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Original poster

‘Best friend’ telling lies. WWYD

76 replies

QuinoaPhoenix · 19/07/2018 00:51

Quick NC in case she’s on here. It’s long and I really hope it makes sense - I’m feeling very Randy!

My ‘best friend’ (let’s call her Sally) has form for being a drama queen and master manipulator, I’ve known and suffered it for years but loved her anyway. Sally has never liked to see other people happy and always seems to find fault in even the most perfect DP. Her own marriage is an utter farce but the less said about that, the better.

My DM told me this weekend that she’s been keeping a secret from me for the past year and a half; DP and I went through a rough patch last year (nobody did anything wrong, I just got cold feet about moving in together), much to Sally’s glee.

This weekend, my DM told me that Sally had called her last year to say that I had checked my DP’s phone and seen that he had been sending photos of my friends to his friends and saying that he wanted to have sex with them. This is an outright lie as I’ve never seen anything of the sort on DP’s phone, much less said anything like that to Sally. Sally was clearly counting on my DM being so angry that she would give my poor DP a piece of her mind and make him not want to try again. As it happens, my DM kept it to herself because she didn’t want me falling out with Sally, but has resented my DP ever since. I’ve since set her straight but I’m absolutely seething.

So WWYD? I haven’t told DP because he dislikes Sally as it is (he thinks she’s lazy, manipulative and a shit friend - guess he’s right!) and I haven’t confronted Sally. I’ve asked DM not to say anything to either of them.

I’m just so angry and upset that my DM has hated my DP off the back of Sally’s lie.

OP posts:
Wonkypalmtree · 19/07/2018 08:33

I would just pretend you don’t know but cool friendship, don’t share details of your life and be busy more often, then you can stay friendly with her kids and will likely transfer her drama elsewhere

LemonBreeland · 19/07/2018 08:46

I know you love your godson and want to keep a relationship with him, but I feel that it would be much better for you if you completely cut Sally out of your life, and walk away.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 19/07/2018 08:46

If Sally has a toddler, she's likely to have not-too-much spare time, so going lower contact will be easier. Just an occasional text and meeting up at times when you can focus on your godson.

But I'd make very sure your new friends know what she's like, just as a means to protect yourself for the future.

ExileInArseville · 19/07/2018 08:49

Get away from her.

Be warned, she will retaliate by trying to damage your reputation to undermine your credibility in case you tell the truth about her.

She has likely already begun laying the groundwork.

Her behaviour is too targeted to be the result of bipolar.

Get out. She is dangerous.

Elephantleavestheroom · 19/07/2018 08:52

Please don’t blame your mum. She obviously thought she was doing to right thing, not meddling.
Can’t go into the details because it would be beyond outing, but a good friend of mine and I went through something very similar a little while ago. Lies were told, blatantly untrue and bizarre, to the other about the other, by a mutual friend. Mutual friend was controlling and manipulative. It took about 6 months for us to have courage to talk to each other about these lies. The whole thing unravelled and we are now nc with lying friend. Lying friend was plausible, even though her stabdalone lies were crazy, and she was very controlling. It’s very hard to see this behaviour when someone is being charming and manipulative. Your mum probably thought ‘why would Sally lie’?
Sally is toxic. Cut ties with Sally and try to rebuild things with your mum. She’s probably mortified she so readily believed Sally, but it sounds as though she may have been trying to protect you.

Monday55 · 19/07/2018 09:00

What exactly makes her a best friend? She doesn't sound like a best friend at all.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 19/07/2018 09:17

@Aquamarine1029, I'm with you, this woman is poisonous.
OP, I understand you want to see your little Godson, but get out now, whilst he's tiny, goodness knows what she will fill his little mind with, as he grows.
Personally, I wouldn't say anything to her, unless it's unavoidable, but I would distance myself, not take her calls, or keep them very short, don't meet up, just move on.

Ellie56 · 19/07/2018 09:19

Yes probably wise not to risk a huge fallout with God knows what repercussions.

Keep very low contact with Toxic Friend for the sake of the child, and tell DM, DP and all your other friends/relatives that she is completely batshit and not to believe a word she says, but to tell you straight away, then there are no "secrets", and no harm done.

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 19/07/2018 11:53

Obviously I don't know the whole situation, but I think you should mentally prep yourself for losing contact with your godchild.

Sally will see your changed behaviour and is likely to retaliate. At some point, she may feel that her kid is the best way to get at you. I hope I'm wrong.

Lizzie48 · 19/07/2018 12:09

I had a friend very much like this. She also was bipolar, which was what made me stay friends with her for so long; I worried about her. She was often not very nice, she was arrogant, self-centred and didn't treat me well at all. The last straw was when she asked me to lend her money to pay off her mortgage arrears, telling me that she was about to sell her flat so would be able to pay me back. It turned out that her debts exceeded the value of her property so I never saw that money again.

I realise now that she was a toxic person who happened to be bipolar. The two are not mutually exclusive.

