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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dd to drive dd2

100 replies

Jorah · 19/07/2018 19:02

To gymnastics 45 mins away.

She passed her test a few weeks ago, has only been driving alone for a few days.

OP posts:
Semster · 19/07/2018 22:38

Thank God UK boarding schools have the sense to say no to boys (in our case, but could just as well be girls) driving one another round. It makes it much easier than it would be if the DC were at home and nagging (which the others will be, when it comes to it. FML).

Her US boarding school does say no to driving each other around when students are there - just like your UK boarding school. She is at home right now. She's been driving for a year - they start learning here at 15, pass their test at 16, and she is now 17. She wasn't allowed to drive any friends around (by law or by me) until she had 9 months of driving experience after she'd taken her test.

Etymology23 · 19/07/2018 22:39

I would have been very tired by 45mins each way driving on unfamiliar roads soon after my test.

My mum refused to get in the car with me for 5 years after I passed! I can definitely see why you’re worried; teenagers are hard to negotiate at best, and driving is a high stakes negotiation for both parties, so it’s easy to struggle with the tone.

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 19/07/2018 22:42

Stirner but you were only driving yourself presumably. OP isn't trying to disempower her kids. There are huge number of fatalities with newly qualified drivers - especially teenagers.

I passed my test at 30 and one of my DS's friend's mum said she was uncomfortable with me driving her DS until I'd had more experience (we live in a rural area and it would have been about a 30 minute drive through country lanes). I wasn't disempowered and I totally understood.

Etymology23 · 19/07/2018 22:42
  • I should clarify that I wasn’t a terrible driver but I was inexperienced and everyone improved with practice. Mainly though, my mother is a terrible passenger! She can’t not do air braking and she grips the handle and twitches and comments - even if the driver is perfectly good. It was better for both our sanities that I didn’t drive her.
PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 19/07/2018 22:46

I also wouldn't drive with certain passengers recently after passing my test. MiL is a terrible backseat driver and would have driven me mad (she insists on always driving 10 miles over the speed limit and overtaking in dangerous situations).

Ssssurvey · 19/07/2018 22:57

I think a 45 minute unfamiliar journey as you describe it is a bit much for an inexperienced driver tbh. I don't know what your drive is like but I honestly believe that reversing in and driving out is far safer and just makes more sense. On reversing in you can see everything on the road, when reversing out your view is limited.

BoardingSchoolMater · 19/07/2018 23:20

@Semster, thank for the clarification. If children were allowed to drive at 15 in the UK, there's nothing on Earth that would have persuaded me that my DS was sensible/competent enough to drive himself, never mind friends or siblings. Fortunately UK law would seem to agree with me.

BoardingSchoolMater · 19/07/2018 23:20

^Thanks, not thank!

Stillme1 · 20/07/2018 01:33

Stirner - Now you think I am trying to disempower my kids. Actually it is only 1 DC who drives like a maniac. I paid for the driving lessons and bought the car so how is that disempowering anyone, It was her choice of car.

You are correct in assuming that I don't want DC to drive the way she does. Some of us have seen the results of boy/girl racers and it is not pretty. What is worse is that she is doing this with children in the car and other parents and children.
Other DC drive in a decent manner whether or not they have children in the car.
I don't want to have any of my DC cut out of wrecked cars. With young children I would really expect/hope that there would be a bit of responsible behaviour.
I wish you could try a journey with said DC and then give an opinion.

Zommum · 20/07/2018 01:37

My kids are not allowed to go in cars with inexperienced drivers, this includes kids that can drive not going in cars with friends. Not unreasonable.

TheDishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 20/07/2018 01:56

Tbh you doubting her so much I doubt wont help her in the long run. You sound like you were very very nervous when with her and that will put her off.

I honestly cannot drive with my dad in the car, he's like this tense ball of nervous energy and suddenly everything goes to pot. I've been driving for 5 years, can normally park really well but the other day I took him shopping and j just couldn't park at all, I went in and out about 20 times but was so nervous I just couldn't get straight.

