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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to cancel tonight at last minute.. Or shake me to see sense

40 replies

INeedMoreCakeInMyLife · 20/07/2018 15:45

So. Posted previously about the fact I think I may be suffering with PND ( docs next week)
So baby is 4 months. Only left with my mum for a dentist appointment or for ten min to do school run occasionally. And obviously left with dp.. Norm while I go grocery shopping (I hate if dp goes for me as I need to check best dates on everything.. He wouldn't lol, and I love grocery shopping)

I haven't been out to socialise in probably two years., simply because It was to places I wouldn't go to as not comfortable . Then was ill. Then pregnant so it was my perfect excuse not to go out with work colleagues (too tired) or so etimes, dp was working so had no one for my eldest...

Anyway. Yesterday it was sprung on me to go out with some workmates. Ones who I get on quite well with. But haven't heard much from them since mat leave. I said yes id go.. It's local and only for about 3 hours.
I was kinda looking forward to it when mentioned.

Today.. I just have a sense of dread. I'm trying to think of excuses..im feeling really un easy about it. I have no idea why. My heart is racing thinking about it.
I'm driving so can leave if needed.. But then I'd feel rude..

I hate being out of routine.. Even just by an hour so this is killing me.

Shall I just cancel

OP posts:
Rachelsholiday · 20/07/2018 15:48

Really I world try your best to go. Maybe drive so you can leave whenever you fancy but try to go.

You wouldn't have been invited if they didn't want to see you.

What is it that's stopping you do you think?

TheVanguardSix · 20/07/2018 15:51

Yes. Absolutely cancel.

If you're not a social butterfly right now, or ever really, honour this. Honour your feelings and don't be apologetic about being this way.

Make a nice excuse and bow out. People understand. Flowers

ThisIsntMeHonestGuv · 20/07/2018 15:51

I hear you.

I'm like this. But honestly, every time I've felt I couldn't cancel and I've gone, I've had a much better night than I could have hoped for.

Its up to you, but I suspect it will be just what you need at the moment - even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

NoLongerAskedForID · 20/07/2018 15:51

OP I've had similar, milder symptoms recently. I socialise quite a lot but sometimes it requires a real push. And I had that weird feeling of dread before something harmless last weekend! I put it down to hormones as sure periods are about to return. But yes- I even said that it was the same feeling I'd get before presentation o

Original poster
INeedMoreCakeInMyLife · 20/07/2018 15:52

Honestly I don't know why? X

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 20/07/2018 15:52

Is it for food ? If it is I would go just to enjoy eating in peace ☺ but if you really are struggiling cancel and rearrange you don't need to force yourself to do anything.

NoLongerAskedForID · 20/07/2018 15:53

Oops...

Or exam. Anyway I'd advise trying to push forward as much as you feel comfortable doing, and go out. You may have fun! I believe not going will only intensify the feelings over time. Good luck!

SunnyCoco · 20/07/2018 15:54

I’ve been where you are and honestly you really need to try to go
You have to break the negative cycle
Have you had any CBT I think it could really work for what you are describing
Best of luck x

TheVanguardSix · 20/07/2018 15:57

Just agreeing that if you do go, you will undoubtedly have a great time and relax once you're there. What you're feeling now will totally dissipate.

But I am like you, OP. It's my nature as opposed to a passing state and I often don't make plans because of my anxiety around socialising. It's related to just being on the go all day and too tired in the evening, really. But whenever I do go out- which is seldom- it's always a great time, every time. And connecting with friends/colleagues you really like and who really want to see you could be a real boost.

But back to my original advice, don't hesitate to cancel if the thought of going out is too stressful. Go easy on yourself.

jarhead123 · 20/07/2018 16:00

I could have written this post.

I am awaiting one to one counselling on the NHS at the moment and take sertraline for my anxiety. It does sound as though seeing the GP will help.

I would cancel, you don't need this stress right now. (although my opinion may be skewed!)

ineedwine99 · 20/07/2018 16:03

I would try and go lovely, even if for an hour, at least by driving you are in control and have the freedom to leave.
I get anxious being out of routine but once i push past it it's usually ok, if i find i'm not having a good time i just explain how tired i am and leave

GreyHare · 20/07/2018 16:22

Do you actually want to go? I would say go, I allowed my depression and anxieties to get the better of me and ended up with a terrible case of agoraphobia and didn't leave the house for ten years and it started with cancelling plans which I wanted to go out too until the day and the dread set in, so I would try and go as you will most likely enjoy yourself once out, hope your docs appointment go well.

