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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advise pls

78 replies

pinkelephant59 · 18/07/2018 19:52

my sons children are currently living with the other grandparents (don't ask!) son is getting visits but when he is changing the baby's nappy frequently notices that he has been left with a dirty bottom when granddad is looking after them on his own. also when we collected them today he absolutely reeked of sick, seems had been sick on his clothes and had just been left in them till it dried. son is not on good enough terms to just discuss with them, should we be reporting to social services or anything or is this being petty and unreasonable. Son says no point as no proof.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkelephant59 · 18/07/2018 21:26

To stop ds taking the children from GPS and give them pr in addition to ds. They supposed to discuss important decisions with ds i.e. school but don't bother and court weren't interested when we told them.

OP posts:
CrispbuttyNo1 · 18/07/2018 21:29

Has he got anywhere to live now? He needs to sort that out and he needs to speak to a good family lawyer as well as social services.

What about the family home? Where his wife was living?? Did she leave a will? There are so many legal issues here.

Tistheseason17 · 18/07/2018 21:30

There's more to this.
SS do not take kids from the dad who has PR without good reason.

Original poster
pinkelephant59 · 18/07/2018 21:50

@Tistheseason17 have you ever dealt with social services? I have twice once as a supporter for a friend of mine who was told he had to leave the family home after an incident with his stepdaughter. They were supposed to sort it out within 6 weeks but due to incompetence and sick leave took over 6 months to sort out meaning my friend missed out on Christmas with his family. I went to 1 tribunal hearing with him booked a day off work and drove 40 miles for the head of the tribunal to say 1 piece of paper hadn't been sent by social services and adjourn for 6 weeks. In ds case mistakes include notes that my dil rang social services - 3 weeks after she died to say she didn't want grandchildren meeting sons new girlfriend.! And misquoting something I said to them and still not correcting after I complained 6 times and in court.

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SoShinySoChrome · 18/07/2018 21:53

the main question is is he in the birth certificate or not?

Get advice from an organisation called ‘families need fathers’. They have a free helpline.

CrispbuttyNo1 · 18/07/2018 21:54

Hmmm, assuming it was simply the date that was wrong, why was their mother so against her children meeting the new girlfriend?

This sounds like a very complicated saga that will have enormous dripfreeds or big chunks of important detail left out.

LIZS · 18/07/2018 21:57

Were they married when the children were born and is he on their birth certificates. How old are dc ? He needs to find somewhere to live so that he can rebuild his relationship with dc and offer them security, is he working? Until then he will struggle to convince ss and courts that they are better off with him.

Original poster
pinkelephant59 · 18/07/2018 22:01

@CrispbuttyNo1 yes was a mistake with dates but just gave that as example of the thin end of the level of incompetence displayed. Dil was an emotionally abusive control freak. Was just her way of trying to control ds. Son is on birth cert and has pr family home was rented and house was cleaned out and keys returned before d's could get back on tenancy as said before was sofa surfing since separation.

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Original poster
pinkelephant59 · 18/07/2018 22:05

Is catch22 court won't give him kids back unless has stable home, can't afford to private rent and council won't give him house till has kids back Sad

OP posts:
pugalugs90 · 18/07/2018 22:05

Why can't he afford to rent? Has he got a job?

YellowTelescope · 18/07/2018 22:06

How come he's not living with you?

CrispbuttyNo1 · 18/07/2018 22:06

Were they married or not? Surely this would make a difference.

Tistheseason17 · 18/07/2018 22:06

Yep. Loads of experience with SS in professional capacity.

The amount of drug taking violent risk taking patents who get to keep their kids and remain a risk.... They only remove when "incidents" take place and even then, serious incidents.

I know a chap who let's his 12/15 son and daughter watch porn - SS aware....

Original poster
pinkelephant59 · 18/07/2018 22:21

Can't live with me I'm in sheltered housing. Currently working part time but universal credit didn't pay him for nearly 3 months after separation so massive overdraft to pay back especially as dil took out a phone contract on my address without me knowing and ran up a massive bill which he had to pay and again unless he gets kids universalcredit will only pay a max of 240 a month towards rent as class him as single male so say he can live in shared accommodation which isn't suitable for children to go to...

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Tistheseason17 · 18/07/2018 22:32

Why did your DS pay DIL phone bill??

It's not in his name and she is deceased and they weren't together? Not his debt to repay.

Phone co. Would write off.

Universal credit will make backdated claim payments, where eligible, so unless he has been spending more than his means there is something else going on. The back dated payments would pay off o/draft.

CrispbuttyNo1 · 18/07/2018 22:38

He needs to be working full time and sort his life out. It certainly doesn’t sound like he is in any position to care for his children right now.

Original poster
pinkelephant59 · 18/07/2018 22:42

Phone co said would only write off line rental charges accrued after death date not what run up before and tbh son paid it as he panicked as first I heard about it was when debt collection letter landed on my doormat. D's was still paying for furniture bought on hp after he left marital home as did not want kids going without. And yes backdated uc cleared most of overdraft but not bank charges accrued

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Original poster
pinkelephant59 · 18/07/2018 22:49

Gee thanks for the sympathy all. Tbh with everything ds has had going on for last few months looking for another job has been quite a way down the list. To get back to my original question is there any point reporting to social services that they leaving baby with a dirty bum and stinking of sick?

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Greenyogagirl · 18/07/2018 22:56

I think there’s something ds hasn’t told you or something you haven’t told us, seems very odd.
As for original question you can raise concerns with court or ss but don’t be surprised if they think it’s malicious

Tistheseason17 · 18/07/2018 22:58

No.

A bit of a pooey bum a few times and sick on one occasion....

It happens. Its called being a parent/carer.

They are looking after your GC because their father cannot. They are not the bad guys.

YABU.

CrispbuttyNo1 · 18/07/2018 22:59

“Tbh with everything ds has had going on for last few months looking for another job has been quite a way down the list.”

That should have been the top of his list. He managed to get a new girlfriend.

Sorry not to seem sympathetic but those children have lost their mother, and her parents have lost their daughter.

Tessliketrees · 18/07/2018 23:10

SS do not take kids from the dad who has PR without good reason

Massively naive to think this. I have witnessed things this on 3 occasions in my personal life and was taught about horrible abuses of power while in training (I am an adult social worker) , I don't mean landmark well publicised ones, I mean local area recent stuff used as cautionary tales.

Social services abusing their power and taking kids from their parents illegally has been in the news very recently.

Tessliketrees · 18/07/2018 23:16

They only remove when "incidents" take place and even then, serious incidents

That's demonstrably untrue.

Google any variation of the phrase "Judge criticises local authority in care proceedings" and they are just the ones that get published.

NellMangel · 18/07/2018 23:18

I doubt social services would look into the two incidents you describe. It's poor hygiene but not something that warrants taking children away.

I think try to stay on good terms with grandparents as they are his link to his kids.

abbsisspartacus · 19/07/2018 11:17

I think he needs to prioritize job home kids