Being taken shopping

[MsBagelLady]

My DF has offered several times to take me clothes shopping. I usually buy second hand and am struggling at the moment to find anything to wear. My DF only wants to help me and make my life easier, the thing is that I do not understand what 'take me shopping for clothes' means. Does it mean buy a dress, a whole new wardrobe, something to wear to go out for dinner? I haven't asked DF these questions as I become immediately stressed, overwhelmed and start crying. He says he thinks that I think I don't deserve new clothes but I don't think this is the reason. I haven't bought myself any clothes new [other than undies] for about thirty years. I am getting upset writing this. So, yes I probably am being unreasonable and expect to be slated but here goes...it's advice I need really.

All these shops (including @angelichosts options) are available on the same street in Bath, OP

www.mistral-online.com/

www.whitestuff.com/

No-one will care how you are dressed. The assumption will be that you have come to shop, nothing more. The ladies that work there know their stuff, and are happy to help. They also put outfits together for you to see on display in the shop. You an walk in and think "Fuck me, no!" to one thing, then "Hmmm... can totally rock that" to another.

One thing I'd say is that if you're a scarf fan (like me) buy them at the shops/stalls around the Cathedral. Much cheaper than the shops.

@angelichosts I just clicked the links and there we have it, the issue, the price.
My DP/DF earns plenty of money, those prices would not phase him in the slightest but...they phase me, hugely.
@billybagpuss I spoke to my DF/DP about me being unable to justify the cost of new clothes and he said that I have no need to do that. I am finding it difficult to imagine spending [I don't even know how much new clothes are] 'that much' on clothes.

You don't have to replace your whole wardrobe, just challenge yourself to let your lovely fiance treat you to a nice new dress. Give it a go. I can understand the hesitation over the cost, but maybe try and write down why you think you can't do this.

I'm all for living within your means and have struggled for money myself in the past but we are fortunate enough to be able to buy the other nice outfit from places like Seasalt now, so I treat myself. So should you!

Go for one outfit from one shop with a wide range, like Marks and Spencer's or Debenhams, then you can take it back if you have panicked and bought the wrong thing.

Decide what you would like- if you have lots of dresses then jeans, a top, sneakers and a jacket would be nice. Alternatively, a dress with a handbag, shoes and cardigan.

Maybe you could plan an outing together to wear the outfit? So an outfit for a picnic, or a trip to the cinema.

I would go to some shops look at cleaning then see what I like then arrange with DF to go shopping I think considering that you [and me!) have been shopping mostly in charity shops your unlikely to run up a bill as high as a car lol

Your DF thinks your worth a lot and he loves you let him treat you and enjoy yourself. Price up the stuff ask him if that’s okay with a touch extra and go to town xxx

Clothes not cleaning lol

OP - how about something like this from Amazon? Not too expensive, you can try it on at home in comfortand you can return it if you dislike it. I’m a similar size to you but shorter - I ordered it in the medium and it was massive so I’m now waiting for a small. It came well past my knees. The fabric is lovely, very soft and natural feeling, not shiny or sweaty.

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B075M49DHL/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o05_s00?psc=1&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8

@MsBagelLady you don't have to 'justify' the cost of new clothes. Unless you want to go to Primark and spend 50p on something put together by a Bangladeshi 8 year old?

Stuff costs things. You pay the price for it. You are not being more/less moral by buying things. You need to have clothes. The ones you have are too small. So go to a clothes shop and buy some that fit. Buying from charity shops does not help the people who rely on their income from making these clothes, or selling them in shops. Refusing to get involved in the economy does not make you morally superior to anyone else. It's like people who buy Fair Trade flowers from Guatemala. No concept of the environmental impact of the shipping, or the impact on local farmers in the UK.

Maybe try not to look at the price? After all if these are the clothes that you normally buy just second hand, somebody paid that much for them in the first place. In fact, if you think about the materials, the time it takes a person to design and make something (and hopefully that person is not a six year old in Bangladesh), the transport (perhaps sustainable) to the shop and the heating, lighting, sales staff, display materials etc - clothes probably are quite expensive to produce so it may be worth paying more if you have the means to do so, which on this occasion you do.

I mean, you can get a dress for £7 in Primark but it will have been made of cheap materials which won't last well, using child labour, sometimes ripping off other artists' designs without credit to them and then shipped halfway across the world.

Perhaps it would make you feel better about high prices if you carefully choose the places you shop at in order to make sure that the money is going to honest sources? (Thinking of the current Chanel/Burberry thread...)

My DD is at uni in Bristol and i like to go shopping when i visit her. Cabot is okay but Bath is fantastic. It has all my favourite shops. I am 55 and favour White Stuff, Fatface, Joules, Monsoon and Jigsaw. I am not keen on Primark, New Look, H&M or Next. There appear to be lots of sales on at the moment so get going!

If you can, try and take the pressure of yourself and say let's have the day out, have lunch and a look round. It's OK to feel extremely anxious about something you've never done. I would suggest go to Cribbs because it's a manageable size. The M&S there is way better than in Bristol. You might also like Monsoon. Have a look, don'y rush into anything, have a lovely lunch at Cafe Rouge then decide

If the prices are stressing you out, have you tried Tesco and Sainsburys? They have some really nice stuff.

