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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My boyfriend and baby’s father is looking to travel outside of the country without me during my time of need

74 replies

MommaA · 18/07/2018 16:40

My boyfriend is looking to leave the country for a week or two to travel in Ireland. I’m so uncomfortable with it. To give you some background he’s traveling for good reasons which makes me feel guilty. His cousins are going to spread their fathers ashes arcoss their homelands. But it feels more complicated than that. First of all, this is my first pregnancy and his trip would be during my second baby appointment and I really want him to be there considering he wont be for the first. I really need his support. Second, i regrettably admit that he is an alcoholic and recently decided to go to Al Anon. This is the main problem here. Not only will he be missing some of his first meetings but will be traveling with 5 family members that HEAVILY drink every day, so badly that they usually start in the morning or early afternoon. He has relapsed once already recently without the support of AA, and he was with 2 of the people he’s traveling with when he relapsed and I’m so uncomfortable knowing he will be around bad influences in his time of trying to heal himself, especially with a baby on the way. He has a bad habit of lying about his drinking as most addicts do. So i wont even know if he doesnt stay clean. He’s also traveling on my birthday which just makes me sad considering last year he wasnt here for my birthday either. And to top it off he’s spending over $1000 that we need for the baby to do this traveling. He says he’s considering not going but won't tell me for sure even though its less than two weeks away. I don’t know what to think or do. What if he goes? I need him to be responsible, supportive, and also just cognizant of how this may affect his stuggle with this addiction. But i also see how it is a family thing that’s important. Am i being out of line asking him not to go? Please help with advice!

OP posts:
FishingIsNotASport · 18/07/2018 17:44

I'm assuming he went to his uncle's funeral? In which case he has paid his due respects to the dead and should now focus his efforts, and his finances, on the living. He will probably see this trip as a massive last piss up before starting AA, particularly as the whole lot of them are heavy drinkers. He has a responsibility to you and his child now and he needs to step-up. Sadly, having alcoholics in my own family makes me doubt he is capable of being the man you want and the father your child needs. I agree that Al Anon might be helpful for you if you stay with him.

LIZS · 18/07/2018 17:45

How long have you been together? Does he otherwise support you? Missing the appointments is the least of your issues. He should go but frittering away £1000 , excessive drinking and lack of shared priorities will have ongoing consequences and I fear he will never really be there wholeheartedly for you or dc even if you "let" him this time.

StepBackNow · 18/07/2018 17:47

I'm not sure why you want to stay in the relationship. He sound like a nasty piece of work.

BrownTurkey · 18/07/2018 17:47

Momma, I think you need to tell him loud and clear that he’s a father now, and if he walks away and drinks the money that is needed for your child, then you will walk away. This is not your fault, but you are not wrong about the trip being a really stupid idea. Addicts will always lie and justify. Take care of yourself and I’m sorry you’re going through this at a time when you don’t need this stress.

BlueBug45 · 18/07/2018 17:48

OP if your baby's biological father is an alcoholic there will be no chance of him/her growing up with a mum and dad if you stay with him.

If you leave you have more chance of meeting someone else who is happy to be a proper male role model for your child. However you do need some counselling to ensure you don't move from one relationship to another with someone who is addicted or abusive, as you clearly cannot recognise horrible behaviour.

Original poster
MommaA · 18/07/2018 17:50

I think you are right. I keep giving him too many chances and havent been drawing a line. I mean fuck I feel so stupid. The night after i told him im pregnant he went out drinking to the strip club. That shouldve been it, that hes not ready to step up. This relationship isn’t healthy. It’s just so hard for me to walk away. But i guess its time.

OP posts:
Charolais · 18/07/2018 17:50

If I found out I was having a baby with a dud I would end the pregnancy and start over with a decent man - there are a lot of good men out there.

Original poster
MommaA · 18/07/2018 17:51

‘However you do need some counselling to ensure you don't move from one relationship to another with someone who is addicted or abusive, as you clearly cannot recognise horrible behaviour.’

What kind of counseling can i look for?

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 18/07/2018 17:52

I feel like im taking away the chance of my baby growing up with a mom and dad.

Sadly though your bf will be an alcoholic first and a father second. Alcoholism is an illness, an addiction.From what you say, he hasn't even begun to address his problems. And until he does, he will let you (and DC) down continually.

Original poster
MommaA · 18/07/2018 17:54

I cant end the pregnancy. Im so happy to be a mom to be and i want the best for my baby even if it means being a single momma until i find the right man. Lizs We have been together 2.5 years and no he still doesnt really support me other than splitting bills. This is just a hard reality.

