Being taken shopping

[MsBagelLady]

My DF has offered several times to take me clothes shopping. I usually buy second hand and am struggling at the moment to find anything to wear. My DF only wants to help me and make my life easier, the thing is that I do not understand what 'take me shopping for clothes' means. Does it mean buy a dress, a whole new wardrobe, something to wear to go out for dinner? I haven't asked DF these questions as I become immediately stressed, overwhelmed and start crying. He says he thinks that I think I don't deserve new clothes but I don't think this is the reason. I haven't bought myself any clothes new [other than undies] for about thirty years. I am getting upset writing this. So, yes I probably am being unreasonable and expect to be slated but here goes...it's advice I need really.

Maybe he could take you shopping online and you could have them delivered and try them on at home. It sounds as though you are maybe a bit depressed and he wants to cheer you up with some nice new clothes.

I think most people use DP (dear partner) which is possibly where the confusion has come from but don't worry about it :)

Why haven't you bought new clothes for 30 years? Money issues, body image, social anxiety? It sounds like there's some kind of mental block there and this is what's making you anxious. Did you buy new clothes 30 years ago? What happened to make you stop? It sounds like a kind thought from him but that it has dredged up something upsetting which you may need more time with. Just ask him to give you a little space to work things out in your head and then you'll let him know if you want to go clothes shopping.

I feel that in somewhere like Cribbs [which I believe is a shopping centre near Bristol] which is were we would be going, that I would feel out of place, scruffy and outdated. BUT I don't even know what's there so have made these decisions based on what...? Which shops would a 51 year old woman shop in? When he offers I just remember being too hot in New Look waiting for my daughters outside the changing rooms and being desperate to get out of there.

It's nice of him but don't feel you have to say yes.

You like second hand clothes. That's fine. I haven't bought a new piece of clothing in years. Charity shops, vintage shops and eBay are fabulous and I love shopping - alone. People think I'm crazy but I have zero interest in going into a 'normal' shop with new clothes in.

It might be unusual but it's not a problem. Arguably, it's a good thing - saves money!

I hate clothes shopping in actual shops, and the idea of doing it with someone else is even worse - not absolutely sure why, perhaps a sense of being on display? I had really horrendous shopping trips with my mum when I was a self-conscious teenager, so that probably hasn't helped. So much judgment involved. So I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

I shop online - there is a House of Fraser sale on at the moment, and I was really delighted to get stuff from there to try on and then take back. My partner is only involved in telling me I look lovely (whatever it is...) - he's got that down to a tee!

Could you break it down into something more managable? You don't seem to have a problem browsing/shopping in charity shops (I can't remember the last time I bought anything 'new' either!). Get an idea of the types of shop that stock your style of clothes by looking online first. Then just go in for a browse in a department store or a few smaller shops to start off with. If anyone asks if they can help you, you just smile and say 'I'm just browsing.'

If you feel ok with that, then decide on a few things that you'd really like - a dress, a skirt, maybe a bag or scarf. And then allow your fiance (who sounds lovely, btw) to treat you to them. None of the staff will judge you for how you look, they just want his money!

Personal shoppers could be an idea, but personally, I'd find it more stressful, and as though I was obliged to buy something, even if I hated it, just as a thank you for their time (I know that's not how it works, but I would feel like that)

Dear OP, I think I can relate to your reaction as I get panicky with modern technology sometimes (am old gimmer) - yet clothes shopping can be a pleasure so perhaps I and other posters can help you move from your panicky mode to taking it in your stride. First choose wisely where to shop. You've done undies shopping for years - so you're familiar with some shops and the basics of a customer experience; presumably in supermarkets or somewhere like M&S - well most big supermarkets have clothes departments, that may be somewhere to start - browse and see what's available, try things on, show your DF what they look like on, and see what he thinks. Perhaps do some browsing on websites first to get an idea before you step into a shop, think what colours you like, think what your best buys second-hand have been and look for something similar. Hope this helps

Why don't you browse online to look for ideas first, then go with your partner? Go later in the evening, a couple of hours before closing time as it will be much quieter.

I always window shop online, then I can cut my shopping time by only visiting the shops that have clothes in that I want to try on.

