Can’t get this child out of my head

[EWAB]

Son is in this football club. It is run by the guy who ran after school club at primary. When he was asked to join I declined as I was working and couldn’t have done drop offs etc. This other mother stepped up and has taken him for last two years. I have never been.
Yesterday I was delighted that I had broken up and could collect them from this end of term party.
I arrived and there was my son in a new shirt that I hadn’t seen before but suddenly my son appeared next to me. The boy in the new shirt w him. I was stunned and son said “Everyone says that! I think he looks like B.” B is my nephew.
We leave I get son and friend in car and there getting into her car was this woman my brother used to go out with. She didn’t see me. I don’t know how I kept it together. I felt sick last night. There is no one in the world I can talk to about this. My brother is now married. I am convinced this is his child.

I was waiting at a bus stop one time when a van stopped in front of me, in traffic. It was a Thames water van and the driver appeared to be my dad! The van was near to me and the window was down so I had a good view.

I was confused...my dad didn't work for Thames water, he lived a couple of hours away, and there is no way he would have been within 10 minutes of my house without telling me. So I just gawped at him in utter disbelief and he turned around and looked at me. Still my dad. So I smiled, like "dad? What are you doing?" and he nervously smiled back until he drove off a couple of minutes later.

I then immediately called my dad on his landline and he picked up! It wasn't him but his double. This guy looked like his twin, never mind his brother and more like him than any of my dad's real brothers.

It is the childs mothers decision whether to acknowledge of involve the father.

For all we know this child may have a father - the op could really stir up a shit storm if she tells her brother and he assumes its his child and makes similar assertions.

No, I don't think you should leave it be. My ex-h's father revealed two sisters he didn't know existed when ex-h was in his 30's. This came about because the sisters made contact with their father. It was fraught. It started with a lovely "reunion" of sorts and all the siblings staring at eachother in wonder as they were all doubles of eachother. Eventually it became a pretty horrible situation with lots of resentment and irritation from all parties. Nobody KNEW eachother, they might all have had the same DNA but all their lives had been so completely different, there was a lot of resentment (understandably) from the rejected sisters and eventually it came to a sorry halt. My own view? I would mention it to your brother...the fact that "everybody" has noticed this connection means that that is likely to be ongoing. You need to be discreet. However, ultimately it is up to him to do anything about it.

One of my dds has a double, same height, colouring, gait, face shape. Thing is,her double looks just like me at the same age, and I know for sure I’m not her mum!

He might be your brother's child, he might not be. So what if he is? I'm not sure it's any concern of yours. Besides, I think lookalikes are quite common. A few weeks back a woman at a restaurant was the spitting image of an ex-gf. As said ex-gf died a few years back, it obviously wasn't her. Or maybe I should post this story on the current ghost thread..?

MysteriesOfTheOrganism are you sure you weren’t just ghosted?

Sorry, couldn’t resist

I'm flabbergasted at the number of people condoning or actively lying to children about their parentage. There are so many reasons not to do this but surely the main one is trust. Truth will out and then what kind of relationship will the child have with the lying parent - they will feel like they literally have no one in the world they can trust.

Despite what previous posters have said - it is not a mother's right (legally or ethically) to choose whether a father is present or active in a child's life if it's safe for the child to have him involved. Every child, however, has a right to know where and who they have come from.

Does the mother know that the boys look alike & that the other is a nephew of her ex?

If so, she's hardly trying to hide anything is she?

I’m also surprised that people feel the mothers rights outweigh that of the potential father and the potential son.
I would speak to your brother. Your gut is telling your you something is up. There is resemblance and there is thinking your own son is someone else as they look so similar.

Mothers don't own their children

Pythonesque Wed 18-Jul-18 17:46:29
Through primary school, in a class of 16-18 boys, my son and another were similar enough that his mum and I both did regular doubletakes at pickup. And two others were pretty close in appearance as well. So I'd probably focus on the coincidental side of this rather than dwelling on other possibilities.

The woman used to go out with the Op's brother. I don't think all the wishful thinking in the world would make this a coincidence.

ozymandiusking Wed 18-Jul-18 18:08:09
This is absolutely nothing to do with you! Leave well alone.
You mustn't go upsetting people unnecessarily.
It's wrong.

It's also wrong for the ex-GF to not tell the bro that she's had his kid. If he doesn't know, he has a right to so the op should tell him what she's seen and let him do with that info what he will.

And are you prepared for the alternative should you mention this to your brother? I.e. that he knew the woman was pregnant and decided to walk away without having any involvement with his child because he would have preferred her to have an abortion?