OP posts:
Bezm · 18/07/2018 17:55

He's an adult in charge of his own choices. Unfortunately, those may be pretty crap choices. He will have to accept the consequences.
I think that as he's an alcoholic, you're probably going to have to do the grown up stuff by yourself. Your baby will probably be better off not living with an alcoholic father. Many alcoholics had parents who were also alcoholic. So you could be setting your child up to live the same life unless you are proactive now and go it alone.
I wish you luck x

Maybugger · 18/07/2018 17:58

He's an alcoholic.
He went out drinking at a strip club the night you told him you were pregnant.
He's dismissive of your feelings.
He intends to spend $1000 on a trip without you.
What a catch he must be op.

LoniceraJaponica · 18/07/2018 17:59

"But does it make me a bad mom to walk away from my baby’s father considering we just found out we are having a baby within the past week?"

No, but staying with him will.

His first love is alcohol
Your first love will be your baby

Please listen to everyone on here. This relationship has no future. Get out while you can.

SparklyLeprechaun · 18/07/2018 18:00

Missing your birthday and baby appointment is nothing, really not important.
Spending a lot of money - depends on how much you'd miss this money.
Drinking - well, you've got a problem there but to be honest, he's an alcoholic, if he wants to drink he will drink whether he goes now or not.

I don't think yabu to ask him not to go based simply on his drinking problem, but I don't think it's going to solve much either.

dogletsrock · 18/07/2018 18:02

Unfortunately, my husband is an alcoholic. He is in recovery but it is a long and very bumpy road. You need to look after yourself as he isn’t able too. All an alcoholic cares about is alcohol. He will promise anything. The AA serenity prayer says, god grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Basically you cannot change him, only your reaction to him. He will only stop drinking when he is ready and they are experts at manipulating and putting the blame on you. So when he tells you he won’t talk to you while you are crying, he is shutting down a conversation he doesn’t want to have whilst making you feel it is your fault. You have to look after yourself and let him deal with all the consequences of his drinking. It is incredibly hard. I hope I don’t sound condescending but I have had a lot of practice. Find a group that can support you. You are the important one xxx

Mitzimaybe · 18/07/2018 18:02

What kind of counseling can i look for?

The Freedom Programme

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 18/07/2018 18:05

So last week after you discovered you were pregnant your alcoholic partner went out drinking to a strip club?

That behaviour alone would have me running for the hills!

While he refuses to seek help for his addiction he will be unable to make a child his priority, and you will come even further down the list.

Get out now. Please don't subject a child to this damaging environment.

nakedscientist · 18/07/2018 18:11

Love my dads second marriage was to an alcoholic. Eventually the strain, misery and lack of sleep contributed to a catastrophic brain haemorrhage
Leave while he is away and stay away.
Al anon are good.

scaryteacher · 18/07/2018 18:11

If he were sent away to work for the baby appointments and your birthday, would you be as upset, or would you just deal with it? If the latter, then the problem is the drinking as opposed to anything else.

BrokenWing · 18/07/2018 18:12

I would give the scattering of ashes with his cousins priority over every one of your reasons apart from his addiction (maybe the money if it means you really cant buy the baby essentials like a pram).

If he has accepted he is an alcoholic he must know the trip is too risky to take and will impact his recovery, but you need to let him make his own decision on that one, you cant fix an alcoholic they need to be strong enough to fix themselves and that includes avoiding situation where they know they will drink.

If he decides to go then you need to decide if you want to stay with an alcoholic who is not committed to recovery when he has a child on the way. My FIL died from alcoholism and from the stories my dh told me from his childhood I would advise you not to put your child through that.

Charolais · 18/07/2018 18:14

MommaA There will be a good chance his genetics - issues with alcohol and behaviour etc - will be passed on to your child. You could be raising his mini-me as a single parent.

LoniceraJaponica · 18/07/2018 18:16

"So last week after you discovered you were pregnant your alcoholic partner went out drinking to a strip club?"

This ^^ is the reddest of red flags.

choli · 18/07/2018 18:20

*"So last week after you discovered you were pregnant your alcoholic partner went out drinking to a strip club?"

This ^^ is the reddest of red flags.*

Yes. That's pretty much putting it right in your face how he intends to deal with fatherhood. I doubt he will still be around by the time the baby is born, which will at least save you a difficult decision.

BlueBug45 · 18/07/2018 18:27

@Chaloris lots of behaviour is learnt by having poor examples around you. I know the adult children of recovered alcoholics and those who realised people in their family are/were alcoholics - they don't drink. They learnt that they cannot use substances as a crutch and have found other ways of coping with things in their lives.

FishingIsNotASport · 18/07/2018 18:50

Presuming you can't spend money on counselling with a new baby on the way, the Freedom Programme online, may be useful www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Maybe he will surprise you and decide not to go on this trip, attend AA and show you that he is fit to be a father. Good luck Flowers

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