Maybe your fiance is sensing that you feel scruffy and wants to help you feel good about yourself.

I have supported a family member through anxiety, and it isn't a nice feeling when they throw it back in your face and refuse to engage. I realise that this is my problem and it shouldn't be about me, but I think you need to think about your fiance's feelings. He is just trying to do something nice for you, so try not to appear ungrateful.

Honestly you won't feel out of place in Cribbs, its not a posh kind of place. You have John Lewis at one end which is quite good if on the expensive side. Marks at the other where you will probably find plenty. There is a fat face which I always find something in and a gap and a next all of which should be perfectly suitable. Downstairs you have a Superdry and there is an H&M where I can never find anything but loads of people like.

The only thing you might find if you have been a charity shopper for so long is a mental block when it comes to the complete difference in pricing when you buy new.

Have fun and make sure he takes you for a Carluccios for lunch

@BertieBotts I have only bought secondhand for thirty years due to financial problems, my reasoning being that in my price range I can buy new cheap rubbish or used better quality clothes.
I like clothes, I have a preferred style that might be called 'utilitarian' but I don't know if that even is a style. I have a Fat Face skirt I really like but which is now too tight, a River Island skirt, same and an M&S linen dress, also a bit tight! The problem is [or one of them] that I have gained a size in a year and so few of my clothes are currently wearable. My DP/DF doesn't enjoy shopping and wears Levis bought online, t-shirts and hoodies, so him offering and even wanting to go to cribbs and around women's clothes shops is wholly to help/please me.

OP the shops you name there are a fantastic starting point for a browse; M&S and Fatface particularly. Maybe if you like Fatface then try Whitestuff too.

Can you pinpoint where your anxiety is coming from? If you're feeling low about yourself it's something to think on and make sure you're alright. If it's too much don't go and use the magic of online shopping!

Where do your favourite second hand clothes originally come from I.e. do they have John Lewis of next or M&S labels? I would use that as a basis for choosing which shop to go to. Maybe start by just going online to one of those shops and look at dresses only to start with. Think small and it will feel more manageable.

OP, forget Cribbs, it's a shithole. I never go there, because it's just bloody awful.

Instead, may I suggest a day out in Bath? Go to New Bond Street. It's central, and has Mistral, Seasalt, White Stuff and a couple of other 'suitable for 51 year old women' shops (well I'm 51, and it's where I shop!). You can mooch around, maybe pop into FatFace, which I don't normally like but has some nice stuff this season, on your way up from the train station. Once you've bought a few things, go to the Pump Rooms, or just anywhere really, for a nice meal. You could even combine your shopping day with a trip to the Spa. Don't make it some grim, "I must buy clothes" thing. It's a day out, you're going to have fun, and maybe pick up a couple of dozen things to wear!

I'm 51, hate shopping, but a day out in Bath is one of my favourite things, and I always come back with nice outfits. It's a real treat.

In that case Bagel Lady, get him to take you to an affluent area with a good range of charity shops and get yourself some lovely designer clothes in the right size for a much lower than normal price in an environment you feel comfortable in. Win win.

Don't let anybody make you feel you 'need' consumerism and new stuff. You don't. You just need clothing that makes you feel good.

I would go the personal shopper way. Years ago I lost quite a lot of weight but was so self conscious going shopping I normally came back empty handed as I felt nothing really suited me.

John Lewis is great for it. They may look a bit more expensive but the quality is good, some basic items will last you a long time. They also will tell yiu what colour and style suit you but aren’t offended if you don’t religiously buy what they bring.

If yiu give them a budget, they easily work with that.

And most importantly - while you May walk through the store once with them the rest is done in peace in a large suite, just you, the shopper and I would suggest your DF.

I'd say go in to bristol rather than cribbs, I never find clothes in cribbs. Most of the shops have bigger versions in cabots circus or the other shopping areas. There's the giant primark, no one could feel scruffy there! There is no dress code for shopping though, some people wear what I'd wear for a night out, some people wear what I'd lounge around my house in, most people are somewhere in the middle. No one will care what you wear.

"No one will care what you wear."

This ^^

If you don’t mind telling us OP, what is your clothing size and height? What about your shape (pear, apple etc?).

