My boyfriend and baby’s father is looking to travel outside of the country without me during my time of need

[MommaA]

My boyfriend is looking to leave the country for a week or two to travel in Ireland. I’m so uncomfortable with it. To give you some background he’s traveling for good reasons which makes me feel guilty. His cousins are going to spread their fathers ashes arcoss their homelands. But it feels more complicated than that. First of all, this is my first pregnancy and his trip would be during my second baby appointment and I really want him to be there considering he wont be for the first. I really need his support. Second, i regrettably admit that he is an alcoholic and recently decided to go to Al Anon. This is the main problem here. Not only will he be missing some of his first meetings but will be traveling with 5 family members that HEAVILY drink every day, so badly that they usually start in the morning or early afternoon. He has relapsed once already recently without the support of AA, and he was with 2 of the people he’s traveling with when he relapsed and I’m so uncomfortable knowing he will be around bad influences in his time of trying to heal himself, especially with a baby on the way. He has a bad habit of lying about his drinking as most addicts do. So i wont even know if he doesnt stay clean. He’s also traveling on my birthday which just makes me sad considering last year he wasnt here for my birthday either. And to top it off he’s spending over $1000 that we need for the baby to do this traveling. He says he’s considering not going but won't tell me for sure even though its less than two weeks away. I don’t know what to think or do. What if he goes? I need him to be responsible, supportive, and also just cognizant of how this may affect his stuggle with this addiction. But i also see how it is a family thing that’s important. Am i being out of line asking him not to go? Please help with advice!

YANBU, it sounds like there are very good reasons as to why he shouldn't go despite the family reasons for the trip. Have you shared your concerns with him?

Yes i have. He thinks that this is more important than any of the other factors involved and it’s something he will only experience once with his cousins. When we start talking about it I usually tear up and have a hard time holding them back, which turns into him telling me I’m out of control of my emotions, even if its just a light cry(not sobbing hysterically) and that he cant talk to me until i can “control myself”. And that because im crying which means out of control of my emotions that its going to hurt the baby.... i feel like he is being manipulative but i also feel like he could be right. Im so torn.

I'm a touch confused. Are they scattering ashes in several places then? Seems like he wouldn't need to be there for every single one surely. Couldn't he go for part of it, thereby saving money and time?

And in fairness, crying (even if not meant) will be something that halts any sort of debate. You need to write down the pros and come and then leave to him I think so he can process them (things like possible relapse is fine to mention).

Spreading family ashes only occurs once. You cannot stop him drinking that is his choice. You cannot stop him going to spread ashes. Perhaps, you need to have a think about why you are so upset. Perhaps you both need some time apart to think about your future relationship

Your boyfriend is an alcoholic who is willing to spend money on a trip he doesn’t need to take, putting his desires ahead of his unborn child’s financial needs, and accuses you of hurting your baby when you cry?

I’m very sorry to say OP, but this trip is the least of your worries.

Sending you hugs.

I don't think it's fair for him to blame you for crying and refuse to talk to you when you're legitimately upset. That does sound quite manipulative to me - it's up to him to have a discussion about this with you, not just refuse to engage with you because you're upset.

I would try and talk again and focus on what's practical. What strategies does he intend to put in place to stop him relapsing? Has he discussed it with his AA sponsor? Is he happy to miss your baby appointment, something else he can only do once? Has he considered the financial impact and how he will mitigate this so your baby isn't affected?

Try to get him to consider these issues (write them down if needed) rather than focusing on the emotional stuff. See if he actually has a sensible plan and has considered the cons. if he hadn't, this might give him pause for thought.

Perhaps, you need to have a think about why you are so upset

Seriously? She's listed several really valid reasons for why she's upset including the fact that she fears an alcoholic relapse and needs his support at a prenatal check up. Who wouldn't be upset under the circumstances?

Yes they are going to two places to spread ashes from what I understand. I like the idea of a pros and cons list because you are right, he doesn’t respond well to me crying. Maybe i will try that today since i have to work and he does not, could give him time to really think without me around.

Xtrah- i know i cant stop him but I do wish deep down that the thought of being a dad would stop him. Im upset because i feel like if he continues drinking and putting himself in situations that it could be hard to say no, that he wont be as present for our baby or for me until the baby is born.

