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Original poster

Being taken shopping

104 replies

MsBagelLady · 20/07/2018 15:06

My DF has offered several times to take me clothes shopping. I usually buy second hand and am struggling at the moment to find anything to wear. My DF only wants to help me and make my life easier, the thing is that I do not understand what 'take me shopping for clothes' means. Does it mean buy a dress, a whole new wardrobe, something to wear to go out for dinner? I haven't asked DF these questions as I become immediately stressed, overwhelmed and start crying. He says he thinks that I think I don't deserve new clothes but I don't think this is the reason. I haven't bought myself any clothes new [other than undies] for about thirty years. I am getting upset writing this. So, yes I probably am being unreasonable and expect to be slated but here goes...it's advice I need really.

OP posts:
PolkaHots · 20/07/2018 16:08

Are you worried he is trying change you? Implying the way you dress isn’t good enough?

donutsarelife · 20/07/2018 16:10

@MsBagelLady I am a 41 year old who has been to cribbs recently. There are plenty of shops for people of our age xx

Original poster
MsBagelLady · 20/07/2018 16:15

@Argeles I'm 5'5 and a size 12 skirt/bottoms and possibly a 14 now on top. All of my clothes are size ten so I'm uncomfortable a lot of the time, all I have in my [sort of] size is a dress which I feel is far too young for me or rather, not something I feel comfortable in but in a different way to my too small clothes. I like khaki, grey, black, green, bird prints[no floral] and natural fabrics. I prefer dresses to any other clothes, whether that's with leggings in the winter or of the summer variety, knee length[ish].
I would very much like to learn how to sew using my hand operated sewing machine so that I could make the, pinafore is not the right word, style dresses that I see myself in, however, current circumstance does not allow this. One day, DP/DF and I shall be self sufficient, [I grow food] and I think that maybe making [some of] my own clothes would be absolutely ideal.

OP posts:
manicinsomniac · 20/07/2018 16:18

he means he wants to spend some money on you, for you to have nice things that you have chosen, that nobody else has ever worn and discarded

Which is very sweet of him but not necessary and maybe not even wanted by the OP. There is nothing wrong with buying exclusively from charity shops at all. Many of them have a wide choice of high quality, originally very expensive clothes to suit a wide range of styles and sizes. The range can much more interesting than a high street shop that has to stock the exact same item in several sizes and colours and only has things from that season's fashion.

I second the quality of charity shops in Bath.

Scaredofthegym · 20/07/2018 16:23

From the description you've given of yourself I would say fat face/white stuff/sea salt would suit you well. They all have a bit more of that "earth mother" vibe I think. I think this is a case of 'feel the fear and do it anyway'. It sounds like you haven't bought yourself anything nice or been shopping for so long that you've built it up into a much bigger deal than it really is.

You may even enjoy yourself...

Original poster
MsBagelLady · 20/07/2018 16:26

@Argeles My shape is possibly difficult to describe. I was always a 'straight up and down' put weight on fast and lose it fast but now, after a year's consistent weight gain, I have a belly and 'love handles'. My belly doesn't protrude further than my boobs but my around the middle shape is a bit of a joke. Maybe 'squishy tube' would be the way to describe it to you.

OP posts:
BevBrook · 20/07/2018 16:26

Do you think the fact you have changed shape is part of your anxiety (please don't think I am saying you are overweight, just that you have gone up a size as you say)? I have put on weight and last year my lovely DH just would not stop going on about me getting a new swimming costume (not related to my weight gain, he just knew I needed one as my last one was falling apart). Honestly, every time I went into town he would say "ooh, are you going to get a new swimming costume?" and this just filled me with anxiety because I just couldn't bear the thought of trying on costumes - in the end I burst into tears.

What helped for me (not with the costume, I ended up just buying that in a panic) was having a "personal shopper" in John Lewis. You get to stay in the changing room, tell them what you like and are looking for, and they bring you loads of clothes. Some of them were awful but loads were great, and I ended up trying things on I wouldn't have considered before and they looked brilliant.

ShakingInTheHighCourt · 20/07/2018 16:28

Most people shopping are incredibly casual. If you are trying things on wear flattering underwear and do your hair a bit so you look your best.

Toast sounds up your street for the natural fabric thing. Zara have some great dresses though somewhat thrown together. WhiteStuff, M&S and Uniqlo are all good for staples.

Your DF sounds a nice chap. Don’t panic or rush and don’t just buy the first thing that fits you, you do deserve to look nice and enjoy your clothes. I also love charity shop shopping. I’m also in my early 50s.

Lastly, I often buy stuff and just return it once I’ve tried it on in the comfort of my own room. Sometimes I keep things, too!

diddl · 20/07/2018 16:29

" Crying, overwhelmed and stressed is not a normal reaction to talking about clothes shopping."

I agree that it isn't.

That said, I get a lot of stuff from Ebay & charity shops & tbh the thought of clothes shopping-meh!

It's not something that interests me at all.

Etymology23 · 20/07/2018 16:29

You sound a similar size and shape to me: I get clothes from fat face, white stuff, m and s mainly, with work stuff from phase 8 and rocha John rocha. Almost all of it is bought second hand!

MortyVicar · 20/07/2018 16:31

One day, DP/DF and I shall be self sufficient, [I grow food] and I think that maybe making [some of] my own clothes would be absolutely ideal.

