Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘Best friend’ telling lies. WWYD

76 replies

QuinoaPhoenix · 19/07/2018 00:51

Quick NC in case she’s on here. It’s long and I really hope it makes sense - I’m feeling very Randy!

My ‘best friend’ (let’s call her Sally) has form for being a drama queen and master manipulator, I’ve known and suffered it for years but loved her anyway. Sally has never liked to see other people happy and always seems to find fault in even the most perfect DP. Her own marriage is an utter farce but the less said about that, the better.

My DM told me this weekend that she’s been keeping a secret from me for the past year and a half; DP and I went through a rough patch last year (nobody did anything wrong, I just got cold feet about moving in together), much to Sally’s glee.

This weekend, my DM told me that Sally had called her last year to say that I had checked my DP’s phone and seen that he had been sending photos of my friends to his friends and saying that he wanted to have sex with them. This is an outright lie as I’ve never seen anything of the sort on DP’s phone, much less said anything like that to Sally. Sally was clearly counting on my DM being so angry that she would give my poor DP a piece of her mind and make him not want to try again. As it happens, my DM kept it to herself because she didn’t want me falling out with Sally, but has resented my DP ever since. I’ve since set her straight but I’m absolutely seething.

So WWYD? I haven’t told DP because he dislikes Sally as it is (he thinks she’s lazy, manipulative and a shit friend - guess he’s right!) and I haven’t confronted Sally. I’ve asked DM not to say anything to either of them.

I’m just so angry and upset that my DM has hated my DP off the back of Sally’s lie.

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 19/07/2018 03:14

The thing is what kind of role are you going to have to play in your "friendship" with Sally, because it sounds like you have reached the end of the line in any friendly feelings towards her, so are you going to have to fake the friendship from now on?

dailygrowl · 19/07/2018 03:49

Sally is toxic. My advice is to drop her before you have no DH left and your DM becomes estranged from you.

Bobbiepin · 19/07/2018 04:32

So your DM thought that your dp was texting other women for sex and didn't raise it with you? Really? Ditch the friend and hace serious words with your DM.

Chesntoots · 19/07/2018 05:46

An ex friend once told my then boyfriend that I had slept with someone else. I hadn't. He didn't say anything for months and it came out in an argument.

I have no idea why someone would do this, especially a 'friend'. Luckily for me we had already drifted and so cutting her off completely was no great hardship.

strawberrisc · 19/07/2018 06:01

Again, just wow.
How could your DM keep this from you while she privately seethed?

To be fair, Sally told her that the OP knew about it. Mum was aware they were going through a bad patch. Good on her for not sticking her nose in.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 19/07/2018 06:05

Your DM kept it to herself that your DP was in the frame for this.

So your DM thought that your dp was texting other women for sex and didn't raise it with you? Really? Ditch the friend and hace serious words with your DM.

It sounds as though the DM was under the impression the OP knew about the (non-existent) texts:
Sally had called her last year to say that I had checked my DP’s phone and seen that he had been sending photos of my friends to his friends and saying that he wanted to have sex with them. This is an outright lie as I’ve never seen anything of the sort on DP’s phone, much less said anything like that to Sally.

Shortstuff08 · 19/07/2018 06:07

The mum hasn't done anything. The thought the OP was the one who told Sally.

PurpleFlower1983 · 19/07/2018 06:10

I think you have to cut her out, regardless of her DC. She could do serious damage to you.

FatBarry · 19/07/2018 06:15

She absolutely needs confronting, but do you honestly believe Sally will admit to it? She will likely say your mother is lying.

You can't keep friends with someone like this though.