Debenhams Maine

I just wanted to say your fiancé sounds lovely, which is very refreshing to read on here. Just remember there's no pressure to buy anything, and dress in clothes that are comfy and easy to put on and take off, in case you'll be trying on lots of things.

Another vote for online shopping!

I can see that some posters don't understand your reaction but I get it, absolutely. Clothes shopping used to make me feel really anxious. There is a lot I don't like about it:
There is so much STUFF everywhere, and so many people
I don't like crowded spaces
I don't like being too hot
I don't like having to make lots of decisions
I don't want to try everything on because I get sweaty
I worry about regretting bad purchasing decisions
I worry about whether the stuff I'm buying has been made in a sweatshop
I have no innate sense of style or even much idea of which colours go together.
I don't really like spending long periods of time doing one thing.

These are the reasons why I have never got on board with the idea of shopping as a leisure activity. For me, it has always been a practical necessity, and something that needs to be approached systematically!

We're all different- there's nothing wrong with the way you feel.

Thank you all so much. I feel so much more empowered and able to talk to my beautiful DP/DF when I see him tomorrow.
You have offered me practical solutions, I am so grateful and shall initially look online and then talk to my DP/DF about arranging a shopping trip, [controlled breathing] at some point.
Yes I feel that the change in my body shape and size has negatively affected me, but I need to wear clothes and feel, at the very least, OK in them and they need to fit my body and my style.
I have received some very useful and positive information and advice from you all, thank you.
If we have a successful experience I shall let you know, I hope we do.

Please don't worry about feeling out of place. I used to work in a luxury handbag store. One of our VIPs used to turn up in holey leggings carrying a plastic tesco bag. She'd spend £10k+...

Shop staff certainly know better than to judge on appearance.

Why not sit down on your own and make a list of things you really need to get you through to Xmas. That will help you feel in control.

It’s the end of the season so maybe a couple of cotton summer skirts & tops in the Sales on one shopping trip.

Then some decent boots for autumn, a couple of sweaters and some jeans on the 2nd trip. And if he will stretch to it, a waterproof coat.
Then you can fill in undies, socks, tights, t-shirts on your own.

Better than wandering around shops you don’t know, not knowing what you are looking for.

A lovely problem to have - have fun.

OP, Cribbs is full of people looking scruffy as well as smart and anywhere in between, so I wouldn’t worry about that. I love buying quality clothing from charity shops too, but you haven’t bought anything new for 30 years? I would think about the reason for that. While you’re there, go to T.K. Maxx at the retail centre near the John Lewis end of Cribbs. You might find that more similar to the ‘hunter-gathering’ nature of charity shopping. Good luck!

Just see it as a nice day out and if you find something nice to wear great, if not oh well. Just have a browse around, a coffee, a nice lunch, get a couple of bits for the house or a book etc. No one will give two hoots about what you have on, just wear something simple, jeans and a tee and a smile on your face, you can't look scruffy if your hair is groomed and your clothes are clean. You can shop anywhere you like, but see what high street shops suit your style before you go. Go with an open mind and enjoy!

IF YOure anxious my suggestion would be not to go at the weekend when it is busy, queues for changing rooms etc. My DH used to get a bit like this and have found now that week day shopping or evening shopping is calmer.

Why don’t you pick a few shops online that you think have a few bits you might like and just start with that. You have mentioned a few items you have that you like so that’s a good start. Maybe just stick to the few you have chosen for now rather than being too ambitious.

MsBagelLady

Thank you for your reply.

The following brands and online stores may have some garments to suit your style and characteristics, and there are lots of sales on too - yippee!!!

Mint Velvet
Zara
The White Company
French Connection
Phase Eight
Sézane
La Redoute
People Tree

That’s brilliant that you’re thinking of learning how to sew with your machine. I make some of my own clothes, and some for my Daughters sometimes, I find it very therapeutic.

MsBagelLady

www.old-town.co.uk/collections/product/products/x-over

I’ve just found this company that may be of interest.

I don't like shopping, do you have a Waitrose near you? If you do you can do click and collect from John Lewis, it's easy to browse the website and think what you like, if funds allow buy things try them and then return via Waitrose again, for me this is fairly stress free, you have 90 days to return stuff, you don't miss deliveries and you can try on in peace at home. They also have a style edit on the website where you can put in your shape, size, preferences and it will suggest things.

I'd have a look online .. I'm 52 .. I love clothes but prefer now to order things and try them on at home .. way more relaxed .. if you like dresses have a look at Wallis, Next, M&S .. start from there .. you can just send back what you don't like .. let us know what you find ... and have fun ! X

“I absolutely loathe going shopping. Too many people with too few boundaries standing way too close”

That never happens to me. Why do you feel that people stand too close to you. Do you shop at exceptionally busy times?

“I get clothes from Fat Face, white stuff, M and S mainly, with work stuff from Phase 8 and Rocha John Rocha. Almost all of it is bought second hand!”

You must live in an affluent area. All the charity shops round here have M & S, Next and Primark cast offs.

You do sound very down on yourself and unconfident. Why do you feel you aren’t “worth it”? You fiancé clearly does. He sounds like a keeper. You need to try and love yourself instead of putting yourself down all the time. What kind of clothes do you wear to work?