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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Advise pls

78 replies

pinkelephant59 · 18/07/2018 19:52

my sons children are currently living with the other grandparents (don't ask!) son is getting visits but when he is changing the baby's nappy frequently notices that he has been left with a dirty bottom when granddad is looking after them on his own. also when we collected them today he absolutely reeked of sick, seems had been sick on his clothes and had just been left in them till it dried. son is not on good enough terms to just discuss with them, should we be reporting to social services or anything or is this being petty and unreasonable. Son says no point as no proof.

OP posts:

SparklyMagpie · 19/07/2018 11:35

He should be prioritizing getting a job so he can afford a house for him and the kids, he knows he's not going to get them without that!!

An no, I don't think SS will bother over that

abbsisspartacus · 19/07/2018 12:03

SS might have been interested had there been a viable alternative ie a dad with his shit together

Original poster

pinkelephant59 · 19/07/2018 12:38

@abbsisspartacus you try having your shit together when you've been emotionally abused for 3 years. Been told your wife has died(because he still had feelings even though separated) to all intents and purposes having your children kidnapped.

OP posts:

Wolfpac · 19/07/2018 13:06

Wow so many rude people on here. Pinkelephant59 asked a question and you all want to be nosey and know the whole situation. Even if there was more to the story that's none of anyone's business.

Regarding your question it's worth giving them a call if you are really concerned about their safety. Hope everything works out for you and and your son.

Zaphodsotherhead · 19/07/2018 13:14

I think the problem might be pinkelephant that lots of women on here have been emotionally abused for years, but they left taking the children with them, or stayed and put up with it rather than breaking up the home and leaving the children to the mercy of an EA partner.

Your DS left (finding a new girlfriend very quickly, it would seem). So GPs stepped in on the death of his partner. If he'd been seeing the children that regularly, how come he didn't know she'd died?

Wolfpac · 19/07/2018 13:40

Why is it when a female is being abused by a Male everyone is so supportive and sympathetic. Yet when pinkelephant said her son was being abused by a woman you all are being judgemental and looking for the negatives.
Men can be abused by women also. not all men are abusers and not all women are saints. Double standards.

Original poster

pinkelephant59 · 19/07/2018 15:24

@Wolfpac. Thank you for your support I have only just joined mumsnet and based on the responses I've had to this started regretting it. My son left after his ex had thrown him out and then asked him to come back 5 times in a 3 month period. Leaving his children was incredibly hard for him but there was no way his ex would have let him take them. I agree everyone seems to have decided my son is a crap parent without knowing all the facts and unfortunately this attitude seems to spread into our legal system. My son has done a parenting course and jumped through every hoop the magistrates asked him to and they still gave the children to the grandparents

OP posts:

Storm4star · 19/07/2018 15:33

People are right in what they say. They won't take the children from a settled home when your son has no job and nowhere to live.

I wouldn't say anything to SS because it will just look malicious and cause problems with the GPs.

If your son wants his children with him, it has to be a long term goal. It isn't going to happen overnight. He needs a job and a stable home. I am making no judgement's on your sons parenting skills. But there is no quick and easy solution. He will have put in a lot of work and show he's dedicated to his kids.

Tistheseason17 · 19/07/2018 17:09

@Tessliketrees

I don't rely on Google for as my evidence. What you see in the press is what they are allowed to print which is why the gutter press pick up these stories.

Sensitive safeguarding information about family court is not put on Google....

I work in safeguarding and have CPD logged in this area - not an internet search engine.

I am sure there are cases where mistakes are made, but for children, being over cautious is better...

Tessliketrees · 19/07/2018 17:40

@Tistheseason17

Hahaha, do you know what CPD is? Or Google?

Your tone is hilarious. My "tabloid" sources are published court rulings.

Also maybe bring your philosophy of "being over cautious is better" to your next supervision. Better yet have a look at what judges say about this kind of approach.

Sensitive safeguarding information about family court is not put on Google

Your "CPD" (by which I presume you mean training which is only one type of social work CPD) obviously didn't cover the basics of publishing rulings. You should Google it (Google is a search engine that brings up lots of results, you are then able to filter out poor sources from credible ones), you'll be amazed!

Jesus wept.

Tessliketrees · 19/07/2018 17:49

@Tistheseason17

www.bailii.org/ew/cases/EWFC/HCJ/2018/40.html

Here is a ruling from last month were social services were heavily criticised.

