lunch in a public place, and the girlfriend will be there - the girls love her. SS and the police aren't involved yet, but SS at least will be involved after the meeting on Wednesday.

I have a meeting with Housing on Tuesday, and will say I prefer to be housed out of area. Housing is in desperate short supply here anyway.

Thank you all for your support and advice - it means a lot to me .

[Costacoffeeplease]

But he’s still taking them tomorrow, how do the girls feel about that? And more importantly, what will the police and SS make of it?

[Fuzzywig]

I agree with Dragon you are much stronger than you realise.

I believe your children would be better off if you cut contact, with grandparents too, and moved away. You don’t owe him anything he is abusive to you and your children. You have said you want to warn his girlfriend? What would you say? Whatever advice you would give her is advice you should live by.

[gillybeanz]

I don't understand why you are anywhere near him you don't need to have any contact with him at all.
He's abusive and you seem to have gained nothing from leaving him.
Move far away and have no contact with him again.
FFS until you get away, just block his number.
Send one last message that dc don't want to see him, then never bother again.

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

I really feel for you OP, you poor love. I have a narcissist in my family, I understand the fear in the pit of your stomach.
Sending much love and a warm handhold.
You're not alone Sweet, you really aren't.💐

[Dragongirl10]

just read your update op, so very glad your girls are safe home with you for now, please please don't trust him and inch , it is classic abuser to play nicely once he thinks people are on to him......

You are so much smarter than he will ever expect, by all means play nice but underneath use all your wits to find out how to get him kept permanently away from you all.

He has strength and intimidation on his side but you have the law and your brain to get what you want, please have confidence in yourself and your ability to keep your DDs safe and away from him.

We all think you are so much braver and stronger than you realise.

[WellThisIsShit]

Good luck, I hope you haven’t heard from him.

[NoLightInTheTunnel]

Thanks @Lizzie48.

@BobbinsBoo1 - I don't know if you've ever been in an abusive relationship. They wear you down over the years 'till you start believing you really are a piece of shit like they always insisted you were. You dread any type of confrontation with them, as it takes you back to when you were a quivering wreck in their presence. It feels easier to give in than to confront. I'm much stronger now, but my stomach still knots when I think I have to discuss anything with him or confront him about anything. Also of course the fear that if I do make him angry, he'll take it out on the girls. I'd like to think not, but I can't be 100% sure. So I play nice.

[Lizzie48]

That was for @BobbinsBoo1 explaining why the OP would have felt that she was doing the right thing allowing her XH to have regular contact.

You're doing really well, @NoLightInTheTunnel I hope you have a lovely weekend with your DDs.

[Lizzie48]

The trouble is the abuse becomes normalised so that the victims doesn't recognise it as abuse. Hence why the OP used to think that her XH was mostly a good father.

My DM has said in recent years that she always thought our abusive F smacked us too hard and didn't like that. But she just thought that 'men don't know their own strength' and hence he was doing it because he loved us.

I hate that argument. Yes, men sometimes don't know their own strength; my DH is well aware of this and is very wary of restraining our DDs in case he hurts them.

[NoLightInTheTunnel]

Bobbins - I'm desperately trying to find some sort of medium here, not a happy medium, but at least something.

He called back and I told him the girls wanted to stay at mine. He must know what it's about, as he didn't kick up a fuss at all, just agreed. He will be taking them out for lunch tomorrow, but the girlfriend will be there, and she's a genuinely nice person. I so wish I could warn her what's in store for her, but she won't listen, as he's still in the prince charming stage of narcissism with her. The girls say that when he's with her he's extra nice, and if he says anything nasty to them she tells him off. So it'll be lunch, out in public, with a 'moderator'.

[Itneedstobedone]

Jesus, Bobbins you stick that boot in. OP has already said her daughters are not going this weekend. She has spoken to SS and the police and all you can do is berate her and tell her to do better, while not actually offering any advice on what to do better.

Well done OP on standing your ground.

[FoofFighter]

@BobbinsBoo1
Unfortunately the law is not usually behind us in cases like this :(

[InBlackwaterWoods]

Good for you OP, very brave of you to speak to the police and face up to your abusive ex.
Hope he doesn't kick off but if he does, call the police.
Your daughter's are telling you they're scared, so glad you listened to them.
Best of luck, keep being strong

[Cblue]

Well done. You have done the right thing.
It may be unpleasant for a while but there's lots of us on MN to give you any emotional support you need.
Dig deep and think of your DC

[NoLightInTheTunnel]

Thanks guys .

@OliviaBenson - don't know about lovely weekend lol - the deal is they help me spring clean the house .

[NameChangingParanoid]

You’re doing so well dealing with this all on your own.

Keep it up, your girls need a strong role model & you’re showing them a great example.

[RandomMess]

[OliviaBenson]

Well done op!!!!! I hope he doesn't cause trouble but do ring the police if he starts acting up. I hope you have a lovely weekend with your girls