I think you've just answered the questions - to us and the ones you've been asking yourself. That sentence suggests that you're not at all materialistic, and maybe that you actually feel it's wrong to buy new clothes, or food you could grow yourselves.

If that's the case, you're not going to feel comfortable whichever shops/personal shoppers/online shopping people suggest because it's an issue of principle not of practicality.

Have you talked to your DP about it, and explored with him why you're so reluctant and feeling panicky?

Original poster
MsBagelLady · 20/07/2018 16:31

@PolkaHots Thanks for your concern but no, my DF/DP is not trying to change me, he is a really good person, that's why he's my fiance :)
He genuinely just wants me to be happy and that is why he's been suggesting the shopping trip. It's not his thing but he's trying to improve my situation.

OP posts:
Mishappening · 20/07/2018 16:35

This sounds really kind of him - I am sure he will be understanding about the fact that you find clothes shopping makes you anxious. Hod his hand and get out there - you may find this is your chance to break through this anxiety accompanied by someone who loves you. Go for it!

PS I wish someone would offer to take me clothes shopping! - fat chance there!

colditz · 20/07/2018 16:37

Maybe suggest he takes you shopping for fabric!

FreshsatsumaforDd · 20/07/2018 16:41

BagelLady have a look at the Maine clothing range in Debenhams....they had quite a few khaki/olive green patterned skirts and trousers, many reduced in the sale. I was very tempted by some viscose trousers in there yesterday. Soft and comfortable, yet a lovely pattern and as a bonus, reduced as well.

NellMangel · 20/07/2018 16:41

I hate clothes shopping, especially with a partner.

I love charity shopping. I like getting a bargain and get brands I couldn't usually afford.

If you do decide to go, maybe decide what to look for e.g. a day dress, then you'll not be aimlessly walking round hating it all and getting stressed. Pyjamas are my fall back thing to buy if I can't find anything I like.

Its a nice gesture by your DP but don't feel like you have to go if it's creating so much anxiety.

gonnabreakmyrustycage · 20/07/2018 16:42

He wants you to have nice clothes that you feel comfortable and happy in. He seems great. The fact that you feel overwhelmed and anxious is because you will feel outdated and inadequate in a shopping centre (think those were your words) - this shows that you hate your clothes and the way you look in them. He’s trying to change that because he loves you and wants you to feel good about yourself. Let him help you and treat you to some nice stuff for the summer!

Arum51 · 20/07/2018 16:42

@MsBagelLady honestly, Bath is your jam. There are, as other posters have mentioned, loads of upmarket charity shops. There are also loads of little 'head' shops, as we call them in our house. Independent shops? Hippie shops? Whatever. Then there are the good quality chains for people in our age group - Mistral, Seasalt, White Stuff, FatFace. Sleeves to cover the bingo wings, dresses/tunics which hide the mum tum, and nice accessories.

And you totally have to do this. It is absolutely obligatory for those of us in the South West.
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adviceonthepox · 20/07/2018 16:43

Order stuff online and try at home. You can return anything you don't like and without pressure if going into the stores

Kingkiller · 20/07/2018 16:45

Is it the idea of going in the actual shops that is making you anxious, OP? Or is it the idea of choosing and having the new clothes when you haven't done so for a long time?

Looking online first sounds like a really good idea. Also, when you actually go in person, why not just do a recce the first time. Plan not to actually buy anything. That might take the pressure off and let you just casually browse for what looks nice.

angelichosts · 20/07/2018 16:45

A day out in Bath sounds lovely, I'd second the suggestion of Seasalt, also Joules is nice. The people in the shop won't expect you to be dressed up in a particular way, it should be nothing like shopping in New Look with your daughters.

If it all gets too much, go for a nice cream tea / gin / whatever your treat of choice is!

Lovemusic33 · 20/07/2018 16:48

You sound a similar shape to me, I have a range of size 10 and 12 clothes as I tend to gain and lose weight regularly.

Start with looking at fat face, Debenhams (mantaray), Next, seasalt and others that have been mentioned, you could look online but then go to the shop to try on? At least you have some idea what you like before going into a shop?

highlandcoo · 20/07/2018 16:50

Hi OP - you sound an interesting and non-materialistic person as a PP said. And your fiancé sounds like a nice man who's trying to do a kind and supportive thing.

I would say baby steps is the way. Try on a few things in a couple of shops without the pressure to make a decision, go and have a coffee, do a little bit more and stop for lunch. If you've had enough then go home. If you feel like a bit more shopping that would be fine.

I think it's important that your fiancé doesn't feel disappointed if you don't find much - or anything - on this shopping trip. This is a start. It's not a one-and-only opportunity for some new clothes.

I've been out in town with my husband when he's wanted to buy me a present and as a man who hates shopping I can feel the desperate vibes from him of "buy something .. anything at all and we can get out of here" and it's not fun or relaxing! So speak to your fiancé in advance and explain how you feel and approach your day out gently.

I hope it goes well. Maybe come back and update us if you feel like it?

Arborea · 20/07/2018 16:50

What about trying TK Maxx? Not an intimidating atmosphere, and similar to charity shops in that you have to have a good browse. The stock is pretty eclectic, prices are reasonable, and buying end of line clothes avoids them going to landfill? (That last point is a bit of a stretch, but it's a favourite shop of mine, and I am in my 40s)