RedSkyLastNight · 20/07/2018 16:24

Go and tell yourself that if you're not enjoying it you will leave after an hour. I bet you'll be fine when you get there.

Cismyass · 20/07/2018 16:27

Don't feel you have to go OP. I 100% understand though i've pretty much shrunk my life down to listening to the radio, grocery shopping and the odd playdate for DD(4). It's shit but if the fear is to great just give it a miss Flowers I hope the Dr helps you.

ThePlanetGoesOnBeingRound3 · 20/07/2018 16:29

I'm like this all the time OP, I like the idea and then when it gets to the time, I'm terrified.
As pp has said, the times when I have forced myself to go have always been much better than I dreaded.
You'll have the car so you'll be able to escape if things get too much for you.
You could even mention to the friend that you get on well with, that you're nervous about being out so may have to go home early, I'm sure they'll help you to bow out gracefully if needed.

ItchyBitchFace · 20/07/2018 16:29

I'd try and go. I get how you feel. I was very anxious after having my daughter and didn't want to leave her. I used to think i wanted a night out but when the night rolled around I would feel dread and not want to go.
If you are driving you can leave early but try at least being there for an hour and then review every hour after that. You can leave whenever you like but you might enjoy it and a break is a great help for new mums.

ilikesalad · 20/07/2018 16:31

This was me 7 years ago.

I’d say go for it. You’re driving and have a young baby so you have the excuse to leave if you aren’t feeling it once you’re there.

The hardest part is actually going. You never know you might have a good time. Please don’t isolate yourself. It becomes harder to go out once you start doing that. I’ve been there.

I hope you have a lovely night 😊

Echobelly · 20/07/2018 16:33

I would try to go - I have to say I've never felt that way, but I have gone on nights I didn't feel like because I have a very strong principle about keeping invitations unless there is a seriously good reason not to, and I have never had a bad time going on one of those ones I didn't feel like.

I know this is a much stronger feeling, but I think showing yourself you can defeat that feeling is a good precedent to set.

If need be maybe set someone up to phone you part way through and if for some reason you are having trouble coping, you can claim some baby-related reason you have to go back? So that way you have a get out without feeling rude or whatever.

bringincrazyback · 20/07/2018 16:38

I have a feeling if you go, you'll end up being glad you did. I've never had PND but I suffer 'regular' depression and often get that feeling of dread you mention. I sometimes really can't face something and then I do cancel, but I nearly always find that if I push past it and keep my social plans, I end up feeling a lot better. Give yourself some me-time, you deserve it. :)

ShakingInTheHighCourt · 20/07/2018 16:43

Could you give yourself a get out clause? Say your baby has been a bit off colour and you may need to leave if your dp feels you are needed.

Chances are you will enjoy meeting your friends and it may also help you with returning to work to stay in touch. If you are not enjoying yourself or start to feel edgy you can look regretful and say it’s been so lovely t see you all but I do have to go.

They won’t mind and will be pleased you came. Good luck with the GP appointment.

Isleepinahedgefund · 20/07/2018 16:46

Force yourself to go. Could you get one of the to call for you if you’re leaving from home?

BlancheM · 20/07/2018 16:49

Try to go. Like you said, you're driving so you're ok. Think where you're going, envision an 'escape route' so you know in your head where to go if it feels overwhelming.
You can be upfront about your intention to leave, you don't need excuses or justifications! Or see how things pan out and then just leave playing it by ear.
Hope you manage to go and have a really good time :)

Original poster
INeedMoreCakeInMyLife · 20/07/2018 16:49

Thanks for your replies. I am going to try and go. It's literally five minutes drive away ( walking distance but not safest at night which is one of the main reasons I'm driving)
Will see how it goes.. Just showered and done my hair ready. Just getting ready in dribs and drabs so not rushing causing more anxiety x

OP posts:
Thankfuckitsfriday1 · 20/07/2018 16:52

If you aren’t ready don’t go. You’ll feel nervous whenever you leave baby but it’s he dread feeling that’s the clincher I found.

I left my baby at 6 months to go on a date night and in all honestly I felt sick when I was getting ready, wanted to cancel and didn’t want to do it but I did and I did not enjoy myself. I spent the whole time wanting to go home and I cried when out.

Fast forward to 10 months old and I left him again for the second time and although o did feel sick again I felt less dread and o was ready that time, I wasn’t the first time. I have PND too x

MrsJayy · 20/07/2018 16:58

See you made a decision enjoy your night and catch up with your friends☺