When I first learnt he was so jumpy that it really dented my confidence for ages and it's taken me years to realise I can actually drive! He as constantly "disapproving" of me doing journeys longer than 5 minutes, and still discourages me from long drives now and I am definitely a much better driver than him now!

I think your outcome was fair, as in you do it with her first and then she can do it but I think you probably put her off.

MsFrizzle · 20/07/2018 02:15

Can't you support her instead of cutting her down when she's just passed her test? She's able to drive. Offer to buy her motorway lessons first - they're offered a lot now. Defensive driver lessons, etc and go with her on the journey a few times.

Original poster
Jorah · 20/07/2018 12:41

@Stillme1 - and you sound like you want to disempower your kids

Grin some people love to make a huge drama out of perfectly normal parent teen relationships.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jorah · 20/07/2018 12:44

Not sure where you are from @stirner but I don't think there's a reputable company in the UK who would employ someone who'd been driving for a month in a job where they'd have to be driving 500 miles a week. The only person I know who does something similar is a jockey and his insurance is around 4k a year.

OP posts:
Stillme1 · 20/07/2018 12:54

Jorah - Unfortunately my DC who is driving badly is in the age range 25 to 30 with children and often has other peoples' children in the car. Not living in my house so I have no control what so ever other than to refuse to get in the car.
I have noticed that Stirner seems out to pick a fight in an empty house. Then I noticed STIR ner. She really is living up to her name.

Original poster
Jorah · 20/07/2018 12:56

i have taken on board comments about not wanting to squash her confidence and she drove to school and then to the supermarket quite happily by herself. She even admitted she's crap at parking!

OP posts:
WaxOnFeckOff · 20/07/2018 13:00

Tough one really. My DS has been taking his brother to and from school a fair bit, however it's only 15-20 minutes away and it's a route he's driven a lot as a learner and taken himself to and from school as well as few times on his own. I'm more concerned with his ability to cope with someone else poor driving rather than concerned about his own abilities.

I'd say no to the 45 min journey but allow some smaller ones first or get DD to drive you both there a few times?

sacredgeometry · 20/07/2018 13:02

New drivers can be a menace ! Nerves are often eclipsed by overconfidence and thats when accidents happen.

I had terrible rows with my wife after she passed her test (after 3 attempts) she wouldnt take any advice, even when clearly was out of her depth. She totalled 2 of my cars and caused the insurance to become very expensive not to mentioning hitting other peoples bloody cars ! I very nearly took her off the insurance. She now only drives the same 15 mile route and never on motorways. She has been driving 10 years now and has been accident free for 8.

Lethaldrizzle · 20/07/2018 13:03

I was driving me and my mates everywhere as soon as I passed my test.

WaxOnFeckOff · 20/07/2018 13:05

Mine are only a year apart so DS1 passed a few months ago and DS2 starts lessons next month.

Original poster
Jorah · 20/07/2018 13:06

I'd say no to the 45 min journey but allow some smaller ones first or get DD to drive you both there a few times?

this is exactly what I have been doing

OP posts:
BusterTheBulldog · 20/07/2018 13:09

Is this a new thing? Not letting new drivers drive other people and clock up driving hours? I passed my test in 99 and first thing we all did was pick up friends and drive around the city for hours!

WaxOnFeckOff · 20/07/2018 13:09

Sorry , I read further after I posted. Could you get her to drive the 45 minute trip with both you and DD2 so you could see how well she does?

DS is competent and not over confident. He has his own car with black box but isn't really bothered too much about driving. he drives when he needs to and is happy to do so but doesn't randomly just go for a drive or volunteer.

Original poster
Jorah · 20/07/2018 13:10

Is this a new thing? Not letting new drivers drive other people and clock up driving hours?

Who's said that? Confused

It isnt a thing at all, its a bunch of parents saying what they do or don't do.

OP posts:
Semster · 20/07/2018 13:44

Is this a new thing? Not letting new drivers drive other people and clock up driving hours?

It's the law in a lot of countries - unfortunately not the UK yet although I think it might be coming soon.

You can still clock up driving hours. You just don't drive other people around for the first few weeks/months. It's proven to reduce accidents.