RuggerHug · 19/07/2018 06:22

She sounds like someone I was mates with and put up with for years. Outright lies about horrible stuff like this. You need to drop her, as awful as it is. Even if it is just not sharing anything with her, not listening to her bollocks and being polite for the sake of her DS. Is he old enough that he would be able to have an independent relationship with you or is he too young? Please mentally check out of this friendship, she won't admit this and will more than likely turn this into your DM being delusional.

clairedelalune · 19/07/2018 06:22

I had a friend and colleague who did this type of thing. Note the tense of 'had'

LaPufalina · 19/07/2018 06:42

I had a friend who did similar to this but spreading lies about my younger sister. I still haven't worked out a proper motivation 15 years on, but she made a move on my ex-fiancé once we'd fallen out, so I never spoke to her again after a blazing argument.
Tricky situation OP. I messed mine up with a row and NC and I understand the rumours were still going so it didn't prevent those Sad

WilburIsSomePig · 19/07/2018 06:58

Oh come on OP, if this is just the tip of the iceberg this woman is going to cause you the most awful problems. You need.to tell her what you know and move on.

Bibesia · 19/07/2018 07:22

How could your DM keep this from you while she privately seethed?

She presumably thought OP knew already.

Original poster
QuinoaPhoenix · 19/07/2018 07:34

My DM hasn’t kept anything from me per se, as she thought I was the one who gave Sally this information in the first place!

My godson is a toddler so my seeing him is entirely controlled by his parents.

OP posts:
auntyflonono · 19/07/2018 07:38

Least dramatic way is to gradually phase her out.

Original poster
QuinoaPhoenix · 19/07/2018 07:39

I’ve mentally checked out of my relationship with Sally already, even before this all came to light because I’d already realised what a toxic presence she is. She feeds on drama and misery and strives to create it wherever possible.

However, I’m going to keep a very limited connection to her for the sake of my godson.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 19/07/2018 07:39

I don’t think your mum has done anything wrong. She decided not to talk to her dd about the accusation under the assumption that you already knew. ie She decided that if her dd wanted her to know she’d come to her mother, not the other way round. That’s keeping good boundaries and it must have been incredibly difficult as a mother to keep her mouth shut.

As for your frenemy. Personally I wouldn’t want someone like this in my life. I wouldn’t be able to put up with it from a mental health POV. But I’m not you and it sounds as if you are torn. You love her child(ren).

Apart from her being off the wall weird if that’s what we could call this situation, is there anything you like about her?

How important is the relationship to your godson to him? How important is it to you?

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/07/2018 07:39

Cross posf

Original poster
QuinoaPhoenix · 19/07/2018 07:47

LittleDragon are you my Mum?! That’s exactly what she said. I have such a close relationship with my DM and she didn’t want to make waves between me and Sally (who had begged her not to say anything to me - wonder why?!) because there was a time that Sally was one of my only ‘friends’ and she didn’t want me to lose that at that time. I’m in a much better place now with wonderful friends and a wonderful relationship with my lovely DP so she felt it was the right time to tell me, and for that I cannot be angry with her.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 19/07/2018 08:01

No I’m not your mother Grin. I’m trying to gauge what will make you most happy and ease your conscience the most as you’re torn. If you need to make waves, you make waves but it sounds as if you want low contact for the sake of her ds and that’s fine if it makes you the happiest.

The thing is you know is that Sally is likely to continue with these type of batshit and you have to be ready to deal with the fallout. However, whether you remain ‘friends’ or cut her off, I suspect her behaviour will be the same.

longwayoff · 19/07/2018 08:07

O stop it. Get better friends.

MarthasGinYard · 19/07/2018 08:20

Just go Low contact if you still want to see your Godson.

Don't waste any more head space on it.

Sounds like you weren't that keen anyway.

Shednik · 19/07/2018 08:26

Your DM has kept something from you. She kept the fact that Sally had been in touch from you.

Even if it had been true, you'don't have told your DM if you wanted her to know.

I'd ditch Sally AND your DM for having that conversation behind your back and keeping it from you. There can never be any trust.

MarthasGinYard · 19/07/2018 08:32

I thought your mum said she's been keeping 'a secret'

Swipe left for the next trending thread