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AIBU?

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Original poster

‘Best friend’ telling lies. WWYD

76 replies

QuinoaPhoenix · 19/07/2018 00:51

Quick NC in case she’s on here. It’s long and I really hope it makes sense - I’m feeling very Randy!

My ‘best friend’ (let’s call her Sally) has form for being a drama queen and master manipulator, I’ve known and suffered it for years but loved her anyway. Sally has never liked to see other people happy and always seems to find fault in even the most perfect DP. Her own marriage is an utter farce but the less said about that, the better.

My DM told me this weekend that she’s been keeping a secret from me for the past year and a half; DP and I went through a rough patch last year (nobody did anything wrong, I just got cold feet about moving in together), much to Sally’s glee.

This weekend, my DM told me that Sally had called her last year to say that I had checked my DP’s phone and seen that he had been sending photos of my friends to his friends and saying that he wanted to have sex with them. This is an outright lie as I’ve never seen anything of the sort on DP’s phone, much less said anything like that to Sally. Sally was clearly counting on my DM being so angry that she would give my poor DP a piece of her mind and make him not want to try again. As it happens, my DM kept it to herself because she didn’t want me falling out with Sally, but has resented my DP ever since. I’ve since set her straight but I’m absolutely seething.

So WWYD? I haven’t told DP because he dislikes Sally as it is (he thinks she’s lazy, manipulative and a shit friend - guess he’s right!) and I haven’t confronted Sally. I’ve asked DM not to say anything to either of them.

I’m just so angry and upset that my DM has hated my DP off the back of Sally’s lie.

OP posts:
Original poster
QuinoaPhoenix · 19/07/2018 00:51

Ranty*!

I promise I am not Randy Blush

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 19/07/2018 00:54

Strange thing for 'Sally' to make up out of nowhere.

What does Sally have to say about her accusations?

Cariadxx · 19/07/2018 00:55

The way I see ut you can either confront her or just cut her out of your life. She sounds toxic.

Original poster
QuinoaPhoenix · 19/07/2018 00:57

@Martha

I haven’t confronted Sally yet. This is incredibly tame compared to some things she’s lied about in the past!

OP posts:
Original poster
QuinoaPhoenix · 19/07/2018 01:00

I’d cut her out in a heartbeat but I’m hesitant for two reasons:

  1. What would she do next?!
  2. I love the bones of her DC and it’d break my heart to cut them out of my life.

So as not to dripfeed, she is bipolar (diagnosed) and incredibly volatile.

OP posts:
OhMyLordyLordy · 19/07/2018 01:00

What a horrid thing to have done. No wonder you are angry.

stormymcstormface · 19/07/2018 01:01

I think you know what to do here .. no friend is a real friend who you think is going to lie about things in a way that causes your hurt

Sammyham88 · 19/07/2018 01:07

As much as you probably want to tell her to go F herself I'd calmly message her and tell her about what you've found out, let her squirm and then cut all ties with her when she realises she's been caught out.

People like this need to know when they've been caught BSing, you already know she's full of shit, don't trust her and has a negative impact on your life with her out look so are you even really friends? Get rid of "mate"

PurpleArmy · 19/07/2018 01:25

She's shit stirrer, not to be trusted.

callywags · 19/07/2018 01:30

This is definitely something that cross the line with me.

Very tricky situation with her DC, is she likely to cause trouble for you and your family, and not let you see the children if you do cut her out?

Justblockthebitch · 19/07/2018 01:35

That's not a friend.
Does she cause trouble between you and others as well? Or is it that she wanted your DP out of the picture so she could have more of your time?
I'd start cutting back on time and effort with her. Then consider going NC with her. Good luck OP

sobeyondthehills · 19/07/2018 01:38

Being bipolar is not an excuse,

The incredibly volatile might be a reason not to say anything and cut her out

thebewilderness · 19/07/2018 01:54

Friends do not try to destroy their friends relationships.
This person is not your friend.

Italiangreyhound · 19/07/2018 01:57

Basically I think you have a choice, cut all ties with her which means not seeing her kids; or keep on with the friendship. Your choice.