I think you need to go very low contact with her, as clearly you really do love her children, so going NC would really hurt you. I wouldn't blame your DM at all, though. She was put in a very awkward position.

Original poster
QuinoaPhoenix · 19/07/2018 14:15

Just to be clear to some PPs, I don’t blame my lovely Mum at all, nor do I want to go NC with her as someone suggested Confused

She was very hurt because she thought I had confided in Sally and not her, so she kept it to herself in case I wanted to approach her about it, but obviously there was nothing to tell so I didn’t. Sally knows that this is my Mum’s nature which is likely why she did it. I’m just surprised she took it as gospel because I tell my Mum everything!

OP posts:
Original poster
QuinoaPhoenix · 19/07/2018 14:19

As for what makes her a best friend, I guess she’s just a habit now. We were very close for a while but she’s a very intense person to be around, always some drama going on and she’s emotionally exhausting.

Thanks for listening to me rant! This is very cathartic as I’ve never actually put my feelings about my friendship with this woman into words before.

OP posts:
Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 19/07/2018 14:26

I would also be cross with DM, for believing such a story from someone she must know to be unreliable and for failing to fact check with me.

Hissy · 19/07/2018 14:30

This 'friend' is the biggest risk to your family there could possibly be.

She wants to destroy your relationship with DP, AND with your mother. she has lied to your DM to make your mum feel like she doesn't matter to you as much as this vile woman does.

She is no friend to you, to your relationship, your family or anyone.

Her son is her son, the 'price' of your 'being there for him' is that you may lose your family/relationship.

Put your family and relationship first. You have to be this firm with people like her, she is a threat to everything you hold dear.

RuggerHug · 19/07/2018 15:50

OP it does help to write it out sometimes. Like I said upthread I had a mate like this and it was only when I wrote out the horrible stuff like this that my brain kicked in properly. I could write a book on it, but I won't bore you with details. She sounds the same though,always a drama etc.

Trinity66 · 19/07/2018 15:53

I can't stand liars and she sounds like a dick. cut her out of your life

Loopytiles · 19/07/2018 16:12

This isn’t even the worst thing she’s done or lies she’s told?!

Sounds like you should have ended the friendship a long time before now.

End the friendship in whatever way that is safest for you.

I’d be concerned about her parenting ability, but not much you can do about that, sadly.

Original poster
QuinoaPhoenix · 20/07/2018 18:09

Heart in mouth moment today! Sally texted me saying ‘need to speak to you’ so naturally I thought she must’ve seen this!

Nope, she just wanted some attention so she made up some fake life drama which I knew couldn’t possibly be true. For the first time ever, I told her I knew she was bullshitting and it felt awesome. I screenshotted all of today’s bullshit drama and forwarded it to my DM so she could see for herself how Sally thrives on drama.

Looking forward to a low contact, low drama life. Thanks again MN Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
QuinoaPhoenix · 20/07/2018 18:10

Not sure I’ve ever used the word ‘drama’ so many times in one post! Blush

OP posts:
LaPufalina · 20/07/2018 19:05

Did she reply when you called her out on it OP?

ladycarlotta · 20/07/2018 19:42

I had a Sally. She told a horrible lie of this sort to a mutual friend, who came back to me with it; I absolutely could not conceive of my Sally making up a lie about me - like it genuinely didn't compute, I didn't consider it - and I put up barriers against the mutual friend for years, thinking she was the slippery customer.

Years of attention-seeking later, years of me really 'seeing' that my Sally was lying and embellishing, but letting it go because she had a lot of problems, wasn't well-liked, needed kindness, I was the only one who understood her and she'd been a genuinely good friend... blah blah blah, all that rationalising of her bad behaviour, and somehow one day the scales just fell from my eyes. I could see what she was and what she'd done. I couldn't go back. I cut her out after that, incrementally.

She figured out what I was doing and went to town on me, sending volleys of horrible text messages, or coming in friendly and then withdrawing the friendship if I didn't respond quickly/as she wanted. I'm sure she told other people how horrible I was, but to be honest I didn't care any more. Cut your Sally loose, OP, this is a dealbreaker, and her behaviour is not something you can fix with kindness or discussion. I still really miss my Sally sometimes - we had a good friendship somehow - but I do not want her back.

Original poster
QuinoaPhoenix · 20/07/2018 20:56

@LaPuf

I called her out on today’s instalment of bullshit, not the big bullshit. She then swiftly changed the subject.

OP posts:
Thebluedog · 20/07/2018 21:01

If you say anything to he and remain friends, chances are she’ll seek revenge from either your dm or your dp in some way shape or form.

If you don’t tell her then what’s to say she won’t do something else equally as horrid

I’d tell you dp and cut ties with her. She’s not a good friend at all

SoShinySoChrome · 20/07/2018 21:23

If you do cut her out of your life, do it gradually and gently, to avoid nasty comeback, I think a big show down will not help you

hiddeneverything · 20/07/2018 21:27

Sally needs kept at arms length.