We could better suggest some shops, styles or particular garments that may suit you if you answer the above.

Are there any celebrities or family or friends whose style you really like?

Do you like to wear any particular colours, patterns or not?

I also suggest that you have a look online at capsule wardrobes, and get your clothes out and see if you need any of those items. Classic jeans, a leather jacket, white shirt for example are capsule wardrobe items, and can be accessoried in so many ways.

It may be that when you go shopping, that you fall in love with 1 thing, and that sets you on the right track and makes you feel more confident.

You may notice that the quality of a lot of the fibres and fabrics used on the high street has deteriorated, and sizing can really vary - so please try everything on.

As some previous posters have said, a personal shopper may be able to help you. I personally think though that it would be best for you to try and think about what you like and how you want to look first.

Please let us know OP, and we’ll try and help you.

He sounds lovely.

Try not to worry about it too much. You are not going to be treated like Julia Roberts shopping on Rodeo Drive. There will be as many people dressed casually like you as there will be people dolled up.

I would suggest agreeing a rough budget with him, then have a browse on the websites of shops you will be passing so you have an idea of
what’s available and how much it all costs. Once you have a budget and
an idea of costs then things will start to fall into place. You already know you could do with two new skirts and a new dress so,that’s a starting point.

I hope it works out better than you fear and you get some lovely things. Your DF is right, it sounds like you deserve them.

Sounds like you hit the jack pot with DF. Order a few things on Amazon so you don’t look too scruffy on your first big shopping trip. He wants you to look nice so go for it and have fun.

Arum does make a very good point about Bath, Cribbs is looking very dated now but its quite small and very easy if you haven't really done shopping before. Cabots is where most people are now going and I think you would find that overwhelming.

Bath also has some very good, affluent area charity shops. DD bought a practically new designer handbag for £14 last time we were there checked online when she got home, it was current season £275 !!

he means he wants to spend some money on you, for you to have nice things that you have chosen, that nobody else has ever worn and discarded.

You deserve those things and yoou won't be scruffy or out of place, you will be fine. Schedule in a cake break so you can have a rest from trying on clothes, and measure yourself with a tape measure, and google your clothes size, so you have an idea of sizes before you go, so you don't get any upsetting surprises.

I went a very, very long time without things for me. It's very hard to get yourself into the mindset of things for you. A very kind mumsnetter once sent me a pair of leather boots because my feet were freezing. They were beautiful but they frightened me. Too nice for me, you see. I got over it and you will too.

There is no such thing as too good for you, too nice for you, too posh for you. You are enough.

I absolutely loathe going shopping. Too many people with too few boundaries standing way too close, I hate it. But... I adore Fat Face. The shop isn't loud and full and awful so I can go there, see lovely things, maybe buy something and then leave. I do most of my clothes shopping online but if I've seen something online then I know exactly what I'm looking for if I go to the shop. Just take little steps, you don't have to throw yourself in to shopping trip hell. Have a browse online and see if there's one thing you like the look of. Don't overwhelm yourself with whole wardrobe makeovers.

The John Lewis at Cribbs is nice, but it is a rather frantic shopping centre which gets very hot. I can generally find something to buy there as there is a big H&M, big Next and the M&S and John Lewis mentioned.
There will be no one dressed up to shop there, just be sure to wear something you can get in and out of easily for all the trying on. Bath is nice, big Debenhams and a big M&S, plus House of Fraser and lots of nice smaller shops. If you live north of Bristol you might look at Cheltenham, compact town centre with all the usual shops.

Im not young and go to Cribbs occasionally with an even older relative. It has plenty of friendly chatty Bristolian staff in the shops. I don't think it's at all 'posh' or intimidating and I'm easily put off by places that are!
Last year I knew exactly the style of denim dress I wanted but couldn't find it anywhere. Then I did, in Fatface on Euston station as I scurried from the bus to the train. Very unusual for me to buy new!
I do hope your day out shopping goes well. You're not seeing DF's generosity as an attempt to change your style, are you? It may just be that he doesn't understand the joy of finding something to fit and suit you in a charity shop. I do, two of my favourite hot weather dresses are Wallis but from charity shops. It's all good recycling after all!