Just because these children look alike doesn’t mean that they’re related. But either way it’s not your place to get involved, and if you do get involved you need to be prepared for all the possibilities, including the one where your brother knew and wasn’t interested.

Just a different kind of story but people think that my cousin and I look alike. Only my uncle was infertile so they used donor sperm but people don't know that. We aren't blood related.

Can you look her up on Facebook and see if she has ever written anything about the kids dad?

Do you have a good poker face op? Because what will happen if one day your DB finds out that he has/possibly has a child? Will you be able to sit there with a surprised expression on your face or will the guilt of suspecting be written all over it?

My ds has a double. An absolute double. Like a twin sort of double!!.
Creeped me the fuck out!!
Invite db to football and casually point out the dc.

To clarify

You've 2 brothers, you all live in the same area roughly. This child looks very like 2 known cousins.

1 brother dated her - he could be the father.

But given there's already 2 known cousins look very alike it's possible it's brother 2's child - which would be a whole OTHER can of worms.

I've a Dn who is the absolute spit of me looking not like either actual parent. Genes can be funny.

If like me you live in an area where there isn't much migration there's also the possibility the father is neither brother but a distant (or maybe not so distant) cousin?

The fact is all you know for certain is your brother once dated her and this child looks a lot like 2 cousins.

Even if your brother is the father - he may already know and have chosen for whatever reason not to share that with you. Completely his choice.

oh my goodness its like the jeremy kyle show on this thread

you see a child once that looks like your son, you notice its your brothers ex that is picking him up

you have no idea if that child is related to that woman let alone your brother

you need to stop making up drama and move past this.

those of you saying the child has a right to know.. a right to know what .. some random stranger who has seen him once thinks she knows who his father is

If you do anything at all about this you will seem like completely mad

Loads of people have doppelgangers. I went though secondary with numerous people thinking a girl was my sister - she 100% wasn't. There were constant conversations along the lines of;

"I saw your sister in the park last night."
"No you didn't, you saw X, that's not my sister."
"Yes she is!"

We were like twins, - same build, hair texture, length and colour, same cheekbones and face-shape, green eyes. But she was categorically NOT my sister - although she was from a Welsh family, she was born in Australia!

The only people this concerns is the mother, the child and his dad, who may (or may not) be your brother.

If your brother is the biological father, and she has decided not to tell him, that's her prerogative. The boy may well have another man in his life who he looks to as a Dad - he may even think he's his Dad.

Leave it, - you have no idea what is going on in this family, you saw a child in a car park.

I would probably talk to my brother if this was me. There is a child, who is the eighth age for being his son, whose mother is someone he dated. Did they end badly? Is there a reason she would t have told him about a pregnancy? This isn't juts a random child who looks like your son. This is a woman who potentially has given birth to your nephew. If your brother chooses not to peruse it, that's his choice. But ultimately unless he was abusive, I believe he should be given the information to make that choice.

Agree that some of the responses on this thread are mad.

After all even if this child was the OP’s brother’s, are we to assume that the brother has never encountered the woman or the child in the years since they split? Given they all live in the same area? Really?

And as I said upthread, it could be possible that he didn’t want to know. But either way it’s not for anyone else to get involved, and ultimately all the woman has to say is that no, the child isn’t his, and there the matter would end.

Incidentally, I know someone who found out in her 40’s that she was donor conceived after she was tested as a match for a bone marrow transplant for a relative and it transpired that she wasn’t related to the individual in question. It has completely destroyed her life.

Well now you have to this information it's not for you to decide at all.
You have to tell your dB. He can keep it quiet or do something about it. But it's absolutely not your descion to make at all.

@SantaClauseMightWork I think you need to have a chat with your husband

But either way it’s not for anyone else to get involved, and ultimately all the woman has to say is that no, the child isn’t his, and there the matter would end.

No it's not quite as simple as that. Once again - Mother's do not own their children. If there is a reasonable chance that this child is the brother's son and he wants involvement he can apply through the courts for a dna test , and depending on the results can then apply for court-ordered access.

Incidentally, I know someone who found out in her 40’s that she was donor conceived after she was tested as a match for a bone marrow transplant for a relative and it transpired that she wasn’t related to the individual in question. It has completely destroyed her life.

Further evidence that lying to a child about their parentage is enormously damaging. Children can handle information - they are deeply damaged by losing trust in their primary carer. And as you mentioned there are numerous opportunities for the truth to emerge, including medical reasons. I personally know someone who was in the same year at school as a half-sibling without knowing that the child was a half-sibling. I always dread to think about what might have happened if they were attracted to one another- they weren't!

If this were my brother I'd absolutely tell him.

What he did or didn't do as a result I'd see as entirely his business