If you do cut her out of your life, do it gradually and gently, to avoid nasty comeback, I think a big show down will not help you.

If you choose to keep her in your life, as far as whether or not you let her know you know her nasty secret, I think again it's another basic choice.

Tell her and made her feel bad about how bad she has been (maybe running the risk she will be a shitty person about something else to stir) or allow her to think she has got away with a nasty lie and hope that's the end of it.

I'd make sure my mum and my partner and best friends all knew what a liar she is.

If you decide to keep up the friendship just make very good friends with her kids and don't tell her anything of any significance.

I must be a cold bitch but no one else's kids mean more to me than my mum or my husband so I'd not want to risk keeping such a woman in my life.

MissConductUS · 19/07/2018 01:57

Bipolar makes it very hard to have normal, healthy relationships. I'd go absolutely minimal contact with her.

Original poster
QuinoaPhoenix · 19/07/2018 01:58

She’s never been happy about my having other friendships, no. I’ve wanted to check out of my friendship with her for a long time but I adore her little boy (my godson) and she’d never let me see him if I cut her out. Sad

OP posts:
Popc0rn · 19/07/2018 01:59

Symptoms can include..."being delusional, having hallucinations and disturbed or illogical thinking"

www.nhs.uk/conditions/bipolar-disorder/symptoms/

Having bipolar could MAYBE be an excuse? I'm definitely not an mental health expert, but when my friend who has bipolar is really unwell she can say stuff that doesn't make sense, and tends not to remember things too.

Just seems such an odd thing to make up.

Original poster
QuinoaPhoenix · 19/07/2018 02:06

I know, it’s the most convoluted lie!

Why say that I’d told her I’d seen these texts when I’d seen nothing of the sort?! Although I think that was all part of the master plan; she knew my DM wouldn’t tell me what Sally had told her in fear of upsetting our friendship but what she had likely banked on is my DM making sure my DP never came back and never telling either of us why.

OP posts:
Original poster
QuinoaPhoenix · 19/07/2018 02:07

I think I’m slightly pissed off with my DM for taking what Sally says at face value considering she knows perfectly well what Sally is like!

OP posts:
IAmNotAWitch · 19/07/2018 02:09

Well there you go, Sally has now not only caused tension in your relationship with your DP she has you pissed off with your mother as well.

You are going to have to choose.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/07/2018 02:14

You haven't given a single reason as to why on earth you would be friends with this woman. She's a cancerous, vile cunt. You have wasted years of your life being "friends" with her. Drop her like a bad habit, never contact her again, and move on with your life.

whatwouldyoubelikeat28 · 19/07/2018 02:32

I have a number of friends with bipolar, and I have to say, being an asshole is not one of the symptoms.
Whilst it can allow a person to blow things out of proportion and they feel things very deeply, and indeed sometimes make things up, it is usually grounded in some event. For example, one friend accused another friend of assaulting her, after they had had an uncomfortable conversation. It was an escalation, iykwim.
Cold-faced lying in order to seed conflict sounds much more calculated, and I'd hesitate to attribute that to the disorder. Same as the attempt to isolate you from other friends, and emotionally tie you to her with godparent responsibilities.
Someone who uses their disorder as an excuse for these behaviours is not a nice person. I would definitely distance my self emotionally, even if you continue to have a relationship for the sake of her kid.
And yes, tell mutual friends and your DM to be wary of her, and ask them to forward on any strange tales she tells.

Italiangreyhound · 19/07/2018 02:37

@Aquamarine1029 because this woman's son is the OP's Godson and the OP wants to continue seeing him.

melonscoffer · 19/07/2018 02:59

As it happens, my DM kept it to herself because she didn’t want me falling out with Sally, but has resented my DP ever since. I’ve since set her straight but I’m absolutely seething

Pardon?
Your DM kept it to herself that your DP was in the frame for this.
Wow.

melonscoffer · 19/07/2018 03:00

Again, just wow.
How could your DM keep this from you while she privately seethed?