Let’s summarise. He’s an alcoholic. He’s planning on spending $1000 you need for the baby on a trip away.
He’s about to miss your birthday for the second year running.
He’s already relapsed recently with his drinking.
He’s refusing to tell you whether he’s going on the trip or not, with just weeks left before departure date.
He tells you you’re not allowed to display emotion.
Why exactly are you having a child with this flaky and selfish person?
Does he have any qualities at all that make you think he will be a good husband and father?
OP, I think you have a much bigger problem than just whether he goes to Ireland or not. I think you should reassess whether you want a life with him at all, and how much worse your future would have to get before you decide to leave him.

You say you worry that he won’t be present until the baby is born, but it doesn’t sound like he will be present ever.

Did he decide to go to AA? Or was it just to shut you up for a while?
Was he extremely close to his uncle? If yes I can understand why he would want to scatter the ashes but not while he needs to go on a jolly to do it

It's pretty much impossible to have a rational discussion with someone who is crying. I think you really do need to get in control of yourself if you want to have any kind of meaningful conversation about this issue.

In any event, you might want to reconsider whether you want to be in a relationship with an alcoholic who is likely to relapse repeatedly.

Its hard to hear the truth but damn, you are all really showing me some things I haven’t thought about until now. I dont know why i foght so hard for an unreliable man. I guess im scared to be a single mom. I always pictured having home that had a mom and dad in it, not just mom.

No he hasnt gone to AA yet, he said he would go today or tomorrow for his firat meeting with one of his friends who also goes to AA. But i do have a feeling that wont happen. He told me a week ago he would, and still has not made official plans. And no not particularly close to his uncle they lived half way across the country, his uncle actually died of liver failure himself.

Choli that unreasonable in general to say. If someone is tearing up that automatically makes them irrational? That’s absolutely not true. I do think it is a turn off for the other person in the conversation but seriously crying doesnt make my thoughts “irrational”

His primary relationship is with alcohol, so whether you continue to live with him and date him or not (not would be adviseable) it’d be sensible to assume you will need to deal with all pregnancy and parenting matters alone.

You can’t control or cure his alcohol problems. Suggest attending Al Anon for yourself.

So he hasn't even been to AA yet, and probably won't attend in the end.

Was this child planned by both of you? Is he really actually on board with the idea of being a father? He does not sound very interested at the moment.

I'd start making plans for how you will manage as a single parent.

I really felt like this site would be a good way for me to get some real advice, whether is was what i wanted to hear or not but some of you are seriously just mean. I’ll go back to keeping this shit to myself. Thanks to the ladies who gave me some sound advice and ideas to consider.

What’s irrational is staying in this relationship.

Al Anon is for families of people with alcohol problems.

Denial isn’t going to help you.

Choli that unreasonable in general to say. If someone is tearing up that automatically makes them irrational? That’s absolutely not true. I do think it is a turn off for the other person in the conversation but seriously crying doesnt make my thoughts “irrational”

It doesn't make your thoughts irrational, but it changes the dynamic of the conversation/discussion.

i know i cant stop him but I do wish deep down that the thought of being a dad would stop him

That's the problem. You've got some hard thinking to do.

please go to AlAnon and get the support you need there. you didn't cause this, you can't control him and you can't cure him. it's up to him what he does - whether or not he takes this trip will make no difference to whether he drinks - and it's up to you whether you want him in your life. you've got a hard road ahead of you i'd say, so you need to take care of yourself and your baby. i wish you every luck in the world.

Do you really want an alcoholic father around your child 24/7?

If you end up a single mum and he shows he's irresponsible and dangerous then access to your (plural) child can be limited legally for the child's safety.

I think you should post another thread on Mumsnet asking for people's experiences growing up with a parent who is an alcoholic. Then you will realise being a single mum is better for yours and your child's future health and well-being.

But does it make me a bad mom to walk away from my baby’s father considering we just found out we are having a baby within the past week? I feel like im taking away the chance of my baby growing up with a mom and dad.

From the perspective of my DC (whose father is an alcoholic, and who I stayed with until they were in their early teens), they'd probably say you were a bad mom to not walk away now.