Also have a look into misuse of section 20 which has been covered in reputable sources that will link back to the court rulings.

I found these by Googling. When I read them and learn something new I then log that as CPD because it is.

Tistheseason17 · 19/07/2018 18:00

Yawn to the people who think that a minority of cases makes SS poor. Published failings are opportunities for learning.

Sorry if a decision did not go your way.

Tistheseason17 · 19/07/2018 18:02

Oh, and btw, when I said I don't rely on Google, I meant for the full background of a case the Daily Fail has a headline for.

But, hey, some people just like to jump on things....

Tessliketrees · 19/07/2018 18:05

@Tistheseason17

On the plus side you have now learned that you can access published rulings through the internet. You can log me teaching you this as CPD.

You're welcome.

Tistheseason17 · 19/07/2018 18:07

@Tessliketrees
I've learnt you're a patronising numpty! 🤣🤣🤣

Oh thank you wise one, not...

Tessliketrees · 19/07/2018 18:10

@Tistheseason17

I didn't start the patronising tone did I? You did with your "logged CPD" in your "work in safeguarding".

It's not my fault you didn't have a fucking clue what you were talking about.

Tistheseason17 · 19/07/2018 18:15

@Tessliketrees
The fact that when I talked about myself you took it as patronising to you says more about you than me.

By responding in a nasty way also says more about you than me. I have not been nasty.

I'm out.

I've seen your prev posts and personal attacks is your form.

I can control this by ignoring you and not feeding you.

Stay classy San Diego!

Tessliketrees · 19/07/2018 18:20

@Tistheseason17

I can control this by ignoring you and not feeding you

You get whining "I am having the last word" defeats the object right?

personal attacks is your form

Would be a bit more convincing from somebody who hadn't just implied I had my children removed because I demonstrated they were wrong. And was being judgey and goady with the OP.

abbsisspartacus · 19/07/2018 19:43

Love you have no idea who I am and what I've been through I'm giving you good advice here priorities are job which leads to money which leads to home which hopefully leads to return of the children take it or leave it

NerrSnerr · 19/07/2018 19:54

How to derail a thread eh? I'm sure this squabbling is really helping the OP isn't it?

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 19/07/2018 19:57

I would somewhat agree that his priority has to be his mental health followed by a job followed by custody. It does sound like he's had a terrible time but the children have had a far worse time and they need their dad.

NotBeforeCoffee · 19/07/2018 20:20

Sounds like your son and his children have been through a terrible time.
I would say that there is no point bringing up the pooey nappy and sick, it's not going to help him get the children back.
Your son needs to concentrate on making himself the better option for looking after the children going forward. Sorting out his finances and getting a place of his own are the priority.
I hope it works out for your son and most of all the children, this is a lot for them to deal with

faloma · 19/07/2018 20:37

Sorry I've no advice expect it's worth mentioning to SS as it's concerning your son, if baby has a sore bottom it's a concern.

I'm very sad to read responses, if roles were reversed and it was children taken from mother and father had died, I'm sure everyone would be more sympathetic which is disgraceful.

I hope your son gets sorted and his children back soon. The children are grieving and need their dad.

clairedelalune · 19/07/2018 21:48

I do sympathise op but if you can, take a step back and look at the situation from ss point of view. They and the court will be looking at what they perceive to be in the children's best interests.

From their point of view they are likely to be trying to keep everything as normal as possible and as stable as possible. If he left the family home, has quickly got a new girlfriend, is unemployed and technically homeless, it is not as good in the court's eyes for the children as their grandparents who are, presumably, in a stable relationship,have an income and a roof. The children have experienced huge loss and trauma and further disruption needs to be minimised; the court is going with the more reliable bet. Courts need to be convinced of both significant and sustainable change; the latter is harder to prove but focusing more on job and accommodation and less on girlfriends would likely put him in a better light. He needs to prove the children are his priority (and a new gf would suggest they aren't). Harsh as it sounds it's not about your son, it's about the children xx

Allthatsnot · 19/07/2018 22:05

Even if SS did listen and take it seriously what would you like them to do? They can have a word with the GPs which will alienate your son further. In an extreme case they could take the children off the GPs but neither you or your son can put a roof over their head or provide for them so where would the DC go then?
Your son needs to get a